Double D Part 3: Everybody Poops

Viva la "Man Room." Episode three begins with Chris Harrison talking to the men in what can only be described as The Lodge as featured on "My Big Fat Redneck Wedding," sans a few animal heads and camoflage. We sense a "barn like" interior, complete with faux faded blue woodwork and what is that... a moose head? But of course, there is a pool table and lots of manscaping.

Poor Richard. Our Beloved is feeling left out, now that he must move from "the penthouse, down to the outhouse," as he is replaced at DD's Ranch by the last three guys to get Safety Roses: Jeremy, Paul, and Graham. So sayeth Deanna, "I'm attracted to Jeremy. I want to get to know Paul more. And Graham is just hot." Yeah, that pretty much sums it up, except for the hot part because dude needs a shave.

As all of this is happening, Pinkie Le Chef is hypothesizing on how the three new guys will fare up at Chez Double D. We do not hear him, as he has his damn collar flipped up again.

But oh oh oh soon the first date box arives, and IT IS FOR RICHARD!!!! We are so excited we almost get all skreetchity. But we don't, because then we would miss Our Beloved getting ready for his date. He is momentarily shirtless. Opah!!!! But a moment of sombriety follows, as he packs his bags in recognition that he may be on his way out after this date.

So then DD comes to pick Richard up in her crazy high heels and fabulous black dress. And we kind of heart Jesse, who describes her as having "a closet full of perfection. She just walks inside and gets sprinkled with fairy dust." While our closet is more full of skeezy t-shirts and not so much perfection, we are pretty sure we would get sprinkled with some sort of dust were we to spend any time in there.

Anyway, Deanna takes him to some unnamed "landmark building" in L.A. for a roof top dinner and romanticky view. Although we love Richard, we must take some points away for this: "I know I'm supposed to be enjoying the view. But I can't get over the view that is Deanna." Such commentary is only acceptable with the name "KLo" inserted in the second sentence and also with a time-out for subsequent laughter. However, Our Beloved immediately saves face by telling DD that the most romantic thing he's done for a "girl" (gah, but also the word she said) is pack a picnic to share over the cliffs while watching shooting stars. We heart him even more for explaining that a shooting star is not, in fact, a star and don't like DD for seeming unimpressed.

But then the very best thing EVER happens. Richard tells Deanna that his "passion for what he does [teaching] is bigger than my income. And I worry about that sometimes when going on a date" because he can't offer a cushy lifestyle, and how does she feel about that. OMG, we love him. We suggest he join Jesse in applying for "DateaJD.com," because really such Legal Assistance should exist. This forthrightness almost makes up for his subsequent admission that he has never taken a woman home to met his family, even though his mother is always trying to set him up with ladies from the 'hood.

And then. CRISIS.

Deanna starts confessing to the camera that she's having a hard time discerning whether Our Beloved is just a friend, or could be a husband. And as Richard is nervously confiding to the same camera (damn two-faced piece of machinery) that he's going to do the 80/20 rule and see if she will meet him for a kiss, she is saying she is not feeling it and must take desperate measures (aka a romantic horse-drawn buggy ride) to inspire it. And he says he's never had feelings like this. And she's saying he looked at her with feeling in his eyes and she just knew it had to end. And she tells him that he is funny and made her laugh nonstop when he was living in the house, that he has all of the qualities she is looking for in a husband, but that she can't give him the rose because it's not right for her. And he is graceful, saying he understands, and good luck, and he hopes she finds the right one. And and and

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He is crying as he climbs in a cab. She is crying. WE are crying as he confesses that part of him is destroyed, and that his heart hurts quite a bit. "I was just too much of a friend, I guess," he says.

R.I.P. Richard.

Ps. Call us later.

As our heart is busy being broken, date box #2 arrives with cowboy boots, hats, and shirts for Brian, S. Buttafuoco, Jesse, Graham, Fred Da Bears, Pinkie Le Chef, Twilly, Ron Cyrus-Thick, Paul, and Jeremy. "Get along, city slickers. It's time to leave LA behind." Jason aka Big Daddy is all excited because this means the last date is for him, to which Graham tells him "You're on your own, bro. You don't want any advice from me."

We decide we like Brian, who says maybe he can rope a chicken and trade it in for a rose.

So on date #2, the boys go to some sort of ranch. At least we think it is a ranch because we see a cow and Jesse wants to know if DD can wear her cowboy outfit every day. OOOOO, we like this date, which begins with a big line dance lesson followed by a Jr. High dance circle complete with each person taking their place in the center to show their fab moves. Having survived the Ring of Fire, the group moves on to the mechanical bull. Buttafuoco gets totally killed on this, as does practically every other guy except Jesse. (What is up with Jesse and his feats of strength? I mean, seriously. Look at his pic.)

And then Deanna decides to "play a trick" on the guys. Ok Chicken Little, nothing irritates us more than females pretending to be hurt to "test" their suitors. And yet, DD does just this, faking a bull riding injury (ha ha). Jesse is first to her, followed by every other guy except Ron Cyrus Thick. RCT doesn't even move. He just sits back drinking a beer. We do not like RCT.

As a reward for his lightening reflexes, Jesse gets some 1:1 time with DD. And suddenly, though never replacing Richard as the Ultimate BNU Crush Boy, we really like Jesse. He tells DD that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she went from being "My name is ___" to "Hi, I'm Jesse's girlfriend." He doesn't want an "arm doll," but rather a person who stands on her own. He can't wait to get married, to live with someone and get used to that normal daily life because, "Everybody poops." OMG, we love Jesse.

After DD and Jesse rejoin the group, Twilly attempts to entertain everybody with "Going on a Lion Hunt," over the camp fire. As a former Camp Staffer, we conclude that he will never find said Lion with such sad displays. But more interestingly, Deanna takes Ron aside for some 1:1 time and confronts him about being a shit to Jeremy. Go Deanna, go!! She tells him that she doesn't think it's fair for Ron to confront Jeremy about receiving two roses in a row because Jeremy doesn't have a choice in the matter."

And then Ron turns into Sleeping With The Enemy. "My thing between me and Jeremy is between us. It will not impact your decision" he tells her with finality, shutting her down. And then he goes outside to tell Jeremy that he's a "guy's guy, and I don't think you're one. But I DO think that you're lacking something bro. You are missing some tact." We applaud J for telling him that really, the only closed-minded person is Ron. We also heart him for saying he's here to get to know Deanna as well as he can, not have a pissing contest with Ron.

Ron = Ratfink.

This date ends with Pinkie Le Chef complaining about not getting any 1:1 time with Deanna while simultaneously not seeking her out AT ALL. Of course she finds him later on, and he admits that he feels such crazy chemistry with her that he "can't feel his fingers." Better not cook for her then. Of course, she gives Pinkie la rose. "Bobby boy's movin' up to the big house, baby" he tells the boys. Stuff it, Pinkie.

Back at the house, Big Daddy gets date box for the final big event. "Reach for the Stars" it says. Confusingly, said reaching involves a helicopter ride. Twilly anticipates the following conversation over the whir of the helicopter engine:

Big Daddy: "HEY. I GOT A KID."
DD: "WHAT????"
Big Daddy: " NEVER MIND."

Ok, that's a little funny. Of course, the 'copter takes Big Daddy and DD to the Mt. Wilson Observatory to have dinner and look at the stars. Why, WHY can't Our Beloved resurrect himself and come on this date??? And also, why WHY is Deanna wearing boots up to her knees with jeans tucked in??? While looking fabulous, this seems very uncomfortable and also missing a horse.

At dinner, Big Daddy reveals that he has a three-year old and is a single dad. He was married for two years, but his wife decided to "go a different way." We wonder if he was previously married to Anne Heche. But then DD opens up about her mom dying, and we cry a little as she talks about watching her mom get sick, and then not be able to walk, and then have a hospital bed in the home, and then die. "Us too," we think. And we feel sad with Deanna.

Anyway, Big Daddy asks if he can kiss DD, and she says yes, and it's not as gross as Graham. He gets the rose. Yay. KMu wonders if Twilly is going to crawl out from under the telescope and ask for a minute with Deanna.

And then it's time for the Big Surprise: The boys are going on the Ellen Show!!!! We heart Ellen!! She cracks us up. Except that Deanna tells Ellen that the boys are very nervous so "give it to them hard." We wonder if DD got that memo.......

Ellen grills the guys about what was the best thing about DD, how being on the show makes them feel, and how long their most serious relationship was. Of course RCT says 12 years and Graham says FIVE MONTHS. Ok, that is unacceptable. I have had colds that have lasted longer. And also, please shave, Graham. For the love of all that is Holy.

Ellen has the boys do a dance off, which Jesse rocks and everyone else, well, does not. Twilly wants to "say something" (of course), but doesn't get his chance, and Ellen makes the men all stand in Ellen Boxers with their pants down for 2 minutes as she walks back and forth in front of them trying to decide who is going to get the rose. Ellen, we love you, but WTF for giving the rose to Fred Da Bears?

And, two hours later, it is time for Rose Ceremony. We have whole bunches of 1:1 time here. Ron continues to have one big "Hello, Clarice" moment as he tells DD that when he "woke up this morning, I said, 'you know, she's just not my kind of girl.' But after you said what you said today, NOW I like you again." And then in response to her asking him to tell her something fun about himself, he says, "Everything about me is fun. Our questions have been serious. Our answers have been serious. But I'd like to have fun with you."

Um, ok.

We are thankful that Jeremy approaches and steals Deanna away. She says a heartfelt, "thank you" to him, as Ron's head starts to explode. "The creme rises to the crop. Where there's smoke there's fire. Unless Jesus himself comes down and smacks Jeremy on the head and gets him to change, he won't. He lacks integrity. I wish him and Deanna the best. But it won't last. Maybe 12 years from now, it will fall apart."

Hell hath no fury like a barber scorned.

But we are sure that RLaV could arrange for the Jesus part. And btw Ron, wasn't 12 years the length of your own marriage?

Sis-boom bah Jeremy asks Deanna if she would consider moving to Dallas. Graham scrubs her hand as he talks to her and says that "allowing" her to go through this process with other guys is hard for him (wtf????), and she gives a star to Jason and tells him that she named it after his son, Tyler. And then she picks:

1. Twilly, who "is making sure no one else is following" him up to get his rose. Hm.
2. Jesse (yay)
3. Jeremy, to which Ron's lips get even thinner
4. Brian
5. Graham (uh oh, Buttafuoco is pissed)
6. Buttafuoco!!!! who finally got a haircut, which does not make up for his pimptastic white suit

OMG, Paul and Ron are cut out. We feel bad for Paul, but not for Ron, who "doesn't feel rejected. She chose other guys. She didn't reject me." We are a little scared of him.

Stay tuned for next week, when the boys write songs!!! OOOOOOO.

KLo