Double D Part 6: Your Momma Made My Hands Sweat

So, Double D is selecting clothes out of a closet full of chiffon and sequinny belly dancing outfits for her dates with the four remaining boys as we begin Part 6. And yet somehow, she ends up with a plain red knit coat thing down to her ankles. Save us from the Whacker, jedi knight. You're our only hope.

In any event, we hear her thoughts on the four remaining guys. Jeranilla is "everything she ever wanted," Jesse's heart has "gotten" to her and changed her mind the most, Big Daddy is "here for the right reasons" (and also because CHue a.k.a. "Chuey" has been saying the rosary for him, we are pretty sure), and Graham whacker is "smokin hot." We do not understand this, as he looks like the Grinch of Appalachia. But fortunately, we are not left pondering for long because.....We are off to date #1 in Breckenridge, Colorado with Jesse!!!! Yay, Jesse!!! We are pretty sure we heart him secondmost to Richard (R.I.P.).

So, J-dawg is teaching the D to snowboard: "You wear suits, I wear boots." PMu will be writing the country lyrics to this gem shortly. But oooo, Jesse is a good teacher. Even though we might pee our snowsuit if we were to surf down a giant mountain, we give Deanna props for hanging tough. This leads to a nice conversation about Jesse's parents and how his dad will completely tell him when he's wrong, and how Deanna thinks she needs someone unafraid of her in her life, as she is headstrong and needs a boy who stands up to her. And also, Jesse wants someone who will be there for him even if he becomes a quadriplegic. Oh, the romance. The first part of this date ends with Jesse snowboarding with Deanna piggy-back. "Watch out for that tree!!!" she yells as ABC cuts to black.

This moment was brought to you by Sonny Bono.

So then we see Jesse's house, and all its perfectness for short small people everywhere. We heart this house, as well as the electronic labeler with which he has branded his kitchen. We are also impressed that (1) he started a non-profit for underprivileged kids with snowboarding skills to learn the trade, and more importantly (2) that he didn't hit Deanna over the head with said nonprofit until she walked into his house and saw the logo.

And then we meet Jesse's mother and Willy Nelson. Fortunately, his dad is just wearing fake long hair (although the ginormous bolo tie is real). These people are fabulous. Dad wants to know if DD looks Jesse in the eyes when talking to him and admits that "Your momma made my palms sweat" when Jesse says DD has that effect on him. Mom tells Double D that she would give her life for Jesse, that they couldn't have kids for 12 years and then finally conceived Jesse when they stopped trying. They gave him his name because it meant "gift from God." And then Dad makes us get a little teary recounting the same story to DD, concluding that "when he was born, I quit being my own person." Oh!

Ahem. So this date ends with a romanticky carriage ride in which Jesse FINALLY kisses Deanna (though we are not sure how well) and we all wonder if their noses don't get all snotty in the cold.

Date #2 is in Dallas, TX with Jeranilla, whom we pretty much hate right away for roaring up on a big motorcycle to pick her up, even though she thinks it's "hawt" because he knows she thinks it's hawt and that is not okay. We also hate this because he says there is "something about her riding behind me, legs wrapped around me." Boo.

Off we roar to Jeranilla's house, in all its perfectly decorated, hip splendor. Sayeth DD, "Perfect man, perfect house" blah blah blah gag. But we know that Jeremy has absolutely no Snap by the fact that he still has bar exam flash card posters taped to his living room wall. We also know that he deliberately left them up because his house is not "always this clean," (translation: "I cleaned it especially for you and made a choice to remind you that I AM A LAWYER by leaving the evidence of my ignorance on my prominently featured living room wall."). We also don't like him because he has real furniture that matches, even if the only reason we don't have any is because we hate shopping.

So he shows Deanna pictures of family and reads her his journal from his mother's last days. And while we can appreciate his opening up, we are not quite sure that it's the best thing to conclude one is "like" a person because you are both grieving the death of a parent, even if it gives one license to say that this person is "breaking down your walls" (just not the bar review ones).

Soon we meet brothers Jason and Patrick, along with sister-in-law Meridith. We cannot stop thinking about that girl in the movie Confetti with the large nostrils. We also don't really want to recount much of this big event, as it consists mostly of everyone saying how perfect and nice and sensitive and nilla Jeranilla is, the brothers grilling Deanna, and a fade out to Deanna and Jeremy on the sofa kissing with "corporations: P.U.F.F.Y. C.A.T." as a backdrop.

Soon it's time for Date #3 with Big Daddy in Seattle. Deanna is wearing a very, VERY yellow, shapeless jacket. Suck it in, Big Bird, 'cause we're going up in the space needle. We will not make fun of her for not knowing what the needle is, as we *might* have not known what the CN Tower was until recently. Yes, we were born under a rock.

We would like very much to return to said rock, as we suffer through a stilted conversation that may be summed as "would you like three kids? I'd like three kids" and how Double D wants to be a "young mom." We squewer thee with the hairy eyeball, Deanna, on behalf of all of us about to turn 1 year older than dirt. We are slightly mollified when Deanna is bitten by a duck while feeding the ducks with Big Daddy's son, Ty. It almost makes up for Deanna declaring that "the most perfect moment she'd ever seen" was when Ty and Big Daddy went running towards each other across the grass.

Soon we get to meet Big Daddy's mom, dad, two brothers, and sister in law. Once again, we love these people and their efforts to make greek food, do a toast with ouzo, and learn greek dancing. Big Daddy's family does the same "you need to open up, Big D" and "you are a special girl, Double D" as seen now three times on DD Part 6. We are not quite sure how Deanna managed to find three really nice families and then we remember . . . .

Graham whacker. Date #4 is in Raleigh at, well, Graham's high school (oh, he's that guy). We are dismayed to learn that Deanna "cannot keep her hands" off Graham and just thinks he's fabulous as he shoots hoops. We are also a little dismayed that both his and her b-ball jerseys have his last name emblazoned on them. What if she wants to keep her own? Hyphenate?

We are left hanging as we learn this was "where it all began" for Graham. On a team called The Cougars. We feel this explains a lot about Graham and his inability to date anyone longer than FOUR WEEKS according to his mother. Anyway, Deanna is all excited that Graham is being more talkative and affectionate, but we are not listening because she has now changed clothing and dear lord, her top is a horrendous blotch of polka dots and a giant necktie. We are pretty sure the top left dot reads: "I went to Clown College and All I Got Was this Crappy Halter."

We like Graham's mom and dad, even if they kept his bedroom as a shrine to all things Graham and basketball. We also remain hopeful that, after his own mother sells him out as probably not ready for a grown-up relationship, Double D will finally realize that the whacker needs to get the axe.

This date ends with Graham and Double D. On a park bench. In the middle of the woods (sort of, since a giant plane flew over). As he is drinking scotch from a plastic cup. And not talking to her. While simultaneously defending his lack of talking as handling things "internally." We may go completely ape if she says one more time that she feels "happy with," "close to," or "content" not talking to Graham whacker after fidgeting for 15 minutes during this little episode.

Mercifully, it is finally finally the rose ceremony. Having now concluded that the only thing standing between us and a completely boring final few episodes is Jesse, we pray fervently that Deanna's "fixin' to go from 4 guys to 3" includes our boy. And speaking of.... Jesse walks in wearing a white linen suit more suitable for Buttafuoco or Don Johnson, but we give him an A for effort. Our hearts lift as Double D comments in the dub-over that her relationship with Jesse is developing more normally than with the other dudes. Unfortunately, he is followed by "perfect" Jeranilla. Then Big Daddy. And then..

Oh. Holy. Jesus. Graham Whacker has managed to prepare for boarding school, the prom, a country club, and the bar all in one clever, clever outfit. He has jeans. A white button-down shirt untucked. A blood red satin tie. A burgundy algebra-teacher sweater. And a blue blazer. We recover from our seizure only long enough to watch Double D pick:

1. Jesse (OPA!!!!)
2. Jeranilla
3. Big Daddy.

Ooo, Graham goes home. But as she walks him to the door, he proves just how hopelessly young he is for his age as he says she is "entitled to her opinion and now she just made it easier for herself by telling herself" that he didn't open up, etc. And once again, we heart Deanna for fighting back and telling him that he was the one person she was falling in love with and then she had to send him home because he was such a tard. She cries, he looks away, he makes it worse by giving her a card with thoughts he "couldn't say," and she wonders if she will Ever Love Again.

Stay tuned for next week, when Jesse doesn't know if he can stay in the Grand Bahamas Fantasy Suite with Double D before meeting her dad. Or alternatively, when the Men Tell All.

KLo