Double D Part 4: Smooth. Rich. Succulent.

Pinkie Le Chef is totally throwing us for a loop at the beginning of Double D episode 4, as he is wearing I-fell-in-the-acid-and-came-out-the-Joker green, until we realize that said green is probably hypercolor and with just one puff of his sagey breath can he turn it to his signature pink. Buttafuoco's green is more problematic, being both limey and also with shoe tread on the shoulders. Fortunately he is not moving up to the "Big House" with Fred and Big Daddy. But Pinkie is. Dammit.

A 1:1 date is up for grabs, and ALL the boys must write and perform an original song for Deanna to win it. Ok, so we once wrote a song for our Original Crush Boy, who went by the name "Krispy Kreme" and played in a rock band called "Fat Back" in college. It went something like this:

Once there was a crush boy;
He looked like Bill the Cat;
His hair was kinda mangy
And we liked it just like that.
wa wa WAH WAHWAH

We wrote it in the cafeteria on a napkin, like the bad-ass that we are. But we are pretty sure that these dudes aren't going to rock it like that.

Our suspicion of unrockingness is confirmed when Pinkie unfolds himself like a preying mantis on the green hammock to write. Wait.. where did Pinkie go? Ryan is unconcerned, as he "loves putting verse on paper." Meanwhile, Graham already has three verses written WITH A GRENADE on the table beside him. This may be a grown-man sippy cup, but it looks suspiciously real to us. And at last, the competition.

Fred da Bears, whom we heart and plan to take out for a beer for reasons which shall be revealed infra, babies, begins:

"The Bachelorette's season is here agaehn
Diaannnna Paehpaehs is searchin' for a husbaaehnd
She's put her heeahrt on the line
To find a man who's funny and fine;
Deaahhhnaa's opened up her heahrt and soul;
If I see 'dos pigtails I'm gonna lose control;
The most important thing for Deahhhnnna to 'get' is dat
I'm her for her heart wid no regrehts."

Awe, we take this 800 times over Graham's random-ass stepping out of the side door like a bird in the sky because nobody knows the conflict between you and I and then something something about cocktails. We also prefer it to Pinkie's "we got 9 to 1, getting ready to have some fun" ode to a baseball team and Twilley's spoken verse: "Oh darlin,' please, don't say goodbye." Sayeth KMu: "Who does he think he is? Shatner?"

But it could not possible get worse than Jeremy rapping:
"Six guys in the house
Which one do you choose
To take to dinner tonight...Pick the wrong one and YOU LOSE
the chance to see.. ..I'm the best for you.
I hope that you. do."

He's down with O.P.P., yeah, you know he.

Buttafuoco rhymes "inspirational" with ""sensational," Big Daddy rhymes "Santorini" with "your bikini," and Jesse sings the worst song ever, but we love him anyway because he is wearing a belt buckle like our favorite Big Bang Theory scientist, Howard Wolowitz, and also boxers and also a weird plaid hat AND ALSO a t-shirt with a necktie printed on it. But then it is Ryan's turn.

Gentle readers, Ryan's song is has a title: House of My Pain. (jump up, jump up, and get down!!! Jump around!!!). Okay, maybe we added the parenthetical, but it goes something like this:

"Baby your heart makes me feel like I could fly-ah
Deanna, your spirit makes me melt away my fe-ahrs
I beg you baby, don't take away my yea-ahrs.
It's midnight in the house of my pain.
You've stolen my heart - now I've got something to gai-ahn
I wander the halls whispering your na-ehm
In the house of my payayayayayyayayayayayain."

yeah, so Jesse wins. He is all nervous and decides (danger, Houston) to wear his "the government is giving away free $$$" jacket from the first tragic rose ceremony. Fortunately for Jesse, he gets an awesome suit to compliment Double D's fabulous dress...except wtf did someone take a seam-ripper to her neckline? Anyway, Deanna takes Jesse to a theater with "One night only. Just for you, Jesse. Love, Deanna." written on the Marquee. And while we realize that ABC intended a meaningful gesture, we cannot but think "Deanna does Dallas" or the equally popular "Happy Birthday Steve." We are sorry, ABC, but we are hopelessly in the midwest.

So we pretty much love Jesse (though not as much as Richard, R.I.P.), who admits he's scared on this date, says he's never cheated because he simply got out of a relationship if he didn't want to be in it, admits he's stubborn, says he's falling in love, and toasts to moving into a "new area" (hm). We also give him props for completely pushing the rose issue in a non-smarmy way.... succeeding in getting said rose. And then oh oh oh oh Natasha Bedingfield starts to sing, and we are loving it and grooving and and and...... is that an Ice Road Trucker playing the guitar?????? And even if this means admitting that we watched an entire marathon of Ice Road Truckers on Sunday rather than working, we really want to know if Trucker Alex Debogorski is now playing guitar for Natasha Bedingfield to feed his 11 children when the ice road is melted.

And now we are on to the group date with Brian, Twilley, Buttafuoco, Jeremy, Graham, and Big Daddy. "Gentlemen, start your engines," the date card says. Holy crap, Fred is excited to get the 2:1 date (because he was not named for this one), except we don't notice because he is wearing a bucket cap like we all wore on the beach at age 2, but fringed on top (perhaps because he is going to take Deanna out on his surrey). And then BAM he is suddenly channeling Newsies with a new hat and we want him to break into song and dance. Unfortunately, Pinkie is the other guy accompanying Fred on the 2:1 date, and he has his collar popped again.

Except we have to see the group date first: a day at the Fontana, CA race track racing stock cars. Buttafuoco - finally explaining why he is single - says "me and my buddies, we race our muscle cars at home."

So the deal is, three timed laps and the lucky winner gets some time with Deanna. Brian goes first and, despite not being able to get started, pulls almost the fastest time for the rest of the pack. Graham doesn't own a car since he "lives in Manhatten and takes the subway." We heard this as "since I live in Manhatten and walk to Subway," which we like better. Jeremy gets all pissed because he didn't beat Brian, and suddenly we see him as the gunner that he may be, Twilley is terrified, but Buttafuoco. Oh, Buttafuoco. He's "droppin' the hammer, baby." Of course he wins. Damn.

So in Buttafuoco's 1:1 time, he is "all emotional" because he analogizes the day to a race for Deanna's heart. He says to Deanna that he hopes "choo" see that they have a lot of "same similarities." And when she reveals that she lived in Kentucky for six years before her mother died, he responds with "Whooo, I knew you had a little 'red' in you!!" (i.e., you're a redneck). Okay, you know you're a redneck when you tell a woman SHE'S a redneck in response to her revelation that her mom died. You also know you're a redneck when you say the following:

"When she left rubber on the starting line, something none of us guys did, I said, 'This is my wife.'"

Jeremy mercifully saves us from The Buttafuoco, except we are a little skeezed out by him and his irrational display of pissitude at not getting the fastest race time. But our skeez does not last long, as Twilley is soon comparing Jeremy and the other guys to the "parable" of the tortoise and the hare. You know the one, where Jesus accepts the prodigal tortoise with welcome arms? He took a really long time to get home, but he finally did.

So then Graham interrupts Jeremy, pulling Deanna aside and then refusing to kiss her because he "doesn't want to be one of a bunch." He "wants to be different" and tells her that maybe now she knows how HE feels since she's hurt because he won't kiss her. He is such a freaking tard.

Buttafuoco gets the rose on this date. NOOOOOOOOO.

Back at the ranch, Pinkie (now in his familiar habitat: candy stripes) and Fred da Bears get their date card for the pending 2:1 date. "Who has the recipe for love? One stays, the other goes" it says.

Pinkie Le Chef says he's "got the recipe for love. Smooth. Rich. Succulent." *mrrrrrowwwwrrrr*.

The wind is sucked out of the Mu household as KMu, PMu, and this viewer all collectively gasp.....and then rewind 10 times to watch Pinkie meow. We also love Fred: "I'm nervous because it didn't say the recipe for beef stew. But if it's the recipe for love, then I feel I can give more than [Pinkie]."

But before the 2:1 date comes into being, we must suffer through a party that the guys throw for Double D. Highlights: Brian is wearing a t-shirt that says "Home Wrecker," Graham is sulking because Deanna has to be with other guys (um, it's called the Bachelorette), Jeremy displays his buffness - further confirming that there is no possible way he could be an active attorney because we all know everything sags after about a year, and Pinkie goes inside to pout because he has to cook and is not the center of attention. He is also likely re-structuring his collar, now blue and up to the bottom of his ears. Hello, Pink of the Ton. Turn your head much? Fancy a pinch of snuff?

When DD goes fishing for Le Chef, he feeds her a fumbling bullshit line about how his "mind is reeling" and he is inside pouting not because he is passive aggressive and hoping to make her come to him, thereby stroking his fragile ego, but because DD "probably has her top three picked out . . . not like someone told me...but that's how I took what they said." Double D goes ape, drags Pinkie outside, calls the entire group on being a stupid pack of man-sheep, and storms off to the house. After that, Graham feels "guilty because I haven't opened up 110%."

And because we would all love to go on a date after being both furious and annoyed, the next event is the Fred-Pinkie 2:1 date. PlC is one button away from posing for the cover of a Harlequin on this date, which is dinner in the Hollywood Hills. And this is why we love Fred. In addition to being apparently decent, he is also normal. DD asks the boys to tell her what the most romantic date was that they ever planned, and we get the following:

Pinkie: "I chartered a helicopter to LA. I had ordered five bags of rose petals beforehand, and so I sprinkled them on a path to the bedroom and wrote 'I love you' in rose petals on the bed." . . . . .So basically, he watched the Bachelor Seasons 1-9 and copied the Fantasy Suite date.

Fred: I planned a surprise getaway to Lake Geneva, with a night cruise and quiet time together talking.

Yay, FRED!!!!!

But now it is time for some 1:1 time during the date, and oh no oh no Pinkie goes first. We are suddenly watching through our afghan as he says he is a "big believer in the passion side of the relationship and how you feel when you kiss a person." Oh oh oh it is like a giant talking Salmon making the moves when we open the refrigerator door. He is asking for a kiss and has made the Jaws of Life headlock on Deanna as he leans in ....and she totally shuts him down by turning her head. Yay, Deanna!!! Thank you for not giving us A Vision. Despite this, he can "tell she's into him" because he can "read people."

We are bigger fans of Fred da Bears, who tells DD during their time together that he's in it for her, and that he wants her to know that there are people fighting for and he's one of those people. But then this is the thing.....

SHE CUTS THEM BOTH. *gasp*. Pinkie had it coming - apparently salmon is too smooth, rich, and succulant for some ladies and really, that shirt unbuttoned thing really dings the ick meter. "I didn't have the recipe for love," he says, "It will be awhile before I let anyone in again." And we thought WE were dramatic. But Fred... Fred says he wants the best for her, and that he wishes her well and hopes she finds everything she is wishing for. Fred, your next drink is on the staff here at BNU. Someday you will not finish last.

So Deanna returns to The Big House solo, and Big Daddy (now the only remaining dude at chez D, since she cut Fred and Pinkie) is happy to comfort her.

At last, it is time for cocktails. And dammit, Buttafuoco is wearing that horrible "shades of grey" striped suit. Better be happy you got a rose, Buttafuoco, because the fashion police would be hauling your ass out of the house. No big highlights here, other than Jeremy apologizing to Deanna for getting upset about losing at the race track. We do not here this because ABC is ripping off Allison Krauss for it's guitar back-up. Sing with KMu and me: "it's amazing how you can speak right to my heart....." On a related note, while we love our girl Allison, does anyone feel that helium may be involved in that song?

So Buttafuoco wants to know what Deanna was wearing when Big Daddy comforted her. Brian awkwardly holds DD's hands as he talks to her. Twilley is wearing possibly the worst brown polyester suit and lavendar tie combo ever, and Graham reaches Dick Alert Level Red, previously unachieved by even Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus-Thicke. "I'm sorry that I hurt you," he says. "But when I hurt you, I also realized that it hurt me, and that was good." Let us translate for all the boys out there: "I know I was a complete asshole, but in making you feel bad, I realized I give a shit." Please DD, please please send him home. We don't care if you think he's cute. This is for your own good.

Deanna decides to mix it up by having a swim break at the party, which seems to work well until Jesse rears up through the water with Deanna's thighs around his neck, spouting water like Nessie herself. Behold, The Game of Chicken: the mating dance of many.

And at last, having sent Fred (R.I.P. Fred) and Pinkie home, Deanna has just one more person to reject. Joining the ranks of Jesse and Buttafuoco with roses, she selects:
1. Big Daddy
2. Jeremy
3. Twilley (WTFwtfwtfwtf); and
4. Graham (noooooooooo).

Brian graceously leaves. And we are faced with cold hard Bachelorette reality: Double D has two nice guys (Jesse, Big Daddy) left, two stoned/drunk/shroomed-looking crazies (Twilley and Graham), one guy who would cut us like our neighbor Dennis (Buttafuoco), and Jeremy, the longest-lasting attorney on any Bachelor/Bachelorette show ever. We are depressed.

Stay tuned for next week, when the boys go overnight to Palm Springs.

KLo