Double D Part 5: Buttafuoco's Last Stand

Boo for the two-part special episode, in which Deanna First must Tell All in the dress Angel Hair Barbie once wore on Star Trek while masquerading as Vanna White. We weep for her ladybits, so dangerously close to a fresh air escape.

But the "revealing look" into the soul of The Bachelorette to which Chris Harrison alludes is actually to the manpersons still vying for Double D's attention. Well. All we really care about here is that she and also the tribal people of the rain forest did not realize RLaV was a virgin, that she was embarrassed for Paul of Canada's pool jumping escapades, and that Pinkie le Chef won her over by cooking *coughgrandstandingcough* that first night. Oh, and that the show is "real." As for the remaining men, she is drawn to Graham like crack (and that is whack), she's never opened up to anyone about her mom like she did to Big Daddy, and she and Buttafuoco had a "great connection on the race track."

According to Buttafuoco, said connection was because no one else shares a bond like they do living in Kentucky. "Except everyone else who lives in Kentucky," says KMu.

But then, a moment of silence for Our Beloved (R.I.P.). Why didn't Deanna pick Richard?? We all secretly know it's because Richard is Saving Himself for the Kloicious, but she tells the world it's because there was no connection. Ok fine, that is better than the next teaser for the Most Dramatic Outhouse Date Ever (which we also all know is between our person of significance and guest toilet post-mexican. R.I.P., porcelain.)

ANYWAY, blah blah 2:1 date recap with Pinkie le Chef and Fred da bears, blah blah Trista and Ryan footage re-shown from prior seasons.

Dear Trista,
It's okay that you got rejected by Alex Michel because he is going to look like a trout in 10 years. And also, he probably picked up a critter from Big Boobs McGee in the infamous dessert episode. So really, it all worked out in the end for you.
Love,
KLo

And now it is time to take an "in-depth look" at the remaining six men. Ha cha cha, we start with Jesse, who has broken a few bones and tendons. He also has "dudebro" hair. We don't know what that is, but are pretty sure we also have it. We still like him because 1) he is going to be himself, so if he gets the axe, it is as himself, and 2) he called her beautiful AND witty.

But then holy crap, Twilley is suddenly breaking it down, batshit-style. He says he's only an idiot "sometimes" except that he hid in the bushes for Double D, stalked her at a rose ceremony, and also probably gets massive chapped lips in the winter. But on the plus side, he built real estate software in college and his dad played for the Dolphins (which is why Twilley paints, because the second generation is always a bunch of starving artists).

So then: Big Daddy. Golfing. Running. He is "the best for Deanna" because they both take risks. Admittedly, Big D and the Double are cute short people together.

IYAAAAAA!!!!!! Buttafuoco busts in on the Big Daddy moment with his awesome high kickness. Dear readers, Buttafuoco was "small for his age" when he was 9 and so he got into martial arts. Now he is competitive and must have one of the "top 50 martial arts studios in the US." But that has not prevented him from handing in his Man Card. He has a "closet full of name brand" clothing. If the luggage doesn't have "LV" on it, he doesn't want it. He has a five bedroom house and evil evil Hummer. He has the following at home: 1) a punching bag, 2) an elliptical trainer, 3) a portable sauna in the middle of a room (to "sweat off the water weight"), 4) A WALK-IN TANNING BED (because "darker = thinner"), and a bigger closet than any girl I know. He needs these "tools" to keep him in shape. He then needs lots of "facial cleansers" and "creams" to maintain his complexion.

So basically, he is the Trophy Wife he has always wanted.

Buttafuoco also lives one street over from his parents, talks to his mother multiple times every day, and proudly professes himself to be a "momma's boy." OMG, we pray for thee, oh future wife of the Buttafuoco. We are only marginally thankful to Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus Thicke for "modernizing" his hair to something less than total mulletude.

Less interestingly, we are presented with Grahamwhacker. We realize that he and the D share "a look and a bond," Except the "argue a lot more than anyone else." But never fear, the Whacker believes "the conflict between she and I is leading towards a healthy relationship." But he knows that he "doesn't verbalize very well." Graham-whack is just too close to brain damage for us.

So...instead we focus on Jeremy. But Jeremy is more like Jeranilla, as he is this: ----------. Yes, there is a disturbing lack of body fat and also some smarts. But the man reads "transfers and conveyances" and never falters from his -----ingness. He says his professional life as a lawyer/attorney is "known to be very isolating" because he "comes home from work at 9 or 10 at night, so there's just no time for socializing." Consequently, he "never meets people or gets to know them well." He has a "huge void" in his life, filled only marginally by his dog, Chemo.

Ok, so now we want to hang ourselves. Yay, chosen profession.

But at least Deanna has now "told all" and we get to move on to the real episode, starting with the revelation that there will be no roses on any dates. Double D is taking the six boys to Palm Springs. Buttafuoco is all pumped because he has never been to Palm Springs. We are pretty sure that he is not filling a suitcase de la Vuitton as he giddily packs. We are also more confident that Jesse is not, either.

Soo, the men are all settled in their new digs at the Parker Hotel, decorated especially by Shayne of the Llamas' mother from Season Rocky. (Ok, so we don't know this for sure but feel comfortable in our assumption due to the marked prevalence of zebra and fake tribal masks.) The first date box shortly arrives, and it is for Buttafuoco: "Let's take our relationship to knew heights." Buttafuoco is pumped, and likens himself to a Kentucky race horse: He hung back initially, but he is now ready to make his move and separate himself from the pack before being shipped to the glue factory.

Deanna and the Butta meet up at a very creekity Tram to some mountain top. We notice the ginormous tattoos in asian-looking characters on his back. This probably says "My Momma." We also notice that his shirt is seriously one Klo owned in fourth grade, with a little white piping on one side and one side only. This must be the mandition of the much hated half-halter top. At least he doesn't have a plastic bra strap hanging out "as if" no one can see because it's plastic and therefore "invisible."

ANYWAY, after arriving at the top of the mountain for dinner, Buttafuoco makes a series of analogies to walking around without a "loaded gun." Apparently, he "finally came to the conclusion that he'd rather walk around with a loaded gun than no gun at all." Let us translate: "Up yours, Canada."

He claims to have the same family values as does she. She invites him up to her suite for dessert, the path to which is miraculously is strewn with rose petals. Somebody better tell Pinkie that ABC stole his date idea. But le Chef isn't on here anymore to defend his originality, so all we really care about is the following conversation:

Butta: "I live one street over from my parents."
DD: "Oh wow." blink. blink. blink. [translation: "well, maybe they don't see each other much."]

Butta: "I did that on purpose."
DD: squint. [translation: "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck"]

Butta: "If you come home with me, the process will end."
DD: chirp. chirp. [translation: chirp chirp]

So then we have Ye Ol Standard Date with a Narcissist conversation, with him saying actions speak louder than words and how she is what he needs in his life as he tries to wheedle props out of her for waiting it out as she dated other guys, followed by "It's you, baby." *slurpsmackslobber* and "Thank you, baby." Ew. Just, ew. We are confident that Richard (R.I.P.) does not call his ladyfriends "baby."

Back at the Llama-influenced suite, the remaining boys are all geeked to be picked up by a helicopter. But wait, it's for Twilley and Deanna. The other dudes have to take a second helicopter to date #2, somewhere in the middle of the California desert. And apparently, this is going to be an awesome few minutes because according to Grahamwhacker, Twilley gets really bad motion sickness. So a few uncomfortable deep breaths, sweats, and burps later, Twilley is finally at the date location but can't open the helicopter door. But he does, as Deanna says....

"All right, boys, grab a shovel."

Boo, we wish they had to dig holes until they found treasure. But instead all the get to do is ride ATVs. Jesse is a complete daredevil badass and we heart him a little more for popping wheelies. Big Daddy just drives in a straight line, besuiting his nature. Graham keeps up, we think. Twilley lags behind and stalls out his ATV. Blah blah this ends at the pool for more gratuitous almost-nakedness as Big Daddy leads Deanna off for 1:1 time.

Big Daddy says he is most like his mother. "She knows how to show she loves. And she knows how to do it. I've learned that from her." Well here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

Jesse also steals Double D for some 1:1 time, but spends the entire time talking about how much he respects her while awkwardly holding her hand under the table, instead of kissing her like she is so obviously wanting. Hm, sounds like a Mennonite boy. Jesse, we gotta work on your game if you are going to be Bachelor # 1 on DateaJD.com.

Graham-whacker also steals Deanna. We don't like him so we boycott this 1:1 time from the BNU airwaves.

Mercifully, we are finally at Date #3, with Jeranilla. "Let's Take a Step Back in Time with Ol' Blue Eyes," the date card reads. Jeranilla has no idea where they are going, even when Double D pulls up in a 50's style dress and vintage convertible. OMG, Jeranilla, you are officially confirming that you live under a rock. Finally, FINALLY, he puts it together when they arrive at Frank Sinatra's house for dinner, but then he doesn't know any of the words to "The Way You Look Tonight." Jeremy is one lucky dude, as the only thing saving him from Complete BNU Revolt is the fact that he can dance. So blah blah they have more canned conversation about how she "wants" to fall in love with him (uh oh) and how he thinks she is "perfect for him." Cut to old movie music during which back-up dancers turn slowly on a spiral staircase wearing swim caps covered in tulle. And scene.

At last, it is the rose ceremony. Ooo, shocking twist! No cocktail party tonight, as Double D is sure in her decisions. And she picks:

1. Jeranilla
2. Big Daddy
3. Graham-whacker
4. Jesse (WHOOOT).

Buttafuoco and Twilley get the axe as a rip-off Chris Isaak musak croones "no Iiiiiiiii don't want to fall in love."

Stay tuned for next week, in which the Moms break-it-down for Double D and we learn that Graham-whacker has had a "challenge" finding a relationship that has lasted more than 4 weeks.

Peace.
KLo