Big Daddy Part 6: When Doves Cry

So Episode 6 begins with Big Daddy in his "save some" t-shirt as he packs for trips to visit the remaining four womens' families. Only we now realize ths shirt says "for later" across the backside. Please please Big D we do not want you preserving anything on, from, or attached to your backside for later.

Blah blah we recap the women.
Bachelorette #1: Jillian is "active, fun." She is the "strongest person here," but will she rely upon him? (because he needs that, dear readers).
Bachelorette #2: Molly is a slumper but has pretty eyes and a "secret talent" for kissing. She "pushes and challenges" him. They would have the "perfect life" together. And also, we do not think she will age well.
Bachelorette #3: Friendly Skies is very serious and is looking more and more like Paula Abdul circa "Rush Rush" every day. Here's her story, and her story goes: Oh baby, baby please don't pick this girl.
Bachelorette #4: Big Daddy can't "find any faults" with Melissa. *CoughSnake dresscough*.

Off we go to Kelowna, B.C. (to be distinguished from Kelona, IA) to visit Jillian's family. Oh, they run towards each other! Oh, Jillian is wearing cute pink gloves and a scarf the exact color of everything in the Victoria's Secret store! Our sister once lost her exactly-matching-the-interior-of-V.S.-hat in a VS store. It was a very stressful 20 minutes until one of us found the offending hat sunning itself like a little lizzard on the edge of the pink pink table cloth beside a plastic tub of underwear. But anyway, Jillian tells the story of standing on "OgoPogo" the loch ness monster of Lake Okanagan while tubing or something as a child, and then suddenly we are at Mount Boucherie sipping wine by the fire as Jill reveals her mother's struggle with depression. Oh! We heart you, Jillian. Person made prematurely strong by the ravages of time!!

We meet Jillian's mom and dad, Glen and Peggy, as well as her cousin Torrie and her boyfriend Charles. "Hey there guy, how are ya?!?" says Glen as he drapes Big Daddy in a Canadian flag. We do not register this much, as we are asking God why why can't we have perfect hair like Jillian and Torrie??? And also, a boyfriend who cooks like Charles? And while we are asking for things, could you please please bring us some All Dressed Potato Chips because those things are magical goodness and we can't get them over here (our backside thanks thee, oh grocery store importer, but our taste buds cry out).

But our reverie is suspended by Peggy's poem/toast to Jillian:
In your heart, I hope you find love.
You certainly deserve to fly like a dove (foreshadowing, babies!!!!!)
You handled all of the pain and joy just like an angel sent from above.
Pressure makes diamonds and you shine like one.
You bring happiness to us all as bright as the sun.
You are as precious to us as flowers need the rain.
We'll always be there for you again and again.
Life is a dance and it's just like you to take this chance.

The rain in spain falls mainly on the plain. And also, everyone on the bachelor should take sophomore poetry again. Or publish a "greatest hits."

But we forgive Peggy her bad poem stylings because she's blessedly normal and asks Jason all manner of questions about how he views marriage and handles conflict. He's not "a fighter," dear readers. He views marriage as, "You choose to be there." Translation: "Peggy, I really need a person who, you know, doesn't dig chicks this time around." But here is our thing: If we hear one more comment about how life is "a dance," we are going to throw a moldy point shoe at someone. And then...Granny Marjorie shows up!! We love Marjorie with her crazy black sequin 1850s midwest tie thingy, Canadian boxers for Big Daddy, running commentary on how he is "very very beautiful. A gorgeous guy." and threats to marry Jillian off to a Ukranian. We secretly hope that we will see lots more of Granny. Like maybe at the Final Rose Ceremony, giving Big Daddy the hairy eyeball if he even THINKS about offering for some other woman.

But suddenly we are on Hometown Date #2 with Molly at the "Country Club" in Grand Rapids, MI. Molly is channeling Pinkie Le Chef from Season Double D with her Izod collar standing to attention and argyle Banana Republic sweater with matchy golf shorts. "We are preppy, so it's sexy that he golfs," says she. We take your argyle, Molly, and raise you one tennis bracelet. We are growing increasingly alarmed, as Molly takes Big Daddy home to meet her family and we realize that she calls her parents by their first names. There is something sort of brittle and foolish about a twenty-four year old person saying "Oh, Maryann brought out the hats" about her mother even if Maryann DID bring out the hats and make Jason wear a "Indian headdress" not unlike my high school mascot. And did I mention that golf is a big part of the family's life? Just in case we missed that.

But here is our thing: Big Daddy is also a huge golf person. And now we are wondering if he is, in fact, as preppy as Molly and we somehow just missed that. While we pegged him as a lover of the sport, we did not think he would be sipping mint julips and talking to Chauncy about the best steakhouse while riding around on the Links in linen pants. Boo.

Anyway, Maryann makes Big D draw a picture of "his favorite memory of Molly's face." WTF. Maryann announces that "Molly is our special baby," as the Dad tells Molly she's going to be the last one standing because "she's a winner." She's good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like her. Except us. ALL of us. So Big Daddy comes up with a drawing that looks like The Joker with roses and a rainbow, but we like that he had to put long hair on it because otherwise the drawing would "look like a boy."

Finally, FINALLY this ends except that Big D can't "get enough of" Molly and had a wonderful time. Nooooooo. But okay, if that is really what you want then please release Jillian so she can find someone fabulous and artsy yet emotionally stable.

We hide under our afghan for Hometown Date #3 with Friendly Skies in California. She meets Big Daddy on a dead lawn and makes a toast to her "potential future husband" and meeting the family. We are not listening, as we cannot look away from the giant black marble fashion ring she is wearing. We hope they try to hold hands. But soon we are on our way to meet mother Joann, Dad Hector, and an assortment of skreetchity nieces, nephews, and half siblings. "My family is probably as crazy as it gets," says FS. We are realizing that no shizz, this is the understatement of the year as Joann busts out the hula hoops. "Be one with the hula hoop" she says as everyone struggles to chisel their hips loose and Jason starts to get a painted-on smile.

Undeterred, Joann retrieves the dove she hit with her car while driving home from work the other day. The dove, "Rosie" has been preserved in the family refrigerator awaiting this special moment where it can be buried by Big D. Our childhood friend RMi once left a little chunk of finger in the door of our friend LGi's dad's car during carpool. LGi's dad saved the chunk in a little bag on ice in the fridge, just in case RMi needed it, where LGi found it after school. It looked just like a little piece of hot dog. LGi didn't eat meat for 10 years after that. True story.

Anyway, Big Daddy has to eulogize the dead dove, after which the nephew says something like "Let's kill it's head" and starts jamming a stick into the little gravesite Joann made in the backyard. We are a little scared of the nephew, but even more scared of Hector, who is no longer with Joann but is very very much with Jesus, his Lord and Savior. He starts prostletizing to Big Daddy about the One True God and what Jesus saying in the Bible about marriage as the most important thing as he asks about Jason's relationship with Christ. We secretly wonder what Hector would say about Jesus and the three Vegas slot machines sitting in the background during this little chat.

Regardless, we now know why Hector and Joann are no longer together, as Joann's 1:1 time with Big Daddy involves Joann's "premonitions" and the announcement that Friendly Skies is "very strong psychically." She is an "Indigo" babies, as is Joann, whose passion is reincarnation. Joann thinks Friendly Skies "comes from a better world, or maybe the future." Ok, so Wikipedia says that Indigo children apparently represent a higher state of human evolution. All we know is that if Paula Abdul is our better future, we are going to be Really Pissed Off.

Blah Blah Hector talks to Friendly Skies about her strong "Judeo-Christian background" and Friendly Skies tells Hector that she wants to have a family that is in one place, and not multiple places. And we suddenly realize what is going on here. Having managed to escape high school without getting pregnant so that she can have "someone to love," Friendly Skies is now channeling all of that teenage angst into an ill-planned television-fueled marriage to someone who is clearly panicked at the thought of marrying into this family. Oh, we love this show.

Finally, it is Date #4 with Melissa in Dallas, Texas. But crisis: Her parents are not comfortable being on television, so Big Daddy is going to meet some of her "best friends" instead, including one that looks like Tom Petty's half brother. This is all perfectly understandable, except that then we learn that Melissa's real brother is also not coming because it is 5 pm on a Friday and he lives 1 1/2 hours away (?). And also, that her parents never went to a single Cowboys game when she was a Cheerleader. And that her best friends don't think they have ever met Melissa's parents except oh yeah, one time in college maybe if they remember right. This is just weird. Melissa has also been the dumpee in most of her relationships, and she has generally dated people more interested in hanging out in a bar with their buddies instead of with her, according to her friends.

We feel bad for Melissa and hope that she can aim a little higher than just dating fucktards for the next 10 years of her life. But we are not so sure this tv type thing is the best thing for her, although she did make Ty a nice tooth fairy box for his "monies" when he loses his teeth. Anyway, this date is odd with lots of weepy time between Melissa and her girlfriends and lots of pool playing with the boys. Melissa is apparently "110% in love with Jason" afterwards, and hm. we don't know what to think.

Oh Oh Oh but the rose ceremony is upon us! Chris Harrison and Big Daddy sit on the porch and debate. We try to forgive Big Daddy's purple tie on purple shirt ensemble. He has "a connection" with Jillian, but is it enough? (yes, YES!!). Is Molly really ready for marriage? Is Friendly Skies? Wasn't it odd not to meet Melissa's family? We do not really care because we know ABC is just messing with us. And then we see Friendly Skies.

Dear Achilles:
If you are looking for your magic running shoes (you know, the awesome gold ones that lace up to my knees), I borrowed them for the rose ceremony. I'm sure you totally won't miss them in that battle.
Love,
Friendly Skies.

For those, she deserves to go home. And sure enough, Big D picks:
1. Molly, in a fuschia satin nightie tied with a belt
2. Jillian (yay!!)
3. Melissa (meh).

Bye bye, Friendly Skies. Maybe I will see you on a flight someday and you can put airplane tap water in my drink.

Stay tuned for next week, when Big Daddy takes the women to New Zealand for the next installment of the Quest for the Ring and Double D returns to either fight for Big D's love or look really bad in a tapestry jacket.

But babies, this is our confession: we will be in India next week (assuming we get our tourist visa in time because we are rockstars and forgot to get one), so there might be just a teensy little, um, time delay here at the BNU.

The BNU trusts you to stay true in our absence.

Peace.