Big Daddy Part 2: 'Til Death Do Us Part

The season of Big Daddy is majorly sucking wind as we head into Part 2. Blah blah, BD in the shower. Blah blah Nikki really stood out (pan of the "girls" waiving hello out of some dress). 15 women move into the house and encourage Jason to "take it off." Oh Oh, rubbing sun tan lotion into his "bare shoulders and chest was a gift." We are so unimpressed.

As Big D is packing Ty up to go visit his mother, the women prepare to move into the Bachelorette pad. It's the same house that bachelorettes from seasons of yore have used. "I hope they changed the sheets," sayeth KMu. True dat. But WTF is up with the white Christmas tree wearing boots? And also, why is Melissa the cheerleader wearing mini-gongs for earrings? We hurt for her lobes. Fortunately, Stephanie of the "tragically killed husband" is looking less severe .....even when TA DA!! Chris Harrison reveals that not all of the women will be going on a date every week!! Naomi the 24 year old flight attendant is stressed: "It definately sucks for, like, those who don't get to go out on dates!" We secretly hope that is Naomi.

But then, Shannon aka "Hello Clarice" obsessed dental hygenist strikes back. Ok, so once upon a time we had to fanny around as a bird for this show. It was a dark time, filled with many school auditoriums and punctuated by pain whenever the errant "I'm a bird -- you can tell by my sparkles" glitteratti encroached upon eyeball territory. Yet here we were again, blinded by a thousand points of light that was Shannon's glittery swimsuit. Like two styrofoam balls dipped in glue and cheap silver shavings was this swimsuit. Like homemade silver pasties at a midwestern gentleman's club fits this swimsuit. We are nervous.

Sloooowly, to the tune of last season's "big proposal of the final episode" music, Big Daddy takes off his shirt (he has 'surprised' everyone at the pool -- even though -crisis- some of them "weren't wearing makeup."). Time. Stands. Still. Until PMu says, "holy boney asses." And it's so true, with the tramp stamps and the bizarre strappity swimsuits that make muffin-top into little pigs in blankets and the lady with the Star of David "pointing the way" on the bottom half of her bikini. The water volleyball game isn't pretty.

But soon, the "women" are pulling BD away for 1:1 time. Shannon/HC wants to "rub Big Daddy down," and pronounces that she is "ready to be a mom because all of my friends are pregnant." We suddenly feel like we have failed a logic test. Lauren, the government teacher, expresses her "inner anxiety"to le Daddy in a pink polka dot bikini as he rubs her leg. Ok so this is a bit creepy. A brief glimpse of Jillian the restaurant designer eating like a real person and talking about her hot dog theory is not sufficient for us to recover. She thought Big Daddy was a ketchup guy, gentle readers. A momma's boy. Fortunately, he was mustard, and not saurkraut. Because "if you're kraut, you're out."

And then: surprise, Jason *must* hand out a rose. "Please give this rose to the woman you want to share a romantic evening with," directs the card. But Big Daddy is surrounded by women, necks bobbling the Finding Nemo birds "mine mine mine mine." Jason panicks and places the rose 'as far away as possible," 'lest he be pecked to death. Except now Naomi/Friendly Skies is only more determined to have alone time. She is "drawn to" Big Daddy's "charity work" and announces that she "works with orphans." We are pretty sure this means that she helped an orphan find the correct gate once. HC throws an ice cube at Naomi and Jason to break up the couple, and we decide that we really like Nikki because she advises Stephanie how to gracefully interrupt Big Daddy's 1:1 time with Natalie (who we don't like. none of us.) by bringing him a drink. Unfortunately, Stephanie bombs this particular challenge and is left to drink both drinks in the corner. We wonder if this is because she is wearing a doily, but we appreciate her good humor.

The rose goes to Jillian!! Hurrah!!! Kari, who we still know nothing about, says something we don't notice because we are staring at her horsey hair, all straight up and poofity (booo). Natalie, who was "sure" she was going to get the rose, runs crying into the bathroom. Raquel, the Brazilian medical student, goes chasing after her like, "dude, don't let little things get to you." Sayeth Natalie: "That could have been me, but WHATEVER." But the prize goes to Lauren, who is "a little disappointed because I'm a competitive girl. I've done pageants. I like to win things." But then she is all happy NOT to have gone on the date because: "Oh my god, I wouldn't have known what to do with so little time to get ready. I would have had to wear my hair curly. That would have totally sucked. Or I would have had to wear it in a ponytail. I'm glad it wasn't me." Lauren is a tard.

So the date with Jillian is fabulous -- a private dinner and dance at the Disney Center, which Jillian is all jazzed about because she's interested in architecture. Except that Big Daddy feeds her chocolate covered strawberries. Ew ew ew and down with chocolate-covered strawberries, the high class version of the Jujy Fruit, harbinger of dating death. We are vaguely horrified, waiting for the smeary chocolate seedlings to take root in J-dawg's teeth. Fortunately, she sidesteps this disaster by catching a chunk of berry as it falls towards her dress and smoothly commenting, "I really didn't think you'd be this cool." Love it. This date seems to progress well, despite the horror that is Robin Thicke crooning "I got it, you got it, we got it baby" and "sweet sweeettttt sweeet sweeeeetttt you are my swweweweeeet delight" as they dance awkwardly and kiss. We are so glad we are not on that date, as we would be laughing helplessly in the corner, having chucked every last strawberry at Mr. Thicke.

Back at Chez Bachelorette, Melissa the former cheerleader gets the next date card to "take our relationship to new heights." Megan the lacrosse coach, wearing a Pittsburg Steelers t-shirt (ahahaha) sends "I will cut you" vibes as Melissa sweats her preparation. But Mleader rolls her pants down 3 more times and stomps off when Jillian says that kissing Big Daddy really "took their relationship to a new level." Crackberrying furiously from home, viewer SArt says "of course it did, dipstick. You went from day 1 to day 2." We feel your pain, SArt, and it will only get worse, as we learn that Melissa "does not know how to date" because she was "in a relationship from AGE 15 TO AGE 22."

Ah, so this is ABC's formula: Perpetuating the myth of the sheltered (yet hot) maiden searching for life's purpose taking care of the child of an unlucky-in-love older man who will also unlock her womanly secrets and Teach her To Love. This all sounds like the The Greek Tycon's Secret Love Child and other Quality Fiction we *might* have read over Christmas break.

Anyway, Melissa is "like other women that Big D is attracted to": cute, fun, the life of the party, but not ready to settle down? Can she hack it, gentle readers? Only time will tell. Melissa chokes down oysters for this guy. She wants to be a 1st grade teacher and then "play with her kids" during the summer. She has always "danced," from wearing a tutu at age 3 to "dancing" for Dallas. Ok, Melissa you are peppy etc but if you equate being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader to the art that is dancing one more time WE are going to ice Megan and cut you ourselves. In your innermost heart, you know that athletic team dancing is really leaping around in stirrup pants with a flag/rifle/pom-pom/farm implement, so just back off sister.

But this date seems to be going well. As Big Daddy and Mleader are sitting on the beach, the GoodYear blimp wanders by saying "h e l l o M e l i s s a." Oh, it's like a Magic 8 ball!!

MLeader: "Will I get a rose, Mr. Blimp?"
Blimp: "T o o e a r l y t o t e l l."
MLeader: "Will I get a kiss?"
Blimp: "S i g n s p o i n t t o y e s."
*smack slobber*

Big Daddy takes Mleader on a ride in the blimp. Ooo, she says she is so happy to "see LA in a way that no one has ever seen LA." Except for everyone else in a blimp/small air craft/helicopter tour.

Finally, it is the last date, for Natalie (booo), Erica, Friendly Skies, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon, and Molly. "Let's put the glam in Hollywood glamour." We silently add: "And see which of you ditches me for the camera." It is probably better that we don't write for ABC. But this is where we really REALLY don't like Natalie. We have determined that she is the new Danushka from Season Charlie. "Taking me to the store and telling me to go crazy is like taking me to the mothership," says Natalie. Maybe the mothership could tell her to wear a shirt, as her black bra is hanging out of her white top. We don't care if this is supposed to be high fashion. It looks like a Long Johns Silver patron in middle-america.

So Big Daddy is wearing a vest over a t-shirt (damn you, George Michael) as he leads the now-gussied-up women to a little boutique hotel to "talk." Erica is like True Life: I'm a Jersey Girl as she sizes up the competition. Every woman is a threat to Erica because her ex left her for a 52 year old woman. What?!? We wonder if this is "The Greek Tycon's Secret Love Child Part 2: In Which He Realizes He Really Ought to Be with Someone His Own Age." Anyway, Big Daddy decides to have a talent competition, which is really a good idea, frankly. According to Danutalie, "Jason does this 'thing' called 'break dancing.'" Obviously Danutalie never loved the movie "Breakin'" as passionately as this viewer. Blah blah various women do a synchronized swim until Molly, a total sleeper, steals Big Daddy away to show him her "talent:" kissing. We are taken aback, that is so forward. And also, we applaud Jason for not laughing.

But trouble is brewing at the pool. Nikki is all mad at Danutalie because Danutalie is commenting on the fact that Big Daddy is sucking face with Molly 10 feet away. "We made a pact not to talk about somebody's intimate private moment!" says Nikki. Ok, so apparently Nikki has been in only one relationship for 11 YEARS. She is 29 years old. See, eg. Greek Tycon, supra. Big Daddy pacifies Nikki later on by reassuring her that he knows she is ready to be a mother. This is getting creepier and creepier. . . especially when Friendly Skies grabs Big Daddy for a kiss later on, which he totally attempts to duck, and then crows about how her kiss was "longer" than Molly's after the fact.

Mercifully, this date ends shortly thereafter, with Molly getting the rose...except that Raquel, who did not go on any dates, sneaks into the car in which Big D is supposed to flee the house after dropping off the women. She reminds him that she's really in to him, and then confesses to ABC:

"I want somebody to love me, um, to death. Meaning, if I do die, he would be so in love with me that it would be very rare for him to remarry."

OMG. Raquel is off my list.

So here we are at the final rose ceremony, and Jersey Erica is all hustling the competition. She agrees with the other women that it's not cool for Molly to be stealing Big Daddy away from Megan's 1:1 time . . . and then flip flops and tells Molly she's "got her back" and that you "gotta do what you gotta do" later on. Megan calls her on it, and Erica goes all apeshit on the crowd about Megan: "Maybe we shoulda listened to ourselves. You haven't been real. You're just wastin' my time." blah blah this is a huge fight but we don't care so we aren't going to waste the e-ink.

Beyond the fight, HC gives another creepy "I know all about you Jason" speech, peppered with "you're so cute. Oh my gosh, like, you're so cute! Look at your cute little lips!" and how she could imagine them as a family, and "Ty could totally run out of the house with my little puppy, key lime!" when she gets home. Megan asks stephanie about her Tragically Killed Husband. Everyone cries. Lisa, whom we didn't know anything about, tells Big D that she has decided to leave the house because her grandmother is sick (props to Lisa, we heart you). Lauren says "as long as I get a rose, I don't really care" about other people's tragedies that take them away from the show. Big Daddy tells Nikki that she has "amazing.....qualities" as the camera pans her chest again. And finally, Big Daddy picks:

(to accompany Jillian, Mleader, and Molly):

1. Megan
2. Nikki (in a zebra print dress ha cha cha)
3. Lauren
4. Friendly Skies
5. Stephanie
6. Kari (oh dear we still don't remember her)
7. Danutalie (ew)
8. HC
9. Jersey Erica. Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Stay tuned for next week, when everybody papier maches their bits for charity. True story.

KLo