Big Daddy Part 4: In Which He Pitches a Tent

One thing is clear as we start Episode 4: Shannon/HC would like nothing more than to boil Big Daddy's bunny, become the single white female in his life, and tell him how well she can predict his every movement while possibly covering his mouth with some manner of moth. We cannot escape her teeth. Teeth and a worried/territorial expression. Particularly when we learn that in order to win the 1:1 date with Jason this week, the women have 30 minutes to write an original song for him. "I watched every single episode of the Bachelorette," says she. "I know he did a rap song for Deanna, so I'm going to do one too." Oh dear is she channeling Drew Barrymore a la the awkward poem moment in Never Been Kissed? "Does he know I like him? Does he know I care?"

How could HC be so foolish? She couldn't POSSIBLY win this challenge because Lauren "has a good ear for music. And also, I know about song structure. So my song is going to be more melodic. Like something professional, that you might hear on the radio." We saw Miss America, babies. We know of the slightly flat sounding mediocrity that is "I took six weeks of singing lessons as an alternative to gym class when I was 14 and now I think I'm Mariah Carey." We grit our teeth and take another sip of wine. We do not like Lauren. But speaking of beauty queens and wine, we suggest that Nikki also self-medicate. She is so tightly wound that she comes completely unhinged at the thought of singing. She's a crying, frozen mess. She's "way too much of a control freak to do this." She hates singing and would rather have a tarantula crawl up our arm. The Mus want to know if this is Fear Factor Bachelor: You can either sing or eat this bucket of worms.


Big Daddy comes in for the competition, and it is GAME ON. Stephanie is wearing her war paint. We love that girl, but damn. She needs to step away from the blush-matching-hot-pink-shirtstripes-matching-earrings situation. It's called an accent, Steph. Not a flare. Anyway, Sweet Mary and Joseph, we have never seen a more unskilled group of people since the swing dancing Amish. First we have Melody singing about Jason and her going together like . . . fast food. HC sings her rap song under the guise of her "street name:" Shanaynay. Melissa the cheerleader rhymes the word "blimp" and not with pimp or limp or anything else awesome. We think she says "sip" or something. Jillian is terrible but we love her and her cowboy boots. Stephanie warbles all over the living room. Friendly Skies sounds reasonably decent. And then there is Our Mother Megan: "There might be baby makin.' I'm sure I won't be fakin.'" Oh OMM, we are going to enroll you in some manner of Brett Michaels/Tila Tiquila Charm School that we are sure is around the corner. But all hail the chief, as Lauren is About to Sing Her Totally Original And Not Ripped Off From Any Major Pop Song At All Song:

"Lying here all alone;
Wonderin' if I should go home.
But when I see your face.
It all falls into place."

....and I see your true colors, shining through. True colors, and that's why I loooooove you. Of course, Nikki starts to CRY again as she frantically fans herself to "stop" from crying. And then she sings some song for her unborn child. You know, "I hope your dreams are full of fun," because I am too uptight to have any and so that's the only place you're gonna get it.

In the end, the rose goes to Molly for the 1:1 date. Lauren bares her teeth: "It was supposed to go to the best song. But I had the best song and I didn't get it." I want a golden goose and I want one now!!! Nikki has bigger concerns: "the 2:1 date would be DEATH."

Molly is all excited about her 1:1 date as we are frantically trying to remember who she is. Oh yes, the 24 year old "department store buyer" or something. We flash to her at work: "Dammit, Ricky, the roll back stickers go on the left." They get to stay home on this date, having a romantic picnic of burgers and fries while awkwardly reclining on the Suite of Sultan pillows that ABC arranged on Big Daddy's porch. We mentally review the "choking hazards" portion of our first aid training and really wish they would sit up to eat. She gives some some impassioned speech about how she's "done a lot in her life" (what, like graduate college?) but is now "ready for a serious, committed relationship." He is totally not listening, as he is "lost in her eyes" and swoops in for a kiss.

But the date doesn't end there, gentle readers. She dons his clothing and they turn campfire s'mores into flaming balls of marshmallow. He humbly asks her if she's up for dating a guy who was divorced and now has a child. She gives another impassioned speech about how seeing Big Daddy with Ty is like having a "crystal ball" to see how he is with children. She wants a husband just like him. (she is 24. TWENTY FOUR). And while we acknowledge that Molly is more articulate than the rest of the "girls," relatively speaking, we are unprepared for what happens next. "So. . . wanna camp out for the night." She's all "sure!" as they climb in the conveniently awaiting tent. Smack slobber gasp sigh 'oh-your-skin-is-so-smooth' pant smack slobber.

Poor HC, who has resolved to "stay up and wait for Molly" (read: measure how long Molly is out with Big D so HC can totally stress about it later as she calculates how bad she has to cut the b*tch to make sure it doesn't happen again). Of course, Molly comes home in his clothes at like, 8 am. Melissa the cheerleader is mad: "I don't like that she smells like him and is wearing his pants!!!" We don't really care as we are wondering where all the matching blue polka dot bathrobes suddenly came from.

Time for the group date!! Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Megan, Melissa and Friendly Skies get to "play doctor" omg omg omg on the set of General Hospital!!! Ok we are not actually that excited, but we ARE interested in HC's determination to kiss him because "last time he saw me, I was crying and vomiting." And also, why does Big Daddy's t-shirt say "save some?" Was this his message to Molly last night? Is ABC pinning a note to his shirt to remind him that he has to keep a couple of these women around or there won't be a show? HC is ready. Wielding a fake army knife, she tells we viewers: "I have SUCH a crush on Jason." She gets to demonstrate a stage kiss. ew.

So we have a whole bunch of little vignettes, all of which involve copious amounts of kissing because we all know that this is really about Jason auditioning the women to see who kisses like a fish. So Friendly Skies is a french maid and Lauren gets to slap people around (so fitting) and Jillian has this fabulous miss piggy wig that looks horrible on her but that she also wears all day long. We heart Jillian. And then. . . Our Mother Megan, in some gauzy thing, unhinges her jaw and swallows Big Daddy whole. He is completely terrified, but she gets all misty because "it's been a really long time" since she was "kissed." I mean, at least 14 months, as that is how old her INFANT SON IS.

Back at the ranch, Nikki is once again stressed out. She wants to "be a mom sooooooo bad. It's not fair. I should have married my ex boyfriend. I should have a kid by now." Nikki is coming unhinged. No more wire hangers!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!

But still on the date, Friendly Skies totally plays the Big Dumb Man card, as she sits poetically in the corner, looking sad, while all the other women talk to Big Daddy in a group at the post-General Hospital wrap party. Big Daddy yields to the yank on his tether and wanders over to her, "what's going on? let's go talk, lay it on me." Friendly Skies tearfully tells him in her whispery baby voice that tonight is rough for her, that she sees a connection between him and other people, and it's hard. He reassures her and then my god, we are suddenly on the Trail of Tears. Melissa the cheerleader is crying to him. . .followed by making out. Our Mother Megan is crying to him (after telling the viewers to "man up.") She wants to tell him how "perfect" they would be, but that would be "straight crazy," ya'll. Speaking of...HC cries all over Big Daddy too. "You can't let me go. I have so much to offer you. Ja. Son. I'm not letting you let me go. I am putting my heart on my shoulder (wtf?). I want to be a mother. I want you to come home with me." And then she eats a napkin. After picking her nose with it. She tries to kiss Big Daddy, but he is more interested in picking the napkin off her tongue. ew.

We are most interested in Lauren, who has morphed into her dominatrix alter-ego: The Teacher. "Some people LIKE to be dominated," she says. "I need a little bit more from you, Jason. You didn't do what I said before, did you? You didn't give me the rose on the last group date, did you? If anyone else gets it on this date, I will be pissed." The Teacher likes order in her classroom, Big Daddy. The Teacher is not happy. The Teacher will Make You Pay.

This date ends with everyone drinking Boone's Farm (nothing in nature is that color) and Friendly Skies getting the rose. Lauren is mad.

And at last, we have the final 2:1 date, for Stephanie and Nikki. "Let's dance the night away," says the card. Stephanie, a former dance teacher, is all excited. Nikki is, of course, worried. You know, because "Stephanie had her chance. She had her man. She got a child with him. And then he tragically died. I want my turn now." WHAT?!? But oooo, at least they get to wear pretty gowns . . . which Molly has ruined by sharing the same shot, in her 1) black headband, 2) white oversized t-shirt, 3) black belt over said t-shirt, 4) black over-sized wrestling capris, and 5) black ballet shoes. We are dizzy. And terrified of Nikki.

So..."Deborah" the dance teacher gets to teach Steph, Nikki, and Big Daddy how to waltz. Nikki is panicked/worried/starts to cry again. "I'm not the best dancer. Maybe if I had choreography. Or weeks or months to prepare." Girl, you were Miss Illinois. You say you have no talent. You can't dance. You can't sing. WTF did you do up there? Organize a closet? Anyway, the women are cutting in on each other dancing left and right, but Stephanie gracefully bows out as Nikki asks for the last dance with Big D. Nikki only gets more brittle and chipper over dinner:

Big D: How difficult would it be to move to seattle?

Nikki: It'snotdifficultatall. TheonlypersonIhavetocareforisme. Ihavenochildren. Ihavenodog. Iwasinarelationshipfor11years. ItendedayearagosoIam TOTALLYoveritandreadytomoveon.

Big Daddy: Stop the press.

So he has this crazy 1:1 time with Nikki, which is necessarily limited by the ginormous chandaliers hanging from her ears, as she can only wear them for a few minutes at a time before her lobes are sliced open and we have a Medical Event. Gentle readers, she was "with the same person from 17 to 28." He woke up one morning and said he loved her but didn't want to marry her. She's only dated a few people since. But she's fine. She's really FINE people and GOD if SHE COuld JUst get Married it would ALL BE FINE.

Damn.

Stephanie is much more graceful with her 1:1, thanking Big D for this opportunity, for a door opening for her to walk through. Of course she gets the rose. Nikki goes home stunned. "I never saw this coming. This is such a shock. I don't know how much smarter I could have been. Or how much prettier." Honey, this is not a pageant. How about how much more RELAXED? We sort of feel bad for her.

And the rose ceremony is upon us. HC has chosen to wear various hanging baskets of tomatos, all tied together with macrame. Molly is wearing a side ponytail. As is Our Mother Megan, who is worried because she feels like she is "not competent right now because I didn't have a 1:1 date." Yes, we rewound it 3 times and that is in fact what she said. We are not clear on how an incompetent person gets to waltz with Big D. We would think he would be much more interested in Stephanie, who both 1) learned how to waltz and 2) forgot her top. AGAIN. And while we are a little scared of Jillian's dress (backless, strapless, tied somehow together), we love her for telling Big Daddy, when he asks if she is cold: "I'm from Canada. We're used to extreme weather. I'm never hot or cold." Go Jillian!!!

The Teacher, in the ugliest purple bejeweled flapper-meets-pillow-cover dress ever, tells Big Daddy that she will "give him a real slap if he doesn't follow orders" and give her a rose. Of course she will. "I want the other girls to go home because we're getting married!!!" she says.

We no longer know who is more unstable, as he picks (to accompany Friendly Skies, Stephanie, and Molly):

1. Melissa the Cheerleader.
2. Jillian.

This is a crisis! "I'm sorry, I can't do this," sayeth Big Daddy as The Teacher, HC, and Our Mother Megan stand there in shock. He has refused to hand out the last rose! Oooopa!!! As she says goodbye, HC whispers "your life is out there," to Big Daddy and tells us all how excited she is to use her electric toothbrush and french kiss her dog. Yes, french kiss. Her dog.

Stay tuned for next week, when Big Daddy takes the remaining 5 women to Seattle and it is the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever.

KLo.