Big Daddy Part 3: She's So Vain, She Probably Thinks this Blog Is About Her

Shoo bee doo zha zha zha episode three begins with department store jazz and a glistening rose in the morning light as Chris Harrison wakes the women up with the big announcement that, like last week, there will be one group date and two individual dates . . . but not everyone will get a date! Except we don't care because DAMN, Friendly Skies is wearing some sort of knit hat over one eye and it is ug.ly.

But the first date is for Stephanie!!! Ok, so while we are still having issues with the botox and the receding eyebrows, we hope she makes it to the Bitter End because she is Fabulous and deserves someone great. Even if her scarf is like "Mrs. Snuffleupagus got a Hot Pink Weave."

It is, naturally, a date on the eve of 4 year old Sophia's birthday. And while Stephanie has never been away from her for this long, she is hoping that it pays out in the end for both of them. Looking bad for her prospects, Jason says, "no matter what happens, Stephanie will always have this date." Because we all want a Bachelor who is modest.

But one cartwheel on the sand later, Sophia comes running out of the rocks and smashes into Stephanie. Both bite the dust, with Sophia's hat falling off and neck snapping back. We worry that this date was ABC's idea more than Big Daddy's. We also hurt for baby Sophia and thank god that children are resilient. And then we realize that we don't have the energy for said children as we see Big Daddy, Stephanie, and Sophia running. . . and running. . . and running through the sand. And through the park. And to the car. And on and on and good lord we are tired just watching. We resolve to say to our imaginary children: "no you go ahead, we'll catch up." But wait, even though Sophia is now in a princess outfit for her birthday, we are totally jealous because they take her to LegoLand!!!! Talk about the best date ever!

We have to hand it to Stephanie, as Sophia seems to be a totally well-behaved kid despite the scotty-dog outfits and the princess dresses. Big Daddy notices Sophia's zest for life, and concludes that she would get alone with Ty well. Sayeth Kmu, "Stay tuned for next week, on 'The Little Bachelor....'"

Somewhere around the 100th Jerry McGuire swing-the-kid thing, Stephanie gets the Lego Rose. Oh, what memories of Richard the Science Teacher and his origami rose (R.I.P., Richard) from Season Double D. We like Stephanie. "Where one family is broken, one family can be made" says she. Oh!

Meanwhile back at Chez LadyBits, the next date card arrives for Shannon/HC, Friendly Skies, Melissa the cheerleader, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Jersey Erica, and Megan. "Let's get busted for a good cause." oh dear. Big Daddy is all pumped to spend the day with "eight beautiful women for something different" after his "family-oriented date" with Stephanie. We get sort of huffy on Stephanie's behalf . . . until sweet jesus: everyone apparently got the memo to air their bits to the wind. Melissa's ovaries are jubilant ("Free at last!! Free at last!! Go towards the light!!!") as she minces out in quite possibly the shortest dress ever. It is purple. It is silkity. It is cinched at the waist . . oh wait, I mean hooha. Megan decided to wrap hers up in Victoria's Secret gift tissue and put a giant bow on it. Kari, whom we still can't remember, has gone amock with a bedazzler. We feel a bit dirty and like we've just witnessed the Next Big Craze: Grillz for Your Hillz.

Anyway, "surprise," they will be making papier mache busts for a Save The TaTas campaign. Blah blah the women are all giddy about rubbing baby oil all over Jason for his bust. Shannon/HC "likes to stare at him." " Yeah," says Kmu, "with binoculars from behind a bush." Of course, the undressing of the women happens behind some sort of transparent backlit screen. Can Big Daddy come back there? Sure! Everything is covered and Melissa is "having a good boob day." What? But Jillian is content in her own skin. And Our Mother Megan of I'llCutHer says she would "stand in the middle of the street naked and be casted if it would help someone else." We wonder if Big Daddy gets to take the busts into the Deliberation Room with him for the rose ceremony.

And then come the decorations. Kari, whom we STILL don't remember, wants to bedazzle hers in rhinestones (how fitting). But Our Mother Megan. Oh oh oh Megan. "I kinda wanta put a fetus on the breast because fetuses feed off the breast, right?" We pity the poor Save the TaTas supervisor. "Can you breast feed after a mastectomy?," Megan asks. "Um, no." says this supervisor as she slowly back away. We now know how Megan got pregnant: She failed 8th grade health. But OMM is on a role: "I don't think people understand my depth or where it comes from. Yes I am an artistic person, but really I just have depth. If everyone's gonna have breast cancer and our children can't be breastfed, then our future is screwed." Is she drunk?

So we suffer through a montage of 1:1 time with various women, who are now back in their bits-baring dresses. Melissa precariously perches with her legs over his legs and reveals that she had a breast reduction at age 17 because she was a 20FF (good god). Shannon is all stressed because the other women are better "conversationists," so she settles for a creepy "hiiiii" and big clingy hug with Big D in the middle of the crowd. But Our Mother Megan is now unstoppable:

Big Daddy: "What were you thinking of when you were decorating your bust?"
OMM: "I was thinking of other people. I live my life to serve other people. I am a role model to other girls. I don't mind doing it. I love it. It's the most rewarding thing. But going a week or 10 days where I've not helped people, and without anyone thanking me or appreciating me or praising god that I'm in their lives is driving me crazy."

Let's just let that one sink in.

Anyway, so 1:1 time with Nikki is terrifying. Only confirming that he has kept her around for her "assets," -- which have now been memorialized in plaster so he can send her home already -- she completely runs out of things to talk to Big D about because she's so concerned about being "perfect." Jillian's time is much more normal, as they talk about their thoughts on marriage. Somewhere in here, Friendly Skies complains about her bust because "my boobs are a little lopsided and my waist is a little thick." And the final rose goes to....Jillian!!! Yay!!! Nikki is all upset: "I know I'm pretty. I know I'm smart. But pretty and smart is not enough. You have to be funny AND natural. I've never cried so much in all my life." We have a pot/kettle moment with Nikki and her high-stress, over-scheduled ways, even if she does say really stupid things.

But get ready to rumble, babies, because Danutalie got the last date!! "Wear your best dress and I'll do the rest." Oh NO. When Big D arrives to pick Danutalie up, she is STILL getting ready. She can't decide on shoes to match her little strapless number. She has to spray some weird stuff on her legs. She is still packing. But who cares!! A scary looking man walks in with a suitcase chained to his wrist and surprise! It's $1 M in jewels for her to wear!! Big Daddy is all excited that Danutalie is rocking the jewelry, but is she ready for more of a life commitment or is she still into being single and fun in Chicago? Only time will tell, babies.

Off they go in a huge SUV to . . . to catch a private Jet . . . to get in a helicopter ride of Las Vegas. "What is the carbon footprint of this date?" wonders PMu. Danutalie is playing with her hair a LOT. Big D has "already fulfilled her first fantasy date: letting me go shopping and try on whatever I wanted." But now: "Ooo, look at the reflection of the diamonds in the window of the helicopter!" Danutalie decides they should elope in Vegas. Shoot me now.

Except Jason is not giving up. Oh, he's all jazzed to be going into the restaurant with her and knowing that she's the girl every guy wishes he had on his arm. Oh, he's so attracted to her, but he keeps "hoping there is more." Guess what, babe, there ain't:
Big D: "Tell me about yourself."
Danutalie: "Oh, I'm just a sporty, flash girl who likes new clothes."
Big D: "But what else?"
Danutalie: "well, I am really into bears. I once had a bear named Fuzzy when I was a kid and my whole family was depressed when I lost it at the store because I was so depressed. It even made the news and stuff [read: I threw such a tantrum that it made the news]. "
. . . And then later: "The most surreal moment of this date for me was seeing all the things created by nature."

Ok, we will not judge a girl who has stuffed animals because we still hold the hand of our Ewok to go to sleep when we are upset. Except daaaaaamn, Danutalie, at least throw in something about "the Iraq." We suffer through a private performance by some person named Kate Vogel who we secretly wish was Amy Winehouse because wouldn't THAT just add flavor as Danutalie and Big Daddy dance (having given up talking) and Danutalie strokes his head with the palm (not fingers) of her hand. Creepy. And then... he dumps her!!! "I really wish I could give you this rose, but I just don't think we have enough commonalities/you are ready/etc etc etc."

Danutalie goes APE. "I'm sick of being stereotyped because of my appearance."
Big D: "You're appearance is what makes it impossible not to be attracted to you."
Danutalie: "I know that too."

But she is just warming up--she has "explored herself," gentle readers, and is ready to "settle down and have children." She doesn't understand what possible commonalities she and Big D could not share. She is furious that she has to take off the jewels (news flash: they weren't yours to begin with, Danutalie). I mean, frankly, Danutalie: "doesn't mean to sound conceited, but I has a lot going on. I'm super-attractive. If you didn't feel a connection with me, like, who do you think you are, God?" And/or any sane man that any of the rest of us would want to date.

Thank god that Danutalie is gone, even if we must suffer through the women squeeling as her bags leave the house.

At last, it is Le Rose Ceremony. We are all annoyed at Big Daddy because Danutalie trashed the other women on her Return to the Gates of Hell, and now Big D is all freaked that there are mean people in the house. So what does he do? He asks the other women who is "good" and "bad." Dear boy readers: Don't (a) take anything that a woman like Danutalie says with a grain of salt when you just dumped her boney ass, and (b) don't ask the other women competing for your heart for advice on "who is there for the right reasons." I mean, just don't. But we are pleasantly surprised by Friendly Skies, who sidesteps the question by saying Danutalie was just angry and can't they talk about their own relationship instead of the other women? Molly, wearing dream catchers for earrings, reveals after HER conversation with Big Daddy that Danutalie "did a lot of name dropping," which instantly makes Our Mother Megan think it's her. But then there's Lauren. We decide we don't like Lauren at all because she says really mean things with a brittle smile pasted on her teeth. And also, she is wearing every candle accent stone in Pier One as a necklace. Lauren confirms that the drama-makers are Our Mother Megan and Jersey Erica, which of course OMM gets upset about because she snuck into the bushes to overhear. OOOO.

Blah blah Nikki has half her bosoms hanging out and says again that she is super-organized with back up plans to back up plans to back up plans . . . which scares the crap out of Big Daddy, though we know he'll keep her on because he thinks she's pretty. Blah blah Shannon/HC tells Big Daddy through her tears that "last season, when I saw you with Deanna, I just wanted to jump through the television and, like, BE with you." Somehow Big Daddy thinks this is sweet rather than a Red Flag, and we again understand how he ended up on this show. Blah Blah Stephanie thanks him for the wonderful date. We decide that we are on Team Stephanie/Jillian. May the best one of these two win!!! But WTF, is Melissa wearing formal shorts??? We don't like her anymore. You are one satiny coulot over the line, sister.

Still in the deliberation room, Big Daddy is in crisis about women being there for "the wrong reasons." When he emerges, Chris Harrison gives the "ladies" an opportunity to vent their spleens about this issue, which is just too boring and painful to recap EXCEPT that Shannon/HC gets very upset by all of these meanness and vomits all over (hmm, sounds like this viewer's work Christmas party, because there really isn't a better time to get the flu other than in front of one's coworkers at a fancy event). Which we have to hear (but not see). On stereo.

And he picks to join Jillian and Stephanie:
1. Molly
2. Lauren (noooooooo)
3. Melissa of the formal shorts
4. Friendly Skies
5. Shannon/HC who KISSES Big D (ew ew ew ew )
6. Nikki
7. Our Mother Megan of I'llCutHer, who is all "Stop it right now!" Yes, please do, Big D.

Jersey Erica and Kari get the axe! We understand Kari, who takes it like a champ because she really didn't put herself out there and so is not surprised. But of course, Jersey Erica blames it all on OMM.

Stay tuned for next week, when we are pretty sure Stephanie blows her chances by singing and Big Daddy takes the women to the set of General Hospital, where he "can't wait to play doctor." Ew.

K