Big Daddy Part 5: Hello Kitty

This viewer once contemplated buying a 12x12 houseboat for $200 on an offshoot of the St. Joseph River (how did I know it cost that much? Because it was spraypainted on the side.), where we could live out our days like a water hermit. So we were super pumped when Chris Harrison announced to the women one chilly morning on Episode 5 that woo hoo we were going to Seattle and oo o o oo Big Daddy lives in a houseboat!! Except was it really necessary for Melissa the Cheerleader to T.P her neck? Seattle may be the land of grunge and granola, but a ginormous white scarf isn't going to make your teensy tank top more "earthy," Melissa.

As Big Daddy shows the women the suite in which they we will be staying in Seattle, we whisper "hurry hurry!" Friendly Skies, in some horrible fedora, has only got 4 minutes to save the world!!! How fortunate that her parachute is readibly available, having been wrapped around her neck a la Melissa. I mean seriously. We are fans of the knittery, but there is a limit.

Anyway, Melissa the cheerleader gets the first 1:1 date. Oooo, Friendly Skies is going to cut her like my neighbor Dennis, as she has never had more than a group date. "Let's hit the town in style," says the date card, somehow justifying a dress held together by a weird metal snake on Melissa's bosoms. While we like the idea of this dress, from the wrong angle Melissa's "girls" look like two mini-pancakes on a plate. And also, a METAL SNAKE?!? This is like some weird clothing manifestation of a dieter's nightmare: Thou shalt see the pancakes but go no further.

Oh no, Ty doesn't want his daddy to leave for the date with Melissa, so Big Daddy invites Melissa home for a quiet date on le houseboat. "Can I wear my stretchy pants?" she says. Except we all know that she is going to wear her snake charmer dress to his house because she wants him to see her in it. So we are unsurprised when she hobbles down his stairs in her silver high heels and then secretly happy that she has to clean up pizza and drink wine on the sofa by herself as Big Daddy puts Ty to bed.

After achieving a "wow, you look amazing" from the Big D, Melissa changes into her "stretchy pants." Gentle readers, this viewer has also changed into pants of a similar description. And while we are comfortable fannying around in our capris yoga pants with today's work top and hosiery sticking out on either end, Melissa the cheerleader has changed into Dallas Cowboys Shos. We understand that Melissa "loves the little things," but damn. We are pretty sure we see ladybits and half a biscuit as she folds her legs over Big D on the sofa. And also, she has a tramp stamp. Is it a star? Tony Romo's face? Blah blah she and Jason eat ice cream and talk about children, reminding us forcibly of our favorite radio advertisement in college: "He bought me ice cre-eam! We laughed, we talked. It was the best date I ever had!"

Back at the suite, Molly is like, super-jealous because Melissa's "real date is realer than my real date." While she gains points for her Hoosier's sweatshirt, we have to take them all back for that comment. And also, Mol is looking a little rought. Stephanie - of course - is wearing a Renoir and crazy makeup. Jillian looks blessedly normal, but Friendly Skies thinks that she is a welding stripper with dreams of a legit dance career but who, in the meantime, spends her days cutting the necks out of all of her sweatshirts so that she can be sexy yet warm.

Oh! Here comes the group date card, for Stephanie, Jillian, and Molly. They are going on some sort of "the date planner at ABC went on vacation so her underassistant just went through the 'Best of Seattle' brochure" date including a boat tour, radio station, and random hotel foyer for dinner. The romance!....except OMG, Stephanie is wearing a kitty. We do not like this fur sleeveless hoodie, even if it does look soft and touchable and very very white. We also do not understand the blush and glitter combination, either. Of course, Big Daddy is all stroking the kitty while Stephanie "drives" the boat and they talk about their children. We don't see much else of the boat ride, other than our beloved Jillian wearing that damn oversized neck scarf all of the women seem to love. Boooo, Jillian.

And now to "random segment 2" of the group date: some radio show while Jason gets to go on the air while the women sit around and wait for him in a soundproof booth. Sounds like "fun." But Steph is all sunshine: "I loved watchin' him talk. He's so confident. He is one good lookin' man." She could watch him talk or not talk all day. They have lots of things in common. Talking or not talking. Soup.

Anyway, we officially do not like the male part of this radio hosting duo. "You have to kiss the tire before you buy the car, eh?" says he as they talk about kissing all of the women. Boo hiss. Big Daddy says that Molly is the best kisser, which makes sense, since she got to practice ALL NIGHT IN THE TENT. Then comes a "kiss test" with the three women on the group date. Big Daddy is blindfolded with a fuscia boa (KMu wants to know if that was borrowed from Stephanie) and then Molly "grabs his face because I always grab his face when we kiss." And Stephanie "thought he would recognzie tenderness and softness and that is what he would remember in me" with her kiss. Southern, much? Jillian just jokes about touching his tonsils. We heart Jillian. Of course it is not difficult for Big D to figure out who is who. But our favorite part is Friendly Skies and Melissa listening at home. Having just sucked face with Big D, Melissa is all, "maybe he forgot about me...."

Oh, but this radio interview never ends. Blah blah the women love his eyes and smile. In le bedroom, Molly is a "lingerie kind a girl. Even though it's a little pointless and comes off right away." Jillian likes to be "fun...and then intimate." Stephanie wants to "make a man feel taken care of, even if she has to kiss every inch of him" after making a pot roast, ironing his shirts, mixing his martini, and bringing his slippers. We love Stephanie, but the 50s wife bit are scaring us a little.

Finally, we have random segment #3: The Weird Dinner Inerspersed With Lots of 1:1 Time. So for dinner, the "group" shares a bunch of crazy dishes on a sofa in the middle of a hotel while Big Daddy rotates the women out for 1:1 time. We are huge fans of Jillian, who says she came looking for an adventure but that it has turned serious, and she is not looking for perfection but a person she can spend her life with. We realize that this is said every season by somebody, but we somehow believe it coming from her. Then comes a walk around Seattle wtih Molly, who we do not like because she has stolen Michael Jackson's military jacket and paired it with a tank-top fringed with a cloth lei. And also, she sells herself too much. We suppose Steph did not have more 1:1 time because he already got to pet the kitty.

The last date is with Friendly Skies. Big Daddy needs to know if she is "ready for his life." Sister Mary, we hope not. We simply do not understand why she would wear a ponytail if she forgot the front half of her hair. We do not like fashionable ponys, with their puffityness and weird stylings. And also, we do not like it when people are tanner than their frosty lipstick. But Big Daddy is undeterred, taking Friendly Skies on a water plane to go rock climbing at REI to share an "extreme kiss" at the top of some 60 foot wall. Blech. "Like, omg, Seattle is so great. Like, with its trees. It is so pretty." Double Blech. KMu opines that a date with baby Sophia would achieve similar depth.

Anyway, this date ends with fondu on the floor. Gentle readers, you know a girl is young and sprightly and did not play any high school sports or otherwise grind her body down to dust if she can eat fondu on the floor and then GET UP AFTERWARDS. We realize that this date would end with us crawling towards the door, only to end in an outstanding impression of the feet-to-knees-to-stooping-to-standing "early man" display at the museum while saying "no we're fine, really." But back to Friendly Skies, who reveals that she felt abandoned when her mother, who married at 19, fell out of love with her dad and left the family. "Today," says she, "I climbed a wall and walls are coming down." Noooooooo.

Back at the ranch, Jillian and Melissa take a bubble bath in their swimsuits as all four women discuss their concerns. Will he think Molly is too young (yes. YES.). Will Stephanie be too settled? Will Jillian....make a beard out of the bubbles? We love Jillian. All of us. And then...crisis. Big Daddy needs more time with our girl to figure out if she's in it for the right reasons. "If anyone here could break my heart, it would be Jillian." No!! He surprises the women and steals Jillian away for yet more 1:1 at a pastry shop. She again bares her soul (what more do you want, Big D? Jeez) and we decide that they would be a good match because she talks about needing to stay strong for the other women and he talks about taking care of herself. See, they can just boss each other around as to who is nurturing whom.

And then the rose ceremony is upon us. Big Daddy goes through all the women for Chris Harrison: oh, Melissa is a homebody like me. Stephanie fits in 'lots of different ways.' Jillian is "here for adventure" (nooo!!!). And Friendly Skies "does not have a perfect past, but who does?" Yeah Big D, we all know your wife is playing for a different team now. And then: Oh. My. God. Friendly Skies thinks she's a lava lamp. She is all blue and tied up at the neck and billowy down to a hipster tube thingy. We HATE this top. And also, why is Molly wearing a prom dress from 1986 in the color of yellow phoey? And why is Melissa the chearleader wearing a prom dress from 1995? And why WHY has Stephanie forgot her top AGAIN but remembered to drape her bottom in a huge pinstripe ruffle?!?

Oh no! Emergency 1:1 time is required with Friendly Skies. He sits on her about whether she's reeeeeaaaaally ready, but she baby whispers that she "wants that life. She is 'over' the single life (at 25!!!)." And all we can think is don't fall for it and how could she possibly have gotten any tanner and we hate that top. But he picks:

1. Jillian (whoot!)
2. Melissa the cheerleader
3. Molly, and
4. omg omg omg omg omg omg FRIENDLY SKIES. nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

R.I.P. Stephanie. And we witness the most graceful, classy bachelorette departure in history. Big Daddy says in front of all the women: "you are the most caring person I have ever met, and we all better people because of having you here. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I am so glad to have met you." She says she was glad to be a part and that if her story could reach someone, she was glad it did. He's an incredible man and she wishes him the best.

All of the women are crying.

WE are crying in our stretchy pants.

And then as he says goodbye, she says she could see in his eyes that he wasn't feeling taken with her, and that it's ok. If it's meant to be, it will be, and that she's developed happiness with her little girl and just wants to find someone to share that with. At some point she will go to heaven and see her Steven again. Ohhh!!!!

Stay tuned for next week, when Big Daddy goes home to meet the families, Jillian's grandmother wants to marry her to a Ukranian, and Friendly Skies' mother welcomes Big D with a dead dove in a bag.

-Peace, babies.