Big Daddy Part AFTER After the Finale Rose Part Sequel Part The Last Part For Real (We Really Mean It This Time).

Oh thank God no more Big Daddy Ever. Thanks to the powers of Tivo (which we totally don't know how to operate but that's why we have techno-saavy friends like the Mus), we are now simultaneously watching The Bachelor Part Put a Bullet In It Already and the Ohio Star Ballroom Competition. Yes babies, the only thing keeping our ears from totally bleeding everytime Jason says he "followed his heart" is an ambituous duo of American Smooth dancers dressed as Princess Leah and Han Solo.

Anyway, here we are in front of the Live Studio Audience, which basically looks like the same brunette woman at various stages of her life, peppered with the occassional male. Blah Blah the season finale happened three months ago. Let's get our Haiku on, recap style:
Walking Plank. Mommy?
Purple Broach Barney Yuck.
Ditched for cheerleader.

Aaaaaaaand then we have the After the Final Rose drama, which was filmed six weeks ago:
"Follow Heart" Ratfink.
Babysitter to girl next door.
Jason: "You Bastard."

Finally, we see a handful of the ditched contestants: Friendly Skies, Kari, Nikki, Jersey Erica, and Stephanie. Nikki, bosoms fully tucked in for the first time ever, says the whole break up with Melissa was heartbreaking to watch. Stephanie, wearing every single costume ring in her arsenal, waxes melancholic about how it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Friendly Skies is all, "I'm not gonna lie. I wanted to reach through the television and punch him" when he dumped Melissa. Which would totally be awesome if only she borrowed some of Stephanie's rings. Jersey Erica is all line-in-the-sand drawing like all thirteen year old girls we once were, but then holy hell: Kari speaks. We don't really know what she is saying, as we keep looking at her Crazy Pink Eyeshadow. Hello Typhoid Mary in that movie with the monkey and the food preparation.

So we field a couple audience questions. Brunette-in-a-blonde-phase-of-her-life drunkenly sways from sitting to standing and comments at length about her marriage of 21 years and how following your heart (everybody take a drink) is the only way to make it work. Brunette-who-shaved-off-her-eyebrows-because-she-though-that-was-a-requirement-for-this-show comments on how she think it will last. Brunette-hooked-on-self-tanner is critical of any man who can go from crying on a balcony to proposing three minutes later. ABe talks over Brunette-wearing-a-mumu-top: "There are no black people here. Oh wait, there's one hiding behind Chris Harrison." As the token-male-audience-member comments about never proposing in that situation, KMu concludes that Big Daddy is now going to dump Molly for a brunette audience member. Says PMu: "Maybe he will pick RuPaul," thereby finally proving that both a black person and post-op tranny can make it past round 3.

Out Jason comes to take the "hot seat," where he perches and protects his bits with his hand (fo shizzle. watch the tape). He just had to "follow his heart," babies (everybody take a drink). Nobody wants to do what he did in breaking up with Melissa, but he was "in love with somebody else." He understands that people might be mad at him, but hey -- that was "just me." He "really believed" he was in love with Melissa "at the time." Chris Harrison asks if he can tell all this to Ty and be proud. Oh yes: He "followed my heart (drink!!) and my head and did it with integrity." Since then, the last six weeks have just been getting "better and better" with Molly.

100 years ago, this viewer learned a valuable lesson. And that lesson was that anyone can appear normal for six weeks' worth of dates, even the boy who turns out to be a member of the John Birch Society, thinks the U.N. is taking over the world, and wears midriff bearing mesh shirts. And that, babies, is why we scoff at Jason's six weeks.

"I think I know why Jason's ex became a lesbian," says KMu.

Out comes Molly, who will not age well. The dress is okay but we are still waiting for someone, somewhere, to convince us that the teased pouf is really an appropriate way to make a barrett look fancity. Oh, after the Big Dump in New Zealand, she had a miserable week, but since Big Daddy has asked her back, they have had a "lot of serious conversations" in which she has "grilled him" (says ABe: And "opened herself up to him."). Blah Blah the Molting Swan Couple on the American Ballroom Dance Challenge is more lovely and interesting.

Blah blah Jason and Molly are now sitting together, and BOTH are cupping his bits. Molly says it's all going "really well" and Big D says they "have passion, are best friends, partners in crime," etc etc. Molly totally gives him credit for what he did, because it is totally creditable to burn down a house with three people in it and then rescue two. They "followed their hearts" says Jason (everybody take a drink). And then we all know that we are in an economic downturn because ABC gives them a tent instead of tickets to some exotic trip. We hope ABC did the right thing and gave those tickets to Melissa, who deserves to be liquored up on a beach right about now.

At last, we have The Big Reveal: Who Will be the Next Bachelorette?!?!?! Survey says . . . . Jillian!!! Yay, we are super-pumped even if she is a breathless and fast talker because we heart her. Says Jillian, "This is a magical and great opportunity." KMu opines, "if by magical, you mean big huge embarrassing failure . . . " but we hope that Jillian can Rise Above It All. Oh oh oh, we will find out when we all tune it on May 18ish, which we thought is when Chris Harrison said we are Back On The Air.

It's been a ride, babies. See you in a few months.
KLo