Big Daddy Part 8: Due Diligence

Well, we are back from Dubai and India, babies, and we have to say that 1) the whacked out group of missionaries discussing god's blessings at the top of their lungs, 2) the old lady singing along to her ipod, and ; 3) the man pulling out his own hair and eating it for 8 hours of a flight were all more interesting as travel companions than was The Women Tell All at the end of our journey. But lo, red wine and sushi were a great comfort during this Trying Time of Jet Lag, so we really can't complain. And also, we got to ride an elephant.

So The Women Tell All begins with a summary of the two ladies left. Molly is all proud to be the "first girl to have a walk of shame on the Bachelor." Um, we are pretty sure that is not true but hey - congrats Molly you are the first girl to talk about it, and also how you "opened yourself" to Big Daddy. Now we KNOW you aren't the first candidate to do that. As for Melissa, she is still wearing her dreamcatcher earrings. What WE find most interesting is the chia pet with a lolita rose in her puffity hair sitting behind Chris Harrison as he talks. Somebody got a big pile of hair clippings for Xmas and decided to wear it as a hat to TWTA without taking the bow off first. We cannot look away.

But before any of the women actually get to "tell all," we have to sit down with Big Daddy. Big D apparently "never saw" the controversy with Our Mother Megan. But this does not prevent ABC from forcing us to watch her eat his tonsils again during the General Hospital date. Then we recap the Trail of Tears. Followed by HC picking her nose and then wanting a kiss. Oh and let's not forget his date with Stephanie on her daughter's birthday, during which "all the clouds aligned" according to Big D. Yes, to cloud the stars, sayeth KMu. Here is our thing: We love Stephanie, but Chris Harrison says that watching Big Daddy on the Bachelorette the first go-around helped her cope with the loss of her husband. Oh Oh Oh Stephanie, aim higher than that. ABe, KMu and I decide to start a drinking game next season for every "touched my life," "amazing journey," "intimate moment" and "most dramatic rose ceremony." And then: the kiss of death. Big Daddy just says that Jillian would be "the ultimate friend" and that they did not have enough "heat" to sustain a marriage while simultaneously crowing about how we viewers "saw what we saw" on their last date in the hot tub. Meanwhile, his camping trip with Molly was "completely innocent" and allegedly involved "first base only." Fucktard. We know she caught your fly ball.

So.....off we go to "never before seen footage." We see Big Daddy's horse try to buck him off the back (good move), Molly wear his pants because she lost a golf course bet, a creepy nonsense improve at the General Hospital set in which "somebody has to die and somebody has to be kissed," and Jason's rap for Molly "Dr. Seuss style:"
You know Moll, with you I have a ball;
Your eyes are amazing; when we talk it's like star-gazing [Him: "That's a rhyme, right?"]
Tonight we eat our own fast food;
I hope it works with the mood;
Sayeth PMu: In the nude.

And THEN still because the women cannot tell all, we have to see Successful Couples Through the Ages. So first we have Trista and Ryan, the "one" (and only) couple to make it work. Oh, here they are all cute with baby Max. And surprise, she is pregnant again with a little girl. Then here come Charlie and Sarah B. Sarah, gentle readers, dumped his ass after two years of dating because "um, he was drinking a lot." We are sure being liquored up for two months on the Bachelor totally helped with that. But apparently he then quit drinking cold turkey, and so they got back together a year ago when she saw him at a Holloween party dressed as Garfield. Maybe sometime they might sort of discuss getting married in the future when pressed. Noticeably absent are Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots. Her probation for two instances of assault on Lord B after getting drunk at a seedy bar probably don't allow her to leave Texas, so this is understandable.

And now, what happens when the cast off candidates get together? Apparently a lot of hook-ups. Paul the Canadian and somebody named Amy are now dating. Holly from season Rocky and Pinkie le Chef from Season Double D dated, but now she is dating Jesse-who-was-dumped-by-Double D. Chelsea from season Rocky allegedly posed for playboy. Fred Da Bears and Noelle from season Rocky (wft is up with season Rocky?) are completely in love with each other. Yay because they are nice. But oh oh oh, here is our beloved, Richard the Science Teacher (R.I.P.) from season Double D. We, um, don't hear what he has to say because of the rushing in our ears. Le Sigh.

Finally, the Women Tell All. Raquel "he shall love me until I am dead" is wearing some sort of shirt with angel wings for sleeves. Always be prepared, eagle scout. So Stephanie has got about 800 rings on. Lauren/The Teacher's girls are halfway out of her top. Shannon/HC is wearing the Worst Weave Ever. And really, these are the most interesting bits of the remaining hour. Jersey Erica says she "hurt herself" trying to be funny with the other women and then gets in various yelling matches with Our Mother Megan, who is shown calling the rest of the ladies "ingrates" but tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't like confrontations. Danutalie is obsessed with clothes and shoes. Oh, and Jersey Erica and The Teacher go all Marshana on each other, which we sort of tune out.

Here comes Danutalie, who apparently cannot move her head independently from her neck. Danutalie, gentle readers, has never been on a date in which the man hasn't fallen "madly in love" with her. I mean, this whole Bachelor show was really hard for her. She is really the victim here. Danutalie was "taken out of her life" and put in a "foreign environment" where she didn't even have her blackberry. And she runs 4 or 5 miles every day, but didn't have her ipod to keep her company either. And then they were in this horrible mansion, and couldn't leave, and so really we should all be sympathetic because her life was Really Hard. She's "never actually been stereotyped before in her real life; only on this show" as a shallow person. And also, she totally did NOT get in a fight with the other women during the first episode because she was splashed at the pool, and to prove it, Danutalie is going to argue about whether she was in a fight for five minutes at TWTA. We secretly love that Danutalie is totally upstaged during her entire speech by the audience woman laughing her ass off behind the D.

We have a dream, dear readers. And that dream is to create a new The View with Danutalie, the other Sara from Season Charlie, and Danushka. We think that would be awesome.

Jillian is the last to take the "hot seat" and talk about her "amazing journey" with Big D (everybody take a drink). Chris Harrison wants to know how J felt that day that Big Daddy dumped her butt. Poor Jillian, who didn't know where she stood that day. She is all elegant in her question answering, and cannot even be upstaged by The Teacher's apples, on prominent display over J's right shoulder. Chris Harrison asks if she would like to be the next bachelorette, and she says yes! "You have to slay a couple dragons if you are going to get to the prince." We think that Jillian and I were given the same children's books during our formative years.

Here comes big Daddy. They discuss The Friend Card and getting to "know each other better" during the overnight dates/the infamous hot tub scene. The St. James version of the Bible calls it "Due Diligence," baby. True story.

Blah blah Friendly Skies' mother is crazy. Blah blah he has a lot of respect for Stephanie. Blah he is "extremely happy" with his choice and now we must take a "closer look" at both Melissa and Molly which is really no more than a montage of previously seen footage.

And we are done. See, I told you it was awful. But rest assured, we will actually be on time with the BNU for next week, in which we have The Finale (ooo, oooo!), After the Final Rose, and After After the Final Rose before we can at last escape to a more worthy season Jillian.

Thanks for hanging with me through my travels, babies.
KLo