Miss J, Eh Part 5: Touched For the Very First Time

Tonight, tonight, Miss J "takes the boys to wonderland." That's right: Welcome to Whistler. As she is packing in the fuzzy slippers and robeyness, she is all "but who can I trust? Who has a girlfriend?" and also "I am so excited to hit the slopes with a bunch of 'great guys.'"
Whatever happens, "Keep Ed," sayeth ABe.
"That's right, even if only for your internet connectivity issues," sayeth KMu.
As the boys pile out of their travel trailer and into the hotel, we are secretly coveting Miss J's fingerless gloves (although we do not understand why she wears them inside the hotel). However, we are annoyed with Jesse's standards speech: "blah blah its getting real. . . blah blah." More disturbing is Rosmo's striped fedora. And yet, we are still unprepared for the first date card to go to b boy: "Come fly with me. Love, Jill." Ow!!! B boy is wearing a leather jacket that SNAPS AT THE NECK like my windbreaker from 4th grade. He prances around the room " I've had dates with 7, 9, and 10 other guys and didn't really get any 1:1 time with Jill!!"
"Time to blow it," says KMu.

And then: dude. B boy appears for his date with Champs (Elysees) Crotch. You know the type: his pants are so tight, and his legs so skinny, that he's got the sunlight streaming through his Arc de Triomphe, if you know what I'm saying. He is also wearing his towel-with-a-hood sweatshirt again. This is not a good look.

Off we go to "Zip Trek Encounters," where Jillian goes zipping down the trek upside down, followed shortly by b boy: "1. 2. 3. Hit it." Oh oh oh b boy is deep: "zipping could be directly related to love. You know, you kind of get out there on the edge. You gotta commit to it. And you jump." Jump. Jump. Kris Kross'll make you. Jump Jump. The Mac Dad will make you. Jump Jump. But Miss J is loving it, as she "wants to feel like she is 19 again" in her relationships. Yes, let's take a poll! How many of us want to FEEL 19 again? I mean, we would wear a bikini every day if we LOOKED 19 again, but we are pretty sure we don't want to be working the summer job or have a crush on that Boy With A Girlfriend and a Tendency to Wear Sports Socks with Dress Shoes ever again.

But we are trying valiently to be interested in this date. B boy is saying something offensive about "trying this in the bedroom later" as they zip down in tandem, and then he incessantly fiddles with his nose as Jillian talks about how this is "more fun" than skydiving because she is actually strapped to a guy she likes. B boy makes some sort of white guy gang symbol that would probably get him killed in some neighborhoods and then cheers to the "tandem hook up." Wow, is this ever awful. . . . .

And then, because it can't end yet, we get to do a wine/champagne tasting with "Andre:" "Burgundy makes you think of silly things; Bordeax makes you talk of them; Champagne makes you do them. Have a wonderful date," says he as he teaches Miss J to pop the cork with a machete. This is the prelude to Miss J "getting real" with b boy: He is ready to settle down because he is a "cheesyass, like, helpless romantic who falls in love if, like, the woman kisses me on the mouth kind of guy," says he. How fortunate that Miss J "doesn't need to be a trophy wife" or a "nice house" or "tip toe through fields of tulips every day" because he's a BREAK DANCE INSTRUCTOR Jillian. Really, she just wants to "stay up late drinking wine and talking about the day."

We look at ourselves, sandwiched between KMu and ABe with the vino and the stretchy pants, and we have to agree that it's a pretty great life.

But then, b boy disparages us. "Why did you sign up for this?" asks J. "Well, I broke up up 8 months ago and have not been on a date with a girl. Or a boy (he clarifies). Since then. I just closed up that part of my life." (babies, he is twenty-five). "Besides, girls in the midwest. They don't put their hair down, pull their skirts up, kick off the heels, or dance around . . . " "Or take of their pants, or run naked through the chapel . . . " says ABe. That's right, b boy. The Buck Run is alive and well in the midwest, and if you don't think women know how to air their bits, then well you went to the wrong college. And also: 10 points deducted for calling us "girls."

But blah blah he gets the Safety Rose on this date for being a "lot of fun." But it's followed by the Friendly Hug instead of a passionate kiss, so we know he's toast in another week or so.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the next date card comes for Wes the Tool, Rosmo, Kiptyn, Ed, Mark the pizza guy, Tannest, Jaques el piloto, and Reid. "Let's call it a snow day." Which apparently means a group date in "Callaghan Country," snowmobiling two by two into the wilderness for a little random 1:1 time with Miss J on the back of said snowmobile. Rosmo goes first. We think he's kind of sweet, and definately the 25-year-old opposite of b boy as he looks her in the eye and talks about not having a girlfriend (so . . . this is apparently where Jillian grills all the guys in an effort to find out Who Is The Cheater). But he is followed by Tannest, who still doesn't actually admit which guy allegedly has a girlfriend but spends his entire 1:1 time alluding to that possibility. We are tired of Tannest.

Yet Crapweasel Wes takes the cake: "Wassup, baby? I'm havin' a blast," says he as they lounge in the snow. Oh, he got "pretty pissed" alright with the events of the last rose ceremony. "Of course, the other guys think I'm here for the wrong reason. I mean, I'm the one with a new CD coming out [it drops on July 15. Downloads for free on itunes under my stage name Big Giant Tool] . . . but that ain't it. I mean, I've been workin' on this CD [tentatively titled, Love Don't Come Easy, But I Do] for 1 1/2 years. My sister signed me up for this show. I mean, whatever happens, happens. That's how I live my life." As he says to the Camera Confessional later on: "There's no doubt this would help my publicity, but that's not why I'm here."

Rage. RAGE. Of course, Miss J eats it up. "He's such a sweetie." Yes, like ant poison.

But now Jillian is dancing on the ice-bar, and falling into Ed to "catch her." Yay Ed! Oh wait, except we have to get through 1:1 time with Kiptyn back at the lodge first, who is wearing a Morton Salt Girl hat or something. Yet somehow, Miss J "cannot process what he is saying because he is so cute." Of course, they make out and we are totally uncomfortable as we are 12 inches away, so close is the camera angle. mmm, salty.

And then: 1:1 with Reid. This viewer loves Reid. We would Wet That Whistle.

Right. ANYWAY, Reid says she smells good, like snow and flowers, and once again gracefully sidesteps Miss J's pointed question about who has the girlfriend by telling her he has several, and also two wives (oh, Reid, let me be a part of that polygamist sect). We will forgive you, Reid, for having tucked your t-shirt into your jeans in a weird way because we heart you almost as much as Richard the Science Teacher from Season Double D (R.I.P. Richard).

But crisis: in her 1:1 time with Ed, he announces that he has gotten a call from his boss. Said boss issued an ultimatum about Ed getting his butt home because things are going to hell in a handbasket. He doesn't know what to do: "If Jillian gave me the indicators, I could walk away from my career here." We are In A Tizzy. Though Miss J gives him the Safety Rose, which he can then "decide to keep or give back" over the next few days, we are on the (soft, comfortable) edge of the Mus sofa. Jacques el Piloto, whom we believe knows Ed best, says "In this economy, sometimes the right decision is to bow out. I am confident that he will not be here" at the next rose ceremony. Nooooooooo.

And with that cliffhanger, we must suffer through the final date with Jesse the winemaker. This date apparently means taking a plane to a glacier, where they may frolick like children. Except there is something ickity about Jesse's mouth. (Oh wait, KMu reminds me that I am actually confusing Jesse with the boy who asked this viewer out recently. You know, the one with NO TEETH). Anyway, Jesse is excited to go where "everything is white and smooth and never been touched before." Sing with me: "Like a virgin, Hey!" He and Miss J run around for awhile as we are forced to look over and over again at his reflective aviator glasses and terrible homemade puce knit cap. "You have the body of a gymnist," says he. We vomit a little.

At dinner (you mean this date is not over yet?), Miss J grills Jesse about his past relationship and wants to know if it's too soon to start dating again. No, he reassures her that it's totally fine because in his last relationship, he kept thinking, 'how am I gonna get out of this?" Wow, we bet his ex is loving that. But Jillian is already dictating Chapter 2 in her Feminist Manifesto: "I'd really just like to put my life in a guy's hands for a while, move to where he is and start my career there." Suddenly, we feel tired. As does Jesse, apparently, as he tells Miss J that her "sexy, raspy voice" could put him to sleep. Miss J says that "it sounds like I've been drinking whisky since I was born," which, if true, would explain why she feels 19 years old.

This date concludes in the hot tub, where Jesse is "ready to take it to the next level" but cannot stop cleaning his teeth with his tongue long enough to do so. And yet somehow, gets a Safety Rose.

Then: OH NO. ABe's beloved Ed has called Jillian to him the day of the rose ceremony. He must say goodbye because of his job! If he leaves, he realizes he is letting her down, but if he stays, then he is letting 6 or 7 people down. He wipes her tears. He doesn't want to give the rose back, however. He wants to keep it. She warns him not to let his work come between him and his True Love, if ever he finds her. Miss J is devastated! WE are devastated, both for ourselves and also for Miss J, as Ed is one of the only Normal People on the show. As Miss J says goodbye, she wanders blindly through the snow in her clydesdale fringy boots. Thank god she has a ginormous Anukshuk to point the way home!

If this viewer were ever lost, we would leave little anukshuks so that the Mus could find us before we were eaten by wild dogs. In fact, perhaps this viewer will start leaving anukshuks around the neighborhood now, just in case we are Cut by our Neighbor Dennis and then eaten by his two batshit schnauzers.

Anyway, the rose ceremony is upon us. Miss J is wearing another one of her boob-flap dresses, except this one looks like a fancy fan napkin on top -- which, for some reason, is more acceptable than the Free Makeover Dress, even if accompanied by a giant rhinestone cumberbund. Oh! She cries to Chris Harrison, who smiles with glee, as she describes the devastation that was Ed the I.T. guy's departure. How fortunate that "Ed was not the only guy I was falling for." (Congrats Ed, you probably made the right decision to save your job).

And, as a Woman Who Knows Her Mind, Miss J also doesn't need a rose ceremony to decide who she is going to give the boot tonight. We wonder if it will be Tannest, with his white v-neck t-shirt and sports jacket combo, or b boy (pretty in pink), or Wes the Tool in our mother's tweed suit coat.

But joining b boy and Jesse (and Ed, R.I.P.) with the roses, Miss J picks:
1. Reid!! I would soak that . . .
2. Kiptyn
3. Rosmo
4. Jacques el piloto
5. Tannest (ohhhhhhhhhhh the air just left our viewing area, so great were the gasps)
6. We all knew this was coming . . . . Wes. Who of course says "sorry about Ed" when he gets his rose. He is SO That Guy. Tool.

Mark the pizza guy goes home. Poor dude says he has been cheated on 4 times, so he has this big wall up. Oh! Though we were never that into you, we hope you find a Nice Girl.

Stay tuned for next week, when Tannest jiggles his bits around in his tighty whiteys for Miss J because "that's what daddy wants," Wes announces that he's also "gotten what he wants" with the publicity and now must figure out a way to bow out, and Reid (we think. And if so: crisis) experiences a "problem in the bedroom" due to the stress of it all.

KLo