Miss J, Eh Part 1: Tool Time.

Okay, so um, we missed the first 10 minutes of the Miss J, Eh Season Opener because of a little dvr crisis. But we are confident that it went something like this: "Meet Jillian, watch her journey (everyone take a drink) until she got dumped that the alter (so to speak) by Big Daddy." All we know is that when we tuned in, **BAM** it was to Steve the attorney and his Forehead of Death. No no no no and why why why???? The lawyers are always the crazies. Oh well, at least we won't see him past episode 1, we are sure.

We slide down Steve's learned brow to Juan, aka, "Juan y Only." JuanyOnly is from Argheteena, babies. He is a general contractor by day, a mama's boy by night, and no, he is definately NOT gay not at all. His and the mom's business (she's the architect, he's the builder) is totally professional, which is why she brings him lunch, pesters him about grandchildren, and has the crazy dyed blonde hair and penciled-on eyebrows of "Maria in el Bario Sol." JuanyOnly thinks Miss J should join the family business because they "need an interior designer." sigh.

But then there is Mark, who runs a pizza parlour and is an "entrepreneur," read: I am looking for another job. And Kyle the graphic designer with the heinous clothing of skinny ties, thrift store finds, and bedhead hipster hair. We suspect he has a girlish giggle. But Miss J will love him, gentle readers, because he "looks good. Smells good. Makes love good." Too bad he also can't talk good. Oh, and Sasha, a/k/a Captain America, the 27 year old oil and gas consultant with the perfectly ginormous chin. What is up with the infants? Dear Miss J, don't date below your age ESPECIALLY if the boys are under 30.

It is like she heard our howls of protest, as the next man ABC offers up is Wes, a 32 year old . . . country western singer. Nooooooooooooooo. I mean, we love us some country because of our Michigan years, but "Wes" has the giant shirtpocket piping and is barefoot in a window warbling, "They say y y y, say y y y love, it don't come e-e-e- a - s-a-a-ay." Shoot us now. Unfortunately, it goes downhill further with Greg Bilbo, the "professional fitness model" with the spray tan and nastiness. Bilbo Baggins here thinks he's a "Perfect 10" ("That's right, I said it."). Tool.

Last but not least we have Jake the pilot, who appears on the scene to gasps from ABe and KMu. "I would eat those peanuts," sayeth KMu.

But more important than these Previews to the Manscape of Season J is Jillian herself, in quite possibly the Best Dress In Bachelorette History (all four seasons) We covet this dress. It is cream and schwoopy and has sequins in all the right places -- most importantly in what appears to be a stretch panel down the front. We vividly remember ERo boasting over the secret stretch panel in her pants over the weekend and realize that we have arrived, gentle readers. We have arrived at the age of Spanx, where we have "just the shoes" to go with that kicky little number and those shoes are flats. Where we think "oh that is useful" when faced with stretch paneling instead of "why would anyone ever want that?" And that is why we love this dress.

Our Lady of the Secret Stretch sits down with Chris Harrison for what has to be a speech prepared by Paula Abdul.
CH: "Did you ever think, in a million years, that you would ever come back."
Our Lady of SS: "never ever. In my whole life, I've been all over my career, thinking maybe I will attract someone. And then I different approach with Jason, 90 years old, deathbed, person going to be with me. Gotta slay some dragons and weather storms. Find Mr. Invisible. Bring us Prince charming." Is she drunk already?

And also, Dear Miss J: We don't think the menfolk would be happy with the nickname of "Mr. Invisible," even if it means something like you "haven't found him yet." Because menfolk name their bits, which only means the following is inevitable:
Man: "Can Mr. Invisible Come Play?"
J: "I thought he already was."

And then we have the ad break. Where KMu and ABe rewind and replay Jake the Pilot.

Suddenly, limo #1 is officially upon us. And it opens, or actually someone opens it:
KMu: "Hey, ABe, here's your POC (person of color)"
ABe: "Yeah, opening the limo?" [way to represent America, ABC]
So we have:
1. Kipyn, some sort of business entrepreneur who was obviously born in the '80s because no self-respecting mother of the 70's would name their child that.
2. Bryan the high school teacher and coach, with a total nod to Pinkie Le Chef of Season Double D with his electric hot pink shirt. He also loses major points for lifting Jillian.
3. John P of Indiana, who immediately defines our beloved state with a running commentary on hicks. Tool.
4. Brian the IT Consultant who is gonna "run inside and make a cocktail." We hope he also changes his awful lime green polka dot tie.
5. Jake the pilot (squeals from the peanut gallery on this one, but we are unconvinced). Jake gives Jillian a set of wings. "Take," he says, "take these broken wings. And learn to fly again, learn to live so free."
6. David the "trucking contractor" from Dayton, OH who completely goes silent for 13 Mississippis as he is introducing himself.
7. Tanner F from Denver. Okay, the fact that we have to go by last initials means there is more than one "tanner." WTF. Anyway, we don't know what he does; we are too blinded by his DARK LIME GREEN SHIRT to care.
8. Michael the breakdancing instructor. I don't know what to say, except that he is one shaved eyebrow away from Vanilla Ice.
9. Robby the bartender "by trade." He's got a "special drink for VIPs in his life" that he will "make for her," babies. Oh oh oh we know: 100 proof + a splash of Roofies? "Here grandma, this will help you sleep."
10. Speaking of 100 proof, John from Boise, ID comes stumbling out of of the limo in his purple electric shirt. What is this, the limo of many colors?
11. Captain America, who says he is from "Dallas" instead of admitting that he is really from "Tiki Island, Texas." We suspect this is because Tiki Island is what his mother named the drive up to their house.
12. Brad, a 27 year old financial advisor from Chicago. Meh.
13. Mathue, a 26 year old "personal trainer" with a hat signed by Alan Jackson and now . . . Miss J. We also don't like the spelling of his name, though we feel this would be justified if he were the middle child, such that his mother could say, "Mathue is the segue from child 1 to child 3."
14. Simon the soccer coach from Yorkshire England. We love that ABC gives us subtitles for him. Because he's English, and we apparently don't speak that in the U.S. (See, e.g. Kyle). He also announces that his mom brought him tea, so he'll go steep some for her. We will give him that because he is English and also, because we love tea.
15. Jesse the winemaker.
16. Julian aka Julienne the restauranteur.
17. Wes, in a velour jacket and jeans. Thanks for dressing up, Wes.
18. Kyle, in metallic pleather.
19. Adam the olympic cyclist in electric blue. WTF WTF WTF. We are going to take all of these men shopping.
20. Steve the lawyer. Nice knowing you, token JD.
21. JuanyOnly. "Como te ve," Juanito asks. We secretly wish she'd say "asi asi."
22. David Cook. Okay, Caleb the photographer but seriously you have to see this guy.
23. John the lifeguard, who looks sort of like James Dean but is a lifeguard.
24. Bilbo Baggins. Joining the "bachelors who don't talk good" camp, Bilbo says he's "been married 5 people."
25. Mark the pizza entrepreneur. Hoping to capitalize on her Hot Dog Theory, Mark asks what Miss J's favorite toppings are. "Oh, I like pepperoni, and olives, and ham, and peppers and anchovies and and and" says she. "So she's a meat lover," says PMu. Mark of the pizza just scurries inside.

Por fin, all 25 are here. Kyle the graphic designer is all, "Wow, it's a girl who can talk and speak and hold herself and carry a conversation (unlike me)." And also, aren't those all pretty much synonyms? Jake the Pilot is dinging the ick meter, "How do you talk to an angel?" he wonders. Michael wants a "whoop whoop." And Jake wonders again if Jillian can be his copilot and tells her that his whole family is doctors except himself. Meanwhile, Jesse the Winemaker has an "aspiring Canadian" t-shirt underneath his button-down. Tanner wants a best friend. Kipyn says she "looks a lot more attractive in person than he expected." (ahahahha) And JuanyOnly launches into a speech about how he's a fabulous uncle and his mother is an architect.

Says random guy: "What's going to separate us for you, since you say we all have these good qualities."
Says Miss J: "Not all of you." Ahahahhaa. Well said, Freud.

And then oh oh oh the Safety Rose comes out. JuanyOnly thinks he "deserves it more than anyone else" (of course you do, mama's boy), and Michael the breaker says it's "gonna get real real fast." We personally think Brian the IT guy should get the Molly Brown Boot for saying, "what's up you sassy little minx" and also for his polka-dot tie, but we would still keep him over Kyle, who displayed his graphic design skills by drawing a moustache on Jillian's hand. And then, Wes breaks out the guitar. "They s -a a-a-a-y. They say that love don't come e-e-e-e-a-a-s-a-a-ay." Of course he has written this for Jillian. And also, there's "going to be a lot more." Okay Philip Glass, if you are only going to sing the same line over and over, we are going to feel the Burning Rage. So stop it stop it stop it right now.

Fortunately, we have a Battle of the Tools/Dance Off between Bilbo Baggins and Michael the breakdance instructor to distract us! So when we were 11, we were passionately in love with Breakin' the movie. Push it, Pop It, Rock It, Lock It, Break It to Make It, babies. We lived it in our living room, high-kicking to such greatest hits as "There's no Stoppin Us" and our personal favorite, "Freakshow (baby baby) on the dance floor. She's a Freak. Show." And also, the heroine was named Kelly and even if she wore those polterwhangy (to borrow a term from the fug girls) high rise leotards and could not dance her way out of a box, we loved her for her short hair and name. The memory of these events sustains us through this:
Michael: "He's all, 'Mike, it's time to battle.' And I'm all, 'whaaaaaaaaat?'"

Bilbo, gentle readers, was a "b boy back in the day." Of course he was. There is some sort of neck crunching spins and "in your face" gestures going on to the tune of "bfgsh bfsh bft, bfgsh bfsh bft" supplied by Jillian. Rap with me: "There was a dude. From Russia he defected. New York City. He e (uhuh uh huh) fected. He was an awesome dancer. Might even call him rad. In Michael Jackson's terms, you'd just call him Bad." Oh wait, that is the Baryshnikov Rap, Circa 1985, by KLo and RMi. That's right babies, we were once a Rapper. And that is why we now have a desk job. ANYWAY, Michael clearly won this contest, as Josh Jimmy Dean "Go Meat" Lifeguard admits that he "saw some things that he hasn't seen since the 5th grade."

And then . . . a surprising new twist!!! There are FIVE more guys coming this season! Oh hell, more people to keep straight: Ed, Mike, Reid, Tanner (Tannest), and some other guy that we don't remember because it is late and we are into the wine. Mike has to be some sort of ball player because his only line appears to be (tossing the ball), "you are a great catch," which he says twice at different points. But thank god for Ed, who is an IT consultant and quite possibly the only normal person in the group. Team Ed!!!

Tannest the financial planner terrifies us. He likes "cookin, huntin," and feet. A self-professed "big foot guy," he hopes he can "see Jillian's feet." The perfect foot, babies, can tell him within 10 seconds if he could marry the girl. There shall be no "eagle claws." There shall be "high arches." Toe jam is forbidden (ABe just threw up a little). And they shall be polished. Tannest maneuvers Jillian over to the pool to "stick our toes in" and is surreptitiously checking out the goodies before Mike the Baller sweeps her off (thank god; this is the one time picking her up is okay).

But totally confusing us is Jillian's award of the final rose to . . . the trucker of the 13 Mississippis, David. "Stick it on me," he says. "Where is it, Mr. Invisible?" says she (okay not really, but illustrating my point).

And finally FINALLY it is final rose time. The remaining 19 go to:
1. Jake the Pilot
2. Jesse the Winemaker
3. Wes (WTF)
4. Matheu (who we realize looks like an ex from the nose down. weird.)
5. Michael the breakdancer
6. Robert
7. Ed the IT guy (Team Ed!). To which a viewer who does not wish to be named because her family reads the BNU and she will die of eternal shame but is definately NOT this viewer said, "You can plug your adaptor into my port anytime."
8. Reid, one of the new guys.
9. The Teabagger
10. Kipton
11. Mike the Baller ("you're a great catch")
12. Bryan the Coach (we think. One of the Brian/Bryans).
13. Captain America
14. Julienne
15. Tannest (WHAT?)
16. Mark the Pizza Guy
17. Brad the financial planner (double what?)
18. Tanner
19. JuanyOnly

Check you later, Bilbo Baggins. Don't let the door hit you on your way back to Middle Earth. Of course, Steve the attorney is all pissed and poor-loosery. "She must want someone more 'country' and less 'city.' I don't even know what they do in the country. Hay the bush?" No, they grow the FOOD that you eat to form that enormous forehead, you giant Tool.

Anyway, stay tuned for this season, where there are fights, secret girfriends (gasp!) and romantic strawberry eating moments (you know how I feel about those, all of you).

Ah, it's good to be back.
KLo.