Miss J, Eh Part 2: The Rise of Jake the Pilot

We interrupt this program with a Special Bulletin from the BNU: Our intrepid viewer, KMu, turns 30 today. Welcome to the clubhouse, girl. We heart you.

So apparently, ABC has taken the approach to Miss J that this viewer's father took to sheparding multiple children through the drivers' education years: let's stick that baby in the biggest boat on wheels. Yes we know the car "theme" for this season is the "American Classic" (read: 1952 Chevy). But we KNOW that somewhere in California or Pleasure Island or wherever ABC has its offices, there is an executive screaming, "I'll be BILLY BE DAMNED if I am going to rent a lambourghini for a chick!!!!" Well, whatever. They have spray-painted it electric purple, so I guess that's fine.


And off we are to episode #2. Convertible boat car. Jillian driving and winking. Best dress ever. And . . . . the ruins of an aquaduct by the pool. OMG, I didn't know they were in ancient Rome!


So the guys are moving in. And they are all traumatized because they have to live in the "bunkhouse," which would only be better if there were *actual* bunkbeds. And also, if it had the "swamp" like the dorms had at camp when this viewer was a child: a toilet filed with dirt and crabgrass. But some dude is lifting weights with one hand and drinking beer with the other. So we are pretty sure that they are all going to fit right in, regardless of what they say.


Gather around children, for Chris Harrison is about to go over The Rules. There shall be two group dates and an individual date. But oh oh oh, not everyone gets a date. We almost don't care because Tannest is wearing the deepest v-neck ever and we are pretty sure he waxes.


And just like that, we are off to date # 1: Our girl Miss J is already drinking by the pool when Michael the b boy, Brad the financial dude, Brian the IT guy a/k/a Barry Manilow, Sasha a/k/a Captain America, Tannest, Wes the country singer (ew), Ed the IT guy, and Mattheu show up. "She's all in a bikini. And I'm like 'whooooaaa," says b boy. Well, thank GOD he speaks with his BODY. Captain America gets the sunscreen honors and we are all gratuitously treated to a close-up of Miss J's abs of steel. We will never go on this show. Never ever ever. Oh, but if Miss J gives a rose, "where's she gonna pin it?" Only Matheu knows, as he wiggles his pectoral man flesh.


B boy steals Miss J for a little 1:1 and is working his magic up in the balcony: "Oh, you are so easy. . . . you smelled so good last night. . . . what was that?" "Eau de heron?" proposes Miss J and we heart her once again, although she immediately loses all manner of point by concluding that B boy, also, is easy to talk to and attractive. For his part, B boy stares blankly like, "oh, I'm gonna get me some of that smell." Sigh. "I'll be right back," says Jillian. Noooooooooo!!!! She canNOT be giving b boy the safety rose. He is peeing himself with excitement up on the balcony, the boys down by the pool are sad, and Miss J takes the rose and . . . gets in a car and drives off. Run, Lola, Run. Finally, a bachelorette with some brains.


Alas, Chris Harrison decides to take us back to 1991 as he surfaces in a HOODY rugby and tells the boys that the "race for Jillian's heart is just beginning." In the words of Ricky Bobby, these boys need to drive. They need speed. They need to go out there like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell. And they need to win. So off everyone goes in their swimsuits and barefeet/cowboy boots to the front gate, where four mini-coopers await with a a lockbox and bucket of keys. Okay, we all know that nekkid and socks is not good. What we did not realize is that swimsuit and cowboy boots is worse, sort of like what the 2 year old wears to church after his mother has given up.


As everyone is trying to figure out which key fits the lockbox, somebody (Captain America?) smashes his box and gets the clue inside. Point 1: Neanderthals. Brian Manilow is "lookin forward to makin a mockery of these dudes." B boy and Tannest get all skreetchity and decide to turn right out of the driveway because "everyone else turned left."
No one opens their map.
We almost don't want to comment on the perfection that is this moment. May be circle be unbroken, babies.

So Miss J shows up at a jewelry store in her swimsuit, because that wouldn't be uncomfortable, and calls the boys to check on them. "OHMYGODYAYAYYAAWHOOAAUGHAUGHAHHHH" is all we hear from the Tannest/b boy car. B boy also "peed a little in his swimsuit." We are sensing a theme with him. Anyhow, team Ed and Brian Manilow make it to the first location, some sort of restaurant, first. They find matching tuxedos in the hallway and start changing for their next challenge: a showchoir rendition of Mood Indigo (sing with me: "You've got . .. that mood indigo . . ." ). Okay not really but that would have been awesome. The next clue is, "If you want to win Jillian's heart, you've got to lay it on the line." So the boys are looking outside at the pavement, in the closet, at the food. .. And we are screaming "the LINE COOKS you morons!" Our friend Chef GBe would be so proud, but wow, we have to step away from the birthday cupcakes. Brian Manilow, standing on the other side of said line, is like "ooo, tequila!"

Yet miraculously, team Ed/Brian Manilow are the first to appear at stop #2: the jewely store, where the boys get to pick out a necklace for J to wear. We aren't sure who is second anymore, but Team Wes/Brad is third and has to rock/paper/scizzors for the necklace because they can't agree. But off we go to the next clue: "It's time to put some spring in your step."

Which leads us to . . . .Gringots. We are not sure why we are here, but daaaaaamn one of the boys opening the vault has the Worst Scrotee Ever. And then we realize, Miss J is LOCKED IN THE VAULT. If this story ended, "where she was found, days later, half eaten by wild dogs," it would be this viewer's dating story. Fortunately/Unfortunately, as Mr. Scrotee peels back the vault door, Jillian shimmers out of the darkness in a total Free Makeover dress. Once when this viewer was 16, we went to a fancy salon in Boston with a coupon she found for a "free makeover," including hair cut, skin inspection, and "makeup application." We left feeling pretty good about ourselves, having chopped off a foot of her hair and gotten all makeupy. After walking half a mile home through the social center of the community, we then realized that we had 12 inches of hair hanging off our backside. And that, my friends, is Jillian's dress.

As Miss J surfaces, we think "ooo, shiny!" and "ooo, satiny!" and then "omg, WTF is she doing with the assymetrical boob flaps." We understand that this dress is trying to say "peel back my satin exterior and I am all rhinestones, baby." But what we get is "my right boob is bigger than my left boob and now you can't look away either."

Anyway, team Wes/Brad makes it to her first. As between you and me, this viewer would just go back in the vault. But she picks Wes to have dinner with, who gives her a harness of diamonds. We are not even going to comment on how much we don't like this necklace because we don't like Wes more. "There's something really great about Wes that I am really attracted to," says Miss J. ARGH.

Wes, gentle readers, is "gonna finish that song for you, J, and it's gonna be really good." Wes has had "three girlfriends in his entire life," but admittedly, a "few" ladies inbetween. Wes describes life on the road. Wes is "probably the most easiest guy you'll ever know," Jillian babe. Wes doesn't ask a SINGLE QUESTION. We do NOT like Wes. Though in fairness, we think Brad is developing a cold sore that we cannot look away from almost as much as we cannot look away from the Free Makeover Dress, so really we cannot blame her. Except did she really have to kiss Wes? Ew.

So by now, the other guys are watching the Jillian - Wes date on televison. "Nooooo" they scream as she gives Wes a rose. "You seem like a bad guy. That scares me a little bit. But not enough to let you go," says she. Hm, maybe the fifth of gin he downs in the limo on the way back to her place will change that. We are sad that Wes is going to live in the mansion with Jillian for the remainder of the week, but not as sad as Brad "if it weren't for me (and my cold sore), Wes would not have won this competition" sore loser financial guy.

Meanwhile, back at the bunkhouse, date box #2 has arrived for . . . Jake the Pilot!!!! JuanyOnly wants to know if the name is misspelled. Oh ha ha JuanyOnly. We know you're the "Juan to watch," the "Juan that I want (doo doo doo, honey)," and my personal favorite, "Cujuando, Cujuando Cujuando . . ." Okay I can't think of any more. Anyway, we have been previously suspicious of Jake the Pilot and his cheesy romanticism, but we are willing to give him another chance. Jillian, for her part, wants to see if he has that "spicy X factor" that she needs or if she is too conservative and vanilla. Um, Big Daddy, Jillian?

So Miss J takes Jake the Pilot to a country western store. She does the "calgary stampede" every year, babies. She likes her some country music (that's our girl). So she wants to see if he can get in the mode, or "unbutton those buttons and shake it loose."

We suddenly flash to Bathroom Stall Entrapment. We realize this is off-topic. But we know (all of us) that there is nothing worse than being trapped on the other side of that cheap metal barrier from a person who is both singing show tunes and has eaten cheetos for breakfast. We shall encourage that person to "unbutton those buttons and shake it loose" henceforth.

Anyhow, we are too distracted by the sea of flesh that is Jake's chest to file away any more useful comments. Oh sweet jesus. And also, he opens the door for her on their way to the House of Blues. And . . . he knows how to two-step. Really, really well. OMG, Jake the pilot we are so surprised and also a little in love even if you may not have snap. Jake the Pilot asks QUESTIONS. And he poses a hypothetical of waffles in belgium (we had a belgian waffle for our prom meal. True story). And he PLANTS ONE on her. OMG, we have swooned into a puddle in the middle of the Mus living room. . . . only to swoon again when Martina McBride comes out to sing and Jake dances with Jillian and kisses her hand and then says to the camera that he just wants her to be happy. Miss J says she feels like she's going to faint. You and me both, sister.

We do not possibly know how the next group date could be any more awesome than this one, and in fact have completely missed the names of the boys on this date, though we know they include the Teabagger, Kiptyn, JuanyOnly, Mike the Baller, David the Trucker, Jesse the Winemaker, and some other ones? "Let's play some ball," says the note.

David the Trucker, in a phrase, is completely freaked by JuanyOnly's sexuality. "He's lacking in testosterone, man" says David. Therefore, he's not going to do well at sports, we suppose. And turns out -- David is right. The gents play basketball with Jillian, and JuanyOnly both lifts Jillian to make a basket . . . then drops her and nearly tramples her to death. David is feeling The Rage (someone is missing his steroids), but JuanyOnly insists that he set her down gently, "like a butterfly." But oh oh oh the harlem globetrotters come to play!! We love them!! We would totally be the old woman standing at the top of the hill watching this game. Sadly, David Road Rage Trucker is selected by ye globetrotters as the person best for Jillian. He gets a jersey that says "Special K." Ooooo!!! This was our nickname in 4th grade!! "Sadly, my nickname was Hootie" says KMu.

Okay, so we're not sure really what happens next because we are still recovering from Jake the Pilot, but we think everyone goes to the ocean for sunset, as Mike the Baller runs into the water in his speedo and that DOES catch our attention ha cha cha. Then we have some sort of dinner or drinks by the pool, where JuanyOnly sparks David's Rage by allegedly faking drinking a shot. JuanyOnly also works his magic in a little 1:1 with Miss J:
"You're so adorable. "You were on the beach. The sun was so pretty. And your eyes were so green and pretty."
Says David Road Rage Trucker: "Guys like that should get beat up. Let's tie him to a tree. He's totally breaking the Man Code." Oh, right, Dan Brown's long lost sequel to Da Vinci.

We wish David RR Trucker and JuanyOnly would just make out and be done with it.

So blah blah we have some more 1:1 times with Kiptyn and then Mike the Baller gets the Safety Rose. We admit the Mike is growing on us, but not as much as Jake the Pilot (sweet sweet Jesus).

And here we are at the Rose Ceremony, which is good because we are going to be late for work so we must make this quick. Tannest is aggressively pursuing his goal of "seeing Jillian in open toed shoes." He manages to completely freak her out, "Dude, I love feet. They are phenomenal," as he claws her foot into his lap and will not let it go. Miss J finally makes the connection between creepy Rose Ceremony #1 moment at the pool and this Creepy Rose Ceremony moment, but laughs it off with a "who has the worst feet in the bunkhouse?" We are a little scared when Tannest says "Sasha. His feet are hairy." with such seriousness that we KNOW he has secretly evaluated everyone's feet for their sexyness.

Wes is a tool, a thousand times over (we are sorry to be brief but we are really late crap crap crap). Robby the bartender, one of the only guys NOT to have gotten a date, makes his patented drink, the "Rosbo." Wes steals Miss J away from Robby with a "you cheatin on me?" and wants to talk about the "stage shirt" he's wearing. You know, the "kind that you where while you play." ahhahahahaa. David is going to kill JuanyOnly: "he's a fake."

And then: A hobo brings out the ballot box. Gentle readers, this is the job to which I aspire. This viewer's E! True Hollywood confession is that she wants to be the person to bring out the silver tray of roses, ballot box, etc etc. If ABC will pay a hobo $50 to do it, why can't this viewer? Anyway, the least popular dude, per votes in the ballot box, is going home. Oh oh oh who will it be? David RR Trucker is licking his lips with anticipation. As JuanyOnly steals more 1:1 time, He is all "If I had seen that guy outside, I would have broken both his knees. He's breaking the Man Code." Blah blah Brian Manilow strips naked and jumps in the pool because he is "hung like a lightswitch" and that should impress Miss J or something. We are not quite sure how the nakedness fits into the ballot making, other than a failed attempt at comic relief, and then we learn that the 3 guys with the most "Top Tool" votes are:
3. Julienne, the restauranteur, who has not gotten a date so far.
2. David RR Trucker
1. JuanyOnly!!!! Ooooo, but Jillian saves him with a rose.

And to join Jake the Pilot, Mike the Baller, Wes the Tool, and JuanyOnly, Miss J picks:
1. Jesse the winemaker
2. David RR Trucker (wtf)
3. Ed the IT guy
4. Captain America
5. Mark? THere was a Mark on this show?
6. b boy
7. Tannest (wtf wtf wtf)
8. Kiptyn
9. Reid, who didn't get a date but got some 1:1 time
10. Robby the bartender
11. Tanner F (who also didn't get a date, we think)
12. Brad Cold Sore financial guy.

Damn, Jillian. We would have switched a bunch of these guys out for the ones you let go: Teabagger, Matheu, Julienne, and Brian Manilow (okay, not him). We are heartbroken a little for Matheu, who Jillian stops to emphasize he is a "nice guy," making things worse.

Sorry to cut this short, but stay tuned for next week, when Wes finally finishes his damn song and David goes on a rampage for JuanyOnly. . . . before they make the sweet sweet love (we suspect).

KLo