Miss J, Eh Part 3: The Mythical Unicorn

We prepare for Miss J Part 3 with flowers, and beveled glasses of vino in a dimly lit room. As KMu lights the Tea Lights of Embience, we settle into the sofa in excited twitterpation and think of one of our favorite Romance Novel lines: "He lay her down on her mother's sofa." Because, babies, we know that this very scene will be set by JuanyOnly if he makes it past Round 3. Oh oh oh, we feel so Close to the Action.


We are down to 16, babies, and this week there will be only two individual dates and one group date, still with not everyone getting a chance to shine. However, the boys who get roses on these dates get to move to the mansion with le J. But briefly, we don't care because we have flashed to Jaques el Piloto and his electric blue ball cap and yumminess. Sigh.

And then: bonus! Date #1 is with Ed the IT guy! "Love can be dangerous," says the date card. Okay, we heart Ed, but he is totally losing his pants until he changes for this date. We too have a healthy aversion to belts, but we are not on National Television. Anyway, we are glad he changes, because Magnum P.I. has given T.C. the day off to helicopter Ed and Miss J around LA. Oh, it's so natural! Oh, he has The Chemistry with Miss J! (Yes, yes he does. With all of us, actually.) Oh! they are going to rapel down the side of a building and into a pool . . . or actually be rapelled, inch by painful inch of a snail's pace, while screaming "whoo hoo! This is so fun!!!" for like half an hour. As they jump into the pool at the end, KMu is affronted: "are those JORTS?!?"

It's true, babies. He is wearing Jorts. Which are never okay for any occassion unless they are homemade, unhemmed, and also hugging Legs of Beauty. These are not those Jorts. Ed. Ed. Ed. Of course, as he kisses J in his jorts, she feels all like he "little Jillian, and this big guy is going to take care of me." Unless his jorts get stuck in the pool filter. But he apparently makes it because suddenly we are at dinner on top of another building, and Miss J has a total off-the armpit dress that we cannot figure out. We are a little stressed that she is One Slouch Away from clearing up those questions started with the Free MakeOver Dress once and foreall.

As they eat dinner, J determines that Ed has no bad qualities, though he does work a lot, including on the weekends sometimes. "I've been there before," says she, "and that's why I'm still single." Crisis. We wonder whether this is the reason we are still single and not our love of the Bachelor and dance shows and failure to wear a belt. We feel sad inside. As, apparently, does Miss J because she loses her train of thought here and opts to make out. We also see the warning signs because J has to ask Ed if he has any questions for her, which means that he must have given her the dreaded but woefully popular Interview Date. You know the kind (all of you): woman is forced to keep asking question after question and feels exhausted by the end but man thinks "Wow, that was really great. We had such a connection." The Interview Date is almost always followed by the "Buy Off," in which the woman pays for the date so as to not feel guilty about not going out again. But after the longest speech in individual-date-rose-giving history, Miss J gives Ed the safety rose. Whew.

Ooooo, back at the house, the next date card has arrived for Reid (whom we like, all of us), Wes the Tool, Mike the Baller, b boy, Tanner #1, Mark the pizza guy, Brad of the Coldsore, Rosmo, Kiptyn, JuanyOnly, and Tannest. "Show me the good, the bad, and the ugly." We secretly think that would be Jake, Wes, and David RR trucker, and why do we need a date for that (except to see Jaques, who is suspiciously absent this episode, dammit). But whatever.


The boys drive up in a stretch limo to this date, out in the middle of nowhere with a midwestern set from Days of Yore. Okay, there is a STRIPPER MIRROR on the ceiling of this thing, and blinkity lights, and we are convinced that the budgetary cuts that led to ABC giving Big Daddy and Molly a tent for their congratulatory gift have led ABC to ask P.Hilt if they could borrow her wheels and remove the pole. Wtf. But more random still is the dude fake-punching the other dude on said midwestern set, and then walking away with a "see you later, hoss."

It appears that Miss J "loves westerns." So all the boys must dress up and do little scenes with her. . . . most of which involve kissing Jillian, except for a scene between b boy and Mike the baller, in which they play "straight up gay dudes," according to b boy. Let's think about that one. "Oooo, I have breathmints!" breathes JuanyOnly. David RR Trucker is too interested in his shreaded leather tassel jacket, which he would apparently "wear in real life" (what, to an Airstreamers convention?), to care.

So scene #1 is in some bar with Brad Coldsore finance dude kicking ass and taking names. Followed by the worse kiss in history, even by Jr. High behind-the-bikerack standards. Dude just stands there with his arms at his sides, all ponchoed up, and stretches his neck forward like a baby bird. After what we are pretty sure was Brad's first kiss, he summarizes the Levels of Ick: "there's Bad Ass. And Super Bad Ass. And then there's me: Ultra Bad Ass." JuanyOnly is all "what the f*ck was that?!" B boy is shocked because Brad "didn't move his lips or anything." And Tannest concludes that this is the "worst kiss since 1988." What's your kiss going to be like, Tannest? "Take off your boots?" "Show me the little piggy that went to market?"

Scene 2 starts in a jail with a predictable "You boys have been bad. Real bad." from Miss J. OMG, we want to write for this show. We think she kisses Wes or something here. But Scene 3 is with Rosmo the Hobo: "I'm gonna get that gold and gonna get back to you as soon as possible." Rosmo isn't going to have to look very far, as the gold is hanging in ginormous plates from J's ears. He does a big twirly kiss at the end of the scene, for which we give him props, but we must remember that he is 25 and therefore undateable.

Anyway, Wes pulls Miss J away right under JuanyOnly's nose. Of course, JuanyOnly is too preoccupied with holding his prop signet ring up to the light and trying it on like the newly engaged person to care. Meanwhile, on the faux back porch of some building, Wes is all "I don't want you to be datin' these other guys, darlin. Not like you're cheatin' or anything [sidebar: that is the second time he has brought up cheating. wtf.], 'cause you're not, but let's just start weedin' out the other guys." We do not like Wes. We do not like his "handling" ways. Says Miss J, "because we've spent so much time together, I think Wes thinks I belong to him (you know, like chattel) . . . . which I think is really sweet." Boo.

And then we are at scene 4, with b boy and Mike the baller professing their love for one another. "We coulda had a good life, me and you. . . . I just can't quit you, Amos." Mike the Baller rises in our estimation for completely having fun with this scene, but we do think that Jillian missed a great opportunity to clear some things up by casting David RR Trucker and JuanyOnly.

Finally, Jillian takes the boys to a wrap party in some downtown loft, where they toast with lemonaid and Reid steals J away for some 1:1 time. We sort of like Reid, who has only been in love "1 1/2 times," but as Reid goes for the kiss . . . JuanyOnly comes out. Booo, we heart Reid for handling this gracefully, and also for teaching us a helpful tip: If a boy states "I don't kiss and tell" in response to the question "did you kiss her," it means "no." Anyway, JuanyOnly wants to 'clear the air and make sure we are on the same page." He wants to "first of all, thank J for the other night. For defending me and keeping me here." Yes, Juan, she will be your protector. And maybe, just maybe, let you move into the house where you can like, totally help her pick out her outfits and advise her on how to maintain her mani/pedi.

As much as we wish JuanyOnly would edge towards the front of the closet, we are totally terrified of David RR Trucker, who wants to "kill" Juan and informs everyone that if J were not there, he would have already "beaten his ass and gotten him out of the limelight" in a speech so full of bleeped epithets that we barely understand it. Eek.

But more interesting is Tannest, who is Taking It To a Whole New Level: "In the hot tub, Jillian's feet looked so good, I just wanted to put them in my mouth.. . . Daddy was 'this close' eee eee eee eee" as he acts out roping them in or downing a sandwich or whatever totally gross thing. ABe is wailing in horror and KMu is forced to walk it off. We suddenly realize that Tannest will probably die of dysentary from licking the feet of some be-sandled chick who has been walking around the streets of a third-world country.

Speaking of dysentary, Rosbo has stolen Miss J for some 1:1 time in a covered wagon/chair to ask the burning question we have all been wondering: "Whose kiss was the best?" Rosbo, you tool. You get 5 minutes with Miss J and THIS is what you ask? Of course, he is gratified because she says him, and then later gives him the safety rose. Blech.

And though this is long and you may be weary, we are only on Date #3, for Captain America. Captain America, my little pumpkins, applauds Jillian for doing a "good job picking him because he's well-rounded." Says ABe: "Oh, so he knows about oil AND gas." He likens the other men to "sheep," whereas he is a "wolf," looking for his "mythical unicorn."

We feel we have cursed this date by hearing C. Am. say "mythical uniform," because suddenly Jillian appears in a FORMAL SHORTS DENIM ROMPER. Somebody get JuanyOnly, stat. We have a fashion emergencia. Miss J takes the Captain to a car museum because she likes "anything with a motor." Ha ha mind = gutter. Anyway, he takes all manner of pictures of her and then lets her squeal through a ride in a Ferrari around town (of course, they let the guy drive the hot car). But, gentle readers, "there comes a point when holdling hands is not enough." Captain America yearns for more, tells Miss J the impassioned story of flipping his truck at 18, which shattered his pelvis and landed him in the hospital for a long time. We are impressed with C.Am., but then, he takes the Fatal Misstep: He tells Miss J he's told a couple people he loves them, but he's still looking for his "mythical unicorn/uniform." She's like, "Oh yeah, the unicorn!"

Wait, we're going to have a conversation on this point?

But in the end, the Captain doesn't get the rose. Jillian worries that she can't live up to his ideals, and that he needs more living, because he hasn't really had his heart broken. I mean, if she were going to have a "fling for a couple of years" (years?), that would be one thing, but she is here for the seriousness, babies. Dammit Jillian, C.Am. may not be the guy for you but you just totally ditched him based on your own insecurities, not his issues. And you kept Wes the Tool and b boy and David RR Trucker. Way to shoot yourself in the foot (and we all know how Tannest is gonna feel about that). As Captain America drives off, he laments that he arrived at the date in a limo, drove a ferrari, and went home on a bus. It has been "humbling." Oh!

Back at the house, Wes is singing : "You say, you sa - a- a-y, that love. It don't come e-e-e-a-s-a-y." Rage. RAGE. The boys are bored (we heart Mike the Baller for yawning) and Tannest lets the camera know that he's "got other skills," which this viewer hears as he's "got other heels." What is happening to us?!?! So Wes sneaks up to the house to serenade Jillian: "You say, you s-a-a-a-y that love, it don't come e-e-e-e-asay." stop it stopit philip glass RAGE. So Miss J invites him into the house to finish his seranade:
"You sa-a-a-y, you sa-a-a-y, that love. It don't come e-e-e-e-say." (RAGE. RAAAAAGE.)
"But I've got a feelin.' And I'm believing."
That lovin' you won't take that long."

What, like 2 minutes? Well that explains a lot.

Okay so finally the rose ceremony is upon us. We think we like Miss J's dress but upon closer inspection, it appears to be gold lame. Boo hiss. Ed is feeling confident. Reid finally gets his kiss, and David RR Trucker feels he is in the "Top 3 of people who have spent the least time with Jillian." He is used to being "top dog, and getting attention," babies. And he TELLS HER THIS. Yet she still admits that he was a "huge frontrunner" at the beginning. Jillian, pull with me. This viewer cannot save you by yourself. We are pretty sure we cannot save JuanyOnly either, who makes an ill-timed steal of Jillian during David RR Trucker's speech about how he's jealous of the other men. Well, that says a lot.

JuanyOnly wants Jillian to know that she "looks so pretty tonight. I see you in your little outfits and your boots, and your hoody sweatshirts and sweats. I've never seen you look bad." And we see the look of confusion on J's face and we want to soothe that troubled brow and assure her that yes honey, JuanyOnly is en fuego. But KMu is listing all of this viewer's little outfits ("And your law review sweatshirt. And your stretchy pants.") and we realize our friends know us really well and also, maybe we should step up the outfits a notch.

But David RR Trucker is going mad, MAD I tell you. He toasts to "real guys," and orders a group of would-be suitors to "drink this toast like a man." Meanwhile, Tannest is over in the corner admitting to the camera that he "doesn't have an agenda. He's here to "suck on some toes and meet some Jillian." Well thank god Captain America is gone, so Tannest doesn't get hair in his mouth. Tannest is here to "make a connection with Jillian's feet," dear readers. He wants to "kiss em, touch em, suck em, rub em, tweeze em." AUGH KMu and ABe do another walk off and this viewer shakes it out. Jillian is not sure she "gets" Tannest's obsession, as he tells her that his biggest turnoff is "ugly feet." Wwant to know what defines ugly. Por ejemplo, pretty but sweaty? Unsweaty but unpolished?

We never do learn the answer to these burning questions, as David RR Trucker is yelling at Ed to stop interrupting him and doing the drunk-man blink where the eyelids are going in relay instead of in tandem. Ed observes that David seems "a little" unstable and we heart Ed a little more. But David is yelling at the boys in the kitchen to "keep away from" him as he slams ice into his glass. He rages at a pack of boys about "JuanyOnly acting like he's too good for us and he doesn't hang out with the rest of us." Oh, well THAT is revealing. He orders JuanyOnly to get back inside when he comes out. David RR Trucker reiterates that he wants to "kill" JuanyOnly and orders him to stop being a "cheeseass."

We have determined that David wants to Tap That Cheeseass.

But the biggest surprise is Rosbo, who tells JuanyOnly that he "agrees with everything" that David has said. Dude, wtf.

And then . . . OMG OMG OMG there is a Person of Color on the set!! ABe has spotted her, like a wild giselle, stuck in the door in her ABC film gear and backpack like "oh hell these men are all batshit and oops here I am standing in the set during filming." That makes two, two POCs (ah ah ah): the limo driver and the soon-to-be-fired film crew person.

At last Miss J picks to go with Ed and Rosbo:
1. Jake (ooo, loopty loopty loop).
2. Reid!
3. Mark the pizza dude.
4. Jesse the winemaker.
5. Tannest (seriously?).
6. Wes the Tool (NOOO).
7. JuanyOnly.
8. b boy ("Bam!" says he).
9. Kiptyn.
10. Mike the Baller, and . . . . .
11. David RR Trucker (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). Who stumbles to the front and nearly loses his balance getting his rose, and then hugs Miss J a little too long in the end.

Brad and Tanner #1 get the boot. Though we don't like Brad Coldsore Finance, we admit that he has a point when he says that guys like Tannest and Wes (and some other dude) have got nothing to offer. As for Brad, he will be a "drifter." He will roam the world, never settling down. Whatever.

Stay tuned for next week, when talk of secret girlfriends comes to a boil and David RR Trucker gets denied for a kiss. (oooo).

KLo

And also,