Miss J, Eh Part 4: T & A (You've got em, hey, Top to Bottom, hey)

Part 4 begins with exciting news: The boys are leaving the bunkhouse for . . . Vancouver! Somebody will have to help Wes with his shoes, since it looks like he's wearing a Snuggie. At any rate, though there will be one group date, one 2:1 date, and one 1:1 date (and a partridge in a pear tree), this news cannot mask the excitement. B boy, wrapped up in a hooded towel, says he is "not hungover anymore" due to the promise of his cross-boarder escape. David RR Trucker still looks drunk, in his open shirt and nastiness. We keep expecting foam at the mouth.

But then here we are in Vancouver at the Fairmont hotel (oo la la). First, we heart Jillian's dress, despite the belt and likely stealth shoulderpads. Second, the boys are all excited that they have a bathroom inside the hotel, and we realize the poor babies must not have traveled much. At any rate, Rosmo is all stressed about time with the J. But JuanyOnly, that sly dog, is hoping for a 1:1 because he thinks he can really "shine" and "come out of his skin and show her what I'm about." Okay, if JuanyOnly unzips himself to deposit an alien baby on Jillian's feet, we are done here.

Alas for JuanyOnly, date card #1 is for Kiptyn the business developer: "Let's cook up a little love, Vancouver-style." Jake, who has returned to our screen after a brief hiatus (damn you, ABC) is happy: "Finally, a girl that likes the nice guy. I don't know why girls go for the edgy bad guy." Jake gets a point for being excited about another dude's opportunity, but that point must be taken away for calling us "girls."

As Kiptyn and Jillian run towards each other on date #1, we think "this could work" and then "oh hell no" with the babydoll jacket she has foist upon us. We did not spend three years in high school trying to make the babydoll Work For Us only to see its return 15 years later. But soon we are in kayaks racing towards a bridge on the way to the market and omg omg omg OMG Kiptyn look out for that boat! We are stressed as Kiptyn nearly gets Taken Out by the ferry before Miss J can make her signature "peahsta sauce."

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, a bird is roosting on top of a pink tree on Tannest's shirt, and we just do not know what to think. Surely he would have gotten this from his 'tween sister, straight from the pages of Delia's magazine and sized 16x just for him. Untroubled by his ensemble, he is looking forward to there being only "top notch guys" left. Jacques el Piloto concurs: "She doesn't want a leach. She wants a man." Yes, unfortunately, those can be the two alternatives.

Unfortunately, Tannest's shirt proves to be foreshadowing, Kiptyn and Jillian continue their date with talk of charities and "giving back" and feed dirty nasty birds by hand before rubbing the same hands all up and down each others' faces in a kiss. They then go to the market, which we covet, and then back to her place to COOK with those hands: pasta, homemade sauce, and a touch of bird. Both of them are in her apron as she plates the food.

This, babies, is "every girl's dream. For her to be in the kichen and sort of hot and flustered because she's SO worried if the meal will turn out right or wrong and her guy comes and kisses her on the neck."

Right, Miss J, that's MY dream too. Only it starts with him in the kitchen.

But Kiptyn and Jillian, gentle readers, are filling out their online dating profiles as we speak. His biggest turn on? Spontanaity. What she looks for in a guy? A big heart, loving, sense of humor, and "physically, go look in the mirror." As they look like they are about to start the lamaze classes, so close together they are in their cross-leggedness, he confides that one of his flaws is that he doesn't tend to pursue people, and so he's generally been stuck dating only those people who have come to him. We think that's sort of interesting of him.

And then . . oh oh oh, she has the biggest papasan chair for two ever!! Though we are now in the paleofuton era, we heart this chair and think fondly of our days in which le papasan was the only furniture we owned. As they cuddle up and look out at the stars, Miss J gives another incredibly long speech and hands him the safety rose. He will live to fight another day! KMu, however, cannot get past his "hungry hungry hippo tongue" with its darting marble-searchingness as he gives her a Kiss of Thankfulness. And now we cannot get past that image, either.

So . . . we trot off to date #2 with Jesse the winemaker (who, unlike his beverage, will not age well), Tannest, Jake the Pilot, Rosmo, Wes the Tool, Ed the IT guy, B boy, Reid, JuanyOnly, and David RR Trucker. "Who can sweep me off my feet?" quoth the card. They are going CURLING, babies. We are so excited for this date, as we have wanted to curl since obtaining a Canadian quarter with a person curling in a wheelchair (which is completely badass). The boys are divided into the blue team and the red team, with a Shocking Twist: Only the winning team gets to continue on this date! Game on, babies. GAME ON.

JuanyOnly is confident: "Curling is about flexibility, balance, and touch, and I got all three." We suspect he is one pas de bourree away from proving it and are glad for whomever asks Reid if his "husband curls too." LOL. Jake the Pilot, however, can't trash talk to save his life: "I look forward to saying goodbye to the guys on our way out the door to hang out with Jillian." But we are getting really tired of b boy, who yelled the names of everyone going on this date after they were announced, piggybacked into the ice rink on the back of some dude, and is all "Yo Blue Team COHME ON" like a yorkie. According to him: "Jillian looked so hot today. Sweatshirt. Spandex. Whoa. WHOA." Tonight, on a very special episode of Blossom, Joey will learn to breakdance. At least b boy manages to "keep J warm" with the hugs during this sporting moment, thereby being the smartest person on part 1 of this date.

In the end, Jesse the winemaker totally wins the day for the red team: "I put my head into it and I put the stone in the circle."

That's what she said.

As blue team goes home to lick their wounds, red team goes on the Yellowfin fishing boat to eat some lobster and hang out. KMu and this viewer gasp . . . and then rewind to see the brown sweater molded onto Jake the Pilot. Oh, he is a cheese tartlet of yum. All too soon we are treated to a giant bucket of lobster being served by a boat person, Mr. Nips, followed shortly by some 1:1 times.

Yay! Jake gets 1:1 time first! Only, crisis. They go all Captain and Tennille at the steering thingy, as Miss J dons a hat and Jake tells her that their date "made his year, his life." But will love, love keep them together? He tells Miss J that he has got a lot of flaws, but a "lot" of his exes think that he's "too perfect." He's been labeled as "too perfect his whole life." Hm, doctor's kid, anyone? She informs him that he can be himself, and he suddenly "doesn't know what she is looking for anymore" and admits to taking a big mental step back. Jake don't be a weenie-tot.

1:1 goes better with Jesse the winemaker (who will not age well). Except that he kisses like a suction cup/guppy/deatheater. Meanwhile, Jacques is asking DAVID RR TRUCKER "Do you think I'm too perfect?" And we are glad we are sitting down, as David says something lucid: "Girls (boo) like to be challenged a little. And I think that when you are so perfect, it may seem like you can't challenge them."

But predictably, David lives up to his toolish self in his 1:1 time. Ooooo, he "feels like there is a good connection" with Jillian. He thinks there is attraction between them, but "when J wears her hair like that" there is a "lot more." Especially in the spandex. Which is the "perfect outfit." Because her "ass is phenomenal." And lest she didn't hear it the first time, her "ass is hot." And also, Miss J should, and "probably does," "look at her ass all the time in the mirror." And also, he is content to just walk behind her and look at her "ass in the spandex." He loves that's she's so comfortable . . . look at her, with her "tit hanging out" of her shirt. And, after all of this, he THEN goes in for the kiss. Followed by the biggest dodge on Season Miss J.
David RR T: "I don't get a kiss?"
Miss J: "Not after the word 'tit.'"
David RR T: " Everybody's got a kiss so I want one. All of the guys I've talked to in the house have told me they've gotten to kiss you multiple times. If I don't get a kiss, I feel like I'm not going to get a rose. Now I'm in a weird spot because I've never been turned down for a kiss before. Why wouldn't you want a kiss after the word 'tit?' If the roles were reversed, I would have totally kissed you."

Let's see, how many ways could Mr. Veruca "I want a golden egg and I want one now!" possibly insult Miss J in the span of three minutes?
1. My attraction to you depends on how you wear your hair.
2. You should totally be pleased that I would rather walk behind you and look at your "ass" and talk about your "tits" in one of our first 1:1 times together than actually learn about you.
3. You are loose, kissing everyone.
4. You are a prude, refusing to kiss me.
Oh wait . . . .he just pulled on the neckline of her blouse. That's right:
5. I think I'll grope you now.

Big D thinks that Miss J "set him up and then turned the cheek" and that really all she is doing is "challenging him" instead of telling him he is a GIANT TOOL. He "loves it." Love it no longer, Big D, because you just bought your ticket home.

Jesse the winemaker gets the safety rose on date #2, and soon we are off to date #3 with Mark the Pizza Guy and Mike the Baller. We don't really understand how this could even be a close choice, but apparently Miss J is at a draw. We like Mike the Baller's attitude (even if he is 28 and therefore undateable): "I am on a 1:1 date with Jillian and Mark is just a curve." They ride off in the helicopter together, with Mike sitting between Jillian and Mark, and then reappear for dinner at a mountain top ski resort, where Mike toasts and describes all of the reasons why he is attracted to Miss J, as Mark sits awkwardly. Except we're not really sure he is listening to her, as Miss J says she would not be okay if she didn't find a partner, followed by "You seem so confident, like you don't need anyone" from The Baller.

Of course, Mark's contribution to the conversation is "I would be content by myself and almost didn't do this whole thing. Really, there's a 50/50 chance on me going to Alaska with my dog right this very second." Poor Mark, he feels as guarded on this date as "a quarterback behind a whole line of defensive men." Um, Mark, that would mean you're about to get sacked.

The Baller continues his assault on the gates of Miss J. To the tune of EZ listening, Mike wants a wife. If he ended up with Miss J, he knows he could make her happy, care for her, provide for her. "So," sayeth KMu, "he is a hunter/gatherer." "Him and me have a lot more in common than I thought," ponders Miss J. What, like bad grammar?

The 1:1 with Mark the pizza guy is a Tale of Woe. He has had a couple relationships that have made it hard for him to do this, one that was long-term and "though not confirmed," believes involved cheating on the woman's end. But he talks of feeling in love and getting his heart broken, so we all know that that Miss J is going to Eat That Up.

And . . . she does. In a huge twist, Miss J sends Mike the Baller down from the mountaintop in a gondola, giving Mark the pizza guy the safety rose in his place! He tells her she deserves to be happy and says all the right things, but we are distracted by the gondola and the ricketiness and wonder how ABC is going to send the next boy home? Rickshaw? Camel? Moped? Back at the ranch, b boy is all "WHOA" (shocker) when The Baller's luggage is picked up for his flight home. We are more distracted by the dickey he is wearing. We once wore those, in Jr. High, until we realized that changing for gym class might be awkward. True Story.

And we have come once again full circle to the Rose Ceremony, my viewing companions. We love Miss J's dress, which is all spangly with mesh trimmings. We have all manner of 1:1 times here, first with Reid who we are liking more and more (in part because it takes a bold and blind man to wear glasses on this show). Reid admits to cliqueyness in the house and states that she would have a different view of the guys if she had a candid camera of them into the house, but neatly sidesteps her question as to whether she would like Wes or him more by wanting to kiss her. Oh, she will not bestow a kiss until he asks her something "random." "Who was your first crush?" Apparently, a boy named Vincent who wrote a song for her. Let us guess: "You sa - - -a-y. You say, that love, it don't come e- e-e-a-say."

Our first crush was a boy named GHu, who was the Main Target of this viewer's affection in the BCC (Boy Chasing Club), headquarted in this viewer's closet after the cardboard spaceship in our room became too cramped.

ANYWAY, we project rage back in time to Vincent, the likely source of Wes sticking around today. For Wes the Tool is laying it on thick with the "I have a whole lotta love to give" and the "I've only had three girlfriends in my entire life and have never cheated" and "I'm ready to relax, be at home with you and the kids" even if he makes the "Big Time." We are so skeezed right now that we do not mind the heckling boys from inside the house.

Speaking of, the boys are becoming frantic in their desire to Tell Jillian The Truth. In this, we heart Ed for persistently telling them that Jillian can figure out her own mind. And also Jacques el piloto, for telling her basically that he's a good guy, and that if she's looking for something else she needs to let him know, as there is also a "room full of boys" for her to choose from. But Tannest, o o o Tannest tells Miss J that there is someone with a Dark Secret in their midst. And that someone has a girlfriend (*cough*Wes*cough).

Miss J is traumatized. And, because this part annoys us, we are going to make it brief: Miss J refuses to have a cocktail party. She wants to know who has a girlfriend so that they can just go home and stop playing her affections. She will Turn This Car Around, Misters. Except she doesn't. So then we have an eon of everyone denying it and no one saying anything except that they are "pissed" at the person who has "ruined it for all" -- except David, who is pissed at whomever broke the Man Code by "snitching" on the other men. Wow, hizza Goth. Hizza Visigoth. Finally, Chris Harrison pops up with a "thanks for your honesty, men," and "so that we're clear, you are all here for Jillian," and they begin the rose ceremony. ARGH. There was no honesty to be had, and also WTF.

And she picks, to join Kiptyn, Jesse, and Mark:
1. Reid (yay).
2. Rosmo
3. Ed the IT guy
4. B boy
5. Wes (JuanyOnly starts to cry but masks it well behind 'oh my eyeball is really itchy')
6. Jacques el piloto
7. Tannest!

JuanyOnly and David are going home! Well, we all knew the later was coming. JuanyOnly wishes Miss J well, but David wants to know "Why?" Seriously, dude? Miss J delicately says that she "didn't think it was right," which he hears as "she couldn't tell me why."

And finally, we are done. Stay tuned for next week, when the group becomes a bit more manageable.

KLo