Miss J, Eh Part 6: Come on Ride the Train (Choo Choo Ride It).

That's right, Miss J Eh Part 6 starts off with the announcement that the boys and Miss J are taking a little train sojourn across British Columbia and parts of Alberta! B boy's goal is to get a "private car and some smoochy smochiness." Tannest has never been to Canada OR ridden on a train. But Miss J has taken it to heart that she is a lumberjack and she's okay: because what better to go with blue stretch pants and ginormous earings than a brown-belted red flannel shirt. But suddenly, we don't care about Miss J's ability to a saw a log because good lord, what is that awful noise?

"WEl. Come. To ThE. RoCky. MountanEer. En. Joy. the RIde," says a disembodied voice from nowhere. Wait a minute, that is Alex Trebek! Only, "it's like if ALex Trebek and a Speak-N-Spell had a child," says KMu.

And licketysplit we are off to date #1, which happens ON the train with Rosmo. He tries to teach her bartending tricks. His motto for tonight is "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can get a rose." She takes him to the caboose, where he says he is "on the right track." Rage. RAGE. Although eating dinner on their laps, Miss J is concerned that he is only ready for a serious relationship and not all the things that come with it. Is he, in short, the little engine that can? (see we can do it too).

Gentle readers, Rosmo is "kinda inbetween jobs right now" (which is really bad if the dude is a bartender). But don't worry, for:
"Love has no age."
"Love has no job."
"Love can certainly happen at any time."
Jillian is like "um, let's go downstairs." KMu secretly out-loud wishes that ABC would send two of the bachelors up to the roof of the train where they can duel for a rose as a bridge fast approaches, a la James Bond. There can BE only one survivor. The other one . . . not so much. But alas, going "downstairs" only means going to Miss J's boudoir, which includes a horrifying day bed all wrapped in red mosquito netting and OMG IT'S THE KITTY.

The Kitty from Season Big Daddy has been draped over the bed and covered in chinese checkers-like pillows. Rosmo lays J down upon said Kitty and worries out loud about how nervous he gets around her. And then: uh oh. There is a poor helpless little chipmunk in the track of the immediately approaching train. Is this foreshadowing? We think yes. As Rosmo and Miss J drink ice wine, she rushes through her prepared speech: "IfeelsoYoungAroundYoubutareYouReadyforMore?" And that's right, babies: Rosmo gets the Axe. As he is dumped unceremoniously in the Canadian wilderness for being under 30 (and therefore undateable. Good girl, Jilly), the remaining boys/hens all teeter to the window to watch. B boy, in his Members Only leather jacket, starts to CRY: "this is where it gets real. The dam has broke. The floods are coming." Did B boy have a bromance with Rosmo?

We will never know, as West the Tool is now sneaking up on Miss J while she sleeps with her face perilously close to the Kitty and all Big Daddy/Molly nastiness associated therewith. Says Wes to the camera: "Right now, at this stage of the game, if there's anyone here with a hidden agenda, it's probably me. Because I've been workin' on an album for over a year. I've worked really hard in my life to get to where I am. I've got nothin to lose, and everything to gain. I just slip right back into Jillian Mode." Ew EW and no no nooooo!

But Miss J is all glad that Wes the T. came to visit her, as she was feeling rough about informing Rosmo that his ticket had expired. She sighs of safe and happiness around Wes, and laments that there aren't enough jerks (so it's harder than she thought to let boys go). "I dunno," says Wes. "You might want to stick around longer. There's a few." And then: "I just want more time with you."

Of COURSE you do, fucknut. Because then you get more on-air time too. Reading this viewer's mind, Wes crapweasel ratfink tool says to the camera: "The fame I get from this [he starts touching himself. ew.] . . . it's almost like I taste it. I eat it. It comes inside of me and becomes a part of me. No doubt this is gonna help me. I'm gettin' excited. I got records to sell. I'm a [bleep] hidden agenda [bleep] here. I'll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger."

You know, we feel the indignation, except not so much. Because if Miss J is dumb enough to keep this toolbox around, then really, she deserves him.

In any event, as the boys are eating breakfast with Miss J, she explains that letting Rosmo go "broke a little piece of my heart." Okay, Janis, so what was last night: Me and Bobby McGee? Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, babies. But what better way to assuage the pain of Rosmo's demise than . . a group date with B boy, Tannest, Jesse the winemaker, Jacques el Piloto, and Kiptyn! "Next stop, Rocky mountain romance!" says the date card. We don't really care anymore, as this means that Reid gets the last 1:1 date, rah rah rah!

"NExt. StoP. EmEralD laKe." says Speak-N-Spell Trebek as the boys all pile out for some snowshoeing adventures. Tannest, my babies, grabs snowshoes to match Jillian's little red hoody and helps her put them on because he "just wants to get closer to those feet. Unfortunately, they were in boots, but anything I can do . . . " Damn, Tannest.

Oh! They decide to play hide-n-seek in the woods. "Hey, let's dig a foxhole and pretend we're getting bombed by the Nazis" says KMu. While we are not at all excited about hide and seek, Jake finds Miss J and "slips in a little cuddle" [insert wooden chuckle]. Okay, we are starting to feel very put off by El Piloto, which is confusing as he is so very yummy if only he would not open his mouth. As for her take on their little "cuddle," Miss J opines that "snow is forgiving. You can do ANYTHING in the snow." We wonder what they did, exactly.

As the boys play, Reid wanders the train alone, asking the staff what he should wear and say on his pending date with Miss J. We heart Reid. And also, we disagree with the woman who said no glasses on the date because we think your glasses are h.o.t. That is all.

Finally done with the snowshoes, the group date people all go to The Lodge. Oh oh oh, Jake is "really falling for this girl." So he tells her what every woman wants to hear: "You remind me of my mother. I think that's why I'm so comfortable around you. You are just so nurturing." Ahahhahahaa, and the Darwin Award goes to Jake.

Blah blah we have some more 1:1 times and then B boy wants to know what Miss J wears when she sleeps. "He is SO that guy from Jr. High," says ABe. Next, we're all going to play spin the bottle, followed by Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board, and then ABe is going to put KMu's hand in warm water so that she pees her sleeping bag. But the boys all twitter when Miss J says her underwear and/or tanktop, depending on how much she's had to drink. In response, B boy admits that he always must have an article of clothing on, even if it's just his shorts on one leg.

Wait a minute, is b boy a NeverNude?

And then: Tannest announces that he "could show" Miss J what she sleeps in. This, my dears, is the Point of No Return (no pun intended). Tannest drops trou to display what he describes as "panties" and then does a fair imitation of paddle ball, with the ricocheting flip-floppityness of a heated battle between bits vs. pelvic region. Miss J doesn't know where to look. WE cannot look away. "I'm not ready to see the package, even though it was huge," says Miss J.

So of course Tannest gets 1:1 time on THE KITTY and its biracial friend, Kitty #2. Okay, seriously, does ABC have a Kitty Handler? Like, "we lost all the pillars and drapery in a wild votive fire, but don't worry, because Otis (the handler) has the Kitty in his room?" We debate the merits of this theory, the presence of the Mixed Kitty, and sing Ebony and Ivory until ABe says "Listen, we just have to get through this." We all take a drink and then:

Tannest opens up a tube of lotion and starts massaging Jillian's feet on The Kitty. "Her feet are ridiculous. They are the closest thing to perfection I have seen, and I have critiqued a LOT of feet. "
Miss J: "And then, I really am looking for a partn. . . "
Tannest: "Your feet are softer than shit." (let's think about this).
Says Tannest to the camera: "High arches. Painted toenails. No awkward shaped toes. I've rated The Feet at a 9 to 9 1/2. If she painted them Mango Mango, they would be a 10." Yes, babies, he knows the names of nail polishes. And then:
"Now that I've felt how soft her feet are, I am ready for her to meet my family."

We are Walking It Off as Jesse the Winemaker and Miss J have another date on The Kitty & Kitty #2 (why WHY?). We don't really remember what is said here except that he appears normal in comparison and states that he would really like to take her to Carmel. "Wait," say we, "is he from Indiana?" And we are instantly corrected that Jesse the W is from CarMEL, Ca, and not Carmel, IN. Oh. That's fancity. Blah blah 1:1 time with b boy goes much the same. We don't really hear what they are saying, however, because we are too busy salivating with ABe over the s'mores that Miss J and b boy are making.

As this little tete-a-tete is transpiring, Tannest reveals to the boys in the Lodge that HE was the one to tell Miss J that someone has a girlfriend. Wes goes all defensive: "I can't stand a tattle tale. I can't STAND it. I keep other people's names out of my mouth." blahdy blah. Of course, he then admits "I don't give a fuck. I already made it 6 shows already. I've already sung my song that I wrote for Jillian. Frickin' serenaded her with it. I got what I wanted. If I can get a little publicity, I can haul ass. Or I can stay on the show a little longer and try to get the girl."

"He is an awful human," says Tannest. We secretly think the last laugh is on Wes: While it is true that he has gotten exposure, it is also true that everyone now knows his songs suck.

Okay, so Jake tries to confess his love to Miss J by starting out with "there are a couple of things he hasn't been honest about," (dude, save yourself), and then everyone jumps in the hot-tub for 5 minutes so that Kiptyn can get the Safety Rose, for reasons we are not really sure. Then off we go to the last 1:1 date with Reid, sans glasses (boo) at Lake Louise.

We are excited that our auntie has a lake named after her, and also feeling somewhat complacent at this point, so we don't think much about this date. Reid snowboards with Miss J to her everlasting delight, because he is apparently a good skiier but novice snowboarder. They have drinks in an ice-sculpted lounge, which would be deadly for this viewer as she would want to lick the table. And, they eat meat fondue (ooo! We just did that for the first time too!) ON THE KITTY as Reid freaks out about the raw meat touching raw meat and the length of time said meat has been standing. Between this viewer and yourselves, we would be more freaked about the Kitty. But regardless, germophobes need love too. Joyously, he gets the rose.

At last we come to our final destination: Banff. Looking very rough around the edges, Chris Harrison meets the group and hauls Miss J away for a little analysis: Oh, she doesn't even think Wes knows how to lie, so genuine is he! Oh, Jake is so perfect! Oh, Tannest focuses too much on the other guys and not enough on them when they talk! Oh, b boy is so young.

We try to care except what we really want is the rose ceremony, which seems to be taking place in the middle of the day. But when it happens, we cannot decide if we like Miss J's dress, which is short and black and satiny on top but then all sequins on the bottom. And also, has a outlying zipper down the back "like a wetsuit" says PMu (who has resurfaced from hiding outside). In any event, Miss J is not ready! She stands before the men, hesitates, and then pulls b boy into the hall. Is he really ready, she questions him? And he Dances For His Life: "I am not a guy who needs to know a lot of girls. I have not had a 1 night stand. I don't do that. I don't need that to find the woman I love. I always wanted to be a young dad." Okay, 10,000 points for using the W word, and also, that was kind of sweet.

And it saves the day!! To join Kiptyn and Reid with roses, she picks:
1. Jesse. You know, we are going to climb into the television and shave that damn scrotee.
2. WES. (NOOOOO). And,
3. B boy.

omg omg OMG, Tannest and Jake the Pilot go home! Poor Tannest "knows she would have not let him rub her feet" if she was put off by his fetish. And Jake, in probably the most unguarded moment he has had to date, says that "golly," he cannot believe how many times he has seen this happen. That Miss J has a dangerous guy. A young guy. A flimsy guy in there. And that if she is not careful, she will Get Hurt. He is Tired of Always Finishing Last. Oh!

Stay tuned for next week, babies, when the boys take Miss J home to meet their families (except Wes, who takes her to meet his band).

KLo