Miss J, Eh Part Finale: Rush, Rush

In the words of our girl R.Flack, Toniiiiiight, we celebrate our looooove for the Bachelorette. As we toast with champagne, ABe tosses the feather boa she has worn for this occasion over her shoulder and we brace ourselves for the onslaught of faux Coldplay music forming the background of Jillian's recap of the two men she is left with: Kiptyn and Ed. We are on the Big Island, Hawaii, babies, and Jillian is so proud of herself for "slaying enough dragons" to reach these men. "Stop telling yourself that reality television is a necessary step to finding love," demands KMu. And also, stop wearing racerback silk be-shelled tank tops.

So first up: Ed. As he reunites with Jillian, he confesses "The last time we were together was a little . . . emotional." Sayeth KMu: "And by emotional, I mean. . . [ drooping stamen][rushing waves]. But instead of bringing flowers to meet her family, Ed has brought a pile of rushes. Maybe he is going to make a basket to float Jillian down the river? We realize later that this is a stack of grass skirts. But here we are with mom Peggy (in a ginormous pink flowered mumu top), Dad Glenn, grandma Margery (who wanted to sell Jillian to the icelanders in season Big Daddy), and cousin Tori. Says Margery: "Oh, he's quite good looking, eh?"

And then, Jillian encourages Ed to "tell his story." "Well, it was a dark and stormy night," we helpfully begin. But Ed will not play along. "I was married . . . . to my job," says he. Damn. We were secretly hoping he would say a la Big Daddy, "I was married . . . .and then my wife discovered the girls' lacrosse coach." But Ed knew he liked Jillian "a ton" broke down when he got home, realized he had made a mistake, and blah blah we know this story The End.

Peggy must ask Ed her 66 questions (we love Peggy), to which ABC only allows us to know three responses: he wants 3 children, he wants to be retired in Hawaii 30 or 40 years from now, and he thinks that "honesty and love" is the glue that will make a marriage last. No, honey, the real glue is separate bathrooms and separate bank accounts. But we suppose he will learn that soon enough.

Ed fairs better in his 1:1 with Glenn, in which Ed declares his undying love for Miss J and asks Glenn what his thoughts are regarding marrying Jillian. "I would be doing somersaults," says Ed, "I am ready for my daughter to be married." Translation courtesy of KMu: "It's about fucking time."

In the end, Glenn, Tori, and Miss J dance around in coconut bras and grass skirts. We are a little scarred by this, but not enough to stop watching.

And it's date #2 with Kiptyn! But we watch in horror as he proceeds to suck Jillian's brain out through her mouth. Okay, so when this viewers grandmother was a little girl, she told a boy on the tandem swing that she could tell what he had for breakfast, so close was his face to hers.
"What?" said he.
"Eggs" said she.
"No, that was yesterday," said he.
And as Kiptyn cleans Miss J's teeth, we are fairly certain he has accumulated a working knowledge of the muffin, egg, and iceberg lettuce that Miss J has consumed in the last 24 hours. "Mmm, is that raisin oatmeal?" we expect him to ask. But no, instead Kiptyn pays Miss J a compliment: "Ooo, you're shiny!"

Off to grandmother's (and parents and cousins') house we go for some deep conversation about how both Kiptyn and Jillian thought the other was so goodlooking that they got completely nervous upon meeting. This is soon followed by the Peggy Shakedown, in which Jillian's mom (in a green and blue version of the Pink Mumu Top) discovers that Kiptyn does not know how many children that he wants, believes communication is #1 ("or pretty close to it") in making a marriage work, and that he is "excited" and "optimistic" about Miss J because she has "so much laughter." But dah dah DUM in the 1:1 with Glenn, Dad must ask Kiptyn whether the Kipper loves his daughter. "I'm I'm I'm getting there," Kiptyn stammers. "She has this zest for life, this passion. She makes me better. I hope to make her better." We learn subsequently that this is the "dawning moment" in which Kiptyn realizes that he actually hearts Miss J, and not just as a friend. Except he doesn't actually say this to Glenn. And also, we are unconvinced. But Kiptyn is guppy-sucking Miss J's face off AGAIN and we must look away, so we really don't know what happened after that.

In the Aftermath of the boys' visits, Miss J asks her family what they think. Tori, heavily pulling for Kiptyn, stresses that he has a "unique love of people and life. It's so similar to you," whereas Ed is more "well-rounded, professional, and work 'orientated.'" Peggy is also "drawn to Kiptyn's energy." But Glenn, for the home team, says that he didn't have to ask Ed whether he loved Miss J, for he Laid It All On The Line. Yet in 1:1 time with Tori (who is actually pulling off a tube top and palazzo pants, damn her), emphasizes that Kiptyn is "really falling for" Miss J. Oh, Miss J feels the passion is there with Kiptyn, but will Ed be able to Stand And Deliver, so to speak? Poor Miss J, she is looking for her "best friend," but hoping for a lightening bolt to hit her and tell her who to pick. We think a better strategy would be for said bolt to hit one of her suitors, thereby making up Miss J's mind for her.

And at last, it is the Last Supper for Ed. We thank god that he knows how to kiss, except that said kiss-ability is totally equalized by the low cut tank top and pink button down that he is wearing. As Miss J picks Ed up in a range rover, the following witty reparte ensues:
"I think you're beautiful."
"No, I think YOU'RE beautiful."
"No you hang up."
"No YOU hang up."
"I can totally still hear you breathing!!!"

Oh, the metaphores are rampant as Jillian and Ed lift off in a chopper to fly over a smouldering volcano. Ed is "pumped." And then, the happy couple goes to a flowing waterfall deep deep in the rainforest. Oh, the rushing water. Oh, the sweaty, steamy humidity. Oh oh OH MY GOD IS JILLIAN'S HAIR ON FIRE? We think M.Jackson (R.I.P.) and Pepsi and Stop, Drop, and Roll before realizing that it's just the tiki torch (emitting its whispy smoke up, up into the welcoming, warm atmosphere) over Ed's shoulder as he kisses Jillian.

Later that night, Ed emphasizes that he would "never leave [Miss J] again."
"At least not for Microsoft," sayeth ABe. And then "hit me," as she drains her champagne.
But Ed is giving Miss J "so many reasons to think he is The One" on this night. They have "amazing chemistry. . . But the puzzle isn't finished yet. There are still some missing pieces." And then, as we fade away from the bed and the (thankfully) decent kissing occuring thereon, Ed confesses his love, and that he wants to be with her forever, and that he LOVES HER. Oh!!!! The "last piece of the puzzle is there," concludes Miss J, and then . . . gushing waterfall, erupting volcano!

"Rush, Rush, I wanna see ya -- Get free with me!!!!" sings KMu. When KMu's sister, KHu was young, she thought this song was really about childbirth: "Push, push, I can feel it, I can feel you all through me." And you know, we think this makes sense. And also, we hope that Miss J and Ed are maintaining an, er, adequate barrier between Paula Abdul and KHu's versions of this song. That is all.

But we are not done, because here comes Kiptyn in a speedboat for his Last Supper as well. He has finally realized that it is "time to tell her how he's feeling." Oh, we would like to feel him as well, as he rises from the water and we see surf board . . . arms . . . 12 pack stomach. . . little chicken legs. KMu would like to lop off Kiptyn's bottom half. "Pan Pan Greek God Pan. One half goat and the other half man" sings ABe. We have decided that we are Cutting ABe off from the champagne, except we never really manage to accomplish this because Miss J is wearing a cotton ruffled formal shorts romper, and all we can feel is rage.

Blah blah Kiptyn paddleboards around with Miss J chip-clipped around his waist. They have a picnic. Brain sucking guppy kisses and we must look away. Sunset. . . and then here we are at the Mauna Kia resort, where Abe wants to know, "Are they gonna have relations?" All we know is this: Kiptyn is making some pretty weak statements, compared to Ed. About all he can muster is an "I would be hurt if I lost you" and a dramatic "I am falling in love with you. Right now, you and me, let's do this." Blah.

At then, it is the rose ceremony! Except Miss J thinks it is her wedding day. And while we think her dress is lovely, is it really necessary to up the ante any more by appearing in a wedding dress Miss J? As Jillian climbs into this poorly planned get up, we see Kiptyn and Ed making their Pilgrim's Progress up the a long, winding staircase to a small tower office to . . . pick out an engagement ring from Neil Lane. Says Mr. Lane, "This is the most nervous time for a man." We can say with certainty, "not for Ed."

And then here is our thing (all of us): This rings are really ugly and too big for Miss J's hand (though hands down not as ugly as the ring Big Daddy picked during his Reign of Terror). Kiptyn goes first, selecting a square layer cake of diamonds, and we demand that he loses due to Poor Taste. And then Ed . . . Ed picks out an upside-down tear drop with this sort of echo-effect of diamonds. ABe instantly changes her vote from Ed to Kiptyn as the likely winner based upon ring choice alone.

But the moment has arrived. As Miss J walks the plank (literally) across a pool see which man is fool enough to join her on the adjacent platform, the first limo drives up and it's . . . KIPTYN! YAY!!! He tells her that he is "ready for the journey" (everybody drink), wants children, marriage, and (unconvincingly) says he loves her. But as he prepares to propose, she stops him and says that she is falling in love with someone else! DOUBLE YAY!!! As he drives off in the limo having been denied, he claims it "hurts real bad right now." Except we don't quite believe him. In fact, we think he is secretly relieved.

But as Miss J is preparing for Ed to arrive and declare his undying love, a minivan pulls up and out comes . . REID. Oh, the drama. "You don't have much time, for Ed is on his way," whispers Chris Harrison fervently. Clearly, Reid already knows this, as he has both neglected to tuck in his shirt and forgotten to change his tennis shoes for something more appropriate with a suit.

Miss J is shocked as Reid comes towards her. He declares his love, blah blah "I'm an idiot," and she says she wishes he would have gotten his act together sooner (for "him and I had an undescribable love.") and because we like Reid we make this short: She dumps him (after 15 minutes of heavy sighing filler footage by ABC).

At last, here is Ed. And he "better not disappoint," says Miss J. And he doesn't! He is also the Smartest Proposer on the Bachelor Ever, in this viewers mind, because after declaring that he loves her, he says that he needs to know that she loves him before "going any further." We like your moves, Ed. Miss J of course confesses that she is "madly" in love with him, and he proposes to her with a "I just want to you to be there to give me a hard time when I am 80 years old," she flings her legs around him, and we are done . . . except for the Music Video that ABC has created of their "journey" (everybody drink).

In their exit interview, Miss J says life is "funner" with Ed and then corrects herself that "'funner' isn't a word, is it."

At last, our work has been done.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, babies, in which we learn whether Ed and Miss J are still together After the Final Rose.

KLo