Miss J, Eh Part 10: The Men Tell All (Please Make it Stop)

Well, last night was a Very Special and Most Dramatic Birthday Ever here at the BNU. We arrived at the Mus household with our block of cheese (read: dinner) to be surprised by fancity snacks, and . . . a cheesecake by our very own ABe. As we shed a tear of love for our friends, we thought back to just last week, when we were wandering the halls at work with an errant panty ho falling down around our ankle and erroneously unzipped pants. Even though we look homeless most of the time, our friends still love us. So thank you, dear friends. We love you too. Very Much.

Sadly, we do not love the Men Tell All, which is the biggest bloated pig ever to float down the river behind ABC's offices. As the teasers begin for this episode, ABe starts screaming "AughIt'sMolly!!MollywhowillNotAgeWell!!" Brace yourselves, babies, 'cause The Eyes are comin' back.

But first we must start with a pre-taped interview with Jillian that for some reason we came to a Live Studio Audience to see. "Let's start in the very beginning" (a very good place to start), suggests Chris Harrison. KMu and I agree that "the beginning" would technically be with Miss J getting dumped by Big Daddy, but Chris Harrison believes it is the first rose ceremony season Miss J. Okay so, she runs down the guys:
Tannest: "If the worst thing I have to deal with is someone wanting to suck my feet, I'll take it." [add present and clean and we will take it too, we suppose.]
David RR Trucker: "I hope he learns from seeing his behavior on television."
Ed: [okay we don't hear this part because of the rush of love in our ears and also because ABC changes camera angle to over Miss J's ear and exposes the GINORMOUS WHITE BRA hanging out of her dress. We are instantly confused, as we are pretty sure Miss J does not need a bra, ginormous or otherwise.].
Kiptyn: "Seeing him on the ropes course totally told me he's not perfect." And also, the couple that Nairs together fairs "good" together.
Wes: "There was something I was attracted to that I couldn't let go. OMG, the country singer with tattoos who also wants a family AND to sit around the fire and drink beer?? . . . Oh, but no no I am totally no interested in the bad boy. . . I just fell for his song." [ Is he killing you softly Jillian, IS HE? Because we are not impressed. ]

But then, as we go back to the Live Show, we are momentarily mesmerized by Chris Harrison's tie. It is drawing us in and we cannot look away. Is it rubenesque baby faces? Redundant flowers? "Wow, it's a print on a pillow at Kiptyn's mom's house," says KMu and we know she speaks The Truth. But also, WTF is up with the two-tone bleached-blonde-and-whatever-dark-color-take-your-pick hair in the audience tonight? We saw this hair in the airport recently, adorning the top of a woman in head-to-toe "Barbie" gear and a hot pink french manicure. Her phone sang "Bringing Sexy Back" when she got a text. We secretly loved her, but that still didn't mean we had to accept her hair.

Oh oh oh, but back to the pre-taped filler. Now Chris Harrison is asking Jillian about something or other and she is recapping more moments. We are not sure if these are "funny" or "awkward" or what because our mouth is full of cheesecake but the only ones worth expending e-ink:
1. Jillian the Independent Woman saying that she will "take relationship advise from anyone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do." in a voice over as a Harlem Globetrotter advises her to ditch Kiptyn, keep David RR Trucker, and ditch JuanyOnly because Juanity invited the globetrotters to the house (of course he did), which is going in the wrong direction if Miss J is supposed to be eliminating guys from the house (or IS it?).
2. Our personal favorite, drunk Ed. "Whoa whoa atsa lot zeeswords youhthrowinata me." And then, he does a little dance. We love him.

But then, we come to a "serious, sweet moment" which is essentially Kiptyn showing Miss J his charity, Stand Up for Kids. Yes, Kiptyn takes care of street kids. Through a charity called SUFK. ("Doesn't that sound dirty?" KMu queries). And through this charity, he teaches them good (we are not making this up). ABe keeps repeating "He teaches street kids" over and over as we think Zoolander and how "showing her his charity" could be a fabulous euphemism and debating whether we can Go There given that charities and helping children are Good Things.

Anyway, our mind is not made up before we flash again to the studio audience and have our first Dude Sighting. As we all know, dudes are few and far between in the Tell All audience, but this year it appears that ABC has managed to scrounge up 1) the barely tolerant husband, 2) the new boyfriend who is afraid to say "no," 3) a gay couple, and 4) a long-haired man that KMu points out. Upon re-wind, oops, he is a she.

But we have bigger problems as it is MOLLY AND JASON. Molly is wearing a piece of belted seaweed and heavy eyeliner. "We were ripped to shreds in the media" says she, "and also, I will not age well." But Big Daddy says "we're a team now. The "M&M team [wtf?]. " But he continues, "And if our only way to be together was to go through all of that, then we had to do it." No, jackass, your FIRST opportunity to be together was to have PICKED HER INSTEAD OF MELISSA.

We suffer through a "lookback on their life together," which, a whole six months in, is still going "great." Okay, we are big proponents of the six-month yardstick, but we are unsure whether said stick can really be used here, as Molly continues to remain in Wisconsin and Big Daddy is in Seattle. But Molly vows that "I don't think anything could break us" and the couple talks so much about marriage that they elicit a cacophony of screams from The Local Viewing Audience as we all become convinced that ABC is going to whip out a chaplan. Though no wedding ensues, Big Daddy HAS started a website called "Jason's Place," which is a forum for single parents . . . who he provides with a trip to New Zealand. Again, WTF.

And then, Molly Goes There: "You know, Melissa's really happy right now, she's doing great. And I'm happy, so it all worked out in the end." Girl, you did NOT bring Melissa into this. Patting himself on the back, Big Daddy chimes in, "Yeah, if people have to point a finger at me and all that resulted was happiness, I'll take it." Speechless.

So, finally, we are ready for the Men to Tell All. As here's b boy!! Rosmo!! JuanyOnly!! Jesse!! That guy that looks exactly like an old boyfriend!!!! And . . . . . Jacques el Piloto. Reid is not able to make it due to a "prior commitment," and Wes, for obvious reasons, declined to show up.

Except . . . . this part is incredibly boring and can be summed up thusly: "Stone him. STONE HIM!!!!" So, because we can take artistic license, we highlight the positives of this ridiculously long and pointless exercise. We fall in love with b boy all over again, who admits that he "underestimated how much I would fall for Jillian" and then stands up for Jake when the other boys completely trash him: "I know that we're all in attack mode, but Jake would never say a bad thing about any of you."

Then, we have a dissertation on The Man Code by David RR Trucker: "The Man Code is . . . the Man Code. It's an unspoken set of rules. We don't have to talk about it [except me, who talks about it constantly]. For example, every guy has that girl. You don't sleep with that guy's girl." Blah blah all the 800 ways that JuanyOnly violated the man code:
1. Not drinking
2. Not hanging out with us.
3. Not sleeping with me, though I am hoping this awesome carpet I grew all over my face will tempt you more, my sweet Juan.
Of course, when David RR Trucker said he would "beat JuanyOnly's ass," he "didn't mean I wanted to kill him." Okay, we are done here. And also, check the tapes. But JuanyOnly, to his credit, sums it up nicely as "Being drunk and belligerent is not being a man." And then Jake, "Why waste a lot of energy on this alpha male shit. Where is Jillian in all of this."

Oh, but we are STILL NOT DONE.

David RR Trucker takes the "hot seat." He was a "huge frontrunner" in the beginning, according to Miss J, but there was "something a little too raw about him." Segue into a replay of all the "your ass looks great in that spandex" comments and variations thereof, followed by both the men AND the viewing audience telling David RR Trucker that dude, that is no way to compliment a woman. "Well," says he, "IF I offended her, that was not my intention." ' If?

So then, Jacques el Piloto. Oh oh oh our tummy does flips as we see the replay of his first date with Jillian and the Best Kiss Ever on Bachelor/ette History. But then, as he watches himself get denied a rose, Jake gets misty. "It wasn't Martina McBride, or the martinis, or any of the fluff on our first date," says he. "It was the girl" that roped him in. Oh! "I was falling in love with her. I loved everything I had seen about her. But when I finally got to see her again on the boat, I didn't know what to do." Ohhhh! Our heart crumbles at his honesty. He reveals that Miss J lost her job to come on the show, and that he did not want her to have gone through all of that to end up with Wes. Once he told Jillian about Wes' girlfriend, it was okay that she still kept Wes another week -- for he had said his peace. Okay, Jake, you are a pretty cool (though straightlaced) dude. As David RR Trucker attempts to mock El Piloto for crying, bboy, Tannest, and couple other guys say "hell yeah, I would have done the same thing." Take that, David RR Trucker.

But once again, we must see the two-toned hair in the viewing audience. (It is everywhere EVERYWHERE). And then, just like the one-winged dove sings a song, sound's like she's singin,' Stevie Nicks takes the microphone for a Question From the Floor: "Jake, do you still have feelings for Jillian?" Oh! And he does! "I will always have feelings for Jillian. It took me a long time to get back on my feet. In some ways, I'm not there yet." But if the show asked him to be the next Bachelor? "As flattering as it is, I am not thinking about that right now. I would have to make a decision at that time."

So then, we have a musical tribute to Wes (You say, you say that love . . .) which this Viewer refuses to give any more time to, and out comes Jillian!! Blah blah, she says there was a lot of drama that she was unaware of and compliments JuanyOnly on how well he handled things in the house. David RR Trucker apologizes for his behavior. B boy again shows that he is a complete class act in telling her that "Even though it hurts, I'm ok. I'm thankful I got to meet you. I know what I want more and what I will be looking for int he future because of you." Oh! Tannest complements Miss J on her feet, to which she tells him she is wearing Mango Mango.

But then, there is little talk about whether Miss J actually got engaged. Yeah, she says she's very happy, and that things worked out well, but not in the hushed-and-amazed tones that either the bachelore/ette or ABC usually present it. Hm. But we will find out soon enough. For now, we are finally done . . . except for bloopers [Ed pooting at the rose ceremony] as we transition into a "closer look" at the remaining guys.

In short,
Kiptyn = worse kisser ever (except for that dude Brad).
Ed = jorts. tank tops. Mankini.

Stay tuned for next week, when Ed and Kiptyn finally meet Miss J's family and REID shows up with a ring (come on, we all knew that was coming).

In the meantime, we, and ABC, leave you with this from Tannest: "I may not be able to play guitar. I may not be able to breakdance. But I can suck a mean foot." Which, incidentally, reminds us of the First Poem We Ever Wrote, spelled thusly: "Suck your tow, all the way to Mexico." True story.

- Peace.
KLo