Miss J, Eh Part 8: GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL.

Already we are realizing that Miss J has been given far more episodes to Know Her Mind than any other Bachelor/ette in recent history as we head into Part 8 with a recap of her relationships with the remaining 4: Kiptyn, Reid, Ed, and Wes. And what better place to inform us of her feelings than in Spain!
"Ooo, el Parque de Buen Retiro!" says our tour guide KMu, "this is going to be cool!"
"You mean architecturally, right?" says ABe.
But oh, Miss J is attracted to Kiptyn with his "six pack, nine pack, 12 pack." So what she is saying is that Kiptyn has an extra stomach, which we suppose is better than a third nipple. As for Reid, is he ready to be committed? And then there's Ed, who enrages KMu with a flashback to the jorts from his last 1:1 date with Miss J. Except we are more curious as to how we missed the weird necklace of ginormous pink beetles Jillian was wearing with her yellow dress at the last rose ceremony, when she picked Ed. Ew. And then . . Wes. "Him and I have shared some pretty intimate moments," says Miss J. First, we are going to teach grammar to all the little children in the world so we never have to hear this phrase again. Second, why why WHY do we have to see THE KITTY, or in this case "El GATTITO," again? We would not, could not, on the Kitty. We would not, could not, see your bitties, Miss J.

But here we are preparing for date #1, and Miss J is wandering around Madrid like she thinks it's 1985. So when we were ten years old, we would spend many an hour picking out Just The Right combination of colored tank tops to wear with our stone washed jeans to Summer Bible School, in the hopes that the cute boy in the second pew would come up to us during arts and crafts and casually start a conversation about basket weaving and/or compliment our rad fishes wallhanging. We would not have spent nearly so much time on these outfits had we known that Miss J was going to rip them off our body decades later and fanny around Madrid like the last 20+ years did not happen. It's not Canada, Robin Sparkle.

ANYWAY, this date is apparently with Kiptyn, who is "everything a mother would want her daughter to marry." Not this viewer's mother, Miss J. As they tour around Madrid, Miss J remarks that Kiptyn's mom is "such a doll." Literally ("Come on Barbie, let's go party," says KMu.). Kiptyn admits that after she left their family date, he told his mom and sister for how well things were going, but that a proposal would be pretty remote at the end of this process because he only wants to do that once in his life. Points to Kiptyn for actually telling her that up front, points taken away from Miss J for freaking about it.

So really, there is no better ice breaker than Flamenco Lessons! With Celine Dion!! "Hello. My name is Maria (*cough*Celine*cough)," says the instructor. And this is Reeecardho, And Paco (on guitarro)." Maria attempts to teach them some smooth moves, but it all goes downhill when Miss J suddenly reappears in a Mirella leotard and this viewer has a seizure. And then Kiptyn shows up in super tight pants to dance with Miss J. "I couldn't get them zipped," says Kiptyn. We all thank god this date is not with Tannest, where we are sure we would be seeing his worldly goods.

Date #1 ends in two more layered tank tops, a short yellow skirt, and Minnie Mouse yellow high heels. In the words of Coldplay, her shoes were all . . . yellow. Except Kiptyn says, "This is what I have been looking for, her and I," and we decide that all the private school education in the world apparently did not stop Kiptyn from talking like a hillbilly. Blah blah they run into the curb while riding a scooter, they eat escargot at dinner (because that is what we think of when we think of SPAIN), Miss J espouses her love of the children, and then she asks the Dumbest Series of Questions on a Date Ever. Except, poor girl thinks she is "grilling" Kiptyn:
Jill: "If I asked your last three girlfriends what they could change about you, what would they say?"
Kiptyn: "That they wished I had a twin."
Jill: "Do you think you're too much of a softie? ie, what is your worst quality?"
As KMu points out, this is like the pointless "why would you NOT be an asset to our organization" job interview question, to which we all respond: "Um, I'm a hard worker. Sometimes I work too hard."

Okay, so she refuses the fantasy suite card at the end of the date because she is doing that with everyone, apparently. We are a little confused because this isn't actually the overnight dates episode (which comes next week), but at least she throws Kiptyn a bone by saying they could . . . cuddle. In the fantasy suite. And off we go to date #2.

We give Reid exactly no more than Date #2 to redeem himself from the horror that was his family date, and we are so happy to report that he does so admirably. Though he cannot speak the Espanol to save his life. "O.La. Mee. A. More." he says as he comes upon Miss J in Sevilllllllllllllla. Oh oh oh, they must gather a pic-a-nic together for lunch, so what better place to go than, you know, the butcher for some raw meat.
"Como esta?" asks Reid of the butcher.
Butcher: "Muy bien. Y usted?"
Reid: "Soy Grande." ("I'm growin' now, just lookin' at you girrrrl."). Okay not really, but good lord, Reid. He asks the butcher whether "Grande" means "great or big," and we realize that the poor boy does not even understand what he is ordering at Starbucks. "Beeg" says the Butcher.

Reid and Miss J escape the Butcher of Sevilla and wander to a park bench, where they either eat raw meat or she performs surgery on his knee. So this is what we like about Reid: 1) He asks her questions about herself; and 2) He's good at throwing out lifelines when Miss J is not struggling to answer a question. We slide back into hearting him (because really, what are our options) and are endeared even more when he struggles to tell her how he feels. "You're doing good," says she. GAH the BNU is signing up for Teach America/Canada as soon as this episode is over.

But oh! Prior to dinner, Reid confesses to the camera that he doesn't always know when he's in love -- sometimes, he needs a "push." But we KNOW they are right together because they have the same teeth, and we yell this at the television as Reid struggles to tell Miss J that he likes her a LOT a lot, more than a friend, because she . . . "smells good." Of course, when the fantasy suite card comes out, Reid tells Miss J he will leave the decision up to her because it is the "gentlemanly thing to do" (oh!), Miss J again refuses it (good girl), and Reid accepts that little defeat graciously. "I like who I am with Reid," says Miss J. LISTEN TO YOURSELF, Jillian, and just say "no" to Wes before you catch a scabie. "Ella tiene mi corazon," says Reid at the end of this date, and now we really heart him. Even without his glasses.

Except we must get through date #3 with Ed in Granada before seeing more Reid, even though ABC misrepresents this fair city as Sevilla still. KMu is indignant about ABC's geography: "There is no greater pain in life than being a blind man in Granada," quoth KMu. But we are not so sure, as we spy Miss J's outfit. Crickey, it's the Crocodile Hunter with her shirt unbuttoned down to her Banana Republic. They are walking the gardens by Alhambra Palice, babies, and doing inappropriate things like making out in the fountain. There is a part of Miss J that wants to make sure that Ed is the right person for her, and a part of her that doesn't care and just wants to make out all day. We conclude that the later part is winning.

And this is our thing (all of us): We would rather the kissing part win if all these people are going to talk about during the entire date is why he left the first time around. And also, the Grammar Police at the BNU are really En Fuego by now, as Miss J wants to know if there was "something special between you and I," as they trot around in a horse drawn carriage. "Special about you. Special about me. Special about you and me!" we scream in anguish. Undeterred, Miss J voices her concerns that "Him and I have missed a lot."

Fuck it.
We drink more wine.

At dinner that night, we decide that we like Miss J's white little top, which is just on this side of okay because the tuxedo ruffle does not go all the way around. Except that she is wearing a black bra underneath. We secretly wish she was wearing a tulle bow in her hair, a mesh glove, and that her name was Madonna.

Alas, Miss J and Ed talk more lamely about what their life would be like in Chicago and then the Fantasy Suite card arrives . . . which Ed convinces her to accept so that they can catch up on the time lost! Daaaamn, we like his moves. Except while in the fantasy suite, they cannot stop playing footsie with their hands, which leads to the horrifying discovery of Miss J's baby tiara bracelet. "I am having an afghan moment" announces ABe.

Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for (all of us except this viewer, who would prefer to boycott this date out of solidarity against All Tools of the World): Date #4 with Wes in Barcelona. We think Miss J's top is fabulous (finally!) and are sad that it is wasted on Wes, who is "fired up." Says he: "I don't know much about the music scene in Barcelona. But, I had a song from my second album that was actually #1 in Chihuahua, Mexico. So I feel really at home around Spanish people." Ahaahahhaha. We have no words. But we ARE glad that they speak Mexican in Spain.

But noooo! "Wes and I have a good bond," says Jillian. We want to know what this bond could possibly be other than an STD. We bare our teeth a little more when Miss J announces that they will be bike riding, and Wes tells her that he "hopes her bike riding skills are better than her cross-country ski skills." We are only mollified by the fact that Wes looks like a monkey in high heels on that bike.

Wes the Tool and Miss J cycle to a little gazebo for lunch, where Miss J is painfully aware of the lack of affection he is showing her. But Miss J still thinks they have a "lot in common."
KMu demands to know what.
Says ABe: "Well, they both like him."

But Wes is pontificating on life: "relationships are all about bendin,'" says he. "Nothing will break if it can bend." "You sure?" says Miss J and asks what he would do if, hypothetically, they decided the best thing would be for Wes to move to Vancouver for a few years. In a remarkable display of bendiness, Wes says:
[blink. blink.] "Um. That would be. Crazy."
Miss J: "If I said, 'Wes, you're the one. I want to make this work . . . '"
Wes: [spilling his beer] "That bird has no foot. What's wrong with me."

Yes, this is what we ALL WANT TO KNOW. Or rather, what is wrong with Miss J for even going to dinner with him. Except that she is wearing a hot pink swimsuit cozy wrapped in a belt, so at least she is not Pulling Out All the Stops for him. And the conversation is just painful. "You're that bad boy cowboy singer that I'm always attracted to," says Miss J, as he snorts snot up his left nostril. "But I keep hearing all these rumors about you."
"I don't have a girlfriend." he insists.
And then por fin, Jillian gets to the heart of it, "But even if you didn't have a girlfriend, wouldn't your career benefit from this?"
Says Wes: "The whole deal with me being here for fame, records. . . My manager was like 'you need to go, but don't go and come back in one night. ' I thought it would be good for me as well. I've already played you a song. I've already done the whole band thing. I've already showed you what I do. If I wanted to go home, I think my mission would have been accomplished. It would be good for the publicity. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm gonna be true to myself. Numero uno is most important here."
Okay, we want to be Shocked and Appalled but we are just not. Nor are we surprised when he says that he told Jake that "My girlfriend. I mean. My ex-girlfriend . . ." We never do know what he was going to say, as the Fantasy Suite card has arrived and Wes suggests that they TAKE IT before Miss J is like, "let's just skip it" and kicks his ass into a taxi.

Hurrah for Miss J, who has just confirmed ABe's suspicion that she didn't axe Wes last week because she didn't want to just do it in response to Jake.

So at last we are at the Rose Ceremony. And Miss J has decided to turn herself into a feather duster/Ostrich. It is black. It is corsetty on top. It is layers and layers of fringe on the bottom. "Wow, I wonder how late she stayed up cutting all those slits?" wonders KMu. And we fear that she is going to burst into song: "At the Copa, Copa Cabana . . . " But this is our thing: once upon a time in college, we cut our hair very short for the First Time Ever since being mistaken for a boy as a child. And we were told by RSha that we looked like an Ostrich. And it was devastating. And ABe has never forgiven RSha since. So we can forgive Miss J this fatal fashion misstep a little.

We are also distracted by Wes, who is telling the boys of all the sex he will be having back home if he gets cut tonight. Reid looks like he may kill Wes. Kiptyn looks like he's worried he may have suddenly caught some airborn critter from the guy. But this, this is our plea to all the women of texas: Just Say No.

And Jillian does! (shocker). SHe picks:
1. Ed
2. Reid
3. And, as Wes is congratulating Kiptyn . . . Kiptyn.

Miss J wants to walk Wes out the door (holding his hand. ew ew ew), but Wes pulls the ultimate bully move and is all "I gotta say goodbye to my boys first" and turns away from her. Way to keep the power in your court, Wes. As he drives off in the limo drinking whiskey, he crows that he is the "first guy ever to make it to the bachelorette top 4 WITH a girlfriend. [dripping sarcasm] I think it's gonna take a long time to get used to this, but I think I'll get back on my feet." And then Mr. Resident Evil swears at the driver to stop going in circles and get him home. "We are pushin' out a new single. We have a big radio tour. I'm in spain. It's about to Go Down. I'm takin' off the chains clickity clickity click. Me lose to Reid? You gotta be kiddin.' I was born at night, but not last night. And Ed? That boy couldn't so much as get a nibble back in Texas. It's on, like a pot of napalm. I'm in Spain, everybody's gonna know my name."

Douchebag drunk slug of a person.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Hawaii and Ed whips out the Jorts . . . AND a man-tini.

K