Miss J, Eh, Part 9: Intimate, Cozy, Sexy Time Make for Benefit of Hers Decision

Episode 9 (when will it END?!) of the Bachelorette is in Hawaii, babies. Miss J grinds this fact into our souls by wandering the beach in a bikini and zero body fat. We hope she gets the gritties up her swimsuit while she's making her "J +?" heart in the sand.

And here we are at date #1 with Kiptyn. Oh, Miss J is nervous, anxious, things are 90% good and 10% uneasy. And we understand how she might be feeling that way, as the rolled up Short Jorts cannot be doing a Wonderment for her confidence. Our sister, SHa, had a pair of those in Junior High and wore them with her Gothic Tops and Grecian Sandles. It was a good look. And yet here Miss J is, resurrecting the Shor Jors, as she and Kiptyn climb into some sort of wheeled vehicle and drive to a high ropes course. "With adventure comes trust," says Jillian.

"I don't know much, but I know I love you ou ou ou," warbles ABe.

Okay, screw Kiptyn. We are in love with the high ropes instructor. He is bearded. he is ponytailed. He is wearing a trucker cap underneath his helmet. We are strangely attracted.

But dammit, here is Miss J getting in the way of our view of the instructor and telling Kiptyn to go first. KMu is a bit horrified: "Wow, he has really small legs. And also, are they shaven? Seriously, that could be Jillian from the thigh down." And now we cannot look away from the Legs as Kiptyn and Miss J kiss awkwardly at every element of the course, even as he is straddling the rope in a precarious manner. Careful, Kiptyn, we all know what happened to David Carradine. And yet here Miss J is talking about Kiptyn as a baby giraffe and Kiptyn saying she's a "strong independent woman" but sometimes needs a little guidance, and now we're doing the "leap of faith" off an 8 inch diameter telephone pole onto a trapeze and he is winking at her. Boo.

Later on the eat pineapple and Kiptyn talks about how they've "covered the map pretty good" in their relationship to date. Yeah, him and her really have covered it.

Following an ad break in which KM, ABe, and this viewer determine that the person to have Performance Problems on this date will be Ed based upon the hairiness of the belly involved in the teaser, we all go to dinner with Kiptyn and Miss J. "We're gonna have dinner on top of a pole tonight," Jillian tells Kiptyn. Ooo, dirty. But then the conversation lapses into Miss J's strength and independence, and we really have Had It. This is our thing (all of us): If Miss J must point out at ever turn that she is "strong and independent" and worry out loud about whether she is "too strong" then she is probably not either of those things, at least when faced with a Boy. And also, we really don't want to hear that conversation recycled one more time.

So, we turn to a Totally New Topic that has Never Been Mentioned At All Yet In Season Miss J: Jillian wants to know what Kiptyn's flaws are. "Um, flamenco dancing," he says. And he is winking at her again. Stop it STOP IT. She titters and we scowl . But seriously, babies, he's also impatient in dealing with problems in a relationship. We are not sure she is happy with this answer, but she whips out the Fantasy Suite card ("out of her napkin," says he), they decide to take it, and then he completely Hoovers her face at the dinner table.

We see nary a bit of the Fantasy Suite as we are raced off to date #2 with Reid. We know he is toast because 1) Jillian brought a BEACH BALL to play with him, and 2) he is giving her hugs and kisses and her face shows only Vague Tolerance. Oh no!

Jillian helicopters Reid around Hawaii, and we secretly admit that it is lovely. Except when the driver person/pilot is like "I'm the only ordained pilot in the state; I could marry you right now." And Miss J says "Seriously, let's get that shit done!" Okay. We do not know about all of you, dear readers, but we think that "let's get that shit done" is pretty high on our list of Romantic Proposals. Reid, of course, pees himself a little.

So the rest of this date, whether picnicing on the cliffs or eating dinner on the beach, goes something like this:
Miss J: "I need to know how you feel."
Reid: "Well, I like you."
Miss J: "But I need to know how you feel."
Reid: "This is hard for me, to open up, but I feel like things are moving in the right direction."
Miss J: "Okay, but, this time I really need to know how you feel."
Reid: "Well, I am indecisive in life. It's not a huge problem, but it's a problem. This process is challenging for me for that reason, but I think good things can come."
Miss J: "But Reid, we are running out of time for you to tell me how you feel."

Lady. Back the F* off. And also, he is telling you how he feels, more so than Kiptyn. AND ALSO, if his communication skills are not clear enough/good enough for you now, they probably are not going to be in the future and so therefore stop pushing him and just have a nice fantasy suite date before you give him the old Heave Ho.

Ooo! She listened to us! But KMu wants to know how many roses died to grace the tile leading up to the bathtub and beyond in the Suite. She is also concerned about the Attractive Nuisance and knows that if someone races into the bathroom with the rose petals all over that tile, it will be split heads and trauma wards. We, however, are more concerned that Miss J is naked in the bubbles. And also, we realize that this bubble bath (and all the whippiness associated therewith) would be more traumatic for us than the high ropes course and Men Talking About Their Feelings put together. There's just so much . . . churned air. But, we play a little game of "Would you Rather" with ourselves and realize that the bubbles are still preferable to Reid unlidding a jar of marshmallow fluff and slathering it on Miss J. So, there you have it. We have perhaps learned more about ourselves from this date than Miss J or Reid.

Date #3 is with Ed! Miss J is wearing her size 6x jeans skirt, but Ed. oh oh Ed. In a blue tank top and jorts, Ed is rockin' the fashion big time. He and Miss J race off in a catamaran called "Trilogy." As they make out on the tarp, Jillian wants to know the weirdest thing about Ed that she still doesn't know. "Um, my parents call me Richie to distinguish me from my dad." Whose name is Rich. Because that is totally more helpful than any other name for distinguishing "Ed" from "Rich." But Miss J is not really listening because we can see it in her eyes (all of us) that what she is hearing is "mm mmm mmm make out mm mm want to mm kiss" and suddenly they are. But she is, as KMu calls it, a "Human Chip Clip"/one of those creepy monkeys that's legs pop out if you push their shoulders in her affection, all wrapped around Ed.

And then . . . Oh! Ed has surprised Miss J with his parents! Suddenly, we understand Ed. We meet his parents, Judy and Rich, and realize that they are just good Polish Catholics from The Region, who probably love the White Sox, Bears, and cheese Punczkis (mmm, who doesn't). We get through a few awkward moments with Judy making small talk about playing cards and Rich wanting to know "what the HELL are we doing here," but then we sort of fall in love with them as Judy tells Miss J that this show is "totally outside of Ed's element," but that she can see he is really happy. And then Rich tears up as he tells Miss J that he has "never seen Ed put his feelings on his shirt sleeve. I haven't seen it before." And then, "I just want you to be happy, that's all" in such an honest way that WE get all teary.

Except now the parents are gone, and Miss J has pulled the Fantasy Suite card from somewhere and is talking about how she is ready for some "intimate, cozy, sexy time and to get back to what this date was supposed to be about." She wants to focus on "him and I" as much as possible. We, too, want to focus on "him and I" but for different reasons. As Miss J waits in the Suite, we hear a knock on the door. "Open up, it's the grammar police," says KMu.

But once again, Miss J is not listening. "Uhhh [she grunts], I think Ed is sexy. The olive skin. The tallness." Yes yes, we all agree (especially ABe), but poor Ed is less concerned with Bringing Sexy Back and more concerned with telling her that he loves her (!!!). "You make my life so much better. I'm here for you, I have such strong feelings. I am falling in love with you" he says! OH!!! He then sweeps her off to the bed, where they make out until she excuses herself to change into . . . a cheese cloth and panties. As she gets out the massage oil and greases Ed up, KMu is traumatized.
KMu: "I can't believe she is doing this on camera!!!"
PMu: "Again."

But Ed is loving it: "It felt so good to have Jillian rub all over me." Gah gah GAH. ABe is like, halfway behind the couch so mortified is she. We are wondering why Ed has now dumped the entire bottle of massage oil on Miss J's legs. And then, suddenly, ABC gets all cagey in the editing. The lights are off. The lights are on. Ed is crying. He and Miss J are laying there awkwardly . She is confessing that she thought the big "can't wait to attack you in private" that she thought would be there really wasn't, and that they just wanted to go to sleep. Ed is sitting out on the balcony looking at the moon.

WTF just happened? Another hard (no pun intended) edit to a giant stamen and we think we all know. We start singing that Ed makes us "feel like a sticky pistil leaning into a stamen," and are happy to report that we would, in fact, win at least one round of that lyrics game all the band kids used to play in high school (ERo) if presented with the word "stamen." ABe is horrified.

But here we are at the rose ceremony, and we sort of like Miss J's dress, even if it is like a scarf with straps. She tells Chris Harrison that she is falling in love with three men, one that she could see herself getting engaged to, one that is sort of "early marriage," and one that is "I could see us in 25 years." We get yet another recap of the men (blah blah Kiptyn is leader but hasn't shown his vulnerabilities, etc etc) and then we get to see the video messages that the three boys left for Miss J. We love the video messages episode!!!

Kiptyn says everything "right" in his message, provides a geography lesson about all the places they have gone, and then seals it with a completely committed and convincing "It's no surprise that I COULD see myself falling in love." Reid, who we just think is a sweetie even if he is complete toast, says that the fantasy suite night was the best night of his life but then sort of kills it by asking her to keep her "honey bear around." Oh dear. But then Ed makes us all love him by saying that Miss J has made him change his perspective on life and made him a better person. She is beautiful, funny, smart, inappropriate sometimes, and . . . he loves her. ED!! FOR THE WIN!!!!

Except that he is wearing a searsucker jacket, mint green shirt, and khakis for the rose ceremony. Good lord. We have no fashion, but mostly because we are too lazy to bother with it. Ed here is like a blind cat with a paintball gun. Unsurprisingly, Miss J asks for additional time with Ed right before she starts handing out roses, and he Dances for His Life or rather, around the topic:
"Um, there are a number of external pressures that are affecting my . . . behavior. But I can assure you that we would . . . not have that problem . . . if I were able to stay. You don't need to worry about . . . that. With me." Oh Ed.

But he convinces her, and in the end, Miss J picks
1. Kiptyn, and
2. Ed!!

Poor Reid looks crestfallen. His voice breaks as he tells her that he hopes she made the right move , and then they hold each other and cry as she tells him that she just couldn't determine whether he was at the right place as her. And we see it, because as he drives off in the limo, he admits that he was closed off and didn't do a good job of telling her how he was feeling, and concludes that this is his fault. Our heart breaks for Reid and we hope that he finds a nice person soon.

Ed comes to fetch Miss J and thanks her for taking a risk with him. We think that is sweet. Miss J announces that the boys are going to travel to the big island in Hawaii next and "keep doing what we're doing." We wonder if that means they will not meet her parents. But first, we must suffer through the Men Tell All next week, including an appearance from Big Daddy and Molly (who will not age well). And then, on the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever, a "shocking confession" leaves Miss J blindsided.

$10 says Kipton is like "I am not ready to propose" and/or that he secretly has a girlfriend too.
KLo