El Piloto Part 4: China Baby

ABe has found the mini bottles of Sutter Home and is now drinking Through The Pain (nothing but the best, babies) as we begin El Piloto Part 4 with a sea of velour track suits. Rosy Fingered Dawn has appeared, and she has brought Chris Harrison with an announcement: Jake will have some "great dates" this week, including an individual, group, and 2:1 date. But "things will be a little different. "

As Chris encourages the women to go outside to see their suprise, the ladies race towards two ginormous RVs . . . which we learn ABC has forgotten to unlock when Ali slams into the door of one instead of opening it. We secretly wonder if Le Sausage thought the surprise was BEHIND the buses, a la Extreme MakeOver. We shout "Move That Bus!!!" and then are sad to learn that we are merely looking forward to an RV trip up the coast of California. At least Ella is excited. "Ah ahm fixin to get ohn that RV. This is gonna be so dahng fuhn." She is "ready to get mayh relationship rollin down the highway of love." We are not making this up.

So Ali, Jessie (who ARE you?!????), Ella, and TenAriel (ah ahahah) get the first bus, with Le Sausage, Corrie Rivers, Drunk Ashleigh, and, we think, and GPow on the second bus. We don't really know where Kathryn lands, as we are more distracted by the fact that she looks like the Grinch. But somebody gets a camcorder to film the "fun." Blah Blah Ella finds a snake and terrifies Le Sausage. Blah Blah El Piloto and/or his stunt double follow behind on the motorcycle. Our highlight is when GPow suggests that the 2:1 date should go to Ali and Le Sausage because "that would be like Tyson and Holyfield." Ahhahhaha, we like GPow.

And then we are at our first stop: A Vineyard. El Piloto, dear readers, has Pitched His Tent amidst a sea of grapes. According to TenAriel, he is "rugged and lookin' like a man." We are more interested in Jessie's pants, which are a) pencil jeans; b) black; and c) slashed from inseam to outer leg. And also, WTF is up with the Robin Hood boots, all of you people.

Anyway, El Piloto hands GPow the first date card to read, after he motorcycles over the hill to his little tent. And she reads: "Gia, Let's go over the moon and under the stars." Oh oh oh!!!! We jump the river and race through the woods to El Piloto's tent, where he is now shaving with his shirt unbuttoned from neck to navel, 20 dop kits all around him, a compact, and a mini-razor. After we pick ourselves up off the floor, we realize that GPow is also getting ready . . . in a full body suit, stilettos, and one of those chinese lamp shades that May or May Not be found in college dorms across America, cinched with a wrestling belt. Le Sausage is convinced that GPow is "all wrong" for El Piloto because he is a country boy and she is so Big City. Um, Le Sausage?

El Piloto again crosses the 10 yards separating his camp from the ladies' RVs to pick GPow up on his nerfcycle, and then . . . Heartbreak. Having enjoyed a meteoric rise from the Ashes of El Piloto Part 1 in this viewer's estimation, GPow has Peaked Too Soon and is hurtling towards the earth. "Let's play Hide and Seek" she suggests. Because, nothing could blend in further than a be-spandexed black and blue woman in stilettos hiding behind a couple grape vines. Though, in fairness, she could probably be concealed by a pole. Anyhow, Jake agrees that this is "so much fun," and they play for 10 seconds, until he finds her, she crotch-rockets onto the front of him "like a froggy" and he carries her off for wine and cheese.

But the fun is not over. Over wine, GPow confesses that her parents took her out of school because her shoes were stolen and she was picked on so much. Jacques attempts to relate, stating that he was called "Mr. Dateless" in 9th grade.
"Why?" asks GPow.
"Well, it really wasn't a riddle," Says KMu.
But GPow, now on a roll, is describing how her first kiss was miserable because it was during Spin the Bottle. Which is why, of course, the Flying J decides to recreate the misery: "If we polish this bottle off, I bet it would spin pretty good on this cheese tray." This viewer's E! True Hollywood confession is that we are Pretty Sure we never played spin the bottle or if we did, it was in SGra's barn when we were in 4th grade, but this does not stop the shame and trauma from flooding back with GPow's instruction that the first spin = cheek, the second spin = lips, and the third spin = "all over." WTF. And also, this is not the game we remember.

Blah blah the "all over" kiss that eventually comes looks suspiciously like the "lips" kiss, GPow says it was the best kiss of her life, and off we go to dinner of "hot dogs and s'mores" before a raging fire Jake builds himself with his very own Perfectly Shaped Kindling and firestarter. As GPow is choked by smoke, El Piloto informs her that "they say the smoke always goes to the pretty ones." The riveting conversation continues after dinner, where GPow plans their life together: "Well, if it is you and I (YOU AND ME. RAGE.), I would like to be engage for a while. I'd like to be married and have children before 30. Two children and a little girl from China." Okay, she did not just play the China Baby card. And also, she wants a "pot bellied pig." We are speechless. El Piloto, however, is not. He has "never thought about" adoption, but could be open to it. Well, somebody tell Ella.

GPow gets the rose, to the instrumental version of "On The Wings of Love."

Back at the campfire, the next date card has come for: Jessie, Drunk Ashleigh, TenArial, Ali, Le Sausage, and Corrie Rivers. "Next Stop: Falling Inn love," it reads. But everyone is more interested in the fact that Ella and Kathryn are left out, meaning they get the 2:1 date. Oh! As we motor off towards the group date destination (Pismo Beach), TenAriel wonders "could this be my husband?" and Ali thinks "that F*ing Sausage. I'm gonna cut a bitch," and El Piloto's stunt double drives the nerfcycle along the ocean to meet the chickies. "Be prepared to get extremely dirty," he says, upon taking his stunt double's place.

Surprise! We have dunebuggies!!! Ali tries to fry her some Sausage as she pounces on the shotgun of whichever buggy El Piloto is driving. "Whatever, have your 30 minutes in a dunebuggy," says Vienna. "I'm gonna marry him." After various moments of leaping through the dunes, Jessie gets the buggy stuck that she and Le Sausage are driving. Le Sausage, who we only forgive for wearing Uggs at the beach because we have recently purchased our own and now Cannot Take Them Off, cannot even move said buggy with the weight of her fake tatas. So, joyous day, El Piloto comes and rescues them!

But soon we are buggies no more. Instead, we are sandboarding down the dunes. Okay, we did this once in Dubai. First, it is slow. Second, we still fell down. After Jake forces TenAriel to roll with him down the hill, TenAriel thinks its "so much fun!!!" to have sand in her mouth and we now KNOW she is lying. How fortunate that Jake decides to "slow things down a little" with some wine on the beach. . . . until he decides to roll down the hill again with Corrie Rivers. Okay, is it just us, or are we (all of us) feeling like we are trapped in a nursery rhyme? Already, we have been over the river and through the woods. Now, NOW we are tumbling down the hill. What, what could possibly be next???

Oh, that's right: The Madonna Inn, where Jake can fulfill his every virgin/whore fantasy of Ideal Womanhood, and where we are pretty sure Sleeping Beauty died, Hansel & Gretel laid their last crumb, and Goldilocks decided the porridge was really, in fact, adequate. We are completely overwhelmed by the wrought iron and theme rooms as the girls get ready for dinner.

So when we were in 8th grade, we desperately wanted a minidress. You know the kind (all of you): one piece, drop waist, 1980s plaid or whatever. And one day after ballet, we forced our entire family to stay in J.C. Penney for hours looking through racks and racks of these dresses, trying to find the Perfect One. We went home emptyhanded, but our father bought some hideous jeans in retaliation. We always wondered what happened to all those dresses, and now we know: they were packed in moth balls awaiting this Very Night. We are terrified as we watch Dress After Dress: Tenarial: black t-shirt on top, shiny metallic petals on the bottom. Horsey Poof in the hair (RAGE). Le Sausage: black t-shirt on top, white and black flowers on the bottom. Horsey Poof. Drunk Ashleigh ; Horsey Poof and. . .Stop The Presses. Drunk Ashleigh is wearing a WRAP AROUND FORMAL SHORTS JUMPSUIT and gladiator shoes.

Jake seizes Drunk Ashleigh for some 1:1 time and really, we cannot blame him because we cannot look away either. Except they end up in a teal leather room, which is "her favorite color," there is no conversation, she is all wrapped around him, and . . she is not wearing any underwear and is, apparently, not a real blonde. We desperately try to blot the memory of Drunk Ashleigh's ladybits as El Piloto attempts to take Le Sausage for some 1:1 time, only to be refused because she "wants to go last." So he takes Ali instead, and to a different room than Drunk Ashleigh. We wonder why, until KMu explains that it is so that ABC does not have to change the sheets.

Blah blah 1:1 time with Tenley is uneventful except that we learn her ex-husband, a cop, left her for another cop (female. Damn) and that she hasn't dated since. We are growing very tired of the tinkly voices at this point, and so are only mildly interested when, in 1:1 time with Le Sausage, El Piloto tells her to stop egging on the other women and that sometimes the best course of action is to just not say anything. Ahahaha, point one: El Piloto. He likes her, gentle readers, but sees some "red flags."

Finally, this date is over, with TenAriel getting the rose. Corrie Rivers is pissed because she thought they Had a Moment rolling down the hill.

And, because we are all dreadfully bored at this point, we are finally FINALLY at date #3 with Kathryn and Ella. "Two girls, one rose. One stays, One goes" says the card. Ooooo!!!! This is dreadfully boring, even though it is supposed to be a Big Upset, and so we will make it brief:
Quiet dinner in Jake's cabin. Ella wants to know "what ahr you lookin for in a wife, a mother?" Jake says Faith. Ella says "For me, it's mayh son. Ah am lookin for someone increhdible for hihm, best for hihm, marry mah best fri-end." etc etc. Kathryn attempts to speek but fails, looking more grinchlike and sour. Ella, in 1:1 time, then says that she "wahnts you to see ah am more than just a mom." Really? Kathryn, meanwhile, is "so beautiful" that El Piloto "keeps getting lost" in her eyes. But she is Having None Of It and tells him he does not pay attention to her. Aaaaaand . .. he cuts them both!!!!

"This is the first of many decisions I am going to make that no one is going to understand and it is only going to get worse!" says El Piloto. Ooo, will Chris Harrison get the final rose in the end?

Alas, we must wait a little longer. We secretly think that the only reason ABC is letting the Flying J axe so many women is because the know (all of them) that this Season is Dreadful. And so, with only 7 women left at week three, we head into the Rose Ceremony. Poor Corrie Rivers is concerned that El Piloto does not know her as well as some of the other women. El Piloto has already reached a point with Ali, as they sit in silence during 1:1 time, that "nothing needs to be said." Jessie, in green eyeshadow and a terrible velvet black cocktail dress, earnestly entreats Jacques to ditch the Sausage. And, for Le Sausage's part, crosses her eyes in concentration and says that she hopes his family likes her, as none of the other women do.

El Piloto begins his Rose Ceremony speech: "This week, I got to see a lot of different sides of you." We wonder if this also means Drunk Ashleigh's back side, or possibly, her insides. He does not elaborate, as to join GPow and Tenarial with roses, he picks:
1. Ali
2. Corrie Rivers, and . .. .
He has melted down! Le Sausage, Jessie, and Drunk Ashleigh are awaiting the final two roses and El Piloto begins to cry, rushes off to who we think is Neve Campbell circa Party of Five, who rushes to find Chris Harrison, who is talking to Hurley fresh off the Lost Island and some chick in a pink coat, who says . . . "doyoureallywanttonotgiveoutanymoreroses???" when El Piloto seeks his advice. And it's true, babies!!! El Piloto, realizing he has painted himself into a corner with all of these women, is now terrified to keep any of them. So, Chris Harrison pulls a rose away, leaving only one, and that single rose goes to . . . .

3. Le Sausage. For the Win!!!! NOOOOOOOOO.

Ali is fuming. She has lost all self-edit as she heatedly whispers to Corrie Rivers that she canNOT believe Le Sausage is still there. Poor Jessie is sad. Drunk Ashleigh is furious to have been kicked to the curb for the likes of Le Sausage.

And we're done. Stay tuned for next week. Something about San Francisco.

K Lo