El Piloto Part 2: Naked, Natural, and Me

On this, our 110th (ish) episode blogged, we are slightly cheesed that we must spend it with a jolly green Can-Can dancer (Christina), Mini-mouse (Valishia), and half a dozen loose chrocheted tube tops that remind us forcibly of our days in southern Michigan. But . . . .squeel!!! . .. we jump right into El Piloto Part 2 with the announcement of the group dates. That's right, gentle readers, we are at That Point in which we have two group dates, one individual date, and a rose to be given on each. Whatever shall Jacques do?


Date#1 is for Rozlyn the model, Valishia the "homemaker," Corrie Rivers, Christina, and Drunk Ashleigh. "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words" sayeth the card. Michelle is instantly upset, weeping because her name was not on the card (even though she has two more opportunities this week). We give her one out of four boiled bunnies for batshitedness. Christina looks forward to "my first date with my future husband." As for Jake, said potential future husband, he has unbuttoned yet ANOTHER notch in his shirt as he strides towards the house from his nerfy motorcycle. His life has been a series of "nice guy finishes last" but feels that he has turned a corner. Maybe into hoochyville, Jake. And also, you can't fix stupid.


So, off we go with orange juice in champagne glasses to . . . a hotel. "Oooo, do we get to stay here?" wonders one lady. Apparently not, though we do get to meet the Bachelor's answer to Tim Gunn: gay Hal in a pinstripe suit, a/k/a/ the fashion director for "In Style." They are doing a photoshoot!!! Corrie Rivers is excited: "In Style is my official monthly reading!!" But Christina starts to freak out because GPow and Rozlyn are real models (hahahhahha, she said "real."), and whatever will she, a "normal" girl do? Rozlyn, who apparently does a lot of wedding dress modeling, "kinda wants to bite" Jake because he looks so cute and makes a face because GPow "probably does lingerie modeling." Rozzie, no two sets of implants are born equal, and we are pretty sure GPow has the upper hand on that shizz.


Proving our point, Rozzie is the first to pose with the Flying J in a spangly scarf masquerading as a dress. She lifts her leg to expose her "little cha cha" to all the world, as Christina points out, but suddenly we don't care because, speaking of cha chas, we have just seen the hugest P.T. ever on BNU history. We hear "you must pay the rent!" and "my name is inigo motoya" and the theme song of Magnum P.I. as this unnamed photographer lisps into the view. "Just think of somsthing to do, and take a deep breath" advises him of the mooostache, and Christina puts aside all thoughts of GPow being fed strawberries (you KNOW how this viewer feels about that, all of you), Rozzie's cha cha, and drunk Ashleigh's channeling of Miss America to conclude . . . "it's just like prom all over again.!!" Jake twirls and dips Christina until we are ready for a group photo: an awkward number in which El Piloto poses like Captain America as the chickies play tug of war on his arms. "Really pull!" recommends Inigo.


Mercifully, it is now time for the cocktail/"wrap" party. Because El Piloto doesn't know how to have a first date, he asks GPow to tell him about her past relationships in their first 1:1 time. GPow, who we are liking more and more, is like "well, my first relationship was for six years, and that brings us up to my 12th birthday last year." Okay, not really, but she did date someone for six years. Winning us over, she also admits that she was not a popular kid growing up and was more artsy. Well, she is toast. Not so for Valishia, who is overheard telling the other women "I do teach womens' Bible studies, but I'm not paid for that." The mystery deepens as to how this single "homemaker" eats. But we heart GPow even more when, after Drunk Ashleigh fannies up in a swimsuit to steal El Piloto away, wanders back to the other women with a "wah WAH."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a date box has arrived!! Michelle pounces, opening the card to read "For the lucky girl who gets to 'take off' on tomorrow's date." We have several options here: (1) ABC has made a bad pun; (2) somebody is ready ready ready ready, ready to run; (3) someone's family has staged an intervention by mail: "Dear Baby, you will be LUCKY if you TAKE OFF tomorrow . . ." But no one is drinking that particular brand of kool-aid because Michelle is saying "diamonds diamonds Diamonds DIAMONDS!!" and opening a box to find the standard diamond necklace that usually shows up around Part 2. She wants to try it on, insisting with a feral gleam that maybe the person who wears it gets the date. "Now it's tainted" says some chickie as we fade back to the Group Date.


And on that group date, Christina has seized Jake for some drunken 1:1 time. "I rweally rweally like you. I cannot, like, zing her praises enuff. I wanna baby. ding ding ding ding." The Flying J, displaying his total lack of social skills, asks when faced with this: "So, when you go on vacation, what do you like to do?" Says KMu: "If you were a vegetable, what would you be?"


The sound of two exercise balls rubbing together saves little Jake, and we all look up to see Rozzie shaking her chest at him and asking for some 1:1 time. Christina is "a little peeved" by the invasion of the bridal model, and concludes that "we need shots." But by now, Rozzie has wrapped herself into a chenille tassled Snuggie with El Piloto, swimsuit a swimsuit, and completely swallowed his face to the tune of Skinemax music. "I don't know if I have ever dated a girl like Rozlyn," says Jake."I've dated lots of beautiful women, but SHE's mysterious." Seriously???? But then again, to a man who probably writes L and R on his socks so that they wear evenly, we can see his point. Christina, now wearing snow shoes from her ears, is "bummed" at this turn of events. We are relieved to know that she is also prepared for when Jake Gyllenhall rescues her from the library after the world freezes over.

Rozzie, now hanging against a chain link fence over a freeway (what kind of Bachelor is this again?), is waiting for The Flying J to return from "somewhere," which everyone knows means that he is getting her the Safety Rose. "Now that I know I'm not going home, my strategy is to be myself," she says in a later clip with sweatshirt dangling off her shoulder. Yes, when she's not stripping or welding, we think that's a good idea. But now we are traumatized because El Piloto has returned with the rose hidden . .. in his crack. "Milk milk lemonade, around the corner fudge is made," chants ABe quietly in the corner, and we suddenly have to Walk It Off. We are ALL surprised when he pulls said rose out of his crack and offers it to Rozzie, and she TAKES IT and acts all charmed and honored.

But now, with Bunny Alert on Orange, Michelle has nabbed the next date card (accompanying the diamonds) to read: "Come fly with me . .. Ali!!!" Now shooting daggers at Ali, who starts to CRY because she is so "happy" ("Dear Mom and Dad, I got your message but I can't. get. out.") , Michelle looks like she's going to start cutting. We are relieved when ABC does a hard edit to Ali, now wearing a yellow dress that only she and various other Seventeen models could pull off, learns she must Hike It Up and ride around on the back of El Piloto's motorcycle to get to their mystery date location . . . a terminal.

"Okay, this is just mean," says ABe, and we have to agree because Ali is afraid of flying, and now she's supposed to go up in a little "SkyHawk" with a pilot-turned-reality-star? We applaud her for identifying the fire extinguisher, and are not much interested in Jaques' systems check of the plane or slo mo flipping of his bomber jacket onto his shoulder. We can see the TSA announcement now: "We have lost the Bachelor somewhere over the Pacific."

At any rate, blah blah they get to 3,000 feet over the ocean without incident, Ali's pit stains dry, and Jeffrey Osborne sings "On the Wings of Love! Only the Two of us, together flighing hiiiiiiiigh, flying high upon the wings of looooooooooove." But they are STILL not done. Oh no, even though Ali was "definately flying high today," they must take a car from Olden Days over to Palm Springs, where the "A-listers go to hang out." Yes, and also the retirement set. So they drive through somebody's yard to park in the middle of a field. "They're gonna neck" says PMu. We also hope that she gets his class ring.

And then: dinner. We don't see much of this blessed event, except where she claims 3 times in a row that she is "not nervous" with Jake, and that she dated Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan. Oh, oh oh, looks like she's going to marry a Duggar! Though we cannot throw stones, as we *might* have dated the Gospels. This date improves with a surprise concert by Chicago!! Oh Chicago, how we danced around the living room to you many a time, and your chocolate bar-y goodness of a record. Saturday! In the park! And then . . . You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration!!" Suddenly, KMu and ABe are singing, we are the horn section, and PMu and Bonus Viewer MCo are suffering in silence! We heart you, Chicago.

Ali, of course, Lives to Fight Another Day as she comes home with the rose and a kiss after dancing awkwardly into a slo mo spin with El Piloto.

Mercifully, Date #3, a group date with Nanny-No-Nips, Jessie of Canada, Kathryn, Ashley (the teacher) and Le Sausage, comes with a message "Love has Ups and Downs." Michelle is definately feeling the downs, as she, TenArial, and Ella the mom are not going on dates this week, apparently. Michelle is "not ordinary!" babies. She has "a lot of love to give." Which is why she storms out, crying, and decides to pack her bags. "If I am not going to get a chance to spend time with him, I'm leaving," she announces. We are now at 4 of 4 boiled bunnies, dear readers. This is a Level Red Alert. TenArial, taking the bait, is all "oh Michelle, don't leave! Stay! Stay!" and Rozzie tries to make Michelle feel better by suggesting that maybe Jake has already decided she will stay. Michelle will have None Of It, however.

As Michelle packs, Nanny-No-Nips is snuggling up against Jake at Six Flags (apparently their date location) on Date #3 and is pleased to feel "how stacked he is." We are much more interested in her bedazzled tunic and Will Rogers Follies boots. NCubed soon steals the Flying J away from the other women to sit awkwardly on the ledge of a carnival game. She has a note for him, babies, if only she can peel it out of her pants and unfold the little football. Writing is "naked, natural, and me," she says. We don't dispute the naked, but are not quite sure which bits are natural. And also, she has to be at least 35. She reads:

"So far, I've been impressed with you and I want to get to know you more. [blah blah journey blah]. I know you've kissed a lot of girls and will probably kiss everyone by the end. But please don't kiss me unless you get to the point where you are prepared to kiss me for as long as we both shall live. With all that I am [including the parts that will last 3 billion years], Elizabeth."

We love the look on Jake's face, even as he says he is an old-fashioned guy and respects her "values." Blah blah we go back to the other women, Roll-A-Ball, Magic Mountain, and his "love for these girls." He has the Safety Rose, gentle readers, but whomever shall he give it to???

Le Sausage makes a play for it, and we are traumatized by the miles and miles of crochet encircling her. One time, when we were 18, we decided to try on a crochet bikini, concluding that we Only Live Once. The sea of flesh staring back in the mirror confirmed that our particular life did not need to be adorned by crochet. We feel similarly towards Le Sausage's ensemble, but are again sidetracked (damn you, ABC) because as they sit down for 1:1 time, we see THE KITTY from Season Big Daddy and Season Miss J. Yes, it has been flattened in the wash, but we are still pretty sure they have snuggled up under the Kitty.

And Le Sausage unleashes her tale of woe: The only boy who could ever teach her, was the son of her preacher man. It's true, Babies. She dated him through high school and became engaged her senior year. Yet she called it off, at which point Billy Ray got married and had a child one month later. So determined was Le Sausage to prove he was NOT the only boy who could ever reach her, she ran off with another guy she didn't know at 18 and eloped. Four months later, they were divorced. But not until she broke her daddy's heart, which we presume was sometime between cars 1 and 5.

We feel bad for Le Sausage, as she IS pouring her heart out, when Ashley the Teacher interrupts and steals Jake away. Stunned, Le Sausage stumbles back to the group. Nanny-No-Nips informs her, "that's why you have to use your time right." Harsh, NCubed. But Ashley, mistakenly thinking Jake wants a "bright, strong woman in his life" with crazy eyes, is busy bombing out with the Bachelor, resulting only in a hug and kiss on the cheek.

Ultimately, the Safety Rose goes to NCubed "because she REALLY intrigues" Jake. We decide that Jake needs to take a class in plastics so that he is no longer so amazed by the No Nips and Rozzies of this world. NCubed is triumphant. As the other women skulk off in the limo, she gets to watch fireworks and "play hard to get" with Jake because "that's what she deserves." Said playing involves:
"You know I"m not holding back, because I want this." and
"Wanna kiss me? I really want to kiss you." and
"You can make out with my forehead all night."

Query: Is she Vulcan?

Ashley is all sad because she "wanted the fireworks to be for Jake and I." GAH. "For Jake, for you, for Jake and you!!" we scream. We are saddened that our colleges are being adjunctly taught be bad grammar.

But here we are again at the rose ceremony. Shocker: Michelle is still here. Rozzie is confident because "I have a rose, beyotch." And Ella the Mom is 1 part red and the other part sequin. It's her birthday, but even though she's never spent it away from her son, she doesn't have to be sad because he knows she's there to find the Love of Her Life. Gag. Jake gives her a cupcake. "Congratulations, you are now too old for me," we secretly whisper for him.

TenArial (ah, ahahah), also concerned because of their lack of date this week, tells Jacques that it's "hard because you're off with all these other girls." But so awesome of Jake to reassure her: "Just your temperament. You've probably had a good and successful dating history." Read: You're so tepid. I bet you make an awesome bunt cake. Marry me."

But here we go again with Michelle and her 4 bunny Red Alert, upset because "we need to have 1:1 time or else." Okay, then go GET IT. So she does, and then completely terrifies us with a fake laugh followed by "no seriously, I know why you are here and I am here for the exact same reason. I can't know what' s going to happen today, but i want you to know that I did pack my bags well, when the cards came in." Somehow, Jake is not completely terrified by this, even when she starts to cry AGAIN about "how unfair" it is when another woman comes to talk to him, after initially saying that no, the woman canNOT take Jake away because she is "in the middle of something."

And here we are at the Big Moment of Intrigue hyped by ABC all week. Chris Harrison pulls Rozzie away and informas her that she must leave because she has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with a staffer.
"Jump to any conclusion, any conclusion at all!!!" says ABe.
Rozzie, confirming that she should never be a lawyer, argues: "So you think there are no other girls who felt for others before they came on the show?" which feeds Chris Harrison's glee in responding that this is something new that started on the show. To which, digging the hole deeper, Rozzie responds "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business." Ahahahha, after we pick ourselves off the floor, Rozzie goes to pack, with the assistance of a ginormous male staffer. We will say this, however: how uncool that Rozzie's dirty laundry is aired on national television, while the "staffer" gets to hide in relative anonymity. Chris then tells Jake AND the ladies of Rozzie's "inappropriate relationship," and we actually feel a little bad for Jake, until he says: . . .. "Can I get my rose back?"

We are just not even going to write more about this event except this: Ashley teacher crazy eyes. TenArial (ah, ahahah): He does not deserve to have his heart broken. GPow: Sitting calmly (we love her now). Ali: wearing a MAN WATCH!! DOe, this is for you and all the other haters of this viewer's awesome, velcro, waterproof piece of Timex magic (R.I.P.). Ali has a man watch. We are going to get a new one, post haste.

And he picks (to join Ali and Nanny No Nips):
1. Le Sausage
2. GPow
3. TenArial
4. Ella the Mom
5. Sister Christian (Valicia)
6. Corrie Rivers
7. Jessie (who we STILL have not seen anything of)
8. Drunk Ashleigh
9. Michelle
10. Katheryn.

Ashley the teacher and Christina get the axe!

Stay tuned for next week, in which we think there is a date with Le Sausage ("Go Meat!") and somebody leaves before a rose ceremony!! Oooooo.

KLo