El Piloto Part 1: Highway To The Danger Zone

In the words of ye immortal Back Street Boys: Guess who's back, back in town? Jaques' back, gather round (as are ABe, the Mus, and the entire staff of the BNU, but I digress). And he is On The Wings Of Love, babies. Because, as the breathless promos ABC has been running all week remind us, "Jake . . . is a Pilot!!!!" We are also pretty sure that ABC thinks it is 1986 and that Jake The Pilot is late for a rendesvous with Kelly McGillis because she hasn't figured out that she is a lesbian yet. Why else would he be crotchrocketing off into the sunset in a giant nerf helmet and aviator shades, pausing only to meaningfully stare up at the planes as they soar over him at the ocean's edge?

But we get ahead of ourselves. First, we must suffer through Jacques getting the axe from Season Miss J. "Everything went in slo mo. I got crushed," says he. So, dear readers, our little Jacques went back to Texas, where he wandered the streets, his shower, and various exercisy locations, mostly shirtless, until slowly and surely he got better. This our thing (all of us): We understand that Jacques has fabulous abs. We have squeeled over the same on several occasions. But now we suddenly feel dirty as America's Next Top Model music pounds in the background of his nearly naked jumping jacks, and are very thankful for a) our afghan, b) the bottle of Dr. Jebediah Drinkwell's Meritage Blend, to get us through. As. Dr. Jeb says, "Dr. Drinkwell makes [The Bachelor] fun again."

Anyway, in addition to being a commercial pilot, the Flying J also loves acrobatic planes. According to Jacques, "Flying is like being in love. It's a hell of a drug." [everybody drink.]. Which is why, as his acrobatic plane free falls to the ground, we hear a desperate scream pierce the air. Coming Soon After this Season of the Bachelor: The Season Premiere of Lost. Thank God that Jacques also loves Shirtless Carpentry, Shirtless Cooking, and Shirtless Running, each a necessary skill to survival on a desert island.

But enough of Jacques. It's time to meet the women!! 100 years ago, we were cornered by our ballet mistress for a talk on "healthy eating" by a stick insect. Said insect told us of her desperate turn to Jenny Craig to fight the pound she could not shed, only to discover, upon counting the calories, that the culprit behind her weight "issue" was "too many muffins, girls, too many muffins." Thereby ruining one viewer's enjoyment of the tasty treat forever. And this is how we feel when faced with The Flying J Part 1. Too many women, babies, too many women. We hate this episode. So let's get started.

We first meet Ali, a 25 year old blonde advertising executive who is running haphazardly in the middle of the road and talks about the bad breakup that "me and my boyfriend" had. We fight off the grammar police because we actually like this girl. And also, she looks like El Piloto's mother (whom we previously saw in a "I want a traditional family just like my parents" montage earlier on. Whatever that means.). Ooo, could we be off to a good start?

. . . and then we meet (a la 40 Year Old Virgin) "Hi, my name's Gina." Okay so her real name is Alexis and she loves the motorcycles but we are a little scared.

Up next is Tenley, leaping around on the beach with a bunch of bent knees like she's got a dump in her pants. Tenley is a 25 year old, divorced college admissions counselor who moved to CA to become a dancer (a terrible one, by the looks of things). Which is why she has been Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, and some other Disney princess at a theme park. She wants to be, where the people are. . . . Suddenly we flash back to our sister SHa's Junior Miss Pageant days, and the contestant who sang that song in a fish tail and shells, sitting on the side of the stage. Burned in our brain is the part where she hoisted herself to standing in her little tail, right at the "bright young women, sick of swimmin' ready to staaaaaaaaaaand." ABe warbles softly to herself in the corner.

Joining Ali in the "Girls We Would Keep if We were Jake" group, we then meet Elizabeth, a 29 year old Captain in the Air Force. She claims to have no fashion sense, which we dispute, but she is calm and has the lowest voice by an octive of any of the "girls" thus far, so we want to keep her.

Captain Lizzie is followed by Rozlyn, a 28 year old model from Richmond, VA that we despise on sight, and Christina, a 25 year old restaurant manager that looks like she built her dress out of St. Patty's day bar napkins, admits she's a "little bitchy," and that her friends made her practice small talk with women about stuff she doesn't care about, like shoes.

And then, we meet Vienna, a University of Central Florida grad who is "currently unemployed." "Forever why?" we wonder, as she DOES have a degree in "Interpersonal Organizational Commmunication." Le Sausage is a "Daddy's girl," gentle readers. He has purchased her at least 5 cars, each of which she has wrecked. We secretly wish he had saved some of that money for A SHIRT to cover her ginormous tatas and the tattoo where her muffintop will be when she hits 30. Or alternatively, tennis shoes, considering the spectacular spill she almost takes while walking to her (daddy's) sailboat. Le Sausage has a "baby puppy, Chloe," and they have "mommy/daughter days" where they dress up alike. Dear god, she is one mammal away from being one of those people who raise chimps like children.

Thank God for Ashley, a 29 year old teacher whose mom has been sending her care packages with risque clothing for three months. We think we'll add her to our little kitty of People We Like.

We will NOT be adding Elizabeth the Nanny to our List, because we cannot look away from the five inches of flesh separating her breasts from each other. We will also not be adding Ella, a hairstylist from somewhere in the Extreme South, with a 7 year old son and a total conviction that she is going to end up with El Piloto. Did we mention that she is a boxer? Momma says knock you out, babies. Finally, we will not be adding Gia, a (current) swimsuit model and (former) dancer from New York. Gia is one of those simpering women with an extra bump shimmy in her step, a little girl voice, piles of hair, and a whole lotta fake bits. In honor of The Jersey Shore, we shall call her G-Pow.

Blah blah Kimberley is a 24 year old NBA dancer; 23 year old Emily is a "fit model" with ginormous teeth and yet another tinkly voice (yawn); Tiana is a 31 year old medical tech sales person that says everyone "better watch out," and Caitlyn, a "spokesmodel" (wtf) hopes that her pageant experience will help her. Yes, that and her connections to Ed McMahon (RIP) and the Star Search SpokesModel Competition. Kristen, 25 and from Kissimmee, Fla. will "cut a bitch." But perhaps the most terrifying of all is Michelle, a 25 year old Office Manager who is "ready to be a wife." Something about her intensity. And also, Rachel from Friends called, and she wants her vest back.

We get a break from the parade of babies (literally) for a soaping-of-the-midriff as Jake gets ready to meet them. He's going to "let his heart take the lead" as he rides his motorcycle up to the same damn mansion ABC has used for the last several seasons. Sayeth ABe: "I can't believe they're using the same mansion! Bleach everything." Sayeth KMu: "I'm sure many of them did." Query: Does the carpet match the curtains?

Anyway, Chris Harrison interrogates Jake, who admits that he wants un grande amore like his parents and often feels his lack of it on "stormy days." Rainy days and Sundays apparently always get him down. He's been on lots of first dates, but watching himself on Season Miss J makes him realize that hmm, maybe he gets a little too intense on those dates. Flying is a big deal to him, but would he give up flying for a woman who was terrified of it? "You know what, love is more powerful than flying," he says. [everybody drink]. Harkening back to our days of Christian camping, we sing "I will raise you up, on Eagles Wings . . . ." until ABe tells us to stuff it.

At last, the first limo arrives with:
1. Rozlyn, the model who tells The Flying J that her name means "little rose" and that he should "buckle his seatbelt because it's going to be a bumpy ride." [drink]
2. Emily with the teeth, wearing a green dress.
3. Ali (Team Ali!!!) who has lost her voice but brings Jake a Peacock feather because peacocks use them to "attract a mate." We heart you Ali, but that is stupid.
4. A NEW girl, Jessie from Canada who works in cosmetic sales and is wearing a crackho/flamenco dress. And also shrugs her shoulders 5 times, and asks Jake if he has a "registry for these guns" as she squeezes his arms. Meh.
5. Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah, aha haha ahahahhaa).

Then in Limo #2, we have:
6. Ella the hairstylist. We kind of like her dress, which is somewhat understated and does not have her Girls on display, though we are again freaked by her "how does it feel to be talking to your future wife."
7. A Bath Poof. Oh wait, it is Kathryn the Flight Attendant, another new person, wearing about 30 yards of tulle attached to fuschia spangly Mickey Mouse ears masquerading as a top.
8. Caitlyn the spokesmodel. Aquamarine spangles.
9. Captain Lizzie. Yay!!!
10. Alexis/Gina, seriously looking like a lamp. It is sheer and drapey in the middle, it is short and tight at the thigh, and it is accompanied by black leather gloves. Why? Because she rides a motorcycle, in case we missed it before. And demands that Jake let her ride in his plane in exchange for him driving her bike. [drink].

At this point, we have lost track of limos, so we are just going to pretend we are on Limo #3, which contains:
11. Le Sausage, who wants to feel El Piloto's abs.
12. Corrie from Kissimmee, who completely freaks Jake out by asking him "what do you think about Kissimmee."
13. NBA Dancer Kimberley and her hair helmet of death.
14. Valishia, yet another new chick. Valishia is a 32 year old homemaker whose breasts look like the top of a bread loaf, so sqeezed they are in her dress. We are wondering how someone with the profession of "homemaker" manages to be on this show. More importantly, if she is single, how does she manage to feed herself? Unless by "home maker" we literally mean she is into Shirtless Carpentry like Jake. At any rate, Valishia brought some dirt from Texas so she and the Flying J can have some "common ground."
15. G-Pow. Tight dress. Tan. The Jersey Shore.

In our next fictional limo, we have:
16. Elizabeth the Nanny, in a plunging top. Bad move, Nanny, as we Cannot. Look. Away. From. Breast. Void. and are pretty sure that is not the focus she intended us to have. The Nanny wants Jake to "close yer eyes and pitcher your favorite place. Where would it be?" Jake, trying to bullshit his way with chivalry, says "right here, right now." To which the Nanny responds, "really? Mine is snowboarding." ahahhahhaha. Point 1: Nanny-No-Nips.
17. Channy the Tranny, a 29 year old mortgage loan officer from California who speaks fluent Cambodian. Her drag queen shoes only confirm our suspicion that she was once secretly a small Asian boy.
18. Ashley the teacher. Okay, we love Ashley because in an ad break, KMu showed us a youtube clip of her being Woman of the Year, earning her masters by age 23, inspiring to her students, and so forth. But poor Ashley is wearing the ugliest hot pink dress ever. By now, we are severely fighting the urge to ROY G BV these women in all their jewel tones, and this dress is Not Helping.
19. Tiana. We are pretty sure she has had some work done.
20. Christina the self-described "bitchy" girl who shows up with a basket of jelly beans for the other girls. Party favors for the ones who get cut.

Finally, in the last pretend limo of the evening, we meet:
21. Drunk Ashleigh, a 25 year old "accounting manager" who stumbles into Jake from the limo and clings a little too tightly. "And what kind of accounts do you manage?" wonders KMu.
22. Christina -Cut-A-Bitch.
23. Stephanie, a New Chick and "Dance Teacher/Pom Coach" in a dress like a mountain top.
24. Sheila, the last New Chick. We want to like her because she is a commercial pilot like Jake and gives him a "pair of aviators because you and I are a pair of aviators," thereby displaying the first correct grammar of the evening, except she has a nervous laugh.
25. Michelle, the office manager who literally flies over to El Piloto with her arms outstretched and says "Hopefully in the end, I can be your copilot" [drink], followed by "I would love to be a passenger in your plane" [drink drink].

"Park yourself in my spacious hangar," says PMu.

Because this is long, we will simply note that the cocktail hour is One Big Shamefest of UnPunny Airplane Comments. Drunk Ashleigh wants a "direct flight to romance." [Drink]. Ali confesses that for 8 years, she was terrified of flying. [drink, though we love her]. Corrie from Kissimmee, who we have decided looks like Joan Rivers' daughter Melissa, prioritizes her life as 1. God, 2. Family, 3. Friends. Channey Tranney, after repeating her Cambodian message to Jake, gets a "gee that was pretty" out of El Piloto . . . only to translate her words as: "Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time." [drink]. Honey, we are pretty sure "Pretty" ain't what it is on ol' Channey Tranney's strip.

Ella tells Jakethat her 7 year old son wants to be a pilot. [drink]. Well, when This viewer was 7 years old, we wanted to be a librarian. And now look at us. Anyway, Ashley the teacher changes into a "copilot outfit," which basically translates into Britney Spears a la Toxic, and which we still feel is better than her real dress. [drink]. Nanny-No-Nips thinks that the copilot outfit is "desperate," which is why SHE brought a football to throw with Jake. Said throwing devolves into a football game (blondes versus brunettes, some still wearing their heels), which ends when Jake runs away with the ball, followed by a stampede of women.
"This is like a really fucked up Pied Piper," says KMu. True dat.

Then: da da DUM, Chris Harrison brings out the First Impression Rose. Oh oh oh, and to help give it out, here is Jillian and Ed to interview the ladies!!! We don't see much of this except some dancing, but back at the ranch, Le Sausage has managed to get Jake to feel both up AND down her dress by suggesting that he experience how hard her "heart is racing" and then kiss the bump on her leg from softball. Kathryn the Poof informs him that she wears a fake engagement ring to keep the boys off at her job (flight attendant; okay that makes sense). Stephanie Pom Coach wants to teach him how to dance, Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah) informs Jake that she checks her credit score, and Michelle . . . has a break down. She is off in the corner crying, wants to express to Jake how she is there to "share her love," says she wants children 4 times in a row, and generally boils a bunny. Ed and Jill suggest to El Piloto that Michelle might be a teensy bit too intense for him.

But, apparently impressed with the credit score checking, the first impression rose goes to Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah). We are pretty sure we would not give her this, as she has a tinkly voice, pushed for a kiss and then cried about it because she was "not ready," but this is why we are 1) not on the show, and 2) older than every single one of these contestants.

At last, it is time for The Flying J to make our lives easier by narrowing the women down to 15. ABe, KMu and I have our favorites (Ali, Captain Lizzie), and yet he picks to join Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah):
1. Ella creepy intense boxer lady/momma.
2. Nanny-No-Nips.
3. Ali (thank god).
4. Le Sausage
5. Christina the "bitchy" one.
6. G-Pow.
7. Ashley the teacher (yay!).
8. Rozlyn.
9. Jessie from Canada.
10. Corrie Rivers.
11. Valishia, the mysteriously self-employed "homemaker"
12. Drunk Ashleigh.
13. Kathryn of the Poof.
14. Crazy Michelle.

WHAT????? Ali-One is now our Only Hope. We canNOT believe El Piloto cut Captain Lizzie. We mourn for her, but not so much for the others because really, the pickings were slim to begin with.

We hope you watch this season unfold with us Babies, like a lotus blossom, on the wings of love. We are so glad to be back.

KLo