El Piloto Part 3: Should I Stay or Should I Go

Chris Harrison has put a jacket over his pajamas and is espousing the need to "move on" after Cha Cha Gate as El Piloto Part 3 begins in the early morning air. We have already forgotten about Rozlyn and her "inappropriate relationship," and we are pretty sure the women have too. But oh oh oh, to cement that fact, here is date card #1 . . . for Le Sausage!! "Let's fall head over heels together," it reads. We are not entirely comforted, considering the flying theme of all prior date cards. If we were to write this date card, it would read: "Dear Sausage, our engine has blended a bird an we are Going Down. Come, let us Travel to the Center of the Earth."

But anyway, Le Sausage is so excited, she has whipped out her horrible crochet top again. Or maybe Michelle has merely sliced said top into a million shreds with her lazer-beam eyeballs of death. We have minimal time to ponder, as suddenly Jake is picking Le Sausage up on his Nerfcycle and all she "is thinking about is I'm holding onto him so tightened." hm. Meanwhile, the Flying J is noting that Le Sausage is "blunt. honest. intense. I've never dated a girl like that before. She's a little outside of my comfort zone, but on this journey, I want to take risks." Um, Jillian? And also, bunt cake anyone? Off Jake and Le Sausage ride to a cliffy outcropping, where they wait for . . . a helicopter (I am shocked). It is at this point when we get a good look at Le Sausage's top. When we were a child, we loved infomercials for the Latch Hook pot holder and this stapler that magically crocheted flowers into a blanket. Apparently, so did Le Sausage.

As the women back at the house discuss how "if he likes HER, then he will SO not like me," Le Sausage and Jake awkwardly helicopter their way straight into A Cravasse. Yay! They get to bond over their shared fear of dropping hundreds of feet into Nature's Crack! Jake "can't be strong 100% of the time," blah blah he has a panic attack and she is "so strong and nuturing" through it, blah blah blah. And then suddenly, "yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!" someone has let out a highpitched scream as the duo free-fall bungy jump, and KMu is pretty sure it is El Piloto. Of course, they share their first kiss 70 feet upside down.

Now we are at dinner, and Le Sausage has wrapped herself in an astroturf off-the-shoulder casing. They are also drinking wine from the most ginormous wineglasses ever as Jake and Le Sausage share a Deep and Meaningful Conversation: "What I am looking for in a wife is a nurturer. I saw a real nurturing side of you today. I would not have wanted to share this experience with anyone else." And also, "one thing I know," says Jake, "is that Vienna is here for the right reasons." Okay, Le Sausage is 23. But by now we are distracted from Le Sausage's post-college, pre-employment tendencies to focus all her concern and energy on El Piloto by the fact that they are sitting on THE KITTY. Sayeth KMu: "If somebody put a black light on that thing, it would look like a crime scene."

Blah blah they both want something special, and, after "You are so honest. I have asked you some pretty stern questions and you have such great answers," we aren't listening to their conversation because our eyeballs are bleeding with boredom. Blah Blah hot tub, strawberries, bikini with a butt ruffle to cover the diaper, and she gets the rose. She announces in her best little girl voice that she is "on cloud Jake right now!" and that the "best day of her life will be when she marries Jake." We wonder if she isn't a bit cross-eyed and rewind in slow motion to confirm. Yes, yes she is.

So here we are at the house again, and the Group Date card has come for: Corrie Rivers, Nanny-No-Nips, Ali, TenArial, Jessie, Drunk Ashleigh, Kathryn, and Batshit Michelle. "Love is no laughing matter, or is it?" says the card. Yes, send in the clowns, ABC. Oh, don't bother: they're here. Michelle, formerly mad not to get any date time with Jake, is now mad because she got GROUP date time with him.

We have our own fears and concerns as Jake brings the women to . . . John Lovitz's comedy club. "As you can see, we are at . . the club." says El Piloto, "sippin on some bubb, mama I got watchu need . . . ." Ok not really, but we have to sing something to get us through the terror John Lovitz's random, suspiciously tipsy appearance, and announcement to the group that they will indeed by doing their own stand-up routines . . . in front of a live audience!! Drunk Ashleigh, wearing an iron breastplate, starts to cry. So Jake gives her a joke that is "easy to memorize." Oh, this is going to be good. And so, our evening begins:
1. Ali: "Why was Tiger looking in the toilet? For Pooh!!" chirp.
2. Torrie: "My family is in the sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding: They're so Fat You Can't Even Tell They're Greek." chirp chirp. And also, we still don't know you.
3. TenAriel: Does a self exam, putting her feet behind her head.
4. Nanny-No-Nips: Thought she "found love in Utah, because [bleep and [bleep bleep]." El Piloto is all shocked that Ncubed is raunchy. Yes, Shocked I Tell You.
5. Kathryn, the only cleverish one, calls El Piloto onto the stage and encourages him to get closer and closer until he finally kisses her, and then announces that was her goal. Danger: Michelle is full-on 4 boiled bunnies in a rocking cradle at that one. And then . . .
6. Batshit Michelle's turn. Dear readers, she has already announced to the world that her first kiss with El Piloto will be "long and passionate. Soft. Crazy tongue in the mouth. Wild pulling of hair or whatever. Pulling the clothes off." We have had to shake it off already during the course of El Piloto Part 3, and yet she has no mercy on us:
"Anyone notice that there aren't any coconuts in these trees? They're on me, of course, waiting for Jake. " [insert heavyset man in audience shaking his head "oh hell no."]
"I've never been golfing before, but I see that I'm on the green . . . waiting for that hole to get time with Jake." [insert audience woman: "that ain't right."]
We, and the entire live viewing audience, are creeped out. So, after John Lovitz wordlessly acknowledges the fear we now all share, he segues to. .. .
7. Drunk Ashleigh. Except, not yet because she gets stage fright.
8. Corrie Rivers, and her impressions of the other women in the house. We understand that this is supposed to be funny, but we don't really think it is. And also, most of it is about Le Sausage, which discomfits El Pilot, mainly because he was born under a rock. "Poor Vienna, bless her heart, she wasn't here to defend herself," says he. And then finally. . . .
9. Drunk Ashleigh, take 2 comes on stage. Living up to her name, Ashleigh reads a series of sloshy blonde jokes and beats a quick retreat.

Thank god we are now halfway through the date, eating fondue in a "Penthouse." But we vomit a little as someone puts a marshmallow into the fondue pot, thereby destabilizing its suspended firmness into a jiggling mass of whippitude. To get us through, Babies, we must focus on Jake's riveting conversation about how he "knows how" everyone feels when he gives another woman a hug, but Must Do It for the good of the show and his future happiness.

We are taking one For The Team, Babies, as this is possibly the most Uneventful and Boring Bachelor Ever.

TenAriel then steals Jacques away for some 1:1 time, in which she tearfully reveals that she is divorced in her tiny little tea leaf voice. But this is our thing (all of us): ABC has been showing promos all week in which TenArial announces this very moment that (ah, ah ahah ah) she has indeed had the full panoply of human experience and is currently pregnant. Oddly, this little soundbite is totally missing from the episode itself. Once you jump the shark, ABC, you can't unjump it.

But whatever. We cannot be distracted by TenArial, as Michelle has accelerated from Code Yellow to a full on Four Bunny Code Red Alert in the span of 10 minutes. We blaze through 1:1 time with Drunk Ashleigh and Ali, both of whom we are liking less by their constant obsession over Le Sausage being Bad for Jake, as Michelle fumes more and more about other women getting time with him. We almost don't care that Ali is happy that Jake is happy that she is happy, and that he is happy in his job. Because, Gentle Readers, Michelle is up next and she is On a Mission: "I am ready to get married and give my mother another grandbaby. Everyone in my family says it is my turn. I am hear to find love and marriage. My brother has that. My mother wants that. I want that." [crying]. Speaking truth, Nanny No Nips comments that Michelle needs a therapist, not a husband.

And so the time with Jacques and Michelle begins:
Michelle: "It's true I have been crying, but I am not over-emotional or dramatic." [Says ABe, channeling Lucille Bluth: "Everything they do is so flamboyant and dramatic, it makes me want to set myself on fire!").
Jake: "I am really ready for this day to be over."
Michelle: "Me too. I feel like I am the only person here for the right reasons. I really really REALLY want a husband. . . . Would it be awkward if I kissed you to see if there was something . . . for me?"
[Corrie Rivers from down below: "They just kissed and I watched it." Yes, Corrie, and we all threw up a little.]
Michelle: "That's it? You have to give me more than that."
Jake: "Like I said, I am really ready for this night to be over."
Michelle: "I understand how you are feeling. And I must tell you that I must go home. To have this time with you and not be able to kiss you. . . "
Jake: "Dude, you've threatened to go home twice. So I think you should" [sidebar: what? Did Jacques just rise in our estimation?]
Michelle: "I can't believe this is happening! I have been kicked to the curb! I had no clue!!"

We feel the mental dots not connecting, and are secretly glad that Michelle is not around anymore, even if we still have Le Sausage to contend with. You see, my dears, Le Sausage has been busy making friends while we have been away. The final date box has cometh for Ella, and Le Sausage has stolen her thunder by preaching about how, after spending the entire day together, Ella will see how wonderful El Piloto is. This, naturally, precipitates a fight in which GPow tells her she has crossed the line, and so Le Sausage storms up to her room to journal: "Dear Jake, if you are reading this, it is because I am gone . . . That's right. I have died. Of dysentery."

So here we are on Date #3. Ella is so excited that she has worn her very best tunic, boots, and Christmas wreath. Her "day is fihnally heyhr," and of course, that day involves a helicopter ride to . . . SeaWorld. During said helicopter ride, Ella decides that the Flying J is "incredible, honest" and that she wants him to "know evahrything about mehy." Which is why they talk about Jake being a pilot (Jake? Is a Pilot?) and how she wishes her son, Evan, could be there to share in the pilotness.

Blah blah they sit and talk awkwardly at SeaWorld until Jake "surprises" Ella with her son. "Mehy little mahyn. Mehy baby. Meyh Gawd." she mumbles as she pats Evan all over his face. And this is our thing: damn you, ABC, for shoplifting the pootie. We are mad at the continual toying with the single parents, and the foisting of children onto the set. We choose our Harlequin romances for the absence of children and crazy hero names ("Stone" and "Stryker" to name a few) and so too should ABC. As Mr. T. told us long ago: "Mother. There is no other. Like Mother. So Treat Her Right." That is all.

Ella, El Piloto, and Evan feed dolphins and penguins, swim with dolphins, and have a picnic sitting alongside a giant stuffed Shamu. Naturally, Jacques/ABC has gotten a little toy airplane for Evan, who mostly plays while Ella talks about how he "is the ahngel ah never thought ah deserved." Jake asks what Ella would think about getting engaged at the end of this process, and she is ecstatic. Transparent as always, Jacques gives her the rose because "The only thing I have to offer is honesty. You are a great mother. And you are truly a . . . great mother." We are so depressed.

Fortunately, we get to go to bed soon because it is the rose ceremony! (and also, we love sleep). Off the bat, Nanny No Nips is up for some 1:1 time. "I'm going to ask you a really hard question," says she, "are you good at backrubs?" And suddenly, we feel the burning rage. You have six weeks with this person, woman, and you are spending all of your conversation time talking about how you might want to kiss maybe sometime and asking him about his backrub prowess. GAHH. And then, El Piloto snaps too, pointing out that she is the queen of mixed signals and that though he knows people who elect not to kiss before marriage for spiritual reasons, if that's not her bag, then it "isn't right." Oh oh oh, El Piloto we must shelter this small flame of common sense!!!

And then, Le Sausage cuts in. We hate her dress, which is blue satin, tight, with spanglies outlining the bust seems. Nanny No Nips is mad at the interruption, but really we have no use for her and so Go Meat! But we are, by now, irritated with Ali for continually heckling the crowd into turning on Le Sausage, and so our irritation only grows when Ali turns on Le Sausage again after Ncubed runs crying back to the other women. "I am not a fish in the pond, waiting for a bait," says No Nips. "I am still choosing him. He needs to remember that. I am 29 [*cough43*] years old and very selective. I don't need a date." We secretly love that these women come unglued when Jacques actually calls their bluff.

And he picks:
1. GPow: Off the shoulder, pink.
2. Corrie Rivers, who has glued all her various chains to her dress, so as not to lose any one of them.
3. TenArial, in full prom curl glory.
4. Ali. We heart her dress.
5. Jessie. WE DON'T KNOW YOU. And also, striped sequins is a World Of No.
6. Kathryn.
7. Drunk Ashleigh!!!

Valishia the homemaker and Nanny No Nips go home!! We feel bad for Valishia and not at all for No Nips.

Stay tuned for next week, in which we embark on Road Rules: The Bachelor. Ugh.

KLo.