El Piloto Part 6: In the Ghe-tto

It is almost the "end of our journey," babies! We are at the hometown dates, which we jump right into with GPow, wearing yet another off-the-shoulder-tshirt-bedazzled-with-gold-paint. "I am so excited to be in NYC. This is me," she says. Which is, of course, the purpose of said dates. She has "never dated someone like" El Piloto, and can "finally let her guard down." As there is no better way to relax ones guard than on top of a boat with no one else around, GPow decides to show El Piloto the city by water. After changing clothes into a babydoll trenchcoat and stretch jeans, that is. There is something unsettling about this outfit, but we can't put our finger on it . . . .

Oh, the romance! GPow has brought a camera, and soon she is pointing out the empire state building, lady liberty, and so forth. Jacques, in a voiceover, talks delightedly about how "when I kiss Gia, I get lost in it. There is such a burning desire to know her . . . heart." KSco, satellite viewer, is traumatized by the choker he appears to be wearing as he makes such a confession. WE are traumatized by his choker, as on further inspection it appears to be some sort of Rastafarian relic. We are not quite sure how El Piloto managed to get ahold of this. But suddenly, we are more traumatized because GPow has taken off her jacket and KMu is screaming: "OH MY GOD IT IS GIRARDO'S RICO SUAVE VIDEO OUTFIT!!" It's true, babies. While she *is* wearing a shirt, it is a white lace tank top, with the same belt, same jeans, and same scarf (though not in her hair) as our beloved gigolo.

El Piloto and GPow stop making out long enough to discuss past relationships. GPow, gentle readers, has dated a cheater and a "young guy," would give her the silent treatment when they fought. We are unsurprised that she has dated some craptastic people, and also unsurprised that El Piloto comforts GPow that he does not resolve conflict in such a manner, and . . . off we go to dinner with mom Dana, Ponytailed step dad Tony, Stepbrother Eric, and halfbrother Dylan.

Okay, we love Donna. "My mom is very intuitive. She can read someone just like that," says GPow. She is also a total Broad. But we are mostly interested in her dress, which we are pretty sure is one inch away from being a silken t-shirt, or is already if only she would stand up straight. After much discussion about Having Ones Back around the dinner table, Donna hauls El Piloto out for some 1:1 time. "Is he gonna break my G's haht?" wonders Donna. "You're datin' 4 women at the same time, and one of 'em's my G? What makes Gia so special?" Apparently that G is "real organic" and "natural," to the Piloto.

Not so her brother Eric, whose hair we Cannot Get Past. Babies, he is Gilded. As Eric talks to GPow out on the balcony, we get a 360 view, and it is all somehow up in the air at the same moment, and moist . . . yet not moist . . . yet frozen in time with burnt auburn edging. One time, we dated a boy who bought fancy shampoo to bring out his highlights. We got in trouble when we teased him about his hairs and then realized He Was Serious about It. We are pretty sure that Brother Eric would be the same way. "Just watch out, aight?" he tells GPow. And then later to El Piloto: "She's been cheated on." Oh gee, we feel so much better that El Pilot is "not jealous, but _extremely_ protective" in a relationship.

And then, Donna and GPow drunkenly stumble out into the street and head for a ledge. The entire BNU watches in horror, ABE gasps "don'tsitdown!," but there is nowhere, NOWWHERE to look, gentle readers, but up Donna's silken sheath and From Whence GPow Came. GPow confesses to her mother that the "problem" she and El Piloto are having is that he does the same things with her that he does with the other women, such as handholding. We don't know what to say, and are still traumatized by our Journey Into the Origins. But ABe does: "where are all the black people?!? This is NYC!"

But before ABe can see a POC, we are off to another racially-diverse melting pot, Williamstown, Mass. to meet Ali's family. El Piloto has "real strong" feelings for this one, my dears, and is "ready to get real close" to her. We do not understand, because she is wearing spandex leggings and cowboy boots. When we were in high school, our friend LGi went to south Texas for awhile. And when she came back, she was wearing spandex leggings and cowboy boots. We gasped in horror, but soon we were wearing leggings too (and cowboy boots, but not together). So, on the one hand, while we can understand Ali's fashion choices, we do not understand why it is South Texas circa 1994 in Williamstown at this moment.

At any rate, Ali last went home for her grandma's funeral. After this fact, it remains important, gentle readers, for any man Ali dates to MEET her dead grandma, and to see how much she has shaped Ali's life. "I was thinking we could go to the estate sale . . . " says KMu. So off we go to Dead Grandma's House, where Ali lived during college. We see a picture of said Grandma, and conclude that Ali will not Age Well. Ali emotionally tells of her time with grandma, and how "right before she passed, I called her and told her that she was going to meet this boy [Jake]."
Whispering, KMu channels Dead Grandma: "Ali is going on a Reality TV show. I can let go now." As they make out in the front yard of Grandma's house, Ali says that "my grandma accepted Jake into our life at that moment" and that she was "in tears, looking down at us."
"Yeah, get the f*ck out of my house," says KMu.

So they do, and soon we are at Ali's house having dinner with mom Beth, sister Rya, and brother Mikey. We love Beth, who looks like our Mennonite ancestors right down to the suspiciously homemade-looking sweater, and their house that seems full of lived-in-ness. Beth tells El Piloto that she was impressed with a clip she saw of him on television, in which he was talking about Inner Beauty or some such nonesense, and later gives her blessing when El Piloto asks for permission to marry Ali (if, you know, he decides to pick her). In 1:1 time with Ali, mom Beth is an allstar. And then, we have The Confession! Ali tells El Pilot that she is "so happy" and that if he were to ask her today, she would say yes!!! "Finally," says Jacques, "I can take this glove off" (hahahhaa). Okay, not really, but he does take his gloves off at that moment to kiss her.

And then we are in Newburg, Oregon to see TenArial!! We are very tired, at this point, of watching women crotchrocket at El Piloto and swing around in greeting. We are also very tired of hearing about TenArial's ex. She is "so relieved Jake is not like her ex" babies. Which is why she is taking him to Harlem. "In the ghe--tto . . . and his momma cries .. . " we sing until we realize that it is not Harlem, but CHEharlem Dance Studio and we lose all our thunder. TenArial, my loves, started teaching dance there when she was "very little." And it suddenly makes sense. We are now quite confident TenArial began teaching at age 12, is called "Miss TenArial" by her students, won first place at the Tween Twirler awards a few years back, and got cut from the east coast So You Think You Can Dance auditions last year.

But none of this matters, babies, because TenArial wants to show El Piloto a "little bit of my insides." We secretly hope TenArial's insides aren't like Donnas, and this feeling Does Not Improve when TenArial announces that she expresses herself through dance. "My ex, "TenArial informs us, "never saw me dance. The dance that was in my SOUL." Which is why she choreographed a little dance especially for El Piloto. We start deep breathing and promise ourselves that so long as she does not start Signing to a Christian Music song, we will not start screaming. And then it starts, and these are things we Do Not Understand, in no particular order:
1. Why did she tape her feet? And moreover, why did she use that crappy water-proof tape?
2. Why is she wearing falsies? And biker shorts? (which never NEVER have been okay, even in a leggings-with-cowboy-boots world). Under a skirt?
3. why why WHY the pachabel canon?
We know that this is no "little dance" as the Pachabel Canon is like 6 minutes long. And while she is not nearly as bad a dancer in the studio as she was on the beach in El Piloto Part 1, we are still forcibly reminded of that awkward scene in A Chorus Line. You know the one (all of you): "Let me dance for you, let me trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyy, let me dance for you, we made a lot of music dancing you. and. I. . . . " We are convinced, after seeing numerous middle-aged women race around the stage in high-cut leotards during local theater productions, that this scene should be cut from every version of that musical except the movie version. And TenArial is about six inches from high cut leotards right at this moment.

Thank goodness we have dinner with Dad Rob, Mom Beth, and sister Carly. El Piloto is the "first guy" TenArial has "brought home since the divorce." We are starting to wonder when, exactly, this divorce occurred. El Piloto's largest concern, at this point, is that TenArial is "over her ex." Our largest concern is why TenArial's mother looks our approximate age (okay, maybe a little older). TenArial's biggest concern is making it on America' s Got Talent: "When I danced for Jake today, I got all choked up," she announces at the dinner table. Betty wants to know: "So, TenArial got to show you what she loves to do. When is she going to see what you love to do?" El Pilot stares blankly at her and then says "Oh, you mean aviation?"
Jake? Is a Pilot? Damn, I completely forgot.

Okay, so then we have a series of 1:1s that can be summed up very easily. Dad Rob is relieved that El Piloto's priorities would be to his wife and family. TenArial, says Rob, would bring a lot of "joy into a home." Crap, WE would bring a lot of joy home with us if we didn't have to work (which we are going to be late for shortly babies. Apologies.). Betty gets choked up because the ghost of husbands past has traumatized TenArial, and she will likely have some spillovers from her divorce for "awhile." But if anyone is ready for a quickie marriage after a painful divorce, "It's TenArial." We at the BNU decide that it would assist All Involved if ABe's dad stepped in for the parents at the Hometown Date stage of this show: "So, do you vote? Have a job?"

El Piloto ALSO asks TenArial's dad for his blessing to marry TenArial, TenArial announces that her "heart feels safe" with him, and we are onto more important things: How Sausage is Made.

Le Sausage is the last of the hometown dates, and the only one to wear impossibly short shorts and about 2o layered t-shirts over a swimsuit. "There is just something real natural about Vienna and I," says El Pilot and we have no words. Except maybe "silicone." and "injectibles." and "wtf." She is a Florida girl through and through, according to her, which is supposed to explain the outfit, the giant golden charm necklace, and the fact that they are now on a pontoon boat in which he is awkwardly lying across both of her legs while simultaneously driving.

Le Sausage, my babies, is ready Not to Make the Same Mistakes Twice, with respect to her prior marriage. That's why she went to school and has done "everything she wants to do," at age 23, and is now ready to try again. And even if this sentence does not strike cold hard fear into the heart of El Piloto, we do not understand why the hair of Le Sausage's sister, Kayla, and mother Lisa, do not. If sheepdogs could talk, Kayla and Lisa would find their pack. We challenge Kayla and Lisa to a hair-off with GPow's Brother Eric.

At any rate, Le Sausage's father, Vincent, is in tears. As he kisses Le Sausage's little dog, which he has been carrying in her absence, and puts her down on the floor, he turns to Le Sausage with hugs and kisses and weeping and gnashing of teeth over how the last few weeks (five?) have been so long. Later on, in 1:1 time, Vinny questions whether Le Sausage is falling for El Piloto. "Oh, I am falling for him, and really hard. I've loved people before, but never been IN love," she says. So, she has liked boys, but not LIKE liked boys before. We understand now. Vinny later tells El Piloto the Facts of Life with Le Sausage in the shed over Vinny's motorcycle: "I've always treated her just like a princess and I expect you to do the same. And she'll do the same for you. Your house will be clean and your kids raised good." Once again, we have no words.

And El Piloto, bless his misguided heart, is "failling hard for Vienna." The other girls, he tells Le Sausage's family, don't like her because they are "jealous" of his attention to her. Yes yes, says Kayla, Le Sausage has been dealing with that all her life. But El Piloto is in love with her "brutal honesty," and it is scary to Fall So Hard. This date ends with Vinny's admonition to keep 12 inches between El Piloto and Le Sausage while they make out on the sofa.

And finally, it is the day of the rose ceremony! But, CRISIS, there is a knock on the door, and it is Ali's grandma "I am the ghost of Christmas past," she says. Okay, not really but it IS Ali, and she has come with some bad news: she must choose between going home to work, or losing her job to stay with him. And she needs him to help her make that decision.

Okay, we have Had It. This was semi-believable in Season Miss J, when Ed suddenly had to leave for work after nine years of Bachelor contestants had no employment issues with filming this show. But to have it happen again is totally not credible. And also, El Piloto is being a total Weenie Tot about it. "Life is about minimizing your regrets," he tells her. "I can't look you in the eye and tell you that you're going to get the final rose . . . but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that you won't, either.' Grrrrrrl, you better get your track shoes on. We are wholly unimpressed with El Piloto right in this moment and want to pull Ali up from her little shoulders (ABe is convinced she is teary for lack of food) and tell her to Dodge the Bullet. DODGE THE BULLET, Ali. That is all. But she is not ready, and decides to Announce Her Decision at the rose ceremony.

Which is upon us. As Ali gets out of the limo, we hear El Piloto say that he will do a backflip if she stays, devastated if she goes, and unable to make that decision for her. GAH. It is called making a decision together, dumbass. But we are distracted from El Piloto's dumbassery by Le Sausage, who has chosen to show up in a dress with a crack ruffle up the back. Yes babies. It is a ruffle. Along her crack. Fortunately, we love GPow's red dress, which more than makes up for the crack ruffle and TenArial's subsequent Ode to Green Satin Tunics.

But oh no! Ali asks to speak with Chris Harrison! He takes her to the deliberation room, where El Piloto hauls her legs into his lap (ooo, GPow is gonna be pissed) and we have like, 15 minutes of hemming and hawing. These are my thoughts: Pull the Trigger. And also, Ladybits (as they are on display). ABe, channeling her father once again, shouts "don't be dependent on no man for nothing!" and, finally hearing the wisdom of our beloved LBe I, Ali says she "must go." So now HE starts to cry, they walk to her departure limo, and he says "I feel you are slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." Yes yes, Ali is exactly like Sands through the Hourglass. Now lets get on with it.

Jacques returns to the ceremony after a brief stint of weeping over the bannister, decides he must find his inner strength to shoulder on, and picks . .. no one. "Well, come get your roses, ladies. I don't have to give them out anymore," says he.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to St. Lucia with Le Sausage, GPow, and TenArial, and El Piloto gets a call from Ali. Shocked, we are.

KLo