El Piloto Part 8: Downward Shame Spiral

Babies, we are on a Downward Shame Spiral, known also as The Women Tell All. We may have eaten T. Bell and ice cream all of last week, but it has not prepared us. And our pilot on this venture (Jake? Is a Pilot?) is El Piloto. "Coffee, tea, . . . or me?" poses PMu.

We jump right in with Nanny No Nips blowing kisses to the audience as Chris Harrison announces that "more viewers than ever watched this season." We simply cannot understand why, even when he recaps the Most Shocking Moments Ever on Season El Piloto:

1. Rozlyn. The screen goes hazy as we see back into Olden Times, when Rozzie got the axe. Or perhaps it is the haze of alcohol through which we watched that episode (all of use). Discovering that Rozlyn was having an Unspecified But Surely Illicit Relationship with A Producer Who Shall Not Be Named certainly "knocked me off my high horse," says Jacques. Nobody tell Walker, Texas Ranger or El Piloto might not get to be an extra on that show again any time soon.
2. Nanny No Nips. We burn BURN with mortification as we are forced to watch N-cubed read her note about not kissing with its scripted laughter: "You think I am kidding about this. Ha. Ha. But I am not," followed by a whole montage of "do you wanna kiss me" moments. El Piloto, describing this particular moment in a pre-taped interview, says The Nanny "exceeded a boundary, and now you are outside of a fence." Once, our male college friends hopped a fence and did a Buck Run across a childrens' little league game. The children screamed and ran away, but the mothers were like "yeah, YEAH!!!!" While we personally might feel like the children during this segment, we secretly think that Chris Harrison is like the mothers.
3. Picking up speed in our Shame Spiral, we come to Le Sausage and El Piloto jumping into The Crevasse. We have nothing to add to this other than : Ew.
4. And then: TenAriel and El Piloto, falling in love at the tip of the Peoples Penis of the Lefthand States. Liturgical turtleneck. Let me dance for you, let me try. Rage. We don't understand why this is a "most shocking" moment, unless we have now segued into "The Bachelor: To All the Ones I've Loved Before."
5. Finally, we are presented with Ali's departure. As this is Still Fresh, we will not recap, except to say that El Piloto does not know what it will be like to see her again.

And now, we have ridden our sprial like a gumball to the very rock bottom of the Sea of Flesh, and it is populated with Bachelor Contestants from Yore. This is a "Sexy New Phenomenon," announces Chris Harrison, called "Bachelor Cast Reunions." We nearly have a seizure as the first person we are presented with is Jesse from Season Double D in a hot pink shirt and fedora, speaking to us from the Las Vegas Reunion. This is "kinda like a fraternity," says he.
"Yeah, a white one," says ABE.
And then here is Danutalie from season Big Daddy, talking about how she loves shoes, shopping, and . . . bears. And Twilley from Season We Can't Remember. And Richard! Richard the Science Teacher WE LOVE YOU evenifyouarestickingyourtonguedownsomebody'smouth. And then: LE CA from season PLo!!!!!! Le Ca is still single, babies. But she has a ginormous "still single" ring to show for it, and a new tiara. And, she is going to LAW SCHOOL. And also, she has a crystal gavel to "rule on which match ups" between former contestants "are the best." I mean, really. Not only are all the lawyers on this show batshit, but now one of the most batshit contestants is actually becoming a lawyer? We weep for the profession. At least there is still Gwen from Season Aaron Burge. Still single. Still a nice normal person.

Oh, but we are not done. Now we are on a Mexican Cruise, and Rozbo from Season Miss J is mixing drinks for everyone while Nikki from Season Big Daddy is throwing her tatas around and announcing that she wants to be a "bad girl" now. GAH. And here is Danutalie again, hooking up with all the boys. "I haven't hooked with everyone!!! I've just 'taken naps' with them," says she. Ew. We wonder if one of them is Wes from Season Miss J, even though he is still looking like he has a crusty mouth and also there is this: "My dating life didn't exactly suck to begin with. Now, since the show, I have had like 1,000 more nipples." Which we had to watch three times to understand he said "NIBBLES." We overhear him saying to Nikki that he has "kinda had his share of hot chicks." Well, Wes, they say that love don't come eeeeaaaaaaasy.

In sum, and according to That Man Whose Name We Cannot Remember But Who Had a Tanning Bed In His Home And Also Was a Martial Arts Instructor Or Something: "These bonds won't disintigrate soon." Yes, nothing is the Tie That Binds so much as a shared STD.

Oh, but we are not done. We are then accosted by "The Bachelor Gives Back" segment, which we secretly think is probably more like "Baby Got Back," as we again see Le Ca making the charity circuit. But here is Sara and Charlie from Season Charlie (we wonder if they are still together?), and Matt from Season Rocky, and B Boy from Season Miss J! We love LOVE b boy, who says that "getting involved in charities is never, never bad." We wish he had been made the Bachelor, even if he was only 24, because it might have saved us from things like this:
Double D to 5th grade boy: "Would you come on the Bachelor and find true love with me?"
5th grade boy: "No. You're too big."
Clearly, what every woman wants to hear. But no time to dwell, as Chris Harrison is suddenly handing Ellen DeGeneris a $10,000 check for Haiti as if it is a Big Deal, even though we think this must be the approximate cost of filming one helicopter date. And El Piloto is talking to a classroom full of Saint Lucians. And then here is Shayne of the Llamas from Season Rocky! And JuanyOnly from Season Miss J! They are handing food out to the Poor POCs as the POCs talk about how it is difficult to find food these days. Classy, ABC. We wish Tannest were here, handing out foot massages to all the needy women.

Finally, it is the actual episode, and we skim the panel of axed contestants: Channy Tranny! Drunk Ashleigh! Corrie Rivers!! Crazy Michelle! Ali! GPow! And lots of others. But we are sick of recaps, and so we fundamentally refuse to do them again, except for this:
"That girl, she shits rainbows," says GPow of TenAriel. "Yes, it is like she fell out of a Disney movie" says someone else, and also: "she just twinkles around." hahahaha, we wish GPow were the next Bachelorette, as she is a strange mix of trucker and class. But now Chris Harrison wants the womens' thoughts on Le Sausage, and GPow is convinced that the Meat is misunderstood. "She's a good person. She just doesn't think before she speaks." "Right," says Ella-the-Mom, "She's 23. Not to sayh that ahl 23 year olds are immature, but she ihs."
"Let's get to Michelle. She will creep us out," says ABe.
But no no, we have to beat a horsey woman, and that woman is Rozlyn. "I just want to know the facts," says Chris Harrison. GPow dishes that Rozzie was not always in her bedroom at night. Drunk Ashleigh says she saw cuddling and some kissing on the forehead. We start to feel as though this alleged affair is ridiculous, as must the viewing audience, and so Chris Harrison asks:
"Did anyone see anything specific?"
"Like a penis?" asks KMu.
And then that Woman Who Never Talked Ever (Jessie?) is suddenly "oh yes, one time I came back to the house because I was sick, and I saw the producer lying on the steps, and Rozlyn lying on top of him, and they were making out." What is this, the Thomas Crowne Affair? Then Ella jumps in: "One tiyme, I was fixin' to go to bed. And Rozlyn was on ahll fours on the sofa, in these teehny shorts. And she stuck her front pahrt down and said 'somebody tell the producer Eyh need to be put to behd." Yes yes, gasps all around. We are really sick of this, so we go to GPow.

GPow must relive her "journey," babies, including the "it's okay to fall" scene in the winery. Next time she falls. In love. She'll know better what to do. Oooo ooo oo oo! But we do love how she is so graceful about the whole thing, and we decide, again, that we want her to be the next Bachelorette. Even if her hot pink sequins are a World of No.

Not so much Crazy Michelle, who looks like she just came back from a funeral in Hoochyville. Even though it is ABe's very wish, we are still mortified to see Michelle's flashbacks of wanting to "be Jake's copilot" and the tears! and the cackles! And the bad kiss! So Crazy Michelle takes the "hot seat" to discuss her behavior, insisting to Chris Harrison that "no, no, I wasn't playing any game." "Bullshit" says Jared the Subway Guy from the audience, sitting stage left.

Gentle readers, Crazy Michelle has now decided that "Going on a show is not the true way to fall in love." Upon making this statement, Ali (oh. we forgot she was here in person) cuts Michelle like my neighbor Dennis, saying she takes umbrage at Michelle's statements because SHE fell in love that way. "I looked at the down times when we weren't with El Piloto as a time to bond with these amazing other women," says she. "Just like in real life, when you go out with your girlfriends and then your guy." Like Jared the Subway Guy on Crazy Michelle, we cry bullshit, Ali. You don't get to pretend you are Wise an UnStrident Now. And also, we are totally sure that is why you got obsessively angry every time Jake showed interest in another woman.

Michelle continues: "It ws a process. It's different from falling in love in the outside world. What you see on television isn't 100% accurate (I'mnotcrazyI'mnotcrazyI'mnotcrazy)." Nanny No Nips is unhelpful: "Actually, Michelle, ABC didn't have to do much editing because you really were closed off." Says Drunk Ashleigh, "Yeah, you were upset every day." And at last, now with the television audience LAUGHING, Michelle insists, "Talk to my friends! I don't need a therapist." Oh Dear.

So we go to Ali. WTF is she wearing? It is a tunic with a belt. While attractive from certain angles, we are pretty sure that walking for any length of time would cause this get-up to flounce over the belt, leaving ladybits free to the Open Air. But, aside from the tunic, this is our thing (all of us): We are On To You, ABC. We know you just want to make Ali the next Bachelorette, even though we are on Team GPow. And it does NOT help to have Ali crying about her exit, and about how she would now do things differently and not put love in the backseat. "Even though I am wearing a tunic, M'Lord," says ABe. Frankly, we are more interested in why Jared the Subway Guy has now been switched out for Man In Tweed in the viewing audience, and why all the Asian women in the audience are suddenly nodding wisely. Blah blah Ali announces that Le Sausage does not deserve to be trashed in the tabloids, more Asian women nod, and we are done here. . . .

Except that ROZLYN, in a wrinkled kleenex, is now making her way down the hallway Jerry Springer-style, with the same enormous staffer that watched her pack. And Chris Harrison wants to hear "what is true in YOUR mind, Rozlyn." Oh, Rozzie insists there was never anything between them. For like 10 minutes. Points in her favor:
1 . Nothing was caught on camera.
2. Most of the other womens' stories are about inappropriate thigh touching.
3. Good use of the phrase, "Riddle me this, Chris. . . "
Points against her:
1. The producer (who is/was married?) and his father roadtripped to Rozzie's hometown to visit her after they both got the axe.
2. She claimed to have problems none of the other mothers had, like telephone access to her children.
3. Blah blah blah see the above stories by Ella and the Unknown Woman. This goes on and on, Rozlyn gets angry, calls Chris out for allegedly flirting with the fired producer's wife while on location, the audience is all "Hell no!" and "Stone her!!" and "Witch!!" And then GPow, sealing her dream candidacy for next Bachelorette, says, "Rozlyn, all you would have had to do is say you love this guy and we'd be done."

At last, El Piloto takes the stage. In a blue t-shirt with a black suit jacket over top. ABe gasps in horror at the color combo, but we gasp in horror as he starts with a "blah blah amazing journey. Fall in love with a couple of girls." We see GPow's tearful goodbye, and Ali's tearful goodbye, and El Piloto tells everyone that he knows what kind of job Ali has because El Piloto has one like that too (really?) and that he was hoping she would jump out of the limo and come back to him on the night she left.
Chris Harrison: "Was that the toughest night for you on this journey?"
KMu: "No, that would be when he left the show and started reading tabloids about Le Sausage."

El Piloto fields some comments/questions from the fired contestants, including Kathryn complaining about being let go on the 2:1 date, and then he makes us all feel awkward by gushing for about 5 minutes about how he wishes he had more time with Christina, and that he feels like he made a mistake in letting her go, because she is "beautiful, funny, with such a big heart." Okay, by now we are feeling very uncomfortable and also are convinced he is single now. Particularly after this:
Chris Harrison: "Are you happy . . . . with your decision?"
El Piloto: "Yes."
Followed by a "stay tuned for next week, when Jake hopefully picks the woman of his dreams." from Chris. Still further followed by a flash to next week, when El Piloto questions whether he and TenAriel have any "heat."

We are now so full of shame that we must take a shower. And eat some ice cream.

KLo.