The Big Fedotowsky Part 3: Man on a Wire

Aaaand, we're back for the Big Fedotowsky Part 3, or the second episode in our Bachelorette double header. In case you are just tuning in, Part 2 is down below, in the nether regions of this Part, having only been written yesterday. Oh, there is no better love for you all than a smothering sort. Next week, we will not be recovering from vacaciones or (hopefully) vertigo, and shall be timely. We apologize.

Chris Harrison is once again meeting everyone in the living room to discuss Their Future. Though there are only 14 men left, we still don't know who several of these people are. "Has that person ever spoken," asks ABe about a certain gentleman who looks 2% Ryan of Ryan and Trista. We think his name is Chris N. At any rate, just like last week (or like, 12 hours ago for us), there will be 1 group date and 2 individual dates, and not everyone will have a date with Ali.

But we don't care, because Date Card #1 has arrived, and it is for Roberrrrrto!!!! Craigslist, in a horrifyingly plunging V-neck shirt not previously seen except on women in the J. Crew catalog, reads it: "Love is a balancing act." Oh, Roberrrrrto hops up, convinced that it is going to be a good day! We hop up, convinced that our eyes will not bleed fo rthe 15 minutes of air time that is this date. John C, the hotelier or something, worries that Ali does not even know his name.

Ali, who has just finished welding but not yet stepped into her tuxedo dickey with matching cuff links, walks towards the boys' house in an off-the-shoulder t-shirt with the arms ripped off. So once we were in Long John Silvers (oh yes, babies, we were) and the woman in front of us was both 400 lbs and wearing an oversized t-shirt with the arms ripped out. And no bra. We could NOT look away. And while The Big Fedotowsky looks muchy better in spirit, we still feel that this is the second cousin of Lady Long Johns, which is inadvisable.

The Big Fedotowsky has a picture in her mind of Roberrrrrto, who he is and what could happen (so does this viewer, taped to the inside of our bedroom closet. Le Sigh.). But what if he is not what she thinks? Oh oh oh but he IS. As Ali arrives to fetch him, he lifts her with the mighty strength of his one arm not also holding a beer, and compliments her on her appearance. OH! We instantly forgive both his compliment to Lady Long Johns and the fact that he is drinking already (as it is likely past 10 a.m., and this is essentially vacation for him, thereby signaling that it is a-ok).

They are going on a helicopter ride! Tyumbo whishes it was him with Ali, as he "figers she'll be holdin' ontah someone, and it aint' gonna be the pilot," due to her fear of flying. We are starting to really not like Tyumbo, who is not that smart and also appears to be one of those men who likes to "educate" the rest of the coven by dramatically making really obvious statements. But ooooooo, we like Roberrrrrto. He is kissing Ali's hand in the helicopter! He is telling her to hang onto him if she is scared! He is hugging her! And also, he is wearing a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up! We LOVE a plaid shirt!! As, apparently, does Ali. She concludes that Roberrrrto is "protective and manly," may be the person for her, and is certainly the person to go all Man on a Wire to get to dinner that evening.

Yes, babies, they are tight-roping it between two buildings, over a racing six-lane intersection, to get to a rickety dinner table on the other side. Ooooo. If we were that far up, we wuld most certainly pee ourselves, and our solitary comfort would be in the cars going by not noticing anything but a slight misting in the air.

Roberrrrto, still not screaming like a little girl, takes to the tightrope with complete calmness that we would not be feeling. "When you get nervous, look over at me and we're good," he says. Roberto! Ohhh!!!! After a cheesy little interchange about falling for each other, they walk across the tightropes, stopping in the middle for a First Kiss. We shall suspend our disbelief at the likely awkwardness of kissing whilst in a push-up against another person, trying nto to collapse and die a fiery death in traffic down below. Says Roberrrrto, "when I look in Ali's eyes, it's captivating. Makes me think of what could be." As they cross the finish line and turn to watch the sunset, he tells the Big F that he "really hopes to watch a lot more of these" with her. Okay, we LOVE Roberto.

But our love is momentarily ripped away, as we must watch the boys eating hamburgers back at the ranch. Steve is hoping he gets a date. We would like him to change his necklace first. Meanwhile Justin Rated-R is telling Harry Potter that if he had the cast off his foot, he would have been the guy in the helicopter instead of Roberto. We think Justin RR is being a tad presumptious here. Poor Cape Cod Chris, however, is more suitably humble, wishinghe could "make an adventure" with Ali.

And suddenly, it appears: Date Card #2! This is for a group date with, of course, a bunch of dudes whose names we miss but might include Scrapbook Kirk, John the Hotelier, Frank Funke, Harry Potter, Craigslist, and Cape Cod Chris. "Come on Rock my World" says the card. Mrs. Donovan concludes this must be a karaoke date and really wishes he could go along to seranade Ali. WHAT? We secretly wish we could hear a gerbil blow through a bagpipe, too.

Back on the Big Fedotowsky's date with Roberrrrrto, he is now revealing that Spanish is his first langauge, but that he also is a "languages guy" and learned some French and Italian because he wanted to travel to those places. We love him. LOVE HIM. And we do not quite know how he got stuck on this show. But ALi, focused on what is Most Important, worries if she's "pretty enough" for him. You know, which is "rare" because "not many guys can make her feel that way." Oh yes, ALi, we can COMPLETELY identify with you, as we frequently feel that we are far prettier than the rest of humanity as well. Thank God we have these sweatpants, to conceal All That Hotness.

Suddenly, Roberrrrto and Ali are lying awkwardly on the rooftop, heads beside the table from whence they just ate dinner, on a couple of blankets and throw pillows. We wonder where the Kitty could possibly be until KMu points out that it likely needed to retire after El Piloto and Le Sausage got to it last season. Okay, if it were this viewer, we would not be able to get off the floor. And also, we are confident that we would not be wearing a dress with shoulder pads, even if we were so Blindingly Pretty as to Pull It Off. But Ali, shoulderpads and all, requests that Roberrrrrto give her a kiss in Spanish (which she learned from a rap song). He, of course, gets the rose. YAY.

And now, the group date is upon us. Frank Funke is super-excited, as he is still so confident in his connection with the Big Fedotowsky as to be unworried of the competition. As the boys travel to a deserted section of LA, Cape Cod Chris worries that it "looks like there could be gang wars" where they are headed. Which would be AWESOME. And also, is the reason Ali, all blondified, is standing in the middle of a road by herself.

After hugs all around, the Big Fedotowsky takes her group of menfolk to hear. . . . the BARENAKED LADIES sing in a parking lot. WHAT? Scrapbook says "some of my best high school days were spent listening to their music." We love us some BNL, but what what WHAT are they doing here, and why why WHY are they going to shoot a music video with these people? This canNOT be real. Craigslist, who has never been in a music video before, mentions how jealous all his budies would be back home. Ah yes, we expect to find him on television in several months singing "Lawyers on the Square" to the tune of "Riders on the Storm," having recently discovered both a love of self-promotion, an inflated view of his own photogenicity, and a desire to marry the two in his career going forward.

At any rate, the Barenaked Ladies' new music video will be for the song "You Run Away." Which is "about trying to get someone to fall for you, but that person keeps running away." Frank Funke, full of wonder and Peter-Pan-Film-studentness, makes the deep deep connection between the experience of the song and Every Man: "This song. It's the situation we're all in with Ali." And Craigslist, practicing his lawyer skills to tell us what he's going to say and then tell us again, observes the song "is about love falling away from us. And we can all relate because we're 14 guys, and we all want Ali." A+ in 8th grade English, you two.

So now we have some scripts, and the men are comparing htem to determine who has the best. Scrapbook is pleased to "roll around and giggle and kiss." But Harry Potter, for whom the Big Fedotowsky is supposed to "succumb to passion" after pulling a book off a shelf, is a complete mess. Oh, a first kiss, and ON CAMERA in front of everyone?!? He can't handle it. Let's just pause for one moment in honor of irony. Craigslist, trying to be helpful, suggests, "Just imagine you are in the middle of a weather forecast and have to make out with a girl." Romantic.

First up for filming is Frank Funke, who just knows "by the way Ali is looking at me" as he puts sunscreen on her, that it's not "part of the scene." Oh, but a slap in the face is! Cape Cod Chris wants to wathc the slap 48 times, which is a little funny, but Frank Funke only had to endure 9 takes. Scene #2 is with John the Hotelier, something about her leaving the tub as soon as he gets into it. Scene #3, with our little Little Harry Potter, is sad. He wants it to be "really good," but, you know, if she "isn't comfortable kissing or something on screen," then he will completely be a gentleman and change the script. Again, a pause in honor of irony is necessary here. And also, Harry Potter is a Weenie Tot. Alli tells him to man up, the kiss is horrible, and Harry Potter consequently starts to CRY, babies. Which of course leads to a big hug, Ali giving him a "really good, passionate kiss," and ABe freaking out because HP then proceeds to chicken scratch the Big Fedotowsky's back. At this point, we are in full-on kissing mode as we blaze through the last few scenes. Chris N (who the frick is this person?) has some sort of scene along those linjes, and then Scrapbook clears the room by rolling around with Ali in fake bed, kissing as the crew shouts "cut cut CUT." Deeply observant, Frank Funke feels that things "aren't quite right."

At last, we are at dinner with a bunch of tea lights and HOT JESSE! We didn't know he was on this date! As ALi is off having 1:1 time with Cape Cod Chris, in which he reveals that his tattoo is of his dead mother's name, in her handwriting (a little creepy), Scrapbook is all "So, there are a couple of us that got kisses, like myself, but do you think it's enough to have a connection?" Seriously dude, that is the most pathetic attempt to rub salt in everyone else's wounds ever. And also, you look like a salmon. Frank Funke is still "confidnet" in his connection with Ali (you know, the one forged on a garbage heap at the end of the Hollywood Sign in Part 2, and that nothing could break). Harry Potter, in this viewer's windbreaker from 3rd grade, desperately wants to talk to Ali because he was "just nervous" with the kissing. After an incredibly awkward conversation with her, he is then confident that the safety rose will be his. ABe has no use for these delusions of grandeur, as she is en fuego over Ali's hair. "Extensions are only for black people!!!" she screams, followed by an apology for her "black people's turrets."

Because this date is interminable, Scrapbook now drags the Big F into the hot tup to "solidify" that what he felt with Ali while kissing her was "real." Frank Funke is becoming psychotic as the kissing continues, and we are all disappointed when Scrapbook gets the safety rose. We are only slightly molified by our opportunity to watch the music video just created. "The song represents a lot" of what Ali is "going through right now." You know, Running. Away.

We think this date is at last at an end, as date card #3 has arrived at the house: "Home is where the heart is," it says. And it's for . . . Hunter!!! Says Mrs. Donovan, "Mwah mwah maybe taking mwah San Francisco mwah?"

As Hunter is very uninteresting, we turn to a little intrigue happening at the house while Hunter gets ready for his date. Justin RR, babies, has decided that it is "crucial" to get more 1:1 time with Ali. Which is why he has hopped to the second POC to grace the show (a security guard, naturally) to point the way to Ali's house. Oh, he is going to visit her because, "Chris Harrison always says you've got to seize every moment." Okay, CH is NOT Mr. Miagi.

But by now, Hopalong Cassidy is heade3d down the road towards Ali's house. As the Big F is filming her intro for her date with Hunter ("I picked Hunter for the date today because our relationship has been so up and down. If he can't hang out with me, that's it." Oooo), suddenly Justin RR rounds the bend. Ali is, naturally, "shocked." Justin whips some photos out from somewhere (his cast? His underpants?) and tells his life story of an absentee father. We know we're supposed to like him, except he just hobbled two miles on crutches and Ali is now snuggled up in his armpit. Ew.

As Ali drives Justin RR back to the house, we see Hunter again, "ready to open up and let her see" himself in some "1:1 time between me and her." Rage RAGE against the bad grammar. Hunter looks like a monkey, but Justin RR is continuing his descent into the Pit of the Poop List, as he informs the group (without telling them where he'd been all afternoon) that he would "do anything to spend time at Ali's house" like Hunter is apparently getting to do.

While Ali warns that this is a make-it or break-it date for Hunter, they don aprons (because their "life together would be like" this) and make burgers. Ali confesses that she feels bad for her father, who changed jobs in order to support her mother through nursing school. Hunter says he'd happily stay at home if she wanted to have the main career, which we appreciate, but this is just not going well. After dinner, Hunter and Ali sit side by side in the hot tub talking awkwardly about nothing before he finally kisses. . . . her shoulder. One time, this viewer went on a first date in which the man in question talked of his business line of credit, heating appliances, and whipping up a little pretzel recipe for a party that evening. As our ears bled then, so too do our ears bleed for Ali. Hunter does not get the rose.

Back at the house, Mrs. Donovan is calling Justin RR out for claiming that he would give up "everything" for Ali. Justin dissolves into tears, saying yes he WOULD give up everything to have a family, that his dad wasn't there, and that he wants nothing more than to be there for his family. We are now confused, not knowing if this is real emotion or bullshit, particularly as Justin jubilantly screams "bye dude, we'll miss you" as the set guy comes to haul off Hunter's luggage. He is a little too celebratory, in our opinion.

But the rose ceremony is upon us, and we are loving Ali's dress, por fin. It is grey. It is sequiny in the right places. And we are even liking her some for giving a toast to Hunter at the beginning of the ceremony, which we feel is classy (all of us). First up: 1:1 time with Cape Cod Chris. Oh, they both love oysters and the see (nobody tell HOT JESSE). He is the oldest of three boys, likes to be active, and plays something or other called "flip flop." Meanwhile, Frank Funke and Scrapbook are talking about how they've gotten "a lot closer than all the other guys" to Ali, so now it's particularly hard to "watch this" as she hangs out with other men. Seriously, Frank Funke, what happened to your unchained melody of love?

In 1:1 time with Justin, Ali declares that the hiking to her house on crutches "showed me soooo much that he would do for me as my husband." Justin says that after said hike, a "particular individual" called him out regarding whether he was there for the "right reasons" (oh for the love, everybody drink). Ali compares him to Vienna, and before we can comment on how well THAT one worked out, Steve is setting up a private picnic for the Big Fedotowsky in the front yard. Okay, +10 for the picnic. . . . and =50 for the chapstick he slathers on before bringing her over for some champagne he can't uncork. After 5 minutes of straining and commentary by Steve about his delicate fingers, Ali is like "no seriously dude, let me do it." Steve later says he believes Ali was "attracted to" him for his inability to open the bottle, therby confirming that the Ways of Man remain a mystery for at least this viewer.

But as this is happening, the inevitable lynching of Justin RR has already begun. Tyumbo preaches slowly and methodologically to the crowd that with Justin, "we are seeing one thing. Ali sees another." Then another gem: "It's like Jekyl [place left hand in the air] . . . and Hyde [place right hand in the air]." Brilliant. Naturally, Justin RR bumps into this and discovers they are talking about him. Tyumbo, unrepentent, is all "yer two faced, man. Karma's a bitch. It's gonna come back and getchu." We hope that when Karma comes, she takes Tyumbo's guitar. And also, his ears (or ours, which might be better). Inevitably, Ali then reveals to Robeerrrrrrrto tha tJustin hopped over to her house before her date with Hunter, whihc leands to a big confrontation between Mrs. Donovan, Tyumbo and Justin RR, and yet more tears by Justin.

Mrs. Donovan is convinced that "justin is very creepy. It's all an act." While Craigslist, who claims he is a "professional bullshit detector" (ahahaha) sya she can spot it a mile away with Justin. In all of this, we heart Roberrrrto the most (we know, shocker) because he is measured. Instead of wailing and gnashing of teeth, Roberrrto simply says he'll be "disappointed if Justin stays." Oh!!!! Roberrrrrto.

And she picks (to keep with Roberrrrto and Scrapbook):
1. Cape Cod Chris
2. HOT JESSE (in denim). KMu wants him as a pinup. Or a body pillow.
3. Chris N (who is this guy. Seriously).
4. Tyumbo
5. Mrs. Donovan
6. Craigslist
7. Frank Funke
8. Harry Potter (nooooo. Weatherman. WTF).
9. Justin RR.

What?!? Steve is crying, as he and a couple other dudes we can't remember are going home. Steve was here for a longlasting relationship, babies, but was left in the dust. He "truly believes" that he and Ali could have fallen in love. We are not so convinced.

Stay tuned for next week, when Ali and some guy get to be the only white people in the Lion King, and Mrs. Donovan finally sings.

KLo