The Big Fedotowsky Part 6: Come To My Garden

oh oh oh The Big F Part 6 begins with a toy plane heading to . . . Istanbul (not Constantinople), Turkey!! Ali is feeling "really confident" about the last seven boys she has picked. But who is "just a friend," babies? Soon all shall be revealed.

But, Drama: Chris Harrison has knocked on Ali's hotel room door in the Most Inappropriate Attire for a Warm City Ever: a fuschia v-neck pull-over. And he has news: "Oddly enough, Jesse from last season, who is your BFF [and who never talked EVER until she got voted off], gave me some information that is legitimate, and we're going to call her right now." Chris Harrison starts to dial, and [we swear we are not making this up], the phone rings in our viewing residence. We nearly DIE as KMu suggests, "Hello. This is PMu." But no no no, the phone rings 10 times before Jesse finally picks up in Toronto. And she is, in the words of KMu, "a little hooched up for this call."
"And Jake. Is a Pilot!" says ABe.
Anyhow, Jesse wants the Big Fedotowsky to know that there is a "guy not there for the right reasons. Justin. I am sitting here with his girlfriend right now. Her name is Jessica." Oh, SNAP. And also, Sweet Valley High, what in all that is 1980s is that girl wearing? It is a blazer with the sleeves rolled up. And a giant heart locket. AND an I'm-getting-my-hair-cut-right-now-or, alternatively I-am-doing-a-face-mask-and-that-is-the-only-reason-I-am-using-this Hair Clip clip, evil step child of the banana clip. Straight up now tell her, is he really gonna love her forever (oh oh oh), or is she really caught in a Fashion Police hit and run?

As Jesse hands the ginormous cell phone to Jessica, Jessica starts to CRY. "Me and Justin [rage. RAGE.] have been dating for the past two years when he said, you know what, I am going on a show to get into the entertainment business. I want to get top 3 because then I will be well-known. So I took his head shot and bought him his suit. He told me when he got back that we would get married."
"I CALL BULLSH*T," Says ABe. And we have to acknowledge that somebody has had a secret girlfriend in the last several seasons, and it is really getting old.
But Jessica continues: "Justin actually contacted me, and that's when I kind-of [KIND OF?!?] put my foot down. Because I found out that he has another girlfriend in addition to me."

So Ali hangs up, and she is pissed. Chris Harrison powerfully contributes "sorry," and then shows Ali what can only be described as the Worst PhotoShop Job of a picture Ever: Jessica piggybacked onto Justin by some body of water, on CH's iphone. ABe could make that in 5 minutes. Maybe she will, and replace Jessica with KMu. And then replace Justin with HOT JESSE or maybe Pasha from So You Think You Can Dance. Sometimes we are sad that our identities are a Thinly Veiled Secret because how fun would that be.

ANYWAY, Chris Harrison is completely useless, telling Ali to "be strong" as she marches down the hall to the boys' residence. Ali, gentle readers, believes in "being good to people. And kicking their asses when they aren't good to" her. In this moment, we love Ali, even if she is completely inappropriate in calling Justin RR out in front of all the other dudes. She is "shaking, because she is so angry," and there was a "fire in her eyes," says Scrapbook. Roberrrrrto hauls her down to sit beside him on the sofa and encourages her to calm down. "Calma te" whispers KMu. Oh, Roberrrrto, how we have missed thee.

And Justin Rated R totally bails! He walks out of the room with his passport and his wallet. "That MoFo was wasting everyone's time," comments Criagslist, to whom we are becoming endeared. But Justin RR has now blindly walked INTO THE HOTEL GARDEN instead of, you know, out the front door, and so Ali is ultimately able to block his progress on a little footpath, demanding that he "talk like a man." JRR demands that she not "touch him" and moves past her. The rest of the boys, now giddy in the window watching this little show, take a break to all go to the bathroom together. Okay, not really, but they ARE giddy and Scrapbook DOES say "his shirt shouldn't have said 'Justin Rated R.' It should have said 'Justin.. . . . Liar." Clever, Scrapbook.

JRR, having finally found his way out of the garden [via cutting through the bushes and then scaling a fountain. seriously.], starts wandering the streets of Turkey as CH and Ali sit together outside. . . and then JRR comes BACK. We give the Big Fedotowsky some serious credit here, as she notes that he ran away until he could figure out what he wanted to say, and now he's back. And he's back with a story: "With me and Jessica [RAGE] . . . Yeah, I have strong feelings for her, but she's probably like my best friend. I went into this process with an open heart, but as it's gone forward, my connection to you has gotten less and less." Ali asks him why he didn't just tell her that YESTERDAY, and calls him on being a liar because Jessica is saying he has been calling her, he has another girlfriend, etc. He swears he was not calling her, blah blah blah blah, until . . . .

Babies, after nearly a decade, ABC has given us its first Truly Poetic Moment. Justin RR storms off to the sound of forlorn guitar, as we hear in the background: "First saved message. Jessica, this is Justin. Why can't you pick up the phone? You are my everything. I wrote this for you tonight [insert crappy poem]. I love you." And then "second saved message." and "third saved message." Justin, you should know more than anyone, in ABC's hotel, someone is always watching.

What do we need to get over this Tragedy? A date with Tyumbo!!! "Let's get steamy," says the date card, and we know we are in trouble. This feeling is only confirmed when Ali shows up in a min-vest. A VEST, for all that is holy. But Tyumbo is equally bad, wearing all sorts of costume jewelry including a lapel pin (on a white button down), a giant disc on a leather strap around his neck, and a huge bracelet. Of course, he keeps virtually all of this on as they head to the turkish bath. We are pretty sure that women are not supposed to be in there, but that does not stop Ali and Tyumbo from wearing huge tableclothes and soaping each other up. We are SO not feeling Tyumbo, who we are pretty sure is the dumbest man left this season. ABe concurs, "You know it's bad when you see a 1/2 naked man and are not attracted." They kiss, we are grossed out, and on to the next step on this date: dinner.

So at dinner, Ali has some questions for our friend Tyumbo. Like, what, exactly, happened to end his marriage. And the following ensues:
Tyumbo: "lots of things, building up."
Ali: "Like what? Who offered up the divorce papers?"
Tyumbo: "I did."
Ali: "Why? Did your ex-wife work?"
Tyumbo: "She did, and that was a big part of the problem. And it took me living a little after that divorce to realize that women are presidents of companies and CEOs. I was so closed growing up, that I never saw that."

STOP THE PRESSES. He got a DIVORCE because his WIFE WORKED?!!?!?! This boy is 31. He was practically born in the 1980s. And he got a divorce like, 5 minutes ago. We are so flabbergasted that we have no words, except that Ali is a damn fool for saying the following:
Ali: "I have concerns [CONCERNS?!?] but am giving you this rose."
Tyumbo is every bit as bad news as Justin RR, and we are En Fuego that they are now dancing in the street to some vuvuzela imported from South Africa to make us all feel yet further enraged. We have no use for any of these people.

How fortunate that back at the Hyatt (nothing like Americans' total inability to experience a culture by actually living in it) the next date card comes for Cape Cod Chris, Roberrrrto, and Craigslist. WTF, Frank Funke gets another 1:1 date? Despite this good news for him, he is actually jealous of the other boys for getting to spend time with her, because that is what he does. We feel really bad for Craigslist, who has not had a 1:1 date. And also, we love C-cubed's "Cuba Libre" t-shirt. We hope he knows what it means.

As these four wander the streets of Turkey, they spy Ali up in a tower waving them over. "We had a little Rapunzel moment," says Scrapbook. Sweetheart, if you tried to climb Ali's hair extensions, we promise you it will end badly. But he finds a door, and they all head into a 15th century tower of some sort to drink beer and olive oil wrestle. That's right, four oiled up men in black leather pants have arrived. Sounds like a gay bar on a slow Saturday night.

But these men, gentle readers, are professional Olive Oil Wrestlers. Which is, apparently, a real sport in Turkey. And the four unlucky men on this date are going to have to fight these oiled persons. "Seeing these guys get oiled up to fight for my love was pretty hot," says Ali. We only feel bad for the boys, as we watch watering cans of olive oil being rubbed all over them, and then it starts to rain. And we feel especially bad for Craigslist, who is the First Lawyer Ever to win this Viewer's Endorsement on this show, however tepid.

Poor Craigslist is the only non-athlete in the bunch. But this boy is determined -- with 1:1 time with ALi on the line (but no rose), he manages to beat out Scrapbook, and then Roberrrto (who previously beat Cape Cod Chris), to get dinner with Ali!! Yay, Craigslist!!! He also gets the Best Award Ever: A statue of black pants stuck on a piece of wood. We would keep this award for ever and ever if we were to win it.

Oh oh oh, but Craigslist has no chemistry with Ali. He is nice and sweet, but there is no kissing going on -- even when watching fireworks off the backside of a boat. And also, as he earnestly confesses to her that he will be upbeat and positive, as he has on this journey heretofore, into the future, she turns sideways from him. We are so sad for you, Craigslist!!! We are Confident that the axe will be falling for you shortly.

Back at the Hyatt, Frank Funke is jealous AGAIN. He grouses about Ali being on a boat date with Craigslist, even though his own 1:1 date is coming right up. We have no use for you, crapnugget film student. Soon, his date card arrives, and with this shiny new toy, he is happy again: "The Road to Love is Bizarrre." Roberrrto, whom ABC has not shown enough of this episode despite our explicit warning [damn you, ABC], notes dejectedly that it's hard to watch Mr. Funke get two 1:1 dates when some guys haven't had any.

So now we must tolerate another date with Frank and Ali, which might be summed up as Ali glowing as KLo seethes from the sofa. Frank wants to buy an economy size aphrodesiac at the market! Frank tries an ugly hat! Frank is all hot for Ali in a bellydancing outfit, even though the bottoms are on wrong! Once upon a time, this viewer was a bellydancer. And our name was "Spazzgandhi." True story, of which that is all you will get. Back to Frank Funke: He looks at carpets! Oh, he buys a carpet!! For Ali, "nothing has changed" between them -- they are back to their old chemistry and could not be happier.
ABe suddenly realizes that Ali actually LIKES a hipster.
omg. We think ABe is right. And we weep for Ali, but only a little because she picked that damn idiot Tyumbo and really, this whole Frank business is just consistent with that run of bad taste.

As Frank Funke and Ali walk into their dinner location, some sort of hallway filled with water, we realize that we would instantly fall asleep eating here. There are candles. There is water. There is darkness and quiet. Whether it be sleep deprivation or our secret double life as a vampire, we would be comatose within five minutes. But not Frank: "I am with an amazing girl, right in the middle of this cistern!!!" says he. Word to the wise, Frank: Watch for floaters.

But then, in true Film Studen style, he says:
Mr. Funke: "When I get down, it's like you swoop in and rescue me at the right moment." WTF.
And then: "I know for me, I want to propose only once. I want to be married only once. So for me, it's just getting to that point with you."
KMu: "Well, you came to the right place to find a spouse."
PMu: "I hear Le Sausage is available."
But Ali has not heard the irony in this little speech. Oh no, because now they are kissing. And we don't even care about THAT, has he has a thumb ring. A THUMB RING, babies. We hope it turns his thumb green.

Of course he gets the rose. Dammit.

And soon we are at the Rose Ceremony. Except there will BE no rose ceremony this time, because The Big F has Made Up Her Mind. We are a little sad about this because we have not seen Roberrrto and were hoping to do more of that at le ceremonia de la rose, but suddenly, there he is on the stairs!!! We rewind five times. As she forces the boys to stand before her (in the ugliest cocktail dress ever. Is it a swimsuit pull-over? A can-can dress? An ace bandage for her shoulder?) she does what we all knew she would. To join the least deserving boys in the bunch, Tyumbo and Frank Funke, she picks:
1. Roberrrrrto (yay!)
2. Cape Cod Chris, and
3. Scrapbook.

Craigslist is going home. We knew this was coming. We were prepared for it. But what we were not prepared for is that Craigslist completely outclasses Ali, thanking her for everything, earnestly telling her that everything he said the prior evening was true, and then crying a little in the car, as she was like "no girl he has ever met before." That is because you are a lawyer, Craigslist. And you probably run into legal women. And we are ALL batshit. We heart you, Craigslist, and know you will do well in life.

Next stop in our Tour of Shame: Lisbon, Portugal. We don't really know what happens there, as suddenly ABC is messing with us by showing clips of the entire remaining season, in which we are VERY concerned as we do not see Cape Cod Chris.

-- Peace,
KLo