The Big Fedotowsky Part 5: Ice Ice Baby

Oyve, babies. We are really striking out this season with the vacaciones and the work-related absences. We hope you forgive us, as we now are risking TORNADOS and CERTAIN DEATH to blog from our bathroom (center of the house, no windows) because we Cannot Go Another Day Without You [Update: After writing the entire BNU earlier this week, we lost our interwebs connection in a storm before the BNU could be uploaded. RAGE.]. So. . . as we said on Monday night, "Let's all get cozy round the chocolate." (meaning fondue). Or, as PMu said, "You mean ABe?" Regardless, we are going to ICELAND.

We are so relieved that ABC has provided a little pane to tell us how to get to Iceland from New York. Yet we *almost* don't care because there is a volcano. And it is exploding. So when we were in junior high (ahdn high school and college and now), we were obsessed with volcanos. We don't care if they smell like an egg's ass. We heart them. And we have watched every single disaster film involving them with unadulterated delight -- including Dante's Peak, which in our humble opinion is Saying A Lot. But now Tyumbo is blathering on about not thinking anyone ever went to Iceland to find love (except this viewer. with a volcano.) And Mr.s Donovan is worrying about the *right* moment to the Tattoo of Idiocy. So we must leave our volcanic dreams behind us until . . .

Mother of God. This may be the Best Episode Ever. Chris Harrison greets the surviving gents, announcing that there shall be a group date, a 1:1 date, and a 2:1 date. And the boys must compete for the 1:1 date by WRITING A LOVE POEM. In one hour. Extra credit for working in an Icelandic word. Scrapbook is extremely excited, as Cape Cod Chris just wants to make Ali happy, and Mr.s Donovan has "got this." So does Frank Funke. Mr. Funke, gentle readers, has written "tons of love poems." We suspect that he is also one of those men who monopolize the karaoke machine in the bar, singing love song and drinking pink things with umbrellas until thisside of trashed. But suddenly, Not Trista's Ryan has opened his mouth! We don't hear what he has to say, so shocked are we.

And off we go:
1. Tyumbo: something something about how Ali can "rock" anything she wears (including the ginormous bunny butt she has shoved on her head).
2. Craigslist: "At the end of this journey. I want to be your man." Oh come on, Craigslist. Use that big ol' expensive legal education. Throw in a little "heretofore" and a dash of Latin. We are so disappointed.
3. Mr.s Donovan: "In the mind and heart of one thought, my body is cold as Ice (he's willing to sacrifice, My Loves). The belief in what's to come. Transformed that thought to become very precise."
4. Justing RR: "When I look at you, you could be the one."
5. Cape Cod Chris: "I want to take you to meet the fam. I'll even make you some eggs and ham."
6. Not Trista's Ryan: "Ali. I believe. We need to go out. Heat up. Iceland. And head out. The [something] that have been waging out here today. Have brought me. These thoughts to say. I want to melt down. This is pretty much me. Getting to know you. Um, I forgot my lines."
7. Frank Funke: "Some time ago, I traveled overseas [for like six minutes]. Where a girl that I loved made me weak in the knees. Then I looked in your heart, new love blah blah blah blah."

We interrupt this Poetry Slam for a BNU Public Service Announcement: Run Ali, Run. Frank Funkek is that boy we all dated in college who took secret art shots of himself with his shirt off. Not Trista's Ryan is that date who "always liked a nice skirt steak." Justin RR is that boy who we always suspected Shaved His Chest. Mr.S Donovan is the same Art Shot Taker post-rejection, telling us that we look like an ostrich with short hair (that one still hurts us, babies). Craigslist is the first date who suggested, "let's blow this popstand." Tyumbo is the one who liked the "view from behind." Not Trista's Ryan is, well, oh dear. The point being: All of these people are a World Of No. They are the stories one keeps in the Secret of One's Heart until they burst forth Unbridled onto the interwebs for everyone to see that yes, the World Can Be A Better Place if just one more woman is saved from men who wear mesh shirts and yet still go on to author self-help books. That is all.

Scrapbook wins the contest. Not only does he walk TO the Big Fedotowsky to poetize her, but he also had some sort of nice poem that we did not write down because none of these were worth the ink. But Scrapbook is thrilled because "we've built a good connection." yes yes, she likes your shoes, you like her purse.

So on Scrapbook's 1:1 date with Ali, they go . . . shopping together. We are already fighting hard against the conviction that Scrapbook is Secretly Gay, and it is Not Helping when he tries on a series of womens' clothing, only to settle on matching mohair sweater outfits with Ali. And he hasn't dated anyone for longer than one year. AND he is nervous to tell the Big F his "history." DOUBLE AND "To be honest with you, I've dated some great women. I can't say a bad thing about them." Gay. Gay. Gay.

But then: As Scrapbook and Ali eat dinner at the Himmelhausensomething, he reveals that five years ago, he was 8th in the country in the 1500 run, and suddenly got so sick he didn't think he would live. After tests and doctors and research, his mom figured out that the house he had moved into was previously condemned for mold, babies! And it had poisoned him! Oh!!!! And through this life-altering experience, he has realzied that he wants to find that partner who makes him a better person!! We feel bad bad bad now. Of course, Ali gives Scrapbook a rose, which we feel he should give to his mother. We have a newfound respect for Scrapbook.

Meanwhile, back at the Hilton (because that is totally where WE would stay if we were in Iceland too), we have learned that the group date is for Roberrrrrto, Cape Cod Chris, Not Trista's Ryan, Craigslist, Tyumbo, and Frank Funke. Oooo, this means Mr.s Donovan and Justin R R are going on the 2:1. As Mr.s Donovan freaks out to the window, Frank Funke comments that he feels this experience may be pushing Mr.s Donovan "off the ledge." You see, Mr.s Donovan "got this tatto to be a man. To be a man for that woman." Now it's "do or die" time. Mr.s D is a "dreamer. Believer. He has the heart to love. He has the heart to give. Physical pain means nothing to him." He "likes pain, but emotional pain will destroy" him. Good grief.

There are so many things wrong with tis that we don't even know where to start. And also, if a person is going to get a tattoo to "be a man," it ought to be something like a big hamburger. Or a lawn mower. You know, if we are going to talk stereotypes.

Oooo, but here is the group date!!! As Ali greets the boys, Tyumbo must comment that she "looked awesome standing there with eight horses." Of course he must say something like this. And also, WTF. Unfortunately, Tyumbo is a big cowboy, and so he is able to Rock This Date like no other dude can rock it. We are only mollified by the City Slickers music playing in the background as we are treated to minute after minute of horseback riding around on a tundra. Except this is our thing (all of us). Just this very day, we were treated to a Most Painful Conversation from Which We Could Not Escape. And it was the following:
Receptionist at Doctor's Office: 'My niece works with horses all day long. She does the breeding. You know, she just hooks them up and gets the . . . stuff. They get paid a lot for that, but they don't do it very often. I don't know why, because it's just hooking up the machine and then waiting 10 minutes for the "stuff." So my niece, she hooks the horses up to the machine a lot more than the others do. She doesn't date now, but I told her that when she starts dating men, she's going to be really disappointed.'
KLo: [insert strangled silence].
And this, my gentle readers, is the THING THIS VIEWER CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT as she watches the boys fanny around on horseback until the Big Fedotowsky stops beside a giant hole in the ground and exclaims, "why, whatever is this?!?" Sayeth KMu: "This is like one of your damn romance novels, KLo." Sayeth Tyumbo, "Oh my gosh, we're fixin' to go in a cave!" Sayeth Cape Cod CHris, for the win: "What's gonna happen next? We're gonna play with snakes?"

C-cubed, super-sly, manages to get himself down in the cave first, convincing Ali to follow for a little 1:1 time. As he gentlemanly offers Ali his gloves when her fingers get cold, KMu mutters something about "fun and games" and "someone loses a digit." Meanwhile, Frank Funke is off in a corner whining about how he has "traveled halfway around the world to fall in love with Ali. Now I'm on a date with all of these guys." Though we have Refused to Record all previous complaints, we have now Had It. As has, apparently, Ali, who notes that Mr. Funke has been "non-existent" on this date. So has ABC's filming of Roberrrrto, which is breaking our hearts. Damn you, ABC.

Anyway, the group survivies the cave, only to travel to Blue Lagoon Islan, a lake that has "healing powers." We sing "oh healing river," as KMu becomes convinced that Wilfred Brimley is going to scream for them all to come in the water any minute. Instead, we get Ali stripping down to a swimsuit, with the menfolk scrambling after her to findn and don swim trunks. We see crack!!! So excited are we with the hopes that said crack belongs to Roberrrrto that we rewind three times to discover it is . . . Le Crack de Craigslist. We feel that someone has put a pickle in our peanut butter sandwich.

By now, the BIg Fedotowsky is getting drunker by the minute. "Wanna go exshplore?" she asks Cape Cod CHris, as the two go off into the corner of the pool. We secretly love C-cubed, not only for rhyming "fam" with "ham," but also for convessing that he feels cloudy in his head when he kisses the Big F. But blah blah Frank Funke is jealous. He becomes even more jealous as Tyumbo steals Ali away for more kissing in the corner. Finally, Mr. Funke is able to break Ali away into some random room, where she chastises him for being absent mentally. "It's not about them," says she. "It's about whether WE have something."
"Do we?" broodingly asks Frank.
SERIOUSLY?!?!??? Stupid film student fake artist crapnugget.

Fortunately, after "serioussshly the most ammmazzzihng day," Ali decides that, "Tonight, I'da lihke ta give the roze ta the guy who no mattehr what happensh alwayhs was there for me." Tyumbo. Aaaaaand .. . . Frank gets jealous.

But once again, back at the Hilton, Justin RR is making big plans fo rthe night. He has gotten his cast off, and is now in a Molly Brown Boot (which our sister once hawked during her musical theater days in Branson, MO. True story. We have one at home, with a garter around it.). Mr.s Donovan is a basket case in a burberry scarf. Maybe it is just us, but we siimply do not feel that a man should wear burberry. Particularly with the itty bitty patent leather boots he is wearing. He looks like a doll our mother made when we were little. Mr.s Donovan hopes that "when I show her my tattoo, it will prove that I will go through any amount of pain to find love with her." Oh, he is such a Smart Cookie.

Soon, Ali is picking up Justin RR and Mr.s Donovan in a helicopter to fly over a VOLCANO. We suddenly don't care about the rest of this date, and become irrationally annoyed when the helicopter carrying Ali and the Twin Peaks keeps getting in the way of the image of the volcano errupting. This is the coolest date ever, and we feel very sad for ALi that she must share it with these two guys. Particularly when the go into an ice cave to sit on. . . a Brown Kitty. Then again, maybe it's the ame Kitty from Season Big Daddy through the present, now showing its travel-stained self when laid against fresh ice. If Fur Could Talk.

So as Ali and Justin RR chat inside the ice cave, poor Mr.s Donovan sits outside it, sipping hot chocolate in his damn burberry scarf. Justin RR says nothing new but manages not to come across as completely batshit, so we know he will be safe. And then it is Mr.s Donovan's turn. Says Ali, "Back in NY, I asked Kasey not to be so mushy gushy. THe only thing he has to be now is . . . normal."

Really, Big F? That is not even an entire step above this viewer's requirements of Cleanliness and Presence. And that is just sad.

And yet, Mrs. Donovan cannot do it. As ALi and the Big F sit together in the cold. Mr.s D asks "how do I prove my sincerity? My genuine heart? I got a tattoo."
Ali: "What?!? When?"
KMu: Let me translate: "You CRAZY."
Mr.s Donovan: "If you count the studs, 11 studs. There are 11 studs chasing you [and, as we learned from our dear friend the receptionist, when one of them finally catches up, she will be so disappointed]. When I got this, it changed my life in so many ways. When you give me the final rose, I'll be giving you one too." Aw, looks like Mr.s Donovan has decided to give Ali his "flower."

We all know where this is heading, so let's just get it over with: Justin RR gets the girl. As they fly off in the helicopter, Mr.s Donovan is left to walk the frozen tundra by himself after telling her he "hopes it works out." Harsh.

Finally, we are at the rose ceremony.

Frank Funke gets a little 1:1 tiime, in which he says he learned a big lesson at the group date about remaining engaged in the process. We are disappointed in Ali because she seems to be doing all the work for him, trying to keep him in the game. Craigslist, with whom Ali has zero chemistry, pleasantly surprises us in the 1:1 time, showing her a fake tattoo a la Mr.s Donovan and joking about how he is an expert in group dates. But when it comes to Not Trista's Ryan, we are hiding behind the afghan once again. Ali wants to know something about him, and he literally says the following:
"My ex-girlfriend said that I was so funny."
[chirp chirp]
"I like Mexican food."
Our favorites (all of us) are still cape Cod Chris and Roberrrrto. C-cubed says that if he could be half the husband his father was, he would be awesome (oh!!!!) and Roberrrrto is generally his sweet self.

But now it's time for the pickin.' After Chris Harrison plays armchair psychologist and suggests to Ali that she is not ready to "let herself" fall in love, she insists that there are a few boys she could maybe almost sorta see herself with in the future. And she picks, to join Tyumbo and Justin RR. . .
1. Frank Funke
2. Cape Cod Chris
3. Roberrrrrto
4. Craigslist.

Yup, Not Trista's Ryan is going home, a "little shattered." Stay tuned for next week, when we are in Istanbul, Turkey, Tyumbo gets a 1:1 date, and someone has a girlfriend!!!! (and also, if this viewer does not get to see more of Roberrrrto, we are going to Stage A Revolt.)

-- KLo