The Big Fedotowsky Part 4: Unicorn Love

Babies, we have some exciting news. The Bachelorette will be taking her boys. . . .around the world!!!! We are pretty sure that this is also a Kissing Game that we would not want our fictional daughters playing in any person's closet. Amendment: except with Roberrrrrrrrto. Or HOT JESSE. Anyway, "How far would you travel to fall in love?" asks Chris Harrison. Well, back in our experimental internet dating days, exactly 30 miles from home and no further. And so begins Part 4 of the Big Fedotowsky.

We are immediately irritated by Ali, who is wandering the streets of NYC with over-the-knee boots (we know they are popular, but cannot get past the chafing) and, what is that? "She actually looks stylish there with her fake hair," says ABe. The Big Fedotowsky is going for a "Fashion Consult," with some person named Paul, gentle readers. You know, to pick a "series of outfits to feel the best." We are torn between wanting our own Fashion Consult and our sincere belief that said consult can Only Lead To Bad Things, such as a forced separation from our fuzzy pants. Ali claims not to be a Fashion Person, which we can confirm by the fact that she is wearing ginormous pink heart earrings. We may or may not have once possessed two sets of wooden earrings (giraffes and parrots), but it was the 90s then. And also, this viewer is not on the In Style Fashion Shoot (surprise). We watch Ali pose with Paul and her various outfits for In Style and secretly think about how boring this show became ever since they introduced the Photo Shoot.

Oh, but here we have a little plane going from LA to NYC, just so that we know where it is!!! And the boys were given a webcam to film their sojourn, which we thankfully don't see much of.

Soon, the first date card is upon us:"Let's do what comes naturally." And it's for . . . Mrs. Donovan!! We are terrified that we will not understand a word of this date. "Mwah mwah mwah could be better spending time with Ali" Mwah mwah mwah. Oh my. Mrs. Donovan has been "wanting this date soooo bad," my dears. He wants to "capitalize on this unrealized potential." It is like he is talking through cellophane. But as Ali appears, Mrs. Donovan loses his shizz: "You can't fantasize how good that woman looks. So many emotions are going through my mind and body that I can't even put a pinpoint on them right now." We don't know what to say.

Fortunately, Cape Cod Chris does: "When Kasey thinks about Ali, he thinks of doves flying up behind her, cupid hitting her with an arrow, hearts floating behind her head, magically running towards each other with unicorns in a meadow. I don't think of her that way. Not like Unicorn Love." ahahahaa. So, this viewer's sister went through an extended period of deep and abiding Unicorn Love during her tween years, which very nearly resulted in a bedroom papered with unicorn head walpaper. Now we know where said paper came to rest.

Anyway, off Mrs. Donovan and Ali go on a helicopter . . . to a picnic location on some beach. Did Ali take Mrs. D to Staten Island? All we are hearing from Mrs. Donovan is "oh man. No way. Wow." Mrs. Donovan, babies, views Ali as this "beautiful butterfly" looking for love. Yes yes, butterfly in the sky. I can fly twice as high. "Just take a look, it's in the book, the reading rainbow!!!!!" sing KMu and ABe. But suddenly, we are blindsided by an Afghan Moment, having seen nothing of this date whatsoever, when Mrs. Donovan breaks into real and SUDDEN AND UNEXPLAINED STREAM OF CONSCIENCE SONG: "When I was flyyyyying. In the heeeeelicopter over this amazing CIty. I looked to my left. And there I saaaaaw something. So PRETty. [insert awkward pause]. And at the eeeeend. Of tooooonight . I am not just your Average Joe. But I hoooope in my hindsiiiight. I'll see and find a rose."

Oh. My. God. All we hear is the cacaw of the turkey vulture circling Mrs. Donovan, waiting for Ali to walk away so that it can Rip Out His Vocal Chords.

But it continues. Off we go to see dinosaurs in the Museum of Natural History. Ooo, is is this where El Piloto lives? (Jake? Is a Pilot !?!). Ali admits that Mrs. Donovan is a "little cheesy" with the singing, but "hopes he can be real." Our confidence in his abilities to do just that is waning, as Mrs. Donovan yells "HA" to scare Ali and then chases her around the museum to a musical interlude by Saved By the Bell, until coming to rest in front of some Apes, who he "talks to," about Ali. At this point, we are so traumatized that it Cannot Get Any Worse. Until . . . .

Stuffed Kitty. Under a dinosaur. In the middle of the floor. With votives all around. As Mrs. Donovan and the Big Fedotowsky are eating dinner on the Kitty Re-Imagined, she asks him: "How is this different from your other relationships?"
"Well, this girl's real," says KMu.
But Mrs. Donovan goes full-on Boiled Bunny: "One reason, and one reason only. Because you're Ali. I can honestly say that I choose to be here for you at this moment. I choose you. And I hope that someday, you can choose me." He wants Ali to "jump in and stay awhile" in his heart, gentle readers. And he is prepared to Guard and Protect hers. And then he SINGS AGAIN: "The niiiight that I first saw you. I was staaaring through that glaaass. And I knew. At that first MOment. That you and I would laaaaast. On the beach in CalifornIA. You made me start to believe. And now we're in NY Cittyyyyyy, and it's just you and me. And tonight you've got this roooose, and I don't want to feel it's thoooorns [oh no he DIDN't]. And if you choose me Ali, I'll be forever yoooouuurs."

This viewer has been through many shit performances in her life, one of which involved a drama student singing "Iiiiiin flammaaaaatus. Iiiin flammatus et accccennnsus" off-key as DANCERS read BIBLE VERSES. yes, babies. This viewer has been Through The Fire. As such, we are wholly Unsympathetic for Mrs. Donovan when he says, to fill the awkward pause, that this song just kinda "came to him" because "that's what Ali does." She "inspires him."

Unfortunately for all of us, Ali is not as cut throat as are we. Though she hangs her head in shame and refuses to give Mrs. Donovan a rose, she KEEPS him. WTF.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the next date card has come for. . . Robeerrrrrrto, HOT JESSE, Craigslist (in a trucker hat. Sidways. RAGE.), Harry Potter, Frank Funke, and Scrapbook. Mr. Funke is totally uncharitable to Justin R-Rated, who must stay at home with silent film star, Not Trista's Ryan. "Go home, wrestler," says he. "You're not going to get a date. Ever." Harsh.

Off they go to Times Square ["Wait, did you see an SUV?" asks KMu], where The Big Fedotowsky is blowing pink hearts out of her mouth as the ticker tape reads, "If you want a rose, come find me." At . . . The Lion King. Mr. Potter opines that the "forecast looks good today." But we don't care, because the boys have found Ali and she is in a tiara. A TIARA, babies. And she wears said tiara right into dress rehearsal for "Can you Feel the Love Tonight?" sung by two POC to the tune of a piano played by a gay man. We love that ABC is sensitive to diversity. Says Scrapbook, "I've never seen a production like this before!!!" Sayeth KMu: "For the record, there is no production right now."

Only Robbeerrrrrto seems congizant of the fact that Thomas Shumaker, the producer of The Lion King, has won a Tony, and that this is a Big Deal. We love you, Roberrrrto (all of us) !!!! We are excited because the boys must Sing And Dance for a chance to have more 1:1 time with The Big Fedotowsky on this date. We are almost more excited by the fact that ABC has forced them to wear biker shorts, different colored t-shirts, and tennis shoes, which was also our sister's required uniform for the fitness portion of the Junior Miss Pageant.

Okay, so: HOT JESSE has the dancing down, and then loses it. And then someone has crazy legs. And then . . . KMu is lost in emotion: "I don't get attracted to asses that much, but Roberrrrto has a hot ass." Yes, yes he does. But we do not have much time to appreciate it, as we are now onto the singing. Tyumbo, who has rarely been seen without his guitar, cannot sing worth shit. But HOT JESSE, out of left field, can!! Sort of. We love us a hot woodworker who can keep a tune. And then, Roberrrrrrto. Oh oh oh he sings directly to Ali! Oh oh oh, this earns him a kiss. And he is the winner!! Surprise: they are going to be in the show. "I'm sorry," says ABE, "but I must point out that this is a show of POC. And the only POC got picked to be in it." Well, Ali too, who is sort of like a faux C with all the tan.

But we are eternally grateful to Mr. Shumaker because soon Roberrrrto is in costume. And that costume is a loin cloth. "I see myself in Roberrrto's circle of life," concludes ABe. Ali, conversely, is in a unitard with spanx underneath (which is the only way this viewer would wedge herself into a unitard ever again, either). Soon, they are practicing swinging in harnesses above the stage as Roberrrrto kisses the Big Fedotowsky's ladybits and the other boys look on like rejected crayons from the mezzanine. And then, it is show time: The boys' sulking has moved a private viewing room as Roberrrto and Ali swing around the stage. Roberrrto is fabulous, saying later that he got "really caught up" in the moment and will never forget the experience. Oh!!! A dancer is born!!! But not Ali, as she is CHEWING GUM the entire time. RAGE. We write this down, and then scream at her to spit out the gum. KMu, who has watched one too many episodes of So You Think You Can Dance with this viewer, translates: "take the f*cking note, Ali." Fortunately for Ali, her transgressions are seen by only a limited few. As the camera pans the audience, ABE observes, "Clearly this was a matinee."

Now we are at a bar, and Scrapbook is wearing a white tie and black shirt. Craigslist is being a tool, which is consistent with his profession, and Mr. Potter is over-analyzing everything. Says Roberrrrto, "the forecast for the weather man: we have a high pressure system coming in." Ha ha, did we say we love him? But he is ripped away from our eyes too soon, as Frank Funke steals Ali for some 1:1 in a rainstorm. Because she is sick, and that is a really good idea. And he drags her out into said rainstorm for this:
"What do you think about . . . . how I'm feeling?" he asks.
Film student tool.
Craigslist goes more for the hard sell in his 1:1 time: "I'm driven, I'm ambitious, and I know you are too." As they talk, Mr. Potter hovers anxiously nearby until finally working up the courage to attempt an interruption. . . only to be shot down by Craigslist with a "give us a couple more minutes." We do not see the charm in Craigslist, who in this viewer's opinion is rather like a Turbo Charged Guppy. Finally, the night ends with 1:1 time for Scrapbook. We hate to say it, but Scrapbook actually earns some points by walking Ali up to her room, NOT making out with her, and then sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed while she falls asleep before blowing out the candles and leaving.

The Big F does NOT give a rose out on this date, as she is feeling poorly.

At last, we have our final date card, for Cape Cod Chris!!! It is his birthday today, so. "Get ready to take a bite out of the Big Apple!" reads the card. Except: crisis. Ali is really sick, and so the day must be changed to . . . time spent with her in her suite. Oooo, he brings her flowers! And not icky flowers, but nice ones! Oooo, and chicken soup!!!! As they talk about the fact that he left NY to be with his dying mother, he reveals that she told him to look for her in rainbows on her death bed (now Abe and Kmue are crying). We like him more and also wonder if ABC will change his age from "34" to "35" on his little electronic name badge.

The Big Fedotowsky rallies as a result of the chicken soup, and decides to take Cape Cod Chris out to eat for seafood. Mmmm, fishes. But we are mainly focused on her spangly jacket that has yet more shoulder pads. We hate this little jacket. The date ends with Cape Cod Chris getting a rose as they dance to music of Joshua Redin on the roof: "I am waiting. . . under a streetlight." We are a little concerned because Cape Cod appears to kiss awkwardly, but we are willing to go with it Just This Once. And also, we have a soft spot for anyone who would wait for us under a streetlight. Except a hooker.

But there is drama back at the house: Mrs. Donovan has gone missing. "We put an ABP out on him. Amber alert." says Mr. Potter. Where could he possibly be?!? "I snuck out today, and it's probably the biggest day of my life. Ali questioned my sincerity, questioned my heart. And so now I'm going to do something I've never in a million years dreamed of doing" and he enters . . . a tattoo parlor. Because nothing says commitment like a tattoo. Just ask Britney. He is getting a heart with a shield, babies. Because that's what he said he would do: Guard and Protect her heart. We just know this is going to work out for him.

And the rose ceremony is upon us! Mrs. Donovan, having worked up the ire of Justin R-Rated and (maybe) others for claiming that he was at the hospital because he burned his wrist, is now the target of Justin's determination to Reveal the Truth because he Cannot Stand A Liar. As we bow our heads in honor of irony, we nevertheless refuse him further air time. Justin RR's machinations are a significant portion of ye old rose ceremony night, but we are ready for JRR to go home and so we refuse, as the BNU guidelines permit, to discuss him. We are much more interested in Harry Potter, whom we learned canNOT sing at all during the Lion King audition, and yet who has nonetheless taken out a guitar to sing to Ali. Because he is, apparently, a "singer/songwriter." We hate to say it, but Craigslist earns a point for making a face about "another guy singing."

Except we must return to Mrs. Donovan, because after all of the calling out by Justin RR, he calls all the guys together to reveal . . . the tat. "I was questioned by the wrestler about whether I was here for the right reasons," says he [everybody drink]. He then dramatically displays his tattoo and says, "I've got a shield protecting the heart, and then I've got the rose. And I put 11 stones in the shield because there are 11 of us left. And you guys are the diamonds in my shield." Tyumbo is now biting his cheek so that he does not laugh. Frank Funke later says, "Getting a tattoo. That proves nothing, except that you're nuts."

So in Mrs. Donovan's 1:1 time with Ali, we are all on pins and needles (okay not really. More like the sofa eating baklava) as Mrs. Donovan announces that he has brought Ali her favorite candy, because "he always wants his favorite candy when he's sick." The last thing this viewer wants when she is sick is candy. Particularly candy that Mrs. Donovan has already eaten part of, which appears to be the case here. But Mrs. Donovan is unstoppable, fervently saying: "I came here. I came here for you. I took to heart what you said, and I thought about it. So I have something to show you real quick. . . . " and Frank Funke comes in. Awesome.

In the end. Mrs. Donovan never shows Ali his creeptastic tattoo. Which is probably why, to join Cape Cod Chris with roses, Ali picks:
1. Scrapbook (in the same white tie and black shirt as worn on the group date)
2. Frank Funke (is he wearing a fleece under his jacket?)
3. Craigslist (WHAT?)
4. Not Trista's Ryan (who probably got a rose for being totally mute)
5. Roberrrrrtoo. Ha cha cha.
6. Justin Rated-R. Boo.
7. Tyumbo. Double Boo.
8. Mrs. Donovan.

WHAT?!?! She dumped HOT JESSE? And Harry Potter? This is completely understandable, to some degree, but in the world of men-who-are-not-going-to-last-another-episode-anyhow, why why why could she not keep HOT JESSE and ditch Mrs. Donovan and Justin RRated. This is a serious lapse in judgment. We are sad for HOT JESSE as he walks away, opining that she may just be more of a city girl than him, but that he's happy to get back to his dogs.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Iceland, Scrapbook wears a mohair sweater, and we learn that Mrs. Donovan got his tattoo "to be a man" and also because he is "a dreamer. A believer."

-Peace,
KLo