The Big Fedotowsky Part 9: What the Funke

Babies, we are not sure which is more pathetic: heralding the wee morning hours of our 3-- birthday by watching the entire Twilight movie on YouTube in 9 minute increments, or spending the evening hours in a "Birthday Princess" sash and tiara, blogging this show. We do it all for you, my dears. So let's get started.

Really, The Big Fetodowsky Part Put A Bullet In It Already has more filler than Ali's lips. We start out in Las Angeles with an extended contemplative moment between Cape Cod Chris and the sky. Oh, he is falling for Ali! Oh, it has been years since he has felt this way for a woman because so much emotional energy was spent nursing his mother. Oh! Do NOT shoplift the pootie, Ali. We will never forgive you (all of us).

But then, there is Roberrrrrrto, packing as he dreams of Ali and PDA on the beach. And PDA in the yard. And PDA on the field. And -- oh look, now he's holding a baseball! Roberrrrto "must be confident in what he brings to the table." No looking back. KMu "likes what he brings to the mesa," so to speak.

And then.. . .Frank Funke is conflicted. We know, everybody sit down because this is a Complete Shocker. My dears, he came to fall in love with Ali and that is "what he did," but now he has had feelings "brewing" for his ex-girlfriend, Nicole, since he left. Two things immediately break into this viewer's mind:
a. "brewing" is what one does before having a Moment Of Powerful Reflection in this viewer's household.
b. omg, is Frank Funke dating Nicole Schehererererrzingerar, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls who had a 2 minute solo career in which she sang "my name is Nicole. I do watcheva you Want. I do watcheva you Want" while climbing from a box only to girate in front of some giant fans on *we think* SYTYCD ten thousand years ago? !?!?! If so, this will be good.

Frank has chosen to go back to Chicago (instead of Tahiti) to find out if he is "still in love" with Nicole. His "stomach is in his feet" and his "heart is at his throat" babies. Frank's head is also apparently up his ass, as he goes to some random Chicago hotel room to meet Violet from the Incredibles and enact the following scene:
Violet nee Nicole: "What is go-ing on?"
Mr. Funke: I was nervous coming here. I am a nervous wreck. I spent the past while fighting guys for Ali. And she doesn't know I'm here. My feelings for Ali are very real. Her and I [RAGE] have an awesome connection.
Violet: [blank stare]. "You have consumed my every day. You just lived a completely different life from me. It's really hard, seeing you getting deeper with someone else. You. Complete. Me. You need to come home."

This viewer cries FAKE.
ABe concludes that Frank wants a backup plan.
KMu is still singing "I do watcheva you want. i do watcheva you want."

And then Frank crosses the final line in this viewer's play book. He says to Violet/Nicole: "I'm going to have to go to Tahiti. I'm going to tell Ali. It's going to take a lot of strength and courage. And I need you to support me. I'm scared." So, when we were 18, we had a boyfriend who dumped us for his ex-girlfriend. One week later, ex-girlfriend reunited with her previous paramour and our ex-boyfriend wanted us back. And after we denied his sorry ass, ex-boyfriend uttered the following: "Wow. I've lost two really important people to me this week. First her, and now you." Oh yes. WTF. And while this is funny to us today (and back then too), we still take comfort in the fact that ex-boyfriend subsequently injured himself with his dance belt. And that, my dears, is what we wish for Frank Funke when he next dons his Peter Pang Wings and demands a gold star for not growing up.

Our mood does not improve as we cut to Ali doing her best impression of Daryl Hannah circa Splash as she flips her hair back out of the Tahitian water. Warns ABe: "Grrrl, you don't do that with a weave."

Thank GOD we are on to date #1 with Roberrrrrto. They jump a helicopter (because why not, since she's afraid to fly) and race off to the Blue Lagoon. Oooo, maybe this is the part where Ali tapes her hair to her jubblies, becomes pregnant with Roberrrto's love child, and then discovers they are siblings. So far we are on the right track: They walk through the deserted lagoon only to sit in the middle of it and make out. "If I ended up with Roberrrrrrto, I would live a wonderful life and it would never be short on romance," says Ali. Damn straight. We heart Roberrrrto.

We do not see enough of this, which is Very Upsetting, but ABC placates us with dinner in the Swiss Family Robinson house. Okay, so this viewer has a few things on her bucket list, and one of them is to live in a tree house. And also, to have a hammock inside our home. We are dreaming of hammocks and treehouses with fully functioning bathrooms and we almost do not notice Ali and Roberrrto until we refocus and . . . mother of god what is she wearing. The Big Fedotowski has stolen Frank's tank top from Part 8, turned it into a baggie, poked two leg holes in the bottom, and pinned it together with chip clips on top. We are horrified.
Thank god Ali sits down.
We are at last able to focus on Roberrrrto again, who confesses that he is falling in love with Ali. OHHHH!!!!! ** Poof*** out comes the fantasy suite card "from Chris Harrison."
KMu: "Chris wants you to forgo the fantasy suite and come by room 1011."
Roberrrto, of course, picks the fantasy suite. "It would be a shame to forgo a perfectly good fantasy suite," says he. We are completely endeared to him, even if what follows is a slow mo getting nakedness since they got "all wet" walking through the water to said fantasy suite. ha cha cha.

And then: date #2 with Chris. So, today we called someone whom we learned was This Very Moment on Cape Cod. We felt it inappropriate to ask, "so um, do you know Chris L?" but only because we were masquerading as A Professional. Because this is our thing (all of us): Cape Cod Chris is like a hot ham and cheese sandwich. He warms us up and always works with goldfish crackers.

So Cape Cod Chris and Ali are going sailing on a yacht. "F*ck yeah, this is now my dream date" interjects KMu. "Only I'd like to drive." It is perfectly fine for KMu to be driving, as we would be in the back with C-cubed and his periodic table t-shirt (which, though he is not wearing now, we secretly loved and have not forgotten). Chris confesses that he has not dated much in the past two years because of where his life has been focused, and they talk about his family. We at the BNU fall for him even more. This portion of the date ends with them swimming to a deserted beach (of course) only to scavenge for oysters with pearls. Even if we are not a Pearls Sort of Person and feel sad for the Oysters being sacrificed during said scavenging, this is sort of cool.

But it is not over. Oh no, for they are having HOBO DINNERS for supper!!!! We love us a hobo dinner, even if we always ended up eating a raw potato and charred beef because ours never cooked right. Our friend AFa can make eggs and bacon in a paper bag over the fire, which we think is Possibly the Coolest Thing Ever. We suddenly realize that we have not eaten a proper supper, unless one counts popsickles and wine.

Cape Cod Chris is now pouring his heart out. At the fantasy suite (because we all know they went there) he reveals that he learned a lot watching his parents together in his mother's last 1 1/2 years. He sees himself with Ali forever. His mother would be looking down on them smiling. And he says he loves her!!! OHHHHHH!!!! This person is too good for this show. And also, if she breaks his heart, we will all be devastated.

And finally, the "date" we have all been waiting for. Frank Funke shows up with all his luggage on Tahiti (again, WTF), moaning about how he "can't give Ali what she deserves" because he loves Nicole. Helpfully, Chris Harrison immediately pops up at Mr. Funke's door. And we kind of like CH in this moment, because even though he's neutral, we actually think he doesn't like Mr. Funke all that much. Frank Funke is all *moan moan moan* "being there with Nicole . . . all those old feelings came back, but stronger." Frank, gentle readers, "didn't see this coming." And now he doesn't know what to do because Ali didn't actually KNOW about Nicole's existence. We have no sympathy for you, fuckwit peter pan. CH listens in silence and then is like, "well you have to tell Ali."

As Ali bounces up the door to Frank's place, we are willing to forgive her for her sins with hair extensions for we know she will feel The Big Dump momentarily. She is "really looking forward to this date with Frank" because their "relationship has been all over the place." But as they hug each other for five minutes, Frank says:
"Ali, we need to talk."
KMu: "I hope this goes faster than the conversation with Nicole."

And then blah blah he's "really nervous' but reveals the existence of Nicole, his feelings for Nicole, spins the whole Chicago adventure as getting "closure" with Nicole, tells Ali she's "perfect in every way," that he "loves the way she makes him feel," and basically violates every single Break Up Rule of Self Preservation. And actually, we are heartbroken for Ali because she is completely devastated. Even if he is a tool (which will only make it worse for her in retrospect, when she thinks back on this). We are glad, at least, that she calls him selfish and reminds him that she gave up everything to be here and 'find love."
Everybody drink.
Except Frank also insists that "me too!" he gave up everything. Which is why he doesn't have a job, is living with his parents, and had broken up with Nicole all before ever coming on this show. Sigh.

At least KLo got her birthday wish.

And Part 9 ends with a fizzle. The Big F can barely get herself together to have a rose ceremony, but wants one anyway because she wants to know that C-cubed and Roberrrrto are choosing her as much as she is choosing them. Except she talks vaguely to them about why Frank left as having some "unfinished business back home," etc. leaving them both to wonder "death in the family? new job? secret love child?" When asks if her future husband is still here, Ali is no longer certain, but says she has "high hopes." We feel sad for her as she picks:
1. Cape Cod Chris.
2. Roberrrrrto.

Ironically, we want them both to win. And Ali too. Damn you, ABC, for making us feel Conflicted.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Men Tell All before we are off to . . . Bora Bora to meet The Big Fedotowsky's family (again).

KLo