The Big Fedotowsky Part Men Tell All: Campaign for Craigslist

Craigslist, oh Craigslist, our heart is yours again
With grace, you triumph o'er the other v-necked men.

That's as far as we got in our minds last night, as we were driving home from The. Most. Boring. Episode. Ever.Of.The.Men.Tell.All. All we know is this, and we know it into the very bottoms of our souls: Craigslist should be the host of this show. Because that would be awesome.

But since he isn't, we are going to make this exceedingly brief. We start the Men Tell All not with a live interview, but with a pre-taped segment in which The Big F talks about some of castaways, including Justin R.R., Mrs. Donovan, Scrapbook, and Frank Funke. We mostly cannot get past the spangly sparkliness covering her dress, ginormous wrist band, fashion ring, and head piece. "It looks like she broke an old mirror and put it in her hair," says KMu. This viewer might be having a seizure.

There is nothing new here: we see Justin RR escape through the shrubbery when Ali calls him on his lies, she describes feeling "bad for" Mrs. Donovan when she left him on a glacier after he repeatedly told her that he would "guard and protect" her heart and sang all those *awesome* songs. If we were in advertising, we would COMPLETELY put this person on a deodorant commercial signing about how lady smellinator will "guard and protect." But blah blah now we are on to Scrapbook, and his father's "oh, I just put eyes on a caribou foot" taxidermy display. Yes, Father of Scrapbook, you did, in fact, create the Ultimate Camel Toe. And finally, we see Frank Funke in his Peter Pan Film Student greatness, ditching Ali in Tahiti for Violet the Incredible back in Chicago. Fuckwit.

Oh, haha, but lets look at some *funny* deleted scenes next, which are not really funny but DO include Roberrrrto nearly taking out The Big Fedotowsky's eye with a champaign cork, Frank's father making a jibberish toast (now we see where he gets it), and Ali drunkenly donning an astronaut hat with Mrs. Donovan in their "Night at the Museum" date. "Houssssshton, we haf a problehm." We are en fuego because to witness said scene, a random staffer in a long pony brings Chris Harrison her laptop. THIS COULD BE US. DAMMIT. Screw the campaign for Craigslist. Raise the banner "KLo for Go-Getter: She's Got a Thing for You." Hang it loud, hang it proud babies. Anyway, the last *funny* scene is of wildlife running amok, in the form of a domesticated cat and a peacock, during a date with Roberrto. KMu hopes the peacock is wearing its flight suit.

This is followed by a random segment on Chris the ex-contestant who never talked, and whose "ex girlfriend thought I was funny. . . and also I like Mexican food" being a "phantom" because he would just randomly appear and disappear. As demonstrated by the random appearance of this segment. And of this paragraph.

At last, we meet the Men, most of whom we do not remember because all of the controversial persons have elected not to show up, and also, because one of them just fired some blanks with his finger gun. And we would prefer not to remember that. But it is here, my babies, that Craigslist holds court. Gentle readers, he had a "hard and fast rule" going into this that he would not talk badly about anyone, which he says lasted five minutes but we still think could have been much worse.

Craigslist on Justin RR: He was a "master manipulator. The guy is evil in that his intention was to gain publicity and to hurt a good girl, and to sabotage everything she wanted from this show."

Craigslist on Mrs. Donovan: "Yo, Kas. You're crazy, man." (Tyumbo also gives Mrs. Donovan credit for maintaining his 'looney tunes' ness throughout the taping).

Craigslist on Frank Funke: "Ali was in a very difficult position, and I know that she wanted to find her husband, and I'm not sure that she did." Frank came in with the best intentions, but funked it all up, so to speak.

Amidst our dawning realization that Craigslist should stage a coup for the title of host, Mrs. Donovan takes the "hot seat." We see some of his most awkward moments, but then we sort of like the kid because he says Ali had enough bad memories -- let him be a good one, even if he is batshit. Next up: Scrapbook in the "hot seat." Yes, we conclude this man is contemplative and articulate, and that it is a damn shame that a Camel Toe (and other items, such as Frank Funke) caused him to be voted off so soon.

And finally, Silent Jessie from season El Piloto takes the stage to talk about how she learned about Justin RR's girlfriends. Apparently, she got an email with a title "URGENT" through a social networking site she is on. And opened it. Because we completely advise that everyone open "urgent" messages from random strangers in their email inbox. And it gets weirder: Jessie explains that Jessica (the girlfriend) didn't have a facebook account because Justin RR "told her not to," as if this is the most normal thing in the world. But in an act of defiance, Jessica reactivated her FB account, only to see a message from "Kimberly" on Justin RR's wall. As Jessie described it, Jessica was Justin RR's "main girlfriend" and Kimberly was the "other one." The girls live five minutes from each other, and probably were in the same babysitters club or shared homeroom at Sweet Valley High.

We know this is dastardly, but here is the thing: just dump the wrestler, and move on with your lives.

Craigslist, again, on Justin RR: "In response to your (apparently public) comments Justin RR, you are not an extension of my family. I am not your friend. This situation had nothing to do with production, and was not manipulated by the host. This was an a**hole being an a**hole."

Craigslist, for the win.

Chris Harrison opens the peanut gallery up for comments, and we secretly wish we were there to ask something, anything, so that the woman whom we are choosing to believe is pregnant because otherwise, MY GOD, does not say: "I think that Justin RR is a a liar and a coward." While this is certainly New and Interesting Information, we are too traumatized by the mishapen strappy sundress tying under her belly to give it much thought. Then Ramona Quimby stands up and says something about somebody doing a "good job" and wanting to cheer Craigslist on in Olive Oil Wrestling, and all we can think is "well, thank god that woman with the bolero tie covered in coins is not speaking."

Sayeth KMu: "You know that thing I said about everyone in the audience looking hotter than usual? I take that back." As she should, considering that the Token Male in the viewing audience thinks he is on Newsies and has curiously small arms.

At last, the Big F comes out for a meaningless interview. We are SO comforted to know that the way our hair looks on a daily basis has now become The Fashion. As a few flies exit the monstrosity on top of her head, she confesses that the whole situation was much more difficult than she anticipated going in. There is no talk of whether she is happy or whether she is with anyone, and we secretly know she is not (which makes us sad for all three of the final persons, but really it is all for the best so that they can go on and find nice partners within a 30 mile radius of themselves). Scrapbook confesses his broken heart, but beautifully says that meeting her was part of the process by which he would find his nice normal partner, and Mrs. Donovan sings.

And at last, we close with the two truly funny moments of the show: 1) Craigslist and Roberrrrrto speaking Spanish to each other, only to have the Weatherman/H. Potter understand, and 2) Cape Cod Chris trying to make Craigslist pee the bed while sleeping by putting his hand in water. We know, they lose something in the telling.

Stay tuned for next week, when our hearts will most assuredly be broken unless Ali moves to Utah to start her own colony of Big Love.

KLo