Wombat Part 6: Make You Feel My Love

Make no bones (hee hee) about, Wombat Part 6 opens with the Worst Conception Imagery Ever. To whit: Itty bitty helicopter flying over the vast lush expanse of Costa Rica *CRASHING WATERFALL* itty helicopter *CRASHING WATERFALL into circular pool* itty helicopter and . . .touchdown. The Wombat hopes that Costa Rica helps him find love.

As we land with Bradley, our eyes are assaulted with imagery from ABC's view of Costa Rica. And we don't remember any of them except The Cow. Though The Cow is only on the screen for a fraction of a second, it is enough to traumatize us forever. Babies, when we were in the Other Rica/o (puerto), we were Chased By A Cow. And while this might be funny in the abstract, when one is between a fence and a cliff with the Cow clippity-clopping closer and closer behind oneself : clip clop clip clop clippity clop clippitycloppityclippitycloppity
CLIPPITYCLOPPITY, I can tell you it is Not Fine. And also, it does Not Work to stare an animal into laying down like The Crocodile Dundee. Just an fyi.

Oh look, there is a volcano! We Love a volcano -- so much so that we forgive the ladies for saying that their villa "overlooks" it, even though said villa is miles away and clearly at the volcano's base. As the ladies move into their new digs, Broke Back Michelle is convinced she can "make" the Wombat fall in love with her here. Too bad that the first date card comes for Chantally Lace:
"Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight." Oooo!!!
Broke Back supplies the rejoinder: "If Brad is interested in Chantal, he isn't interested in me." Yes Broke Back, we are all praying for that.

The Wombat immediately picks Chantally Lace up for their date. . .a "little adventure" in Costa Rica. As they fly off in their helicopter towards the volcano, we suffer a pang of rare jealousy. You know, this viewer would suffer a day with the Wombat to visit a volcano. We even know how we would do it, as we learned this trick in Junior High: bring a Hot Friend along as a decoy, so we are left in peace. We promise you, babies, it works.

At any rate, the Wombat is thrilled. "If. you. are going. to do. what. Chantal. and I am. going. to do., where. not. to do. it. in this. particular. place." Oh Brad, we all know what you and Chantal are about to do, and are pretty sure you have done "it" before. And also, we don't like your shorts. They may be innocuous, but they are Too Long with his red shirt. Why hello, Ernie, where is Bert? But All of This passes over the head of Chantally Lace, who apparently married her high school boyfriend, with whom she was together for 10 years. She is just happy to be Out, period, whether with or without a muppet.
ABC, this is the closest to a Sacrificial Virgin you are going to get, on so many levels.

But *surprise* they are going zip lining down the volcano in the Longest Zipline In The World! Chantally Lace is glad because she is ready to "reconnect" with the Wombat. The Wombat, too, is hoping to "rejuvenate what was lost" and "get back to our old ways." From what, two weeks ago? Contributing to the whole Flashdance aspect of this particular scene, it starts to rain. As the soaking wet couple tandem ziplines together, Chantally Lace says "It's definately a different position, having my legs wrapped tightly around Brad. But we could get used to this." OMG.
And yet, the Wombat is excited for more: "I am going to take Chantal to a new setting where we can be more 'intimate.'" WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS.

And yet, we cannot look away, as suddenly we are at dinner with the couple Down By the River. As the Wombat inquires as to whether they are eating The Local Cuisine (coconut), it starts to rain again. How fortunate that they could run offset and directly into a bedroom, where Chantally Lace could change into the Wombat's button down shirt and forget her pants. The Wombat is excited because this is now Just Like a Normal Date (and that Chantally Lace possibly looks "hotter than ever" without pants). Chantally Lace, for her part, is just happy to see the Wombat in his "cute comfies."

As Chantally Lace sits with one leg in the air (the Terror), she and the Wombat eat cheesecake. She confesses that she is "crazy about" the Wombat, and he confides that she "scared him" in Vegas with the weeping and drama. Oh, but no, babies: that was Not Drama, for it was Real. It came from a Place of Honesty. We do not care what place it came from, as we are deeply worried that we will in fact SEE that place if Chantally Lace does not start sitting like a lady.

She gets the rose.

Back at the house, Date Card #2 has arrived for the group date: "Love Springs Ahead." Jackie the Artist, Broke Back Michelle, Dolly Pemily, the Dentist, Shawntel of the Dead, and Skipper Barbie are all at bat. Alli Twin Towers is thrilled because this means she gets her 1:1 date at last. Broke Back Michelle is murderous because she Hates A Group Date.

And yet here we go to Pure Trek Canyoning, where we are all going to rapel into a waterfall in Inadequate Clothing. Broke Back Michelle is tired of being wet and cold. We are unsympathetic, as she ought to have gotten the memo by now that it RAINS in Costa Rica. Fortunately, the trekking company has supplied them all except Dolly Pemily with jackets (undoubtedly because they do not make a childrens' size). This is All About Adventure, babies, and Facing Fears. Though stressed about the group date atmosphere, the Wombat is excited to "see if these women are adventurous."

Blah blah the women are skreetchity. Shawntel of the Dead goes first, followed awkwardly by Skipper Barbie and Dolly Pemily, and then Jackie, who is terrified of heights. "Jackie might have soiled herself," says Skipper Barbie from directly below. Though the Skipper might want to watch for falling rocks, we also note that this is what the waterfall is for. Meanwhile, Broke Back Michelle is shooting Daggers of Death at the Wombat for rapelling with other women.

Gentle readers, BBM has been BETRAYED. She and the Wombat had a Pact never to rapel again without the other. And the Wombat has Broken That Pact.
Sayeth ABe: "Where was this Pact formed?"
Sayeth PMu: "At Warsaw."
And Broke Back has done what any party to an allegedly broken Pact has done: she starts beating the crap out of the Wombat. Oh but look, the Wombat has NOT broken the Pact (everyone call off your missiles. . . . oops.). No, gentle readers, he is going to rapel WITH Broke Back down the waterfall, after the rest have gone by themselves. Broke Back is somewhat mollified by this interpretation of their Pact, but the Wombat is rattled. Jackie, down below, is cheesed that the Wombat didn't rapel with her, as SHE was the one that was scared.

Suddenly, it is the evening and the women are stripping down into bikinis to the tune of Spanish guitar and tree frog. PMu advises that this is Swimwear, to be followed shortly by Evening Wear. If that is the case, we fear that Skipper Barbie is failing this particular part of the competition, as she is Buttless. So, this viewer once danced with a girl who was Utterly Buttless, in a concave sort of way. As we ran behind her pretending to be Flowers or Snowflakes or Sweets, we would stare where buttage was supposed to be and wonder how she wore pants. If junk were to be in her trunk, she would still be a Smart Car, babies. True story.

But we digress. Basically, this date is not going well. The Wombat pulls Jackie away for 1:1 time, and she wastes it being ungraceful about how he didn't rapel with her. Meanwhile, BBM has gone ape once again: "I'm not trying to be a bitch, but all of these girls need to go home." Yes yes, we are sick of you saying this Broke Back. Thank god for Dolly Pemily, who is becoming *slightly* less tinkly as she admits that she is starting to really like the Wombat . . . but sabotages every relationship. Never fear, however, for the Wombat doesn't "want. to see you sabotage. this. Ah. Won't. LET. you. sabotage.this." Oh, Wombat, we lift our eyes to you.

As Broke Back Michelle and the Wombat settle into the water for their 1:1 time, we hear the screams of Alli Twin Towers back at the house. Apparently, she is scared of bugs -- bugs that make a crunch when squished, precisely. We really cannot criticize Alli, as we will eat a marshmallow, but not if it is too melted, abhor an emulsion, and think whipped topping the plague (yet not ice cream, provided it isn't too melted. see, supra, marshmallow). The devil is in the details, babies. Details which Chantally Lace is not observing, as she chases Alli Twin Towers around the house with a big beetle on a piece of paper, eliciting the screams heard by the Wombat and Broke Back Michelle.

We secretly wonder if ABC didn't blindfold the women, turn them around ten times, and then lead them to their own backyard for this group date.

Anyway, Broke Back, per usual, has used her 1:1 time on the group date to go ApeShit Extreme. She debates whether she has "a connection" with the Wombat: "But do we? DO WE????" And complains that Brad "just wanted to have a sexy date with Chantal in Costa Rica. Do you know how hard it is to see her in your shirt???" No. more. wire. hangers. EVER!!!! The Wombat, at last looking beleaguered, tells BBM that she needs to let his decisions be his decisions." But ABe and this viewer's applause falters when the Wombat's edict is immediately followed by kissing. Boo hiss.

At least the Wombat does not hand out a rose on this date. But Broke Back will not be deterred: "If he can't make a decision, I'm going ot take matters into my own hands." eek.

Off we go on our date with Alli. "Meet me at the altar," said her date card. Oh shit, someone is going to die.

But Alli doesn't care, as she has put her Twin Towers on display in yet another bikini/tank top situation. We are sure she is thankful that the Wombat shows up for this date with two horses and two ponies, undoubtedly to carry each of her Girls. As the Wombat and Alli saunter into a field, the Wombat announces that they are going into a "cave. that is actually. 4. Million. Years. Old." This must be where ABC found Broke Back Michelle. "And Elvis," says ABe.

Alli and the Wombat walk directly into. . . batshit. Which inspires her to Make Like the Natives. As spiders scrabble and bats fly all over, Alli screetches and for one exciting moment, we think she might throw up. But no, the Wombat promises that "I'll protect you," so of course she feels safe . . until they get to a natural stairway inside the cave, called the "Alter," and the Wombat sacrifices her during their "picnic." Ok, not really, but we don't see much of this awkward moment.

Instead, we jump to yet another awkward moment: dinner on a lillypad. The Wombat is saddened because Alli has "all the qualities he is looking for in a wife" (substantial chest, brunette) and yet they are "making small talk." And also, my babies, she is writing her own goodbye. Apparently, Alli ended her last relationship because she just couldn't see him at her wedding. He was such a nice guy that she tried to make it work, but it just Was Not Working, and she eventually had to acknowledge that the relationship had fizzled out. "I'm going to repeat what you just said," starts the Wombat . .. . and he dumps her. The Wombat says he will walk her out, but we can't figure out how because they are surrounded by water.

At any rate, Alli cries in the limo about the Wombat having "set the bar high" for her next relationship (wtf.), and the Wombat stumbles home, drunk and "emotional" for not having given out a rose for the first time ever. KMu and ABe think that this is a perfect time for Jamie Green, or his Puerto Rican twin brother, "Jaime Verde," and we all secretly wonder where he is with his comforting words about staying true to the Mission, not kissing people the Wombat Doesn't Feel Like Kissing, and so forth. But Mr. Rico, Verde never shows up. Instead, we get . . . . Broke Back Michelle knocking on the Wombat's door.

"Hola," says she.

Ok, this is our thing (all of us). We watched as Dolly Pemily had the skinny french braid down the side of her head during the group date. And we watched as Jackie and maybe even Shawntel of the Dead did it as well. But here is Michelle, with the french braid tucked under her weave and we are Sick. Of. It.
"Michelle is a hairstylist," says KMu. "And that makes it a crime against nature."
Yet in a hard edit, Michelle and french braid have suddenly flown from outside the door to inside, on the sofa, making out with the Wombat. As she comes up for air, she says, for the 11th time, that the Wombat would be "making a huge mistake to keep Chantal" and that he made Michelle mad by not giving her the rose on the group date. She rattles of the list of people the Wombat should kick off, in order: Skipper Barbie, Jackie, Shawntel of the Dead, Chantally Lace, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist, finally leaving Broke Back in the end. The Wombat is annoyed, as are we, and we are all glad when she leaves again. We will say one thing for BBM: she doesn't hover.

And the rose ceremony is upon us. Chantally Lace dressed herself up like a cheetah girl for this one, and Dolly Pemily decided to go back to her hippie stripper roots with some sort of paisley contraption on top of teetery heels. Yet is is Broke Back, who once again, has traumatized us all. Gentle readers, she is wearing a backpack. "You know, the kind that is a sack tied with a string on top," says KMu. And it is so true. She has tucked herself into said backpack so that only her head is popping out above the twine. Like a Gremlin.

In 1:1 time with the Wombat, he tells her that (like ourselves), she has "scared .him. badly." He feels that in her little visit the night before, they "took. ten. steps. back." and admonishes her again to trust his decisions. Yay, wombat!!! And now it is Broke Back's turn to be "scared" because she wants to "be married and have more children." There is wailing and gnashing of teeth. Yet when she returns to the other women, Broke Back says of her 1:1 time:
"It went good."
KMu: "With him and I."
ABe: "Him and I had a good conversation."
RAGE.

Blah blah, in additional 1:1 time with Shawntel of the Dead, they play the "Silent Game" which we all know the Wombat is going to win and that Shawntel just wants to use to kiss him -- which she does, badly. Chantally Lace then uses her 1:1 time to confess her undying love, to which the Wombat offers the Best Response Ever: "What makes you say that, if you don't mind."
Says PMu, "My daddy withheld love from me."

Meanwhile, the women have figured out the Broke Back snuck out to see the Bachelor the night before. She had initially lied about it, but then confesses it all: "That's why I came here. I'm not apologizing. I am keepin' it real." Oh, Broke Back.

And he picks (to join Chantally Lace, the only one with a rose so far):
1. The Dentist
2. Dolly Pemily
3. Skipper Barbie
4. Shawntel of the Dead, and
5. Broke Back.

WHAT? Jackie the artist goes home. She handles it relatively well, despite the obligatory "why doesn't anyone ever like me" speech. We all knew her days were numbered.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Wombat takes the remaining ladies to Anguilla, Chantally Lace lives up to her name in a crocheted bikini, and Broke Back Michelle takes up the discus with her earrings.

-KLo