Wombat Part 5: The Mission

Are. You. Ready. To. RUMMMBBBLLLEEE????? We sincerely hope so, as there are 11 women left and they are going to LAS VEGAS!!!! Chris Harrison, in a much more reasonable button-down than previously worn by him this season, starts Wombat part 5 with an announcement that "things are about to get serious." Because that is what happens in Vegas. And also, this a Very. Special. Episode because there are 3 dates: one 1:1 date, 1 group date, and . . . the dreaded 2:1 date, where one woman gets the axe halfway through. Yeeeeessss.

And this, babies, is the most animated we have ever seen the Wombat. He "Cant. TELL. you. how. much. he loves. this. city." He "wants. these. women. to feel. the ENERGY. of. the. city." So basically, he wants them to feel naked and slightly vomitous from all things "foot long."

Suddenly, we have arrived at REI. wtf, we are asking ourselves, and also "are they going climbing?" when the Wombat clarifies that he is actually at ARia, the Most Beautiful Hotel In The Entire World. hm. He is excited to spend a week in Vegas to try to figure out his relationships." Excellent idea, Bradley, as Vegas is the perfect place for building healthy relationships. And also, a WEEK? This viewer once spent five days in Vegas, the final day nursing her travel buddy back from the death of a poisonous sunburn four eight hours in the Cheesecake Factory. Never. Again.

So the Wombat drops the first date card off in the suite shared by the *ladies*, and Broke Back Michelle pounces on it. We do not understand her tank top, as it is exactly like the shredded muscle tanks "worn" by beefheads at the gym which may or may not have armholes cut down to the waist and a serious case of nipplegate peeping through the front. And also, it has a motorcycle on it, which we know she can't drive. And she reads: "Let's end tonight with a bang." Oooo, the card is for Shawntel of the Dead!!!
"No matter what happens tonight, it's going to end with a bang," concludes S of the D. Gentle readers, that is what one might call Not Playing Hard To Get.

So the Wombat is in a tizzy waiting for this date to begin. "VEGAS! I can't WAIT to be here!!" (Um, wombat, you ARE here). Fortunately, he does not need to wait to Bring Out the Dead, as Shawntel shows up . . . in microshorts and a sweatshirt. Babies, the Wombat is taking this woman to THE MALL for their date. And she is "overwhelmed" because she is from a "small town in Texas" and has never heard of some of the names on the stores. And (wait for it) . . . their date is a "shopping spree, in which she can buy anything she want."
Across the miles, we hear viewer KHuSco let out a strangled scream of excitement, as the Wombat concludes that this is "every woman's dream."

This may be the dream of KHuSco and Shawntel of the Dead, but it is Not. This. Woman's. Dream. This viewer recently spent an entire Saturday huddled in the corner of the outlet mall dressing room trying on Very Large Pants while feverishly whispering that the mirrors make objects look closer than they seem. To the floor in some cases, and to our knees in others. And while breathing is not to be underestimated, we are Deeply Scarred by the aging process and all Fat Pants associated therewith. So enjoy it, Shawntel of the Dead, because shopping won't be as fun as you head into your elastic waistband years.

But Shawntel of the Dead is in Bliss, and feels "all natural being in the mall holding his hand." We secretly wonder if Shawntel's mom is reading a book at the food court, passing time until she can chauffeur her home at 9. Shawntel tries on, alternatively, a bunch of garbage bags sewn together and a black skintight mini which we hate. "ooo, this is classy," concludes the Wombat. In the end, he sends SoftheD back to the hotel like a pack mule, carrying all of her various packages. The Nanny sighs that "it's the perfect pretty woman moment that every woman dreams about." Yes, Nanny, is that right after we dream of being a hooker?

But the date is Not Over! In round 2, the Wombat returns to pick up Shawntel of the Dead in her new dress. GAH, it is the one that we hate (all of us), as it looks like she pulled a sweatshirt over her head but left her arms in it. And also, it has a criss-cross back and straight front. It is an All Bras Left Behind dress. How fortunate for the Wombat that he has something to look at, as Shawntel of the Dead is looking forward to a romantic date, where she can "talk to him about being a funeral director and embalmer."

Babies, the goal is to make only one incision because otherwise there is LEAKAGE.

Naturally, Shawntel of the Dead gets the rose, and they end the evening being terrifyingly close to the falling debris of giant fireworks, as he awkwardly stands, holding her in his arms like she broke her leg.

Finally, Date Card #2 has arrived. "Let's go Speed Dating" it reads (aka, "hi, my name is Gina"). This card is for Jackie the Artist, Dolly Pemily, Lisa (who is this person?), Marissa (ditto), Alli Twin Towers, Chantally Lace, Skipper Barbie, and Broke Back Michelle.

Shocker, this date is at the Nascar Race Track, where the women are going to race cars. So once upon a time, this viewer went to a Nascar race, which was Completely Awesome. Except that the wristband person asked my friend GBe if he wanted a wristband for me in addition to his 11 year old child. And though we were well-preserved (as this was pre-lawschool and therefore before the Ravages of Time and all Fat Pants associated therewith), we have Mixed Feelings about qualifying for a childrens' wristband at the age of 26. But we digress.

This date is pretty much as expected. Dolly Pemily has a big crisis, in a quiet, vague sort of way, because this is the Race Track that ended Ricky's racing career (at age 19????) and made him go into management. Blah blah she ends up getting in the car and doing "the first few laps for Ricky, and the last lap for me" because she is ready to "move on," but we are unconvinced, particularly as she continues to wear his engagement ring (we think). And, at the obligatory end-of-group-date pool party, the other women are all crying about how they feel they have been voyeuristically watching a date between Dolly Pemily and the Wombat. Even Chantally Lace is a mess, admitting that she "loves him" for being all considerate and spending so much time with the Dolly, but crying to let him send her home if he isn't going to pick her in the end. FEH.

After Broke Back Michelle makes a play for the rose, leading the Wombat to conclude that they have a "true connection," he gives the rose to Dolly Pemily on this date.

At last, we are at the 2:1 date, with "the Ashleys" (Nanny and Dentist). "Come swing with the King" reads the date card. Oh lord, so now ABC is into the sex games. At least that is the Dentist's conclusion, as she trots out in a bondage dress of criss-crossy black. But oooooo, they are going to the Cirque du Soliel "Viva Elvis" show, where they will learn choreography!!! Poor Nanny, she is "fighting inner demons" and worried that she will ruin things between she and Brad. We secretly think it is more likely that her crazy high heels will ruin things, as they give her cankles, but whatever. Mercifully, both she and the Dentist change for their dance rehearsal, which ultimately ends in everyone swinging around in the air by harnesses, learning a dance to "Are you Lonesome Tonight." Foreshadowing??

Aaaaand, right before dinner, the Wombat "follows his heart" and picks . . . . THE DENTIST. wtf. The Nanny is going home without supper! We knew she was going to get voted off the island because of the cankle situation, as well as being terrible in the dance rehearsals. But, we still feel bad for her as the Wombat walks her through an incredibly long lobby that is suddenly filled with people as she is trying not to cry.. . which lasts until she is in the taxi going home, wailing in her itty bitty voice about how she doesn't have any fight in her and has never found anyone who wants her. Baby girl, you are 26 years old. Stop talking in the pitch of a four year old and you will stand a better chance.

The Wombat returns to embrace the Dentist, now "here with my girl, having a great time." We think they have fun eating dinner and then performing, but we really don't care anymore.

Then suddenly, Brad is wandering around with a phone in his hand, and we know that It. Is. Time. (you know what time it is)!! Time for another Therapy Moment with Jamie Green!!
"Remember the big picture, your focus is to find your wife. So your loyalty is not to any of the girls, it's TO THE MISSION." And also "If you don't allow these feelings for each woman to co-exist within you, you will shut down. There is tremendous strength in being vulnerable."

That's right, babies. Stay true to your mission to find a wife, and don't let girls get in the way. This message is brought to you by Jamie Green (tm).

Por Fin, it is the rose ceremony. Except MERCIFUL GOD, what is Chantally Lace wearing? It is like black mesh on top of a white bunny suit, with the remnants of a black bustier carved up and sewn randomly in the shape of a smiley face over her jubblies. We wonder if Zoro got to her first and she tried to patch the damage with toilet paper. Or perhaps Broke Back Michelle, all zebra-fied tonight and with the sharp talons.

We suffer through a few more 1:1s, including a warning to Chantally Lace to stop giving the Wombat "so much crap," the Wombat making Alli Twin Towers feel "special" for bringing her a chocolate cake with green trim ("Because you were wearing green the first time I met you, and I *cough*ABC*cough remember everything about you), and Marissa, whom we don't know, announcing that she is a big Note Giver, and giving him a series of notes to read at his leisure. Oh dear, Unknown Marissa, this will only End Badly.

Naturally, Broke Back Michelle whisks the Wombat away to another room where she sits on him and orders him not to talk. We hope he remembers his Safe Word. She says, "bitch, you need someone who can take care of you. Some of these girls don't even known what they have. I am different from all these other girls. Send them home." We must report that this is all said between creepy kisses which we may or may not have watched through our afghan.

And to join Shawntel of the Dead, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist with Roses this evening, he picks:
1. Broke Back Michelle
2. Alli Twin Towers (wtf?)
3. Skipper Barbie
4. Jackie the artist; and
5. Chantally Lace!!! YAY!!!

Marissa and the other unknown, Lisa, are going home. Lisa cries because she now "questions everything" and we think Marissa mostly feels like a moron for writing him notes. Marissa apparently did not have a family like this viewers, who repeatedly suggested that maybe it's not so good to put things in writing (see how well we learned).

Broke Back Michelle looks positively haggard in the Toast to Survivors following the ceremony. We hope she gets voted off in Costa Rica, where they apparently go next, or perhaps gets eaten by the Lion King when they visit him in East Africa.

-KLo