Wombat Part 3: Scared Straight

We settle down for the evening -- I with my pen, KMu with her wrap, and ABe with Chubby Hubby all snug in her lap. Bring It On, ABC, for We Are Ready. Displaying sense far wiser than her 27 days, our youngest member of the BNU staff, baby EMu, promptly wets herself and starts screaming with the opening credits. It's okay, baby EMu, this is your body's natural response to trauma.

With no ado, Wombat Part 3 begins with the first date card being deposited in the lap of The Nanny (one of the many Ashleys): "Let's find our Love Song." Crimey. The Nanny is excited: "Ih'm a gonna mahke sure ah get a kihuss!" says she. We secretly wonder if she can pucker with all those marbles in her mouth. Broke Back Michelle is wondering the same thing. NONE of these "girls" are right for the Wombat, BBM concludes. Not the puffy one (who IS that on the because daaamn), not any of the Shawn/Chantals, and not, under no uncertain terms, the Nanny.

Anyway, Brad roars up in his fancity car and asks the ladies "hey. ever.y.body. how. are. you?" before whisking the Nanny to Studio A to record a song. "Mah accent is reahhly chahrming, buht my singing voice is reahhly bahd," warns the Nanny. Color us shocked. But we are more interested in the Nanny's outfit, which appears to be a billowy raceback tank, skinny jeans, and high heels. As "billowy" and "racerback" have no business being conjoined on the back of anyone but Sharon Stone, we are skeptical.

Anyway, the Wombat has selected "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal. "BABY, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray. OOOOOOH, the more I get of you the stranger it feels, YEAH." The Nanny is all choked up because she and her dad used to sing this song together before he died. The sound guy, on the other hand, has fortified himself with an "okay, here we go," and a brandy hidden under the table. . . . and is now pissing himself, a la EMu, at the sound stylings of Wombat & the Nanny.

Fortunately for all of us, the Wombat concludes that The Nanny has "been through enough" now (like what, her 12th birthday?), and so he wants to "show her something." Naturally, that something is Seal, in the flesh, properly singing his song. The Nanny is thrilled, "it's lihke mah dad orchestrated this fruhm abohve." We are also secretly thrilled, as we always loved Seal, even though EFri played this very song incessantly in our dormroom during college.

But here is our thing. It is MLK Day today, and the only nod to racial/ethnic/cultural diversity on this show is SEAL and a few women who we know are of an origin to require regular waxing. WTF.

And also, why is The Nanny wearing a Swatch? We almost thought it was a tennis-playing-wrist-sweat-blocker, so large is this thing on her arm. But no, we get a nice long look when Brad attempts to break The Nanny's elbow by squeezing it straight and what we see is . . . the biggest shiney plastic bracelet ever, with a teensy little watch in the middle. Girrrrl, when this viewer was in 6th grade, we INVENTED the Swatch, Mennonite-style. Our version was the tube top of an old aquamarine sock, cut off and worn under a gold watch. We were Awesome and Hot in the 6th grade.

Anyway, off we go to the roof, where Bradley has set up "an. incred. ibly. nice. dinner." He has concluded that The Nanny is "great. but. there are. still. some things. about her. as. a woman. that. I . would. like to know." We also have some questions, as a woman. Chief among them are how she can wear said billowy, racerback tank without her girls playing parachute with the front.

Alas, we shall never know, as this is the moment for an In Depth Conversation regarding The Nanny's dad and his untimely death. "I am so sorry, let me have sex with you and make you feel better," says the Wombat. Okay, so that last part was added by ABe, but we feel certain he meant it. Naturally, the Nanny gets a rose on this date.

Back at the house, date card #2 has arrived: "Love Hurts." Oh dear. This card is for Shawntel of the Dead, Broke Back Michelle, the Dentist, Twin Towers Alli, Chantal, and a bunch of other women who we STILL don't know: Lindsay, Britt, Kimberley, Sarah, Lisa, Stacey, and Marissa. We secretly wonder if these people are actually Extras, and will all be killed off by the end of the episode. We wonder how we could get that gig, but Broke Back has no such questions. Though she is going on this date, she has still found something with which to be upset: "What really hurts is being on a group date with all these other women. " Of course it does, BBM.

The women, in skin-tight athletic gear, pile into a black Amish Hauling Van to head to their secret date destination. We wonder who sent the memo that neon green and yellow are "in" this year, as we thought Communication With The Outside was forbidden. However, we admit that there is a certain amount of logic in the neons: If you blind someone with your top, that person is less likely to see the backfat lurking beneath the surface.

So the Amish Van-O-Neon pulls up at a movie set, where the women freak out when Brad's introduction is interrupted by a choreographed fight scene in which he beats the crap out of six tattooed Asian thugs with a broomstick. In slow motion. That's right, babies: they are going to Film an Action Adventure, with director Stephen Ho. The plot? The women must fight their way through Asian evilness to rescue the Wombat, who has been taken captive. Oh wait, maybe THIS is what Dr. King meant about teaching tolerance.

As the women kick, stretch, and kick their way through fight sequences, Alli Twin Towers worries about pit stains in her complicated leotardy top and Sara whispers that the Wombat is "like, really good at this." Please, for the love of all that is holy, let's not have another Bachelor playing himself on soap operas for the next year just because he has the "acting bug." BMM saunters into her scene, unconvincingly kicks a few Asians, and saunters back out. Meh.

But Shawntel of the Dead is Taking No Prisoners. She beats up the Asian. Then the other Asian. She finds Brad (now tied up to a pole, hhahahha), rips the tape off his mouth, stares longingly at him, and then whispers: "You must pay the rent." Okay not really, but they do kiss. And before we know it, the Wombat is carrying her of an abandoned warehouse-- he shirtless, and she in high heels, a black turtleneck, and leopard print tights, having apparently FORGOTTEN HER BOTTOMS.

Broke Back Michelle is horrified by this display. She wants to drop kick Shawntel of the Dead, and to share a "sexy, slippery, sensual" kiss with the Wombat. So, for a period of time, this viewer was obsessed with Jujy Fruits. Until we realized, upon further reflection, that they are Not A Date Food, and that eating them increased the likelihood that one would accidentally "slip her date a Jujy," released from the archives of our molars, during an unanticipated kiss. And that, my babies, is called Growth.

But we digress. Back at the group date, the Wombat takes the women to Solair, a bar of heat lamps. You know, just because the date would not be complete without Big Foot's carbon footprint on the thing. Brad is happy, as "today was great. I had a chance to be physically active with all the ladies." Ew. He is also apparently ready for round 2, as everyone jumps in the pool. "Ah yes, the chicken fight mating ritual," says KMu, sagely.

Soon, we are in 1:1 time. Chantal (we think) is weeping on the Wombat's shoulder about her worst mistake in life. We thought this was getting married to the person she has since divorced, but no. It was, in fact, not tracing down her real father, who abandoned her, before his death in February. Okay, this is like girl #30 with daddy issues. AND ALSO, from the tracking-down-of-real-dad process, Chantal has realized her biggest mistake: Living For Tomorrow, Instead of Today. We don't know what to say, except that Chantal just dropped a few notches in our eyes for answering a question la Miss America. But the Wombat doesn't care, as they apparently have Extreme Chemistry.

Shawntel of the Dead, however, is rising in our estimation. She concludes that she had a great time with the Wombat, but that "now a pack of hyenas is after him." One such hyena being Twin Towers Alli, who tells Brad during 1:1 time that she she was a swimmer through age 15. "Congratulations, you were competitive through middle school," says KMu.

Never fear, for Broke Back Michelle is hot in pursuit, staring forelornly through the glass doors as Twin Towers Alli and Brad talk indoors before finally coming inside to stand 10 feet away from them and drum her fingernails. This woman is batshit, but successful: the Wombat quickly excuses himself from Twin Towers Alli and goes to talk with Broke Back.

Oh, BMM wants Brad to know that "there is so much to me, as a mother!" Oh, she worries that she is "not doing the right thing" and neglecting her only child for television. Oh!, she wants to "pursue the potential" for an important relationship with him. We vomit in our mouths as the Wombat buys it hook, line, and sinker, swears Broke Back is not neglecting her child, and comforts her. Says BMM later on, she can't wait to be in Tahiti, practicing making babies with Brad. We have no words.

Aaaaan, the rose goes to Shawntel of the Dead on this date. YAY.

Back at home, date card #3 has come for Dolly Pemily: "Love is Intoxicating." YES. DRUNK DATE!!!! But Dolly Pemily is nervous. She doesn't know if she can tell the story of her fiancee dying to the Bachelor, so she tells it once (you know, just for practice) to the other girls left at home from the group date. The puffy faced girl is crying, Fangs is crying, everybody is crying except The Nanny. Dolly Pemily, says one woman, is a "barbie doll with the soul of mother theresa." Yes, and this viewer is a nutcracker with the soul of an old cat.

The Wombat comes to pick Dolly Pemily up for her date, and ABe is horrified by every aspect of her wardrobe: a shorts romper, a sleeveless sweater that is long in front and itty in the back, and stripper heels. Dolly Pemily has to hold onto the door frame to get down the 2 steps into the sunken living room with the Wombat arrives. But he doesn't notice, asn he has been "looking. forward. to this. date. for. ever." And what better way to get there than. .. . . a PLANE!!! Dolly Pemily looks terrified, in a gracious way, as the Wombat presents her with their mode of transportation. We feel bad for her emotionally, but also secretly feel that she got her just desserts for wearing Those Shoes as she teeters up the loading dock.

As Dolly Pemily and Brad drink wine and eat sausage (hee hee) under a mountain of blankets at Contoria Vineyard, we wonder if ABC has decided to freeze them to death. But soon we don't care, as Dolly Pemily threatens to tip the scales of insipidity further than they have Ever Been Tipped Before:
Wombat: "Tell me about you."
Dolly Pemily: "Um, I mean, I don't know. I'm just like everybody. When I'm tired, I get grumpy. So, um, the same things as everyone else."
Wombat: "Uh, okay. So . . . what has been your best date?"
Dolly Pemily: "Oh, something with your best friend, being silly, being yourself. That would be my best date."
As KMu points out, this likely passed for a Deep and Meaningful Conversation when last Dolly Pemily dated, at AGE 15. But this is going No Where Good, and we even feel bad for the Wombat, who is sincerely trying.

The Wombat decides to take a new approach: bringing Dolly Pemily to a giant barn, strewn with candles on top of straw, in the dead of night. Obviously, no one responsible for this show grew up in the Midwest. ABe sings: "Late last night, while we were all in bed. Mrs. O'Leary put a lantern in the shed. And when the cow kicked it over, she winked her eye and said: There'll be a hot time, in the old town, tonight!" Seriously people, this rivals that animated movie that came out a few years ago in which all the cows were male.

But whether it is the terror of being charbroiled or the wine (which she is now downing with amazing speed), but Dolly Pemily finally spits out her story and tells Brad about her daughter. The Wombat is pleased: "It seems like 100 lbs were lifted off her shoulders," says he. Yes, leaving only skeletons left in her closet, as Dolly Pemily does not have 100 lbs to lift. As they chat more comfortably, the Wombat gives Dolly Pemily the rose and they kiss. Blech.

Now that the dates are over, the Wombat is in a self-reflective mood. Thank goodness that Jamie Green, a british man who is Brad's "therapist whil he's in L.A." happens to be in town. Babies, Jamie comes for a therapy session and ABC FILMS IT. We do not know what level of HIPAA compliance had to be achieved for this to be okay on any planet, but we know two things: 1) Jamie Green is not a real therapist because he spends all the time talking about his own thoughts and opinions, and 2) we concur with ABe that we could write an entire blog on the wrongness of this moment.

Uncle Jamie feels it's important for Brad to "bring back the playfullness" in his life, and tells Brad all about how he sees Brad progressing in life. We feel dirty. But the Wombat is inspired: "I'm going to use this cocktail party to really talk to the ladies." Good idea, Brad, alcohol always helps one get to know someone more intimately, so to speak.

At last, the cocktail party of which Brad speaks is upon us. The Dentist is freaked out because "women" are starting to feel a little bit of jealousy, etc. And also, she is wearing a lace one-piece mini-dress like it was 1989. But Jackie the Artist, with a vagina on her shoulder, puts the Dentist's miniskirt to shame. Yes, Jackie, why bother with the lace when you can Air It Out for All to See. We Cannot Look Away from Jackie's dress. . . .

At least until Brad shows up and starts his 1:1 rounds. Twin Towers Alli, with a big bow on her chest, says she "wrapped myself up as a present for you." Won't she feel like a moron if he sends her home. Broke Back Michelle also insists on talking to the Wombat, but we are pleased when he only lets her give him a hug before making a B-line for Chantal. In 1:1 time with Chantal, the Wombat apologizes for not responding well when Chantal divulged her story about Living for Today. She says it's okay because he's a "good prize at the end" (???).

Naturally, Broke Back interrupts. . . to announce that "you and I are kinda in a fight" to the Wombat. She informs him further that she shared a first kiss with him, and then learned that he kissed both Shawntel of the Dead and Chantal." We don't understand how the Wombat is not kicking this woman off the show by now, but he LOVES the attention she is giving him, however imbalanced: "I like that she is so direct. I LOVE that she wants me to know she wants my time." Le Sigh.

And then. . . Fangs shows up Without Her Top. We had an unexpectedly heartwarming moment towards Fangs when, after Dolly Pemily told her story earlier in Wombat Part 3, Fangs was essentially Scared Straight by the reality of what a real relationship is. Said Fangs at the time, "I would have liked to fall in love here, but some of these women need to, they need this." Yes, and now Fangs needs some clothing, as her northern lady parts appear to be covered solely by a pashmina worn across her shoulders. As she talks to the Wombat, we catch a sideview of jubbly rockclimbing under her armpit. Not ribfat. JUBBLY.

Fangs takes off her . . fangs, and becomes Madison again as she tells the Bachelor that she "owes you where my mind's at." She tells him that she feels like everything she would do now, would be taking away from others." He is concerned, understandably, as we all know This Is The End of Fangs. But this still does not prevent him from wandering off to have 1:1 time with The Dentist, who has Emotionally Withdrawn, but which he reels back in with a big dramatic kiss.

And he picks, to join The Nanny, Shawntel of the Dead, and Dolly Pemily:
1. Broke Back Michelle (wtf)
2. Chantal (yay)

Suddenly, Fangs storms out. The Wombat, unnerved, follows her into another room, where she again tells him that she would have a really hard time taking a rose from any of the other women who put so much on the line. Both Brad and this viewer like this more honest version of Fangs, even when she says "it's not easy to just walk into this fairy tale and walk out with prince charming." "Especially with those shoes," says ABe, and we can't help but feel ABe is correct, as Fangs has chosen to wear those cuff-heels made popular by the alcohol monitoring set. Vaya con Dios, Fangs.

And the Wombat returns to continue picking:

3. Lisa (WHO IS THIS)
4. Jackie the Artist and her tribute to Georgia O'Keefe
5. Marissa (again, WHO IS THIS?)
6. Britt (see supra)
7. Twin Towers Alli
8. Lindsay -- oh, right right. The redhead in the red dress. Again.
9. Meghan (again, who is this????)
10. Stacy (GAH we don't know these people!!!).

Kimberley, who we also don't know, gets the axe. She is a graceful loser: F*** Brad. I could walk out of here today and start dating tomorrow. His loss." But Sara, the other person to get the axe, is a mess about it.

Stay tuned for next week, when the women talk to Dr. Drew about cheating. OOOOOO.

KLo