Wombat Part 4: It's a Moral Issue

As the sun rises over an aquaduct -- oh wait, that is the backside of the ladies' manse -- we discover that Broke Back Michelle has a black eye. Since the first rule of Bachelorette Fight Club is that you don't talk about Bachelorette Fight Club, we realize that we will never know the True Cause of said black eye (though we secretly hope that it is Chris Harrison). Anyhow, BBM *claims* she doesn't know the cause and says she "just woke up this way." We *try* to believe this excuse, and are secretly glad when Chris Harrison interrupts to explain how dates will work this week. Except that he is wearing a red and white plaid shirt and the buttony half of a gray womens' twinset. WTF, Chris Harrison.

So Chris explains that there will be three dates -- two 1:1 dates and 1 group date. We know that everyone will get a rose on these dates because Brad Wombat is a weanie tot, but The Harrison still explains that if you don't get one, you will be going home. He also provides the first card: "How Deep Is Our Love?" to Chantal. She is wigged with excitement. We are just glad that it's for her, and not for one of the 10 or so other women, sitting around the room, who we still can't name on sight. Broke Back is pissed, and the Nanny says she wishes she was the one to give Broke Back the black eye (secretly, to the camera).

So Bradley picks up Chantal in a helicopter, which she thinks is cool and surprising even though it is the primary mode of transportation for all of the Bachelor's Greenest dates. She is also stressed, as she was with her high school sweetheart 10 years, and still does not know how to date. Ok, so this viewer did not have a high school sweatheart. But if we did, our most likely candidate would have been the One Boy Not Terrified to Ask Us Out (but whom we still turned down), or alternatively, one of the several boys who informed this viewer that they didn't care which sister in our family that they dated, as long as they got to date one. Yes, babies, Romance Is Still Alive in the midwest. Either way, it would have ended badly, especially after 10 years, so we can understand Chantal's predicament.

As the Wombat and Chantal fly over yachts in the bay, we wonder how Chantal came to wear a matching leather jacket to the Wombat's (though his has a side zip. seriously.). And finally, we are at destination #2: they are going to Walk on the Sea Floor!!! Except crisis: Chantal has a fear of Deep Water. Her biggest worry is that she is "going to go down and not back up."
Let's just sit with that statement for a moment.

They suit up, complete with Outbreak breathing helmets, and take the plunge. "So I get in the water. I don't know how I do it, but I get in the water," says Chantal. We worry that 1) our favorite contestant is even more vapid than we anticipated, and 2) she really doesn't know how she got in the water. But whether she was pushed in or remembered that she had legs, Chantal and Brad are soon looking for diseased monkeys in the bottom of the ocean and tipping their big giant heads towards each other for a helmet kiss.

And then: oh look, he pitched TWO tents for her! Suddenly, the Wombat and Chantal, now in a LACE t-shirt top (wtf), are at a tent city outside of L.A., laying on a futon bed with torches all around. Having set up one too many beach receptions at one point in our life, we are a bit terrified at the prospect of fire + billowy material. But ABe is annoyed, as the Wombat has suddenly seized this reclining moment to Get Serious:
Wombat: "Do you want to get married again?"
Chantally Lace: "Yes. I want a Union. A person to come home to."
PMu: "I prefer a confederacy."
After they both swear they are Ready To Love Again (for different reasons), it begins to softly rain (oh!). KMu, channeling Chris Harrison, announces that "should you like to forgo your individual tents, you may spend the night in the Fantasy Tent." Chantally Lace gets the rose, and they share an awkward futony kiss before taking KMu's helpful suggestion. We are lead to believe that they spend the night, as The Wombat also announces that she doesn't need to leave, and then later, that "her and I" had a great time. RAGE. Chantally Lace, agreeing, says that "It was a make it or break it night. And it turned out to be Make It." So to speak.

Meanwhile, back at the house, date card #2 has come: "Let's put our Hearts On the Line." Blech. And it is for a bunch of the Unknown Extras: the Nanny, Stacy the Bartender, Lindsay, Alli Twin Towers, Jackie the Artist, Meghan, Britt and the Dentist. Broke Back, with a popsickle on her eye, says that "there's a really good chance that if Brad doesn't give me the other 1:1, he will get his own black eye." We are so tired of her we wish she would just go home. As she cries to the Nanny about how Hard It Is to be her, the Nanny is like, "dude, it's just going to get tougher, so man up." But Broke Back is unconsolable, declaring that Chantally Lace is "loud and hard," "very headstrong," and that if she doesn't go home tonight, there will be problems. As BBM has just described herself, we take a pass.

The alcohol is already flowing for breakfast as the girls get ready for date #2: going to LoveLine with Dr. Drew and That Other Guy! We secretly know that Dr. Drew is like "oh my god, how did I end up on this show," as Brad tells him that his Biggest Concern is that he is not compatible with the women, so can Dr. Drew help him figure it out. Says Stacy the Bartender: "I think I'm one of the only people who knows how reputable Dr. Drew is." Yes sweetheart, he is so reputable that he is now endorsing your drinking of the beer at 10 in the morning, after belinis for breakfast, and while he simultaneously moonlights as an addiction specialist in another show.

Anyway, as this is the most talk-intensive episode of the Bachelor ever, we are now getting tired of keeping up. Let's see: amidst painful and extended awkward silences on air, Stacy confesses to have cheated once in college. Britt, looking like Skipper Barbie, breathlessly admits that she is so busy trying to make a good impression that she is worried he doesn't know who she is. While amidst still more painful and awkward silences in the hottub later that evening: the Dentist is all jealous/spazzy to the Wombat, Alli Twin Towers gets 1:1 time only to have the Wombat instantly stolen by the Nanny -- who wants to HUG IT OUT with her, and KMu feels the burning rage that the Wombat apparently has no ability to manage his time or the people vying for it. You know, the usual.

Date Card #3, interrupting this Painful Hot Tub Interlude, is a welcome relief, even if it is for Broke Back Michelle. "Let's Hang Out Together," it says. Chantally Lace, rising to the Awesome we know she is, freaks Broke Back out by wondering aloud why it's the only card that does not mention the word "love."

Alas, we are ripped back from this respite to shrivel in the hot tub a few hours longer with the group date. Jackie the Artist has concluded that group dating with the Dentist is exhausting, as Stacy the bartender and the Dentist snit at each other and then the Dentist throws a tantrum at Brad when he looks like he's going to give her the rose . . . causing him to switch plans and give it to Britt/Skipper Barbie, who had Only Moments Earlier told him she has a big crush. As she is also buttless, we are unimpressed.

Finally, it is date #3 with Broke Back Michelle. Except that it's not, because the Dentist is crying at breakfast about how she feels "emotionally unstable" and wouldn't want to "be with me either right now." Broke Back, unmoved, does her nails at the kitchen table and then becomes a ball of fury when the Wombat comes to pick her up . . . only to request some time with the Dentist beforehand. Thirty minutes of "PuhLEEZ. open. up. Ash.LAY." and "AH. Need. You. to. Trust. This. Process. and to trust. me" from Brad, the Dentist is mollified but Broke Back is even more furious.

Waiting in the living room with the other women, Broke Back rages against the 30 minutes of precious time wasted by the Dentist's unresolved issues from the Group Date. And once again, Chantally Lace earns her stripes:
CL: "Dudette, back off. You took a bunch of time on our group date, when you walked off and refused to do your scene."
*All other women*: GASP.
BBM: (insert terrifying smile): "But that was a MORAL isue (sidebar: she was opposed to giving blood? To acting in PSA's about giving blood?). I was genuinely going to leave. Then Brad followed me and we talked. That was *completely different* than what is happening with the Dentist."
The remaining women are silent and frozen creatures, terrified that Broke Back is going to Cut Chantilly Lace like this viewer's neighbor Dennis.

At last, the Wombat returns, only to be forcibly removed from the room by Broke Back Michelle. As they drive away, the Wombat explains how he HAD to talk to the Dentist, and Broke Back is all understanding in her Carrie Bradshaw necklace. We are pretty sure said necklace says: "Michelle" and then it itty letters underneath "Iwillcutyoubitchdon'tthinkIwon't." We hope Broke Back chokes on her hair.

Initially, BBM is excited to learn that she is going to the Wombat's cave to hang out for the day. Then, as a helicopter flies overhead, she informs the Wombat "I'm going to kill you." No seriously, she is. But as they fly into downtown LA, we secretly wonder if he isn't going to Finish Her Off first. Babies, they are going to repel down the side of a condiminium. She pretends to be freaking out, and we worry that this whole experience will bring them closer, a la Le Sausage and El Piloto. Says he: "If and when we hit the ground . . . floor . . . we will be a lot closer." Says she, "Oh yes, it is a Leap of Love." vomit.

As they begin their journey down the front of the building, we are more interested at looking inside the glass at what the condos look like. We also wonder who opened their blinds this morning to find a birdseye view of Broke Back's crotch, and whether that person is now in therapy with Jamie Green.

BBM and the Wombat reach safety and share an awkward hug before instantly jumping into the pool in their clothing. So, this viewer has weathered enough Lost Swimmer Drills that we know it is unfun to jump into the water fully clothed. And also, we do not understand how BBM is going to be able to magically peel all those skin tight layers to become dry in the very next screen shot. But, there she is -- even with dry hair -- and lounging on a bed by the pool while talking about her daughter "bree-elle." KMU thinks that sounds like a cleaning product and we secretly agree. But the Wombat is dazzled:
"You are a mature woman," he concludes.
Oh Wombat, you have NO idea. We feel confident that Broke Back is going to "have another birthday" any day. Naturally, Brad "feels confident and strong" in what he has with Broke Back, that he could see himself raising her kid (well, at least that will make one parent), and having more children with Broke Back. Oh dear. She gets the rose.

Back at the ranch, Stacy the Bartender and Chantally Lace conclude that Broke Back is one Crazy Lady with the twitching and the bulging eyeballs every time something goes amiss. Chantally Lace concludes that Broke Back will "blow herself out eventually," and we love her the more for it.

And the rose ceremony is upon us, but not before a little Therapy Moment with Jamie Green:
Problem: You see, babies, the Wombat is suffering under what we call Peer Pressure to kiss the ladies. When he is "dating a woman, I like to take it slow. I mean, just kissing now, but you know, I am going to do that with one woman, and then turn around and do it with another."
Solution: Oh Brad! The Good News is that you've learned to be "aware of you." But "You've got to knock it off. Just kiss a woman when it feels right to do so."

That's right, babies. Don't kiss a person unless you feel it is right. This message is brought to you by Jamie Green, former '80s rock star and british person (and therefore smarter and wiser than the rest of us).

So the rose ceremony. We are reminded of the existence of Shawntel of the Dead and Dolly Pemily, whom we have not seen at all this episode except in relation to consoling Broke Back Michelle when she declares she will DIE if she doesn't get a rose. Our appreciation for S of the D is diminished, when she decides it would be "cute" for the Wombat to pick her up on the count of three, just to relive their group date fighting asians. On the other hand, Dolly Pemily is all her tinkly best in a royal blue bandaid and stripper heels. The Wombat has packed a special romantic basket for her, erupting jealousy in the fake chests of the other women. But we are wondering how he will pull this off, as he puts a blanket on the concrete and then asks Dolly Pemily to sit on it WITHOUT showing the world where her daughter came from. After an awkward 2 minute conversation and one sip of champagne, the Wombat hauls Dolly Pemily up off the blanket and pushes her back inside.

Let's see . . .Meghan also gets some 1:1 time, but we don't really care because we know she will be getting the axe, so Not Brad's Type is she. Broke Back Michelle has chosen to wear her hair in a side barret like a four year old. This is not a good look for her. And Chantally Lace has burst into tears at the sight of the basket for Dolly Pemily and another bachelorette's dark musings that it is a "reassurance of Brad's love," for now Chantally Lace feels Cheap. But in 1:1 time with Brad, he asks that she: "Feel confident. in. the. fact. that I am. so wild. ly. attracted. to the fact. that you are. everything I have. not . been. with. in the past." You know, "independant, not needy . . . " LORD. Thank God the Nanny is here to save us in her off-one-shoulder pink satin monstrosity.

And he picks (to join Chantally Lace, Skipper Barbie, and Broke Back):
1. The Nanny
2. Dolly Pemily
3. Shawntel of the Dead
4. Lisa (WHO IS THIS?!??!)
5. Jackie the Artist
7. Marissa (again, who???)
8. the Dentist.

Meghan, whose lack of air time has not stopped her from wearing a toga, runs off like she's got to take a dump. Lindsay, whom we also don't know, is sad. And we feel bad for Stacy the Bartender, who both earned her stripes by commenting on Broke Back's bulging eyeballs and also confessed to cheating in college, only to get the axe.

Stay tuned for next week, when the *ladies* go to Las Vegas.

KLo