Wombat Part 8: Tales from the Crypt

Well, babies. It has happened. This viewer is getting married.
"At least someone got engaged this season of the bachelor," sayeth PMu. Word.

"This. has. been. an. incred.ible. experience. Waking. up. in. New. York. I was. so. excited," reports the Wombat. So the first time we woke up in New York, it was to the noise of a gay pride parade racketing down the street outside our residence like a mardi gras queen in assless chaps. Which is, in fact, far more exciting than the rain peeing down the window outside the Wombat's. And also, why is he wearing a cap from Newsies? This is an Unconvincing Look for the Wombat.

He recaps the women: He could see "real life" with Chantally Lace. The Dentist has energy like a Yorkie. Shawntel of the Dead is "beautiful, fun." And Dolly Pemily . . . .
ABe: "He wants to pick her, but they wouldn't survive as a couple."
KMu: "Yeah, because they're both too stupid."
We are vaguely aware of the Wombat saying something about feelings getting deeper, but still cannot get past his hat. "Hello, gov'ner," says ABe.

Without further ado, we are accosted by Chantally Lace. She has chewed through her floral noose and run to meet the Wombat in the park during one of the only sunny days in her hometown of Seattle, frayed ends of the rope/scarf dangling. Unfortunately, her pants are so tight that, when she jumps into the Wombat's arms, Chantally Lace leaves her legs behind. We know girlfriend is tiny, but that has still got to feel like a ton of bricks for the Wombat.

Chantally Lace prattles on and on and ON in the Most Pointless Conversation Ever: So happy to see you. Just natural. Be yourself. This is like hanging out in real life. Parents important. Go meet them. But first, let's go home to my house so we can . . . meet my dog Boca.
[GASP].
Gentle readers, "Boca" is a 6 inch tall pomeranian in a HOODIE. Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, babies, she's just "Boca from the Block." Having been warned that Boca "can bite," the Wombat is also thrilled to discover that "Boca is a good judge of character," -- apparently based on the fact that Boca does not bite HIM. We secretly feel like Chantally Lace's other pets: two cats looking Salty in the corner. But Chantally Lace thinks hanging out with the Wombat and Boca is "just like the Real World." Yes, This is the story about what happens when a Cowboy from Texas and an Emo from Seattle Stop Being Polite, and Get Real.

So just because this is completely like the real life, we go to meet Chantally Lace's parents in the most Ridiculously Overdone Mansion Ever. Babies, it has it's own brick circular entry/driveway, between two sets of gates. Are we back at the Bachelorette house? Because this place is looking familiar. And also, home to Mom, Billy Joel (or Jo, but Joel is more fun), Michael, and brother Conner. "What up, bro," says the Wombat.

Illustrating the age-old adage that Money Does Not Equal Taste, our eyes do not know where to look: at Billy Joel's fake boobs and fake lips, at the giant candelabra stuck between a bunch of other Giant Things People Buy from Pottery Barn to Decorate Giant tables, or at the giant basket of chicken that Dad Michael just put down on the Giant table, to accompany the decanted wine. Our eyes go back to the mother. Is this chick for real? As she catwalks out of the living room, we conclude that Billy Joel will be on the next Hosewives of Seattle, and that the Wombat will be playing footsie with both ladies of the house during dinner.

Dad and Chantally lace have a heart to heart. Oh, it's just like when he met mom and knew This Was It (before the collagen)! Dad and the Wombat have a heart to heart. Babies, they both have bricklayers in their families. And also, Dad has a 10 foot high statute of a man carving himself out of rock in the middle of his house because 1) why not, and 2) "guys like you and me, we are Self Made Men." Dad and Wombat get progressively drunk as they carry their conversation to what this viewer *might* have secretly thought was the kitchen, but is, in fact, the wine cellar. Oops. That is apparently only in this viewer's kitchen.

As the men hug it out in a budding Bromance, Chantally Lace sits awkwardly across from Billy Joel in the sitting room. Billy Joel tries to move her lips to say that she must Trust Love. But Chantally Lace is scared, babies. She Never Thought She Would Feel this Way Again after her 10-year romance with her high school sweetheart ended in divorce. "Come here so that I can awkwardly pet your hair," says a potted plant next to Billy Joel. We applaud Billy Joel for practicing ventriloquey, in light of her situation.

This date ends as it should:
Chantally Lace: "I will miss you."
Wombat: "Ok, sounds good."

Off we go to Madawaksa, Maine, a/k/a the most northeastern town in the United States, to meet the Dentist. KMu hands us a brownie. "It's a speedball," says KMu. You know, so that we are on the same sauce as the Dentist.

So the Dentist is wearing a white t-shirt tucked into spandex leggings, and boots. We do not know how we feel about this, but we no longer care because suddenly, the Dentist is feeding the Wombat Poutine!!! We love us some french fries with gravy and cheese. Our mind flashes back to eating this elixir at Superbowl 2008 and the Superbowl Blow Out that followed. It was so worth it, babies. We decide that, in the world of Weird Shit French Speaking People Put on French Fries, we will take Poutine any day over its Belgian response: Mayonaisse. Except what did we just hear the Wombat say? "This is better than sushi." You are DEAD TO ME, Wombat.

This date is dizzying game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. The Wombat and Dentist race around snapping up carrots, lobster, and apples, only to vomit them all back up to her family: Mom Laurie, Dad Mike, Sister Christie, and Brother somebody-or-other, who then musical-chair it around the living room at a frantic pace. Christie explains that, living so far north, the girls were into innocent entertainment as children . . . ice skating, ice fishing, and the occassional tattoo parlor (judging from the full-body tats that Christie is sporting just under her t-shirt). We heart Christie.

In 1:1 time with Dad, he informs the Wombat that she is going to "finish school" and "become a dentist." Stop the presses. Ashley is NOT A DENTIST??? Color us shocked that ABC would embellish this fact. The Wombat, in turn, worries that he will "hold Ashley back in life." You know, Wombat, that is Really Surprising as she can Think Circles Around You. But if the Dentist wants to saddle herself to a twit, so be it.

This date ends with Mom Laurie suggesting that the Wombat spend the night because they "have four bedrooms." And also, the parents could just Bundle the Wombat and the Dentist, for warmth and propriety just like the old Mennonites of yore. That's right, babies: stick a board between them and rope them up tight. Bundling: What REALLY happens in the Fantasy Suite.

And now we come to the Piece de Resistance: The Wombat wanders into Chico, California to meet Shawntel of the Dead for their Hometown Date. And what better place to start, than at the funeral home? Da da DA, dadadada Da DUM!!!! As the Toccata & Fugue in G Minor starts to play, Shawntel of the Dead rises up from the stairwell in a mini-skirt and cowboy boots with this:
"Death has been a part of my life since I was a little girl."
Oh look, it's Debbie Does a Funeral Home, Chico-Style.

"This is a first for "Brad and I's relationship," says Shawntel. If this viewer were on the embalming table, we would rise up and smite this woman for Killing Grammar. But the Wombat is unphased (though not for long):
"From the little I've seen, I love it here!," says he.
"Thanks, it gets even prettier!," says Shawntel of the Dead.
Babies, he meant the town.
Okay, so in the interest of full disclosure (and because ABe and KMu are going to Out Us otherwise), this viewer has secretly and seriously thought about being a mortician. We don't mind dead people. Or grief. And we can do hair. And also, death is not unrelated to the practice of law. But Shawntel prances about the crypts ("do you want to be cremated?"), the cremation room, and the prep room with scissors of every color and variety, and describes how she meets with families to prepare their wishes. And so we can understand why the Wombat is looking progressively wild-eyed, ESPECIALLY when she puts him on the prep table. Uh oh.

We go home to meet Mom Colleen, Dad Rick, and Sisters Destiny and Vanessa. Somehow, these two normal people that are Shawntel's parents have managed to create three hot daughters. Though, KMu observes that naming one's child "Destiny" has a whole new meaning when one runs a funeral home.

So this is our thing (all of us): We really like this family. Dad Rick throws down on Shawntel of the Dead: "You were in the line of succession to take over the family business, and you can't do that if you move away."
Shawntel: "But Daddy, I am in love. And when a person is In Love, they do Crazy Things." (like throw away one's career to marry an emotionally challenged bar owner from Texas).

We heave a deep, heartfelt sigh for Shawntel's parents to have raised such pretty daughters, one of whom has apparently lost her mind. "That's okay," we whisper. "She will come back. This viewer once dated a man who kept a ferret in his bathroom, and it all worked out in the end." Fortunately for Shawntel's parents, and though we like Shawntel more than before, we know she is Toast. The Wombat stands about three feet away from her as they say goodbye.

And the last Hometown Date with Dolly Pemily is upon us. And what better place to start out than a park, where ABC can shamelessly tug at our heartstrings with a shot of Ricky running into Dolly Pemily's arms, a la Big Daddy and Ty. As the Wombat walks across a park bridge carrying something pink, KMu calls it: "He got Ricky a kite."
And color us shocked, it IS a butterfly kite.
So this is just another supremely awkward date, with Ricky hiding behind Dolly Pemily the entire time, the Wombat trying to connect over a picnic lunch ("what. do. you. like. to do. for fun") and Dolly Pemily trying to juggle a mute daughter and a cardboard date . . . until the Wombat decides to break the ice by asking Ricky about her makeup table.

You know, when this viewer was little, all we wanted was one of those disembodied heads with a giant makeup kit and curlers, so that we could do hair and makeup to our heart's content. And do you know what we got? We got a bike. But our sister, SHa, SHE got a Dolly Parton wig for her fourth birthday. And that's why she likes Britney Spears. True Story.

At any rate, things unthaw over board games and tooth brushing, except the whole kid thing has traumatized the Wombat. He claims he is ready for children, gentle readers, but he Just. Can't. Kiss. Dolly Pemily with her child sleeping upstairs. To Dolly Pemily's credit, she concludes: "Brad Wombat is not walking out the door without kissing me. That's for damn sure." Ok, we like D.P. And, in the only moment of minor aggression we have witnessed from the Dolly, she actually liplocks the Wombat as he leaves. Yay, Dolly Pemily! But you deserve so much better!

So the rose ceremony, like it always is, is upon us. And even though it is President's Day, was it really necessary for the ladies to wear Red (Chantally Lace), White (the Dentist), and Blue (Dolly Pemily)? We now KNOW that Shawntel of the Dead is going home, because she is black and babies, black ain't a color of ABC's United States.

Sure enough, after a pointless deliberation with Chris Harrison, the Wombat picks:
1. The Dentist.
2. Dolly Pemily.
3. Chantally Lace.
Shawntel of the Dead is very graceful as the Wombat informs her that she got the axe because, besides creeping him out, he "didn't feel the way a man ought to feel," when she told him that she loved him. We seriously hope that Shawntel of the Dead finds a guy who can handle her lifestyle.

Stay tuned for next week, when the ladies go to South Africa and must decide whether to Stay in the Fantasy Suite. This viewer personally thinks it's a good idea, as the only off-air time to get to know each other.
Sayeth KMu: "And see how big Wombat's penis is."
Sayeth PMu: "Of course, if Brett Favre is the next bachelor, there's no need to use the Fantasy Suite to learn that."

-KLo