Wombat Part 7: Fat Lard

Hello my Valentines!!! In honor of Valentine's Day and ABe's birthday, the Mus began Wombat Part 7 by cracking out the Special Sauce. As G Love says (sort of): "My babies' got sauce, your baby ain't sweet like mine." So sing it, babies, and let's begin.

We have Confirmed What We Secretly Suspected this season, which is that Chantally Lace is All Worlds of Fake on top. How do we know this? Because Chantally Lace has invented her own tube top that is magically staying in place on the speed boat to Anguilla. And if They Were Real, then she would have given Broke Back Michelle another black eye, Hammer-Style, with all the tossing about on the waves. Except that we almost don't care because our brain is now burned by Broke Back, who has apparently just left the ZZ Top concert with a special souvenier: a hot pink shredded t-shirt with wings on the front. We hate this top.

Yes yes so here we are in Anguilla for the last episode before the Wombat meets families, and Chris Harrison wants us all to know that THIS time around, there shall be three individual dates with no roses (oooo) and one group date with a single rose. Skipper Barbie is concerned. As the only girl left who has not ever gotten a 1:1 date, she has some catching up to do. Oh Skipper, we all know you are going home for no other reason than you are not brunette, so do not worry.

And the first date card comes: "Three things I would take to a deserted island: a picnic lunch, champagne, and Dolly Pemily." Ok, so this viewer would bring a knife, but whatever. Dolly Pemily, who the Wombat has just scooped out of the pool in her little coverup, is charmed when a helicopter shows up: "You do too much on our dates!!!" she says. Yes, Dolly, we are all confident that the Wombat had all of these tricks up his very own sleeve. The Wombat, however, is hoping that ABC's grand gestures will help him "take. it. to a. whole. new. level." with Dolly Pemily. He is in luck.
Wombat (to the camera): "This is a. perfect. scenario. for a guy. to. tell. how. he's. feeling."
Wombat (to DP): "So. this is. a. pretty. view. Em."
Dolly Pemily: "Yes."
Wombat (to DP) : "I. could. stay here. all. day."
Dolly Pemily: "Yes. . . . If the sun and moon align, it will work out between us."

Step aside, Jane Austen, there's a new gal in town.

And the bleeding continues:
Wombat: "Tell. me. what. for. you. is your favorite part. of. today."
Dolly Pemily: "Oh. I liked today. "

She also likes soup, and talking and not talking. But gentle readers, Dolly Pemily is worried, as she has never introduced her daughter Ricky to anyone she has dated. And yet, crisis: How can he propose, not having met her daughter? The Wombat makes a Bold Move, promising to give Dolly Pemily a rose at the end of the week so that she can start making the "phone calls" to line things up for the following week. That's right, the Wombat is a "rule breaker."

He has also fallen "very. hard. tonight." As the Wombat and Dolly Pemily wander into the water to kiss/pee, he says that their "kiss is more than just a kiss." Meh.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has come for . . . Shawntel of the Dead!!! "Let's find love on the streets of Anguilla. And also, scurvy." So we made the last part up, but Gentle Readers, S of the D is just excited to focus on "Brad and I's relationship." We secretly hope that Shawntel is not responsible for writing the death announcements in Chico, TX.

Thank god for black people playing the steel drums, to carry us away on the Sea of Burning Rage. As you know (all of you), this viewer hates a steel drum almost as much as the jazz flute. Shawnel of the Dead and the Wombat offer us a montage of Black People Activities such as jump rope and the playing of dominos, and we brace ourselves for the inevitable Chitlin Cook Off. But instead. . . we are presented with Aunt Jemima.

ABe's head just exploded all over the BNU offices/Mus living room.

That's right, babies, ABC has found a Magical Black Person in the streets of Anguilla to advise Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat on their relationship journey. Her name is Aunt Bea, and yes, she does in fact wear a red and white turbin to match her apron, to which her bosoms have seceded. As she blesses the couple, the Wombat is moved to give Aunt Bea a paternalistic hug. We hear a choking sound from the direction of ABe.

Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat beat a hasty retreat to the park, where they eat lunch surrounded by goats. They feel natural around each other, babies. So much that Shawntel proclaims her love (color us shocked). And then. . . *PAFF** we are suddenly in a woodland area, where the Wombat needs to "sit.down. and measure. my feelings." Would that be in metric? We will never find out, because it is dinner, and S of the D is asking if the Wombat respects his mother, and he is excited to talk about his family with her, and there is love being proclaimed and rain and making out and then suddenly "I have. yet. another. surprise. for Shawntel."

My babies, it is Bankie Banx, famous singer in Anguilla and perhaps "the Entire Carribean." And look, he has brought an entourage of ABC extras to stand around awkwardly until he is ready to play, at which point they magically break into smiles an dancing, re-creating the bar scene from Eat. Pray. Love.

As "Bankie" starts his reggae set, we flash back to a reggae concert in our college days. It was there, my darlings, that this viewer spied her English Literature professor outside her native habitat, blinking doe-like in the lights and swaying awkwardly with a group of similarly lost professorial types. Which made us feel our own interminable bouncing and the oldness in our joints, even at age 19. We carry this memory with us, babies, lest we forget that Reggae Hurts. And also, that we will Not Be Seen In the Same Light if we take our pasty ass to a concert in which we might run into Young People That We Know.

The date ends with Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat stripping down into their swimwear and their "his and hers" tramp stamps, to embrace in the water. It is at this point that ABE suggests that we stop watching the Bachelor and just blog our own made-up season. Ooooo, intriguing.

So Date Card #3 is upon us: "Let's set sail on a sea of love," and surprise, it is for the Skipper. Broke Back hopes that her "ship will go down." Which is perhaps why Skipper has decided to festoon herself in a neon orange/pink jacket with those hated mesh shoulder panels. We hate this jacket even more than Broke Back's ZZ top, and so we are glad when the Wombat announces that they will be swimming out to . . . .a yacht!!! Which they will take to a Local Spot, where the Wombat can throw Skipper off some rocks.

As the Skipper struggles up a rock in her swimsuit to jump "for the sake of the relationship," we feel bad for her Utterly Buttless ways and the fact that she must spend an entire date in a bikini on national television. "I cannot imagine doing that in a string bikini," says KMu. "Or anything in a string bikini." Mama don't need to wear no basketball hoop past the age of 30.

Skipper flings herself to her death, which we can barely see, as she has turned sideways now and we are old and blind. The Wombat is proud of her for jumping, but he is troubled because he is in the Most Romantic Place Ever, and yet does not feel like "grabbing her and kissing her." Well, we would not want to grab a pile of bones either unless our name was Hansel and we want to fool the Wicked Witch. In the end, and after an incredibly awkward dinner (to which Skipper has not helped her cause by wearing a slip), the Wombat gives her the heave-ho. You see, after the Wombat was "crucified" for "stringing girls along" on Wombat Season 1, he does not want to do that to the Skipper. "Do you think that's how he got that cross on his back?" wonders KMu.

We feel bad for the Skipper, who is actually very nice, as she wanders back to the ladies' villa by herself and has to pack in front of all the other secretly delighted contestants.

Thank god it is the final group date (as we are hungry and also late for work). The Wombat wakes the Dentist, Broke Back, and Chantally Lace at midnight for their Big Surprise: They will be posing in the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Magazine, out today! "Thousands of women dream of doing this," proclaims the Wombat. "No," corrects KMU, "thousands of men dream of women dreaming about doing this." Confirming this sentiment, Chantally Lace says, "I feel like a fat lard. I wish I hadn't eaten for the last couple days."

Let us summarize. The Dentist uses conch shells in lieu of a bikini top. Chantally Lace cries and "does not feel sexy." Chantally Lace then takes her top off and is chased around the screen by a little black editing box for the next five minutes. Chantally Lace cries. Broke Back, not wanting to be outdone, declares that she is "not the kind of girl" to also remove her top (no doubt she does not want to display her scars), but that she IS the sort of girl to roll around in the sand licking the Wombat's face. Chantally Lace cries. The entire group then goes to a "pool party" where the women get drunk and Chantally Lace cries, before showing the world the vertical back tat of Chinese text that she wisely placed directly above her crack. Or, as KMu calls it, her "fortune cookie." The Wombat is traumatized, Chantally Lace cries and storms off. The end. Oh, and the Dentist gets the rose on this date (making Chantally Lace cry).

We no longer care who wins this thing. Chantally Lace, you have Defeated Us. ABe suggests that the Wombat send her home for being a lame ass.

Thank god we don't have to wait any longer, because the Rose Ceremony is Upon us. And gentle readers, the Wombat doesn't need a cocktail party to make up his mind, because he is So Ready to Get This Over With. We are too, because Shawntel of the Dead has shown up in a knee-length t-shirt with buttons on the front. And Dolly Pemily is wearing our beach towel. And Chantally Lace is wearing go go fringe. And Broke Back is wearing a mu mu with earrings the size of a plate. AND the dentist is wearing a romper pantsuit. Make it end, Wombat. MAKE IT END.

So he picks to join the Dentist:
1. Dolly Pemily
2. Shawntel of the Dead.
3. Chantally Lace.

OH! Broke Back is going Home!!! We are actually glad when BBM won't let the Wombat hold her hand or talk to her, and then lays down silently in the limo to ride off. Thank you, god, for smal favors.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Wombat announces that he Does Not Deal Well With Death.
KLo.