Wombat Part 9: Like the Lion King, Only Better

Babies, there are elephants. Zebras. Lions. That's right, because we are in SOUTH AFRICA!! KMu queries, "I wonder how how long we can spend in an episode shot in South Africa without seeing a black person, because we know how long we can go with episodes shot in America." This viewer thinks she is right, except that ABe has put us in a sugar coma with pumpkin scones and wine, so we are having difficulty. forming. sentences. This should be *just right* for watching the Wombat.


Naturally, Wombat Part 9 must begin with a recap of the ladies, but we are mainly interested in the fact that, while this is happening, the Wombat is also getting on a plane to fly coach to South Africa. And there is a black person! A flight attendant. We draw one line under our People of Color Counter ("POC.C.").


Anyway, kissing Chantally Lace is as "close to perfect" as things can come. FEH. We are over the Chantally Lace. Meanwhile, there is the Dentist. An "accomplished, professional woman," marvels the Wombat. . . "who is still in school," says ABe. We love that we can be a "doctor" on the Bachelor if we have two years of college premed. And last but not least, there is Dolly Pemily, who makes him be a better person. Or as the Wombat tells us: "I, myself, am a better self." Yes, babies, the Bachelor makes us all better versions of our self.


So ABC pulls a little plane on a string, across a map of the world towards Africa. As we hear a screetch of brakes, we are accosted by "HEY-OH!!!!" Ah, the Music Of Africa. And we get the Wombat's book report on the Land He Is Visiting:
"It is very vast land.
Filled with exotic animals.
It is really really cool.
But also a little dangerous."
This is not unlike a certain viewer's First Poem Ever About International Travel, written in the first grade: "Suck your toe, all the way to Mexico." We wonder if the Wombat did just that.


Suddenly, we are at the Lion Sands Lodge, where Chantally Lace is wearing the shortest shorts ever. Listen, CL, you are in the bush. Which does not mean that you show yours. And also, button your top. We have No Words anymore, as the Wombat and Chantally Lace go on a truck safari with two, TWO more black people (oooo, now there are three marks under my POC.C.). Except one has a giant gun, so we have to subtract have a point for Stereotypical Portrayal of a Black Person in a Television Series or Film. During said safari, this is what we hear:
"Wow, this is insane."
"Look how big he is."
"Oh, wow."

We refill our wine and try not to be bored. But then this happens: "Choir Singing in an African Language." WE LOVE CLOSED CAPTIONING. Between the "owl hoots," "insect buzzing" and television interpretation of the Wombat's inarticulate mumblings, Closed Captioning is the Fun New Thing at BNU headquarters.


And then this viewer goes on Overload, because we have just seen two giraffes, which the Wombat has described as "magestic creatures." Babies, we went to the zoo once, to see the giraffes. And as we stood there hand-in-hand with our boyfriend, we also watched the giraffes link legs as if they were People Like Us. There was cooing and sweetness from the mothers and children surrounding us. We took a picture. And then, one giraffe started to pee. And the other giraffe unlinked its hoof from the peeing giraffe, turned around, and DRANK THE PEE. And that, my babies, is why giraffes are not "magestic."


But the Wombat and Chantally Lace are not done yet. Oh no, the Wombat is concluding that a relationship needs to "go through a test, whether fear or danger." So they decide to eat lunch beside two hippos. Sayeth Chantally Lace, "It's really a metaphor for what is going on in our relationship." As long as no one drinks anything, this viewer is cool. But before long, the Wombat is confessing that he is missing her family (which we all know is code for Pining After Her Father), followed by mutual confessions of how this will all be Even More Serious in another week, when he could be proposing to someone.


Dinner is more of the same, except we get the Fantasy Suite card!! "It's like Vegas. What happens in the Fantasy Suite stays in the Fantasy Suite" chatters Chantally Lace. Except not, because the fantasy suite is an open air bedroom with no walls, 20 feet up a tree. We love us some Swiss Family Robinson, but we would secretly worry about malaria (and also, being eaten by a lion) in these circumstances. But CL doesn't want this date to end. We no longer care.


Finally, it is date #2 with Dolly Pemily. Again, what is up with the short shorts and cowboy boots? While unphased by the impropriety of forgetting one's pants in South Africa, Dolly Pemily is immediately anxious that the Wombat leaves her "alone in the wilds" at the beginning of their date. As she stands waiting, we see an elephant rumble towards her. That's right! An ELEPHANT safari!! We had an Elephant Interaction in India, which did not go badly, and so our confidence is high. Not so, Dolly Pemily:
"Oh my lord.
Oh my goodness gracious."
"Oh heavens."
All we can think of is "oh, the chafing," as two more POC scurry around the elephant to lift Dolly Pemily on top for the safari. But Dolly is chafe-free as she marvels that "this is like the Lion King, but better." Yes, and McDonalds is like a farm.


Over lunch, the Wombat confesses that he has "missed your daughter." Oh HELL no. The Wombat has just violated this Viewer's Rule for Harlequinn Romances: No weird names for the main characters ("Stonebrook," "Delicia") and no bringing of children into the story. That's right, this viewer will read about Magic Skirts that Make One Find True Love, but Will Not Read "The Millionare's Secret Baby" or "A Functioning Man to Raise Her Child" And also, don't shoplift the pootie, Wombat.


But Dolly Pemily is charmed, which carries over into dinner, where she has chosen to wear a skintight black sequin "lillypad" (in the words of KMu). Oh! The wombat is "all nervous around" her! Oh! Dolly Pemily "dunno" why! Yet despite all of this, we secretly like Dolly Pemily even more when the Fantasy Suite card comes, and she delicately says:
"I am a mom and would like to set a good example. However, I would also like to take the time with you, to continue on AT THE SAME PACE and to TALK."


Yay, Dolly Pemily! She is awarded the Wombat leading her to the Most Uncomfortable Seat in the Fantasy Suite: a wicker love seat. Never one to be ungraceful, Dolly Pemily awkwardly perches on the edge of the seat, and then confesses that she is falling in love with him.
There is stunned silence.
Followed by, "I. didn't. Expect that. Wow."
More stunned silence.
"I. didn't. expect that. at. all."
MORE stunned silence.
"But. I am. also. falling in. love. with you. Ah. would. not. let you. say that. without out. saying. something. in. return."


"It's like his brain functions by satellite," observes KMu. "What DP says has to transmit up . . . . and then back down to his brain . . . where there is an old, tired hamster on a wheel, trying to keep the whole thing going."


If this is true, then we seriously fear for the heart health of that hamster, as the Wombat heads into date #3 with the Dentist. Again with the short shorts and lack of malaria shots. Off they go on a walk, as the Dentist says she feels like she is "walking back to the carnival" of their first date (undoubtedly because she is walking down a hill on some grass). Suddenly, the Dentist goes all skreetchity when she sees her Biggest Fear In Life: A helicopter!! That's right, the Wombat and she are going to Face Her Fear Together as they take a Helicopter Safari.


After the Wombat convinces the Dentist to take it down an octave, they are off: "I had. no idea how. beautiful. South Africa is. I really didn't. We saw some. very wild, exotic. animals," says he. Seriously?


But this date is not going well. As the helicopter lands in Middle Earth, the Dentist annoints herself with the kiss of death: "Now that I am getting older, I would consider moving back to Maine." Oh sweet Mary and Joseph, child, you're supposed to insert yourself into HIS life after this thing is over. The Wombat doesn't what the Dentist says at all. He peppers her with questions about whether she can "allow herself to live while she achieves" and patronizes her with anecdotes of how his own 20s passed him by because he was working all the time.

Dear Wombat,
This girl just took two months off from her life to go on a t.v. show with the likes of you. We think she knows how to make her own fun.
Love,
KLo.

But it goes even more downhill from there, as the Wombat seriously cannot keep up with the Dentist mentally. He freaks out that she has not mentioned Austin as a place for them to live together. SHe says she's never visited Austin. The Wombat looks alarmed. The Dentist says that if they were going to make a life together, then Austin would be fine, but she would have never thought of it otherwise. The Wombat can't process this and becomes agitated.


This viewer once watched a suitor self-destruct over e-mail. It was fascinating. "I don't think I'm ready to date. . . but maybe I am. . . But I like you . . . Though you are too good for me. . . I can never see you again . . . do you want to go out?" Babies, that is the Wombat's brain at this moment, the Hamster having given up the ghost. We feel almost bad for him, but mostly for the Dentist, who clearly needs someone with the horses to keep up. They take the fantasy suite card to talk more, but it Is Over.


And now the rose ceremony is upon us. We all know what is happening, which makes us wonder why the Dentist chose to wear a rucheted poop-colored dress. Chantally Lace is in the red, and Dolly Pemily has some sort of spandex dress with a blue bustier painted on top of a black t-shirt followed by a grey skirt. Thank God we don't have to look at her too much today.


Immediately, the Wombat takes the Dentist aside. She is heartbroken as he let's her go before handing out any roses. Except, after he finally utters the words, she pops up cheerfully and says she's "not going to beg you to change your mind." YAY Dentist!!! So then the Wombat self-destructs again because he secretly was hoping that she would convince him that he made the right decision. He begs her to tell him "what's wrong" (are you freaking kidding us?) and insists on a hug. We give mad props to the Dentist for being polite.


As the Dentist drives off into the sunset and the Wombat returns to the rose ceremony, Chantally Lace whispers excitedly to Dolly Pemily that she doesn't see the Dentist. Dolly Pemily is too well-bred to respond. But the Wombat, having received no pat on the head from the Dentist, needs to now be reassured by the remaining women that he's still "got it." So he gives roses to Chantally Lace and Dolly Pemily anyway, and announces that he's looking forward to taking them to "One Of The Most Exciting Cities in the World," Cape Town.

But we must wait to find out how that goes, for next week is the Women Tell All.


KLo