Dolly Pemily Part 6: Hulk's Last Stand
Babies, we are in Dubrovnik, Croatia. Okay, WE are not in Croatia (we, specifically, are on our sofa with ABe, KMu's dog, our husband (reading the news), and some bad wine. Mazel tov.), but DOLLY PEMILY is. And Sister is dragging her little suitcase up a huge flight of stairs. We cry "bullshit" that DP would only pack one turquoise little bag, as it is exactly one half the size of the makeup caboodle we at the BNU witnessed in DP Part One, but we understand ABC's desire to make her look Low Maintenance. This week, for The Dolly, is about figuring out the relationships which she "has no clue about." And what better way to do that than two 1:1 dates and a group date!! YAY!!
But suddenly, there is a bagpipe playing an Irish tune as the camera sweeps over the walls of Dubrovnik. So, this viewer once went on a date with a bagpiper. We went for Chinese food and did not talk. Which was almost as confusing and awkward as Irish music in Croatia. Nonetheless, this viewer carries a tendre for a bagpipe. ABe, unfortunately, is not similarly moved: "Better than an African childrens' choir singing African childrens' choir music," mutters Abe into her cups.
Blah blah here comes DP in some silver spangled off the shoulder "top" thingy to meet the men and deliver the first date card. It's for Travis w/o the egg! "Let's look for love beyond these walls."
So we don't like Travis. He reminds us forcibly of the Original Crush Boy for this Viewer, not by looks (for the OCB looked like the white Jesus and wore a red silk scrunchy in his flowing locks), but by voice. Specifically, when this viewer was 18 we Saw Him: the OCB, walking his gangly self across our college campus and, quite simply, We Fell In Love. This continued for some time, undaunted by the OCB's apparent (from a distance) unwashed state and his nickname, which we subsequently learned to be "Krispy Kreme."
One day, this viewer rounded the corner to remove laundry from the quad and There He Was, our OCB. In the flesh. Sitting right there. Outside the washer and dryer tuning his guitar. We pressed our fevered brow and calmly tried not to swoon.. . . And then he spoke, and our beloved, our very first OCB, sounded like GOMER PYLE: "Goooolly, what'r these people puttin' on the MTV!!" And just like that, It Was Over.
So here we are with Travis, in his pink shirt and voice that continually sounds like it is on the verge of cracking and/or that he is swallowing a baby chicken whole, and we are Not Happy. We are even less happy when we learn that their date will be "walking around" with a guidebook and buying cheap and ugly crap from street vendors that look suspiciously like Chris Harrison in a fake beard and spraytan. Which only means that we have to hear Travis talk more and more and more.
But it gets worse, for DP has led Travis to the "balancing stone." Legend has it, according to DP, that if you can stand on the stone AND remove a jacket or shirt, you will be "lucky in love." After about 20 attempts, Travis manages to balance on the rock, but never strips. DP is disappointed, but we are secretly releaved. Here is our thing (All of Us): there is no chemistry between DP and the Trav. And no amount of being led into Secret Chambers with 1,000 Burning Candles and a Dinner Table Dressed Up Like a Church Offertory is going to change this fact. As Travis unburdens his soul to D of the P about how he was "scared to never feel this way again" since breaking off his engagement 2 years ago, and how she is "amazing," we see the look on DP's face and know she is Not Feeling It either. "I could be making out with Hot Wheels right now," projects ABe. And just like that, Travis does NOT get the rose.
During this epically uninteresting date, Date Card #2 arrives for John, Dong, Sean, Jef(f), CorpChris, and Hot Wheels. "Lasting Love requires Bravery," it says. Ooo, fight to the death!!!! Hulk is peacocking about the suite, as this means he gets the last 1:1 date this week. We almost don't hear him over ABE: "Is that shirt from International Male??!?!?!?!?" she screams.
And gentle readers, It Is True. Hulk has festooned himself with one of those tanktops most popularly worn by male dancers, and most prolifically worn by the mailing list for International Male catalog. We love us some International Male, which is possibly the best source of cut-and-paste material In The Universe. Hulk queens that he can "jump into a romantic relationship with me" any time, as he is "so confident." If Hulk would jump into a dance belt instead, our rapture would be complete.
But no, we don't get any more of Hulk because here is Dolly Pemily, waiting for her group date people in a necklace suspiciously like a bolo tie. And not in a cool way. After a shameless plug for the Pixar movie "Brave," (which this viewer is totally going to watch, let's be clear), DP announces that the men will be changing into muscle tank tops, kilts, knee socks, and hospital shoes, in order to compete in. . . gaaaames. Jef(f) should be right at home.
As the men are changing clothes and beginning their Walk of Shame to the donkies they must ride through Dubrovnik, the following thoughts go through this viewer's head: "Wow, look at DP's legs. She has the skinniest legs ever. They do not touch in the middle. Bitch. I wish my legs did not touch in the middle, as it is Excessively Uncomfortable. Wait a minute, my pants are on backwards." Yes, babies, this viewer's pants had been on backwards for exactly 4 hours at this point, of which possibly all of our neighbors were now aware from our Very Public Walk with KMu's Dog this evening. Sigh.
Ok, so we have an archery competition in which CorpChris swears he only "shot a boner once in my life." (and that is what ABe and MCo heard also, so we are Not Making This Up). Then the men throw a log in the air, during which Sean actually BREAKS his wood (hahahah) because he is "so strong." According to DP, this is "super hot." We are utterly unmoved. ABe giggles softly into her glass. Finally, the men have to sit across from each other and pull on a log they are both holding until one of them topples over. Sean wins this because he is a big blonde muscle, and also flexible.
But according to DP, she doesn't care about such things. Rather, she cares about how *awesome* CorpChris' attitude was even though he was an Epic Fail at everything . .. and so, babies, he gets a silver cup for being the "bravest man in the land" and a puckered up little kiss from DP.
"We call that a chicken ass in french," says this viewer's husband. We cannot WAIT to learn the frenches.
At the post-group date after-party on a rooftop, we hate Dolly Pemily's dress. it is black, full on sequins, with a little tie across the otherwise entirely open back. All she needs is a top hat and she would be a dancing peanut. Various 1:1 times ensue, including with Sean, who swears like Travis that he hasn't had these feelings in a "really long time." We wish that people under the age of 30 would not utter such Stuff. 1:1 time with Hot Wheels includes him mashing her up against a wall for passionate kisses, which we are thankful Do Not Suck. And finally, 1:1 time with Jef(f) who is his usual sweet, slightly analytical and entirely too passive for DP's taste's. Confusingly, CorpChris gets the rose on this date, which makes no sense to those of us at the BNU, but whatever.
What we are more interested in is Hulk prepping for his date with Dolly Pemily. Babies, this man shaves his legs and PLUCKS HIS FINGER HAIRS. The very thought makes this viewers hands hurt. We do not understand the Popular Obsession with Hairlessness, which can only lead to all manner of Ingrown and Scratchy Trauma. We *think* his card said something about the world being an oaster, because when DP comes to pick him up, he goes on for about 15 minutes about how "the world's our oaster and you are the pearl." We are not surprised that the rest of our fair contestants were gripping their chairs trying not to laugh.
Ok, so the Hulk drives their little rental car like a grandmother (or also, like this Viewer), confidently telling DP that he is a "very safe driver. You may not feel safe, but I do not get into accidents" as other drivers stream past honking their horns. He then proceeds to rub his nose in it by talking about the "beautiful view" while looking at DP, and devoutly noting that he loves just "her and I hanging out" and that "this may be the woman that god has. You know. Chosen for me." He was hoping they could make good "companions" to each other. He knows he wants a good woman, and so he has tried his very best to be a "good man." He hopes to feel that his wife will be a "trophy" to him. Finally, babies, he wore his turquoise shoes just for DP, because he knows how much she likes the color.
There is only one man in this world to whom turquoise shoes are linked. And that man is Elvis Presley.
Ooooh, tears would be streaming down this viewers face if we were in DP's shoes, but she handles it with far more grace than we will ever possess. We heart DP for pointing out that "trophys don't talk back" and for spitting out an oaster with the conclusion "this ain't exactly gettin' me in the mood."
Finally, it is dinner. We hate, for perhaps the 10th time, Dolly Pemily's outfit which is a World of One-Shoulder No, consisting of gold and less-gold ribbons poorly sewn together into an ill-fitting and starchy toga. But what we hate more is the Hulk's List of Qualities He is Hoping for in a wife, which include:
1. Loyal.
2. Logical - not overly emotional.
3. Encourager -- always lifting him up, never criticising him.
4. Faithful.
5. Nurturer.
6. Someone people are drawn to.
7. Unselfish.
8. Beautiful.
9. Sexy personality.
Okay, so basically the Hulk just described a dog. Dolly Pemily is not impressed. And. . . after deliberation, does not give him the rose!!!! We are out of our seats!! We are high fiving!!! ABe, momentarily diverted by our mutual love of Nelson circa 1990s, has stopped singing 'I can'tlive without your, love and affection. . . .I can't spend another night on my own!!!"
But the Hulk is not done. Oh no. He sniffs and, in this viewers mind, says "oh HELL no, b*tch," and then says somewhat masterfully: "That was very shocking. I did not feel it coming. The potential for growth is there, and YOU're making a bit of a wrong choice because I probably am right for you. . . " But, after he interrupts her trying to speak multiple times to continue leveling pressure on her shoulders, she finally says no, this is final, and go home. We did not think she Had the Ovaries to stand firm, but are very glad to see that she did.
As Hulk goes away in his limo and ugly ugly shoes, he notes that the thing about Great Men is that when Something causes them to Break Down, the Get Back Up. He only hopes that he is "portrated as he really is" on this show and in his departure, and not as an "arrogant ass." Oh darling, YOU will never see it, but we do.
After DP goes home and the remaining men celebrate Hulk's departure, Hot Wheels sneaks over to Dolly Pemily's house to check on her. We don't like it when people don't play by the rules of the game, and especially because DP gives Hot Wheels the rose that was meant for Hulk telling her that "no one is ever going to know you were here." Yes yes, Hot Wheels, these were NOT the droids you were looking for.
At last, we are at the rose ceremony, and only mildly surprised that Jef(f) is wearing pants. But what we don't like -- even more than all Previous Outfits, is the stucco dress that Dolly Pemily is weraing, with shoulder pads and shiny bits. We do not know what happened to The Dolly this episode, but she has really gone off the reservation into a world of glitter and Christmas Tree Tinsel. And also, did we mention that this particular dress has a GIANT BAR across the back in order to hide a bra? ABe speaks for all of us: "That is an awful, awful dress."
So after some 1:1 times in which DP bonds with Data over the fact that they both keep the funeral cards for various people in their wallets while wrapped in THE KITTY, making its first appearance on season DP, and after still more 1:1 time with Dong, who still does not kiss The Dolly, she picks:
(joining CorpChris with a rose):
1. Sean,
2. Jef(f)
3. Hot Wheels
aaaaand. . .. instead of giving the last rose to either Dong or Data, she asks Chris Harrison for an extra rose and doesn't send anyone home!!
Stay tuned for next week, when DP is en fuego because she learns Hot Wheels used to date a producer.
-KLo
But suddenly, there is a bagpipe playing an Irish tune as the camera sweeps over the walls of Dubrovnik. So, this viewer once went on a date with a bagpiper. We went for Chinese food and did not talk. Which was almost as confusing and awkward as Irish music in Croatia. Nonetheless, this viewer carries a tendre for a bagpipe. ABe, unfortunately, is not similarly moved: "Better than an African childrens' choir singing African childrens' choir music," mutters Abe into her cups.
Blah blah here comes DP in some silver spangled off the shoulder "top" thingy to meet the men and deliver the first date card. It's for Travis w/o the egg! "Let's look for love beyond these walls."
So we don't like Travis. He reminds us forcibly of the Original Crush Boy for this Viewer, not by looks (for the OCB looked like the white Jesus and wore a red silk scrunchy in his flowing locks), but by voice. Specifically, when this viewer was 18 we Saw Him: the OCB, walking his gangly self across our college campus and, quite simply, We Fell In Love. This continued for some time, undaunted by the OCB's apparent (from a distance) unwashed state and his nickname, which we subsequently learned to be "Krispy Kreme."
One day, this viewer rounded the corner to remove laundry from the quad and There He Was, our OCB. In the flesh. Sitting right there. Outside the washer and dryer tuning his guitar. We pressed our fevered brow and calmly tried not to swoon.. . . And then he spoke, and our beloved, our very first OCB, sounded like GOMER PYLE: "Goooolly, what'r these people puttin' on the MTV!!" And just like that, It Was Over.
So here we are with Travis, in his pink shirt and voice that continually sounds like it is on the verge of cracking and/or that he is swallowing a baby chicken whole, and we are Not Happy. We are even less happy when we learn that their date will be "walking around" with a guidebook and buying cheap and ugly crap from street vendors that look suspiciously like Chris Harrison in a fake beard and spraytan. Which only means that we have to hear Travis talk more and more and more.
But it gets worse, for DP has led Travis to the "balancing stone." Legend has it, according to DP, that if you can stand on the stone AND remove a jacket or shirt, you will be "lucky in love." After about 20 attempts, Travis manages to balance on the rock, but never strips. DP is disappointed, but we are secretly releaved. Here is our thing (All of Us): there is no chemistry between DP and the Trav. And no amount of being led into Secret Chambers with 1,000 Burning Candles and a Dinner Table Dressed Up Like a Church Offertory is going to change this fact. As Travis unburdens his soul to D of the P about how he was "scared to never feel this way again" since breaking off his engagement 2 years ago, and how she is "amazing," we see the look on DP's face and know she is Not Feeling It either. "I could be making out with Hot Wheels right now," projects ABe. And just like that, Travis does NOT get the rose.
During this epically uninteresting date, Date Card #2 arrives for John, Dong, Sean, Jef(f), CorpChris, and Hot Wheels. "Lasting Love requires Bravery," it says. Ooo, fight to the death!!!! Hulk is peacocking about the suite, as this means he gets the last 1:1 date this week. We almost don't hear him over ABE: "Is that shirt from International Male??!?!?!?!?" she screams.
And gentle readers, It Is True. Hulk has festooned himself with one of those tanktops most popularly worn by male dancers, and most prolifically worn by the mailing list for International Male catalog. We love us some International Male, which is possibly the best source of cut-and-paste material In The Universe. Hulk queens that he can "jump into a romantic relationship with me" any time, as he is "so confident." If Hulk would jump into a dance belt instead, our rapture would be complete.
But no, we don't get any more of Hulk because here is Dolly Pemily, waiting for her group date people in a necklace suspiciously like a bolo tie. And not in a cool way. After a shameless plug for the Pixar movie "Brave," (which this viewer is totally going to watch, let's be clear), DP announces that the men will be changing into muscle tank tops, kilts, knee socks, and hospital shoes, in order to compete in. . . gaaaames. Jef(f) should be right at home.
As the men are changing clothes and beginning their Walk of Shame to the donkies they must ride through Dubrovnik, the following thoughts go through this viewer's head: "Wow, look at DP's legs. She has the skinniest legs ever. They do not touch in the middle. Bitch. I wish my legs did not touch in the middle, as it is Excessively Uncomfortable. Wait a minute, my pants are on backwards." Yes, babies, this viewer's pants had been on backwards for exactly 4 hours at this point, of which possibly all of our neighbors were now aware from our Very Public Walk with KMu's Dog this evening. Sigh.
Ok, so we have an archery competition in which CorpChris swears he only "shot a boner once in my life." (and that is what ABe and MCo heard also, so we are Not Making This Up). Then the men throw a log in the air, during which Sean actually BREAKS his wood (hahahah) because he is "so strong." According to DP, this is "super hot." We are utterly unmoved. ABe giggles softly into her glass. Finally, the men have to sit across from each other and pull on a log they are both holding until one of them topples over. Sean wins this because he is a big blonde muscle, and also flexible.
But according to DP, she doesn't care about such things. Rather, she cares about how *awesome* CorpChris' attitude was even though he was an Epic Fail at everything . .. and so, babies, he gets a silver cup for being the "bravest man in the land" and a puckered up little kiss from DP.
"We call that a chicken ass in french," says this viewer's husband. We cannot WAIT to learn the frenches.
At the post-group date after-party on a rooftop, we hate Dolly Pemily's dress. it is black, full on sequins, with a little tie across the otherwise entirely open back. All she needs is a top hat and she would be a dancing peanut. Various 1:1 times ensue, including with Sean, who swears like Travis that he hasn't had these feelings in a "really long time." We wish that people under the age of 30 would not utter such Stuff. 1:1 time with Hot Wheels includes him mashing her up against a wall for passionate kisses, which we are thankful Do Not Suck. And finally, 1:1 time with Jef(f) who is his usual sweet, slightly analytical and entirely too passive for DP's taste's. Confusingly, CorpChris gets the rose on this date, which makes no sense to those of us at the BNU, but whatever.
What we are more interested in is Hulk prepping for his date with Dolly Pemily. Babies, this man shaves his legs and PLUCKS HIS FINGER HAIRS. The very thought makes this viewers hands hurt. We do not understand the Popular Obsession with Hairlessness, which can only lead to all manner of Ingrown and Scratchy Trauma. We *think* his card said something about the world being an oaster, because when DP comes to pick him up, he goes on for about 15 minutes about how "the world's our oaster and you are the pearl." We are not surprised that the rest of our fair contestants were gripping their chairs trying not to laugh.
Ok, so the Hulk drives their little rental car like a grandmother (or also, like this Viewer), confidently telling DP that he is a "very safe driver. You may not feel safe, but I do not get into accidents" as other drivers stream past honking their horns. He then proceeds to rub his nose in it by talking about the "beautiful view" while looking at DP, and devoutly noting that he loves just "her and I hanging out" and that "this may be the woman that god has. You know. Chosen for me." He was hoping they could make good "companions" to each other. He knows he wants a good woman, and so he has tried his very best to be a "good man." He hopes to feel that his wife will be a "trophy" to him. Finally, babies, he wore his turquoise shoes just for DP, because he knows how much she likes the color.
There is only one man in this world to whom turquoise shoes are linked. And that man is Elvis Presley.
Ooooh, tears would be streaming down this viewers face if we were in DP's shoes, but she handles it with far more grace than we will ever possess. We heart DP for pointing out that "trophys don't talk back" and for spitting out an oaster with the conclusion "this ain't exactly gettin' me in the mood."
Finally, it is dinner. We hate, for perhaps the 10th time, Dolly Pemily's outfit which is a World of One-Shoulder No, consisting of gold and less-gold ribbons poorly sewn together into an ill-fitting and starchy toga. But what we hate more is the Hulk's List of Qualities He is Hoping for in a wife, which include:
1. Loyal.
2. Logical - not overly emotional.
3. Encourager -- always lifting him up, never criticising him.
4. Faithful.
5. Nurturer.
6. Someone people are drawn to.
7. Unselfish.
8. Beautiful.
9. Sexy personality.
Okay, so basically the Hulk just described a dog. Dolly Pemily is not impressed. And. . . after deliberation, does not give him the rose!!!! We are out of our seats!! We are high fiving!!! ABe, momentarily diverted by our mutual love of Nelson circa 1990s, has stopped singing 'I can'tlive without your, love and affection. . . .I can't spend another night on my own!!!"
But the Hulk is not done. Oh no. He sniffs and, in this viewers mind, says "oh HELL no, b*tch," and then says somewhat masterfully: "That was very shocking. I did not feel it coming. The potential for growth is there, and YOU're making a bit of a wrong choice because I probably am right for you. . . " But, after he interrupts her trying to speak multiple times to continue leveling pressure on her shoulders, she finally says no, this is final, and go home. We did not think she Had the Ovaries to stand firm, but are very glad to see that she did.
As Hulk goes away in his limo and ugly ugly shoes, he notes that the thing about Great Men is that when Something causes them to Break Down, the Get Back Up. He only hopes that he is "portrated as he really is" on this show and in his departure, and not as an "arrogant ass." Oh darling, YOU will never see it, but we do.
After DP goes home and the remaining men celebrate Hulk's departure, Hot Wheels sneaks over to Dolly Pemily's house to check on her. We don't like it when people don't play by the rules of the game, and especially because DP gives Hot Wheels the rose that was meant for Hulk telling her that "no one is ever going to know you were here." Yes yes, Hot Wheels, these were NOT the droids you were looking for.
At last, we are at the rose ceremony, and only mildly surprised that Jef(f) is wearing pants. But what we don't like -- even more than all Previous Outfits, is the stucco dress that Dolly Pemily is weraing, with shoulder pads and shiny bits. We do not know what happened to The Dolly this episode, but she has really gone off the reservation into a world of glitter and Christmas Tree Tinsel. And also, did we mention that this particular dress has a GIANT BAR across the back in order to hide a bra? ABe speaks for all of us: "That is an awful, awful dress."
So after some 1:1 times in which DP bonds with Data over the fact that they both keep the funeral cards for various people in their wallets while wrapped in THE KITTY, making its first appearance on season DP, and after still more 1:1 time with Dong, who still does not kiss The Dolly, she picks:
(joining CorpChris with a rose):
1. Sean,
2. Jef(f)
3. Hot Wheels
aaaaand. . .. instead of giving the last rose to either Dong or Data, she asks Chris Harrison for an extra rose and doesn't send anyone home!!
Stay tuned for next week, when DP is en fuego because she learns Hot Wheels used to date a producer.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 7:48 AM
1 Comments:
Okay, call me crazy, but I would actually watch a season with Hulk as the bachelor. I think it would be perfect karma if Hulk ended up picking someone exactly like Vienna from the El Piloto season. I'm going to miss Hulk. Now I can't see anyone beating HWheels.
As usual, great blog. I now know the meaning of "tendre"....yes, I looked it up!
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