Dolly Pemily Part 2: Let's Hit It
So DP Part 2 begins with Ricky and friends playing in the park, as the Pemily receives sage advice from the friends' mothers to just "be yourself." We don't really hear this, as we are so excited that Dolly Pemily has an Indian friend. We thank her for being subversive of ABC in her own quiet way. Spoiler: we start to like Dolly Pemily more by the end of this episode.
Meanwhile, back at the Chez Abs, our host is explaining the rules of the game to the men. Blah blah 1:1 Sudden Death dates, blah blah group dates. As we scan the crowd, we realize that if Dolly Pemily has a Type, that Type includes ridiculous hair. At any rate, Chris Harrison deposits date card #1 on a table and scuttles into the shrubs. "This just got real," says one dude. COME ON. (everybody drink). Corporate Chris hopes the card is for him, but alas, the card is for Ryan with all his mossy mossy hair. We secretly think Ryan looks like the Incredible Hulk, except taupe.
Oh, this is going to be good, for Taupe Hulk has just uttered the words "pastor" and "queen." That's right, babies. The date card says " Be my king in Queen City." Yay, we are all going to Boys Town!!!! And T. Hulk is pumped, for he "likens this to a football game in which he never expects to lose." Lo, for his "pastor always said that if you treat a woman like a Queen, she will treat you like a King." So basically, what this viewer is hearing is that Hulk is going to feed Dolly Pemily jello shots from his bellybutton while she performs Culture Club's rendition of "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" in a wig and high heels. We just had a seizure.
As Hulk changes from a thin black t-shirt to a thin blue one, the boys play at the pool. We are not exactly sure what manflesh belongs to what man, as ABC has chosen to film only from the neck down. . . Until DP shows up in jeans and a top mercifully covering BOTH of her shoulders to pick up the Hulk. He asks if he can take her hand, and we give him points for gentlemanlyness.
So Our Taupeness dreams of jumping out of helicopters and is somewhat deflated to learn that they are going ot DP's house to make cookies for a bunch of soccer girls, including Little Ricky. As she tells him that he will be helping her get groceries out of the car, his face freezes. As she puts him in an apron, he expresses concern for his manliness. And while all of this is lighthearted, we conclude that We Don't Like The Hulk (all of us). He generally says everything right, except that we can't help but feel that if she Challenge His Authority down the road, he will go off about how God appointed man the head of the family. And if that is one's Thing, then okay, but we don't really think it's Dolly Pemily's. Exhibit A: The Wombat.
After concluding that making cookies is "romantic," Dolly Pemily makes the Hulk sit in the car as she brings the cookies to Little Ricky. Basically, she doesn't want Hulk to meet Ricky, but she will allow him to stalk her from a car parked a discrete distance away. [Back at the ranch, Dong speculates that DP will not allow anyone to meet Ricky until the very end. We heart Dong, despite that sounding dirty.].
We love Dolly Pemily for saying Hulk's next task will be to wrangle a bunch of 6 year olds cracked out on sugar at Chuckie Cheese, but unfortunately, it is actually to go to dinner. She, in a red lace minidress with one arm, and he driving the fancy car while chewing gum with his mouth open. Gentle readers, he tells DP over wine that he has had two girlfriends who "meant something," yet he likes the chase. DP asks what happens when he's caught her, and he changes the topic to whether she will allow a man into her life. Dolly Pemily's deposition skills are seriously rusty as she allows him to lead her off-topic. Blah blah she's most beautiful in the kitchen (yeah, he said it), blah blah they end the evening dancing on a pedestal in front of a raging crowd to a song that has "kissssss" as every second word. "Let's Hit It," she says. Remarkably, they don't. Even more remarkably, he can dance.
The Hulk earns another point for the dancing. This viewer actually had a dream last night about doing improv dance again, which we clearly Could Not Do as we could not get off the floor if we were to sit on it. Yet our dream partner was the second place winner from American Ninja Warrior (West Coast Division) (Season Four) and not the Hulk. True Story.
Anyway, Hulk gets the rose. Somewhere along the way, DP says he reminds her of the Wombat. RUN, Dolly, RUN.
So the second date card arrives, for, we think, thirteen men, including Charlie, Latin (Alejannndro) and Other Latin (Alessandro), Nate, Tony the lumber trader (a/k/a Mr. Wood), Pretty Michael, Jef(f), Corporate Chris, John, Kyle, Eric, Kalon, and Ducky from Pretty in Pink (a/k/a/ Steve). "Let's set the stage for life" it reads. "J'adore le stage," murmurs Kalon/Colon. We think he looks like a banana pancake. And not in a good way.
Turns out, this group is going to be doing a little Muppets Take Charlotte to support Dolly's dead husband's charity at the local hospital. So when this viewer was little, we did a variety show every summer with our cousins, appropriately called "The Show." And, we have very fond memories of our sister, ERo, age 4, in a hooded sweater and tutu playing the part of The Chicken to our very own Swedish Chef. So we are somewhat dismayed to see that Miss Piggy and Kermit have Destroyed All Our Happiness by appearing on the Bachelorette. Smut and puppets don't mix in healthy ways, babies. Just ask Japan.
Suddenly we are sidetracked. There is a woman teaching a group how to dance. WE COULD BE THAT WOMAN. We restart our campaign to appear on the Bachelor frachise in some Menial Role. Otherwise, the main thing that we get out of this date is that Dolly Pemily's mother, who is sitting in the audience with Ricky, looks like she is 35 years old. That woman must bathe in blood. As we ponder how some people can be so Well Preserved, Charlie is terrified about speaking in public because he is still recovering his speech after falling 15 stories, Ducky dances with Miss Piggy while Dolly Pemily tepidly shakes one hip, Jef(f) charmingly proposes to Miss Piggy, there is some Mercifully Brief stand-up comedy, and then . . . Chris Harrison destroys ALL OUR HAPPINESS once again by becoming Statler to the real life Waldorf, making bad jokes from the stage. We are distraught. Babies, they even ruined The Rainbow Connection.
We are extremely upset by the end of this date, and barely pay attention to it's "Now We're On a RoofTop Bar So We All Can Drink" conclusion. Dolly is wearing another black lace see-through ensemble (which Mr. Wood loves), Corporate Chris feels he has meaningful 1:1 time with DP (meh), Jef(f) has better 1:1 time with her (meh meh), and Ducky takes Dolly into the world of middle school dances during his 1:1 time. Yes, babies, in the words of Tracy Jordan, he loves the Bachelorette so much he wants to take her back behind the middle school and get her pregnant. Meanwhile, Colon uses his brief conversation with Dolly to talk about how, back home in Texas, things are "great with" the ladies and we vomit a little in our mouths. Ducky also takes umbrage, picking a little verbal fight with the Colon.
In the end, Jef(f) gets the rose. While he has truly horrible hipster hair, we think this is reasonable.
The final date is with Joe Van Der Beek at Somewhere In Time Hotel. We know he is going home when he receives the date card ("Come close to my heart") wearing a turquoise and pink plaid shirt. This viewer once inherited pink and turquoise argyle socks from our other sister, SHa, who had deemed them Too Ugly to Grace Her Sixth Grade Feet. We wore those socks into the ground, and then for good measure recycled them into a watch band. Even the cross-eyed boy who sat beside us in class decided not to have a crush on us that year. So, we know that Joe VDB is doomed.
Sure enough, and despite Dolly Pemily's best attempt to be a Fairy Princess in a pink and no doubt very sweaty heavy dress, conversation with Mr Beek is meaningless, at best. What will he be doing in five years, babies? Hopefully having "no regrets." We snort, and think about the Pink and Turquoise Monstrosity he wore earlier in the day. While Dolly Pemily again gamely says "let's hit it," we know, alas, that she will not. Dolly Pemily then takes him to the Love Clock, which is apparently the South's version of the Wailing Wall, into which people press fervently scribbled papers containing their hopes and dreams with their new love. And, after reading his hope that he will be with her, Dolly Pemily axes him. He drives off into the sunset. Fireworks explode above.
The most interesting part about all of this is what is not happening on the date. Colon is in the hot tub, skulking about Dolly Pemily putting her life as a mother on hold to go on this show, and Dong bites his head off. Dong says that every day he is a dad, and the only reason he is even here, now, is that his 12 year old son finally told him "You know how you are always telling me to try new things? I think you need to do this for yourself." Oh!! We love Dong and his son!!
One more hard edit later, and Dolly Pemily's mother is helping her to step into a horrible purple dress. Dolly arrives at the rose ceremony. "Hey every. body." she says before Chris Harrison whisks her away, and she comes back out to pick (joining Jef(f) and the Hulk):
1. Colon. WTF.
2. Hot Wheels
3. Pretty Michael
4. Nate (who is this?)
5. Sean. We think he sells insurance.
6. Corporate Chris.
7. Dong. YAY.
8. Travis. (again, who is this?)
9. Mr. Wood.
10. John the Data Destruction Dude.
11. Latin
12. Other Latin.
13. Charlie, and . .
14. Ducky.
Wow, the biology teacher who hoped he "had chemistry with" Dolly Pemily apparently did not. And also, neither did Kyle the financial guy who we don't know at all.
Stay tuned for next week, when there are roller coasters, tears, and Real life Dolly Parton. But rmember, babies, this Viewer will be in Italy for the next two weeks. We *May* be able to blog during our absence, but if not, we shall catch up when we return . ..
Arrivaderci, babies. 'Til June 11.
KLo.
Meanwhile, back at the Chez Abs, our host is explaining the rules of the game to the men. Blah blah 1:1 Sudden Death dates, blah blah group dates. As we scan the crowd, we realize that if Dolly Pemily has a Type, that Type includes ridiculous hair. At any rate, Chris Harrison deposits date card #1 on a table and scuttles into the shrubs. "This just got real," says one dude. COME ON. (everybody drink). Corporate Chris hopes the card is for him, but alas, the card is for Ryan with all his mossy mossy hair. We secretly think Ryan looks like the Incredible Hulk, except taupe.
Oh, this is going to be good, for Taupe Hulk has just uttered the words "pastor" and "queen." That's right, babies. The date card says " Be my king in Queen City." Yay, we are all going to Boys Town!!!! And T. Hulk is pumped, for he "likens this to a football game in which he never expects to lose." Lo, for his "pastor always said that if you treat a woman like a Queen, she will treat you like a King." So basically, what this viewer is hearing is that Hulk is going to feed Dolly Pemily jello shots from his bellybutton while she performs Culture Club's rendition of "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" in a wig and high heels. We just had a seizure.
As Hulk changes from a thin black t-shirt to a thin blue one, the boys play at the pool. We are not exactly sure what manflesh belongs to what man, as ABC has chosen to film only from the neck down. . . Until DP shows up in jeans and a top mercifully covering BOTH of her shoulders to pick up the Hulk. He asks if he can take her hand, and we give him points for gentlemanlyness.
So Our Taupeness dreams of jumping out of helicopters and is somewhat deflated to learn that they are going ot DP's house to make cookies for a bunch of soccer girls, including Little Ricky. As she tells him that he will be helping her get groceries out of the car, his face freezes. As she puts him in an apron, he expresses concern for his manliness. And while all of this is lighthearted, we conclude that We Don't Like The Hulk (all of us). He generally says everything right, except that we can't help but feel that if she Challenge His Authority down the road, he will go off about how God appointed man the head of the family. And if that is one's Thing, then okay, but we don't really think it's Dolly Pemily's. Exhibit A: The Wombat.
After concluding that making cookies is "romantic," Dolly Pemily makes the Hulk sit in the car as she brings the cookies to Little Ricky. Basically, she doesn't want Hulk to meet Ricky, but she will allow him to stalk her from a car parked a discrete distance away. [Back at the ranch, Dong speculates that DP will not allow anyone to meet Ricky until the very end. We heart Dong, despite that sounding dirty.].
We love Dolly Pemily for saying Hulk's next task will be to wrangle a bunch of 6 year olds cracked out on sugar at Chuckie Cheese, but unfortunately, it is actually to go to dinner. She, in a red lace minidress with one arm, and he driving the fancy car while chewing gum with his mouth open. Gentle readers, he tells DP over wine that he has had two girlfriends who "meant something," yet he likes the chase. DP asks what happens when he's caught her, and he changes the topic to whether she will allow a man into her life. Dolly Pemily's deposition skills are seriously rusty as she allows him to lead her off-topic. Blah blah she's most beautiful in the kitchen (yeah, he said it), blah blah they end the evening dancing on a pedestal in front of a raging crowd to a song that has "kissssss" as every second word. "Let's Hit It," she says. Remarkably, they don't. Even more remarkably, he can dance.
The Hulk earns another point for the dancing. This viewer actually had a dream last night about doing improv dance again, which we clearly Could Not Do as we could not get off the floor if we were to sit on it. Yet our dream partner was the second place winner from American Ninja Warrior (West Coast Division) (Season Four) and not the Hulk. True Story.
Anyway, Hulk gets the rose. Somewhere along the way, DP says he reminds her of the Wombat. RUN, Dolly, RUN.
So the second date card arrives, for, we think, thirteen men, including Charlie, Latin (Alejannndro) and Other Latin (Alessandro), Nate, Tony the lumber trader (a/k/a Mr. Wood), Pretty Michael, Jef(f), Corporate Chris, John, Kyle, Eric, Kalon, and Ducky from Pretty in Pink (a/k/a/ Steve). "Let's set the stage for life" it reads. "J'adore le stage," murmurs Kalon/Colon. We think he looks like a banana pancake. And not in a good way.
Turns out, this group is going to be doing a little Muppets Take Charlotte to support Dolly's dead husband's charity at the local hospital. So when this viewer was little, we did a variety show every summer with our cousins, appropriately called "The Show." And, we have very fond memories of our sister, ERo, age 4, in a hooded sweater and tutu playing the part of The Chicken to our very own Swedish Chef. So we are somewhat dismayed to see that Miss Piggy and Kermit have Destroyed All Our Happiness by appearing on the Bachelorette. Smut and puppets don't mix in healthy ways, babies. Just ask Japan.
Suddenly we are sidetracked. There is a woman teaching a group how to dance. WE COULD BE THAT WOMAN. We restart our campaign to appear on the Bachelor frachise in some Menial Role. Otherwise, the main thing that we get out of this date is that Dolly Pemily's mother, who is sitting in the audience with Ricky, looks like she is 35 years old. That woman must bathe in blood. As we ponder how some people can be so Well Preserved, Charlie is terrified about speaking in public because he is still recovering his speech after falling 15 stories, Ducky dances with Miss Piggy while Dolly Pemily tepidly shakes one hip, Jef(f) charmingly proposes to Miss Piggy, there is some Mercifully Brief stand-up comedy, and then . . . Chris Harrison destroys ALL OUR HAPPINESS once again by becoming Statler to the real life Waldorf, making bad jokes from the stage. We are distraught. Babies, they even ruined The Rainbow Connection.
We are extremely upset by the end of this date, and barely pay attention to it's "Now We're On a RoofTop Bar So We All Can Drink" conclusion. Dolly is wearing another black lace see-through ensemble (which Mr. Wood loves), Corporate Chris feels he has meaningful 1:1 time with DP (meh), Jef(f) has better 1:1 time with her (meh meh), and Ducky takes Dolly into the world of middle school dances during his 1:1 time. Yes, babies, in the words of Tracy Jordan, he loves the Bachelorette so much he wants to take her back behind the middle school and get her pregnant. Meanwhile, Colon uses his brief conversation with Dolly to talk about how, back home in Texas, things are "great with" the ladies and we vomit a little in our mouths. Ducky also takes umbrage, picking a little verbal fight with the Colon.
In the end, Jef(f) gets the rose. While he has truly horrible hipster hair, we think this is reasonable.
The final date is with Joe Van Der Beek at Somewhere In Time Hotel. We know he is going home when he receives the date card ("Come close to my heart") wearing a turquoise and pink plaid shirt. This viewer once inherited pink and turquoise argyle socks from our other sister, SHa, who had deemed them Too Ugly to Grace Her Sixth Grade Feet. We wore those socks into the ground, and then for good measure recycled them into a watch band. Even the cross-eyed boy who sat beside us in class decided not to have a crush on us that year. So, we know that Joe VDB is doomed.
Sure enough, and despite Dolly Pemily's best attempt to be a Fairy Princess in a pink and no doubt very sweaty heavy dress, conversation with Mr Beek is meaningless, at best. What will he be doing in five years, babies? Hopefully having "no regrets." We snort, and think about the Pink and Turquoise Monstrosity he wore earlier in the day. While Dolly Pemily again gamely says "let's hit it," we know, alas, that she will not. Dolly Pemily then takes him to the Love Clock, which is apparently the South's version of the Wailing Wall, into which people press fervently scribbled papers containing their hopes and dreams with their new love. And, after reading his hope that he will be with her, Dolly Pemily axes him. He drives off into the sunset. Fireworks explode above.
The most interesting part about all of this is what is not happening on the date. Colon is in the hot tub, skulking about Dolly Pemily putting her life as a mother on hold to go on this show, and Dong bites his head off. Dong says that every day he is a dad, and the only reason he is even here, now, is that his 12 year old son finally told him "You know how you are always telling me to try new things? I think you need to do this for yourself." Oh!! We love Dong and his son!!
One more hard edit later, and Dolly Pemily's mother is helping her to step into a horrible purple dress. Dolly arrives at the rose ceremony. "Hey every. body." she says before Chris Harrison whisks her away, and she comes back out to pick (joining Jef(f) and the Hulk):
1. Colon. WTF.
2. Hot Wheels
3. Pretty Michael
4. Nate (who is this?)
5. Sean. We think he sells insurance.
6. Corporate Chris.
7. Dong. YAY.
8. Travis. (again, who is this?)
9. Mr. Wood.
10. John the Data Destruction Dude.
11. Latin
12. Other Latin.
13. Charlie, and . .
14. Ducky.
Wow, the biology teacher who hoped he "had chemistry with" Dolly Pemily apparently did not. And also, neither did Kyle the financial guy who we don't know at all.
Stay tuned for next week, when there are roller coasters, tears, and Real life Dolly Parton. But rmember, babies, this Viewer will be in Italy for the next two weeks. We *May* be able to blog during our absence, but if not, we shall catch up when we return . ..
Arrivaderci, babies. 'Til June 11.
KLo.
posted by KLo @ 7:29 AM
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