Dolly Pemily Part 3: Makes our Speakers go Boom Boom
Babies, we are Back From Italy. And, as we lay feebly on our sofa, leaning to the left like the tower of Pisa from a little bit of boat-induced vertigo (long story), we canNOT think of a better way to spend our Sunday than catching up with the last two weeks of Season Dolly Pemily. We are sure you agree.
Just last week, we were in the Vatican Museum, looking at a statue of Artemis surrounded by bull balls. Now, this viewer does not presently choose to drape herself a la testicle as a symbol of her fertility. Nonetheless, we see the cosmic righteousness of ABC replicating the ball-y portion of Artemis, turning it into a fountain, and positioning said statue in all its glory in the middle of the mens' courtyard while they learn about the dates on which they will be going this week (or, two weeks ago). Two group dates and one individual date. Our Cup runneth over, so to speak.
Card #1 comes, and it is for Corporate Chris: "Love is a steady climb." Piffle. Regardless, one hard edit later, and The Dolly and Corporate Chris are wandering around North Carolina at night, talking about whether or not they would approach each other in a bar. She's so comfortable with him, gentle readers, that all they talk about is (a) how "lucky" and "excited" they are, (b) how "unbelievable" this whole experience is, and (c) how "cute" each other is.
We personally think that Corporate Chris looks like our high school classmate, DDan. The last time this viewer saw DDan, he was shirtless, in tube socks and shorts, on the back of a dirt bike riding down main street with a rifle slung over his shoulder. We think he is probably in jail now. And also, this viewer would start drinking Right Now if she would not fall off the sofa. But we digress.
So two ropes descend from the top of a building, and we are not at all surprised to learn that they will be climbing to dinner that evening. "She looks unbelievable in a harness," marvels Corporate Chris of DP. We have no words.
Naturally, Dolly Pemily and CorpChris make it to the top of the building, and, after she thanks him for "not abandoning me," (query: where would he have gone?), they share a romantical high five. The biggest trauma on this date is that DP learns that Corporate Chris is only 25 years old. We confess to being a little shocked ourselves, yet are unclear as to how 25 is somehow younger than DP, who alleges to have had her 6 year old daughter at age 19. Oh, but he masterfully asserts that while young in years, he is nontheless "A Man." Color us Reassured. This date ends with the two of them dancing to a country music song that includes the following: "Girl, you make my speakers go Boom Boom." This is why we love country music (all of us). He gets the rose.
Meanwhile, back at Chez Artemis bull balls, date card #2 has arrived for Charlie, Latin, Other Latin, Ducky, Hulk, Mr. Wood, Dong, Data Destruction, Travis, Sean, and probably some others that we don't know. We are fiendishly happy that Colon is not on this date, having been Cut Out from all dates this week. "Let's play," says the card.
As the group hoofs it to the park to meet DP and allegedly play some football, the Hulk is feeling confident because he feels like he and Pemily have Something Special. We do not like the Hulk, as he is A Masterful Ass. Nor do we like the machievellian facial hair he has carved into his stony countenance -- which only gets weirder throughout the episode. If we were fancity on this blog, we would do a time lapse. But we are not.
We secretly look forward to his interview with Dolly Pemily's friends, who are hiding just around the corner on some benches to determine whether any of the men are Husband Material for their buddy. Sadly, when the guys see these women (one of whom is Indian), some unidentified one of them says, "ooo, are we getting manicures?" Again, no words.
While we don't see much of these interviews, we see enough to conclude that We Love DP's friends, particularly Wendy:
Wendy of Sean: "Sean is like a genetic gift to the world."
Wendy TO Sean: "You'd look good in a cape. Or some spandex."
Wendy to the Hulk: "Well, you're put together in a very pretty way, for a man." Of course, you could blow up like a tick after you get married, you never know."
And then: Time Stands Still. For the Hulk, forever cemeting himself as the Biggest Closet Ass on Season Dolly Pemily, declares that he would expect DP to maintain her physique at its "very best" after marriage for, if she were to stray in poundage, he would "still love her, but not love up on her so much." And he says this not only to DP, but also to her friends. He is Dead To Us (All of Us).
But we almost don't have time to select a circle of hell into which to consign the Hulk, as the friends are recommending that DP go for Sean or Dong. Ok, so Dong is our favorite, even though his life story makes us feel horribly ashamed about ever complaining about anything, ever. Lo, for Dong's father had epilepsy, hooked up with a bad woman with whom he had two children (including Dong) before she deserted him and the kids, then Dong's father subsequently died when chosing to pay for groceries for the children instead of taking himself to a hospital for his condition, and Dong and his sister were split up and placed in foster care, but, according to Dong, "You only have bad days to appreciate the good ones." OH. Then Dong takes time out on the date to counsel Mr. Wood, who is having a hard time coping with missing his son. He doesn't even make fun of Mr. Wood's sweater, which has a popped collar, buckles, AND snaps. Double OH. We might have a little crush on Dong, who is probably a better person than we will ever be.
Conversely, we just can't get that excited about Sean, who informs DP's friends that "family and faith" are what is most important, and informs DP that he is looking for someone "who is confident, but also who I can lead." GAH. Babies, Sean, though only 28, is confident that he will be a Perfect Husband and Dad because his father has shown him how to do that for 28 years. We sigh, and once again wish we could drink.
In the end, and after playing with some children and then going to an me outdoor rooftop bar for the standard "end of group date" drinking session, Dolly Pemily sends Mr. Wood home to be with his son, and gives the rose to Sean. Nooooo.
But yay!! For Date Card #3 has arrived! Colon, thus far cut out from all dates, hopes that "Emily has planned something really over the top for our date," but the card is NOT for Colon. . but for Hot Wheels. Yay! Hot Wheels, for the win!! We like Hot Wheels because he's one of the least dandified of all of the men, and appears to be allowing himself to go gray. "Love is a wild ride," says the card.
So for about the last 20 years, this viewer has wanted to go to Dollyworld. Because, come on, it is DOLLYWORLD. And also, Dolly Parton is one cool lady. "I love me some Dolly Parton," says Dolly Pemily, and we like her even more, despite the fact that she is wearing jean shorts and cowboy boots. We do not care how many fashionable women wear boots and shorts -- that combination will forever be the World Of No that is socks with sandals and one-armed dresses to this viewer. The End.
Anyway, we feel Dolly Pemily's pain when she says that, despite going to Dollyworld all the time as a kid, she "doesn't do rollercoasters." This viewer will never, voluntarily, go on a roller coaster. Yet Hot Wheels gets DP onto one, AND keeps her from peeing herself during the ride. But soon all is forgotten, as Hot Wheels and DP sit down to write their own love song in a darkened theater (oh dear god) before . . the REAL Dolly Parton comes out on a stage to sing to them!! DP is shaking and "about to die." WE are shaking and about to die, being both excited and grateful that we do not have to hear any DP-penned love songs. Hot Wheels does not seem similarly stricken, but is very sweet with DP, thereby earning several points in this viewer's esteem.
In the end, Hot Wheels gets the rose. We are happy for him, as he just seems like a normal guy despite being a fancity racecar driver.
And then here we are at the rose ceremony. We are not quite sure what made DP wear cowboy boots with her floorlength dress, but we applaud her decision on comfort. So, the highlights:
(a) Colon, wearing fashion glasses, and no socks with his loafers and suit, tells DP "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish," after talking over her about 20 times during a conversation, told her that he always thought his "first" child would be his own, and that he's "never had to share much in my life, and to share you with others is difficult." We canNOT understand why she does not eliminate him on the spot.
(b) Travis, the dude that has been carrying around an egg since episode 1, allowed DP to smash it finally, and
(c) Latin gets summarily eliminated during 1:1 time with DP, when he describes becoming a husband and father as a "compromise" that would take him away from work. And really, this is the moment where we conclude that Hot Wheels and DP could actually make a go of it, as they both check in with eachother after DP gives Latin the axe. We do not give the same credit to Sean, who supposedly restores Dolly Pemily's faith by swearing again that he would be a Perfect Father to Ricky.
In the end, DP picks, to join Corporate Chris, Sean, and Hot Wheels:
1. Jef(f)
2. Charlie
3. Dong (YAY)
4. Pretty Michael
5. Travis (now egg-less)
6. Other Latin
7. Hulk (boooo)
8. Data Destruction
9. Colon (NOOOO)
10. Some guy named Nate.
Ducky gets the axe. But beware, for the Hulk has been enraged. He saw DP and Hot Wheels kissing after Latin got the Axe, and is going to Rain Down the Pain. For, Hot Wheels (at probably 6' 3" and 225 lbs) is "dainty" but the Hulk is more "physical," and ready for a fight. Ooooo.
KLo.
Just last week, we were in the Vatican Museum, looking at a statue of Artemis surrounded by bull balls. Now, this viewer does not presently choose to drape herself a la testicle as a symbol of her fertility. Nonetheless, we see the cosmic righteousness of ABC replicating the ball-y portion of Artemis, turning it into a fountain, and positioning said statue in all its glory in the middle of the mens' courtyard while they learn about the dates on which they will be going this week (or, two weeks ago). Two group dates and one individual date. Our Cup runneth over, so to speak.
Card #1 comes, and it is for Corporate Chris: "Love is a steady climb." Piffle. Regardless, one hard edit later, and The Dolly and Corporate Chris are wandering around North Carolina at night, talking about whether or not they would approach each other in a bar. She's so comfortable with him, gentle readers, that all they talk about is (a) how "lucky" and "excited" they are, (b) how "unbelievable" this whole experience is, and (c) how "cute" each other is.
We personally think that Corporate Chris looks like our high school classmate, DDan. The last time this viewer saw DDan, he was shirtless, in tube socks and shorts, on the back of a dirt bike riding down main street with a rifle slung over his shoulder. We think he is probably in jail now. And also, this viewer would start drinking Right Now if she would not fall off the sofa. But we digress.
So two ropes descend from the top of a building, and we are not at all surprised to learn that they will be climbing to dinner that evening. "She looks unbelievable in a harness," marvels Corporate Chris of DP. We have no words.
Naturally, Dolly Pemily and CorpChris make it to the top of the building, and, after she thanks him for "not abandoning me," (query: where would he have gone?), they share a romantical high five. The biggest trauma on this date is that DP learns that Corporate Chris is only 25 years old. We confess to being a little shocked ourselves, yet are unclear as to how 25 is somehow younger than DP, who alleges to have had her 6 year old daughter at age 19. Oh, but he masterfully asserts that while young in years, he is nontheless "A Man." Color us Reassured. This date ends with the two of them dancing to a country music song that includes the following: "Girl, you make my speakers go Boom Boom." This is why we love country music (all of us). He gets the rose.
Meanwhile, back at Chez Artemis bull balls, date card #2 has arrived for Charlie, Latin, Other Latin, Ducky, Hulk, Mr. Wood, Dong, Data Destruction, Travis, Sean, and probably some others that we don't know. We are fiendishly happy that Colon is not on this date, having been Cut Out from all dates this week. "Let's play," says the card.
As the group hoofs it to the park to meet DP and allegedly play some football, the Hulk is feeling confident because he feels like he and Pemily have Something Special. We do not like the Hulk, as he is A Masterful Ass. Nor do we like the machievellian facial hair he has carved into his stony countenance -- which only gets weirder throughout the episode. If we were fancity on this blog, we would do a time lapse. But we are not.
We secretly look forward to his interview with Dolly Pemily's friends, who are hiding just around the corner on some benches to determine whether any of the men are Husband Material for their buddy. Sadly, when the guys see these women (one of whom is Indian), some unidentified one of them says, "ooo, are we getting manicures?" Again, no words.
While we don't see much of these interviews, we see enough to conclude that We Love DP's friends, particularly Wendy:
Wendy of Sean: "Sean is like a genetic gift to the world."
Wendy TO Sean: "You'd look good in a cape. Or some spandex."
Wendy to the Hulk: "Well, you're put together in a very pretty way, for a man." Of course, you could blow up like a tick after you get married, you never know."
And then: Time Stands Still. For the Hulk, forever cemeting himself as the Biggest Closet Ass on Season Dolly Pemily, declares that he would expect DP to maintain her physique at its "very best" after marriage for, if she were to stray in poundage, he would "still love her, but not love up on her so much." And he says this not only to DP, but also to her friends. He is Dead To Us (All of Us).
But we almost don't have time to select a circle of hell into which to consign the Hulk, as the friends are recommending that DP go for Sean or Dong. Ok, so Dong is our favorite, even though his life story makes us feel horribly ashamed about ever complaining about anything, ever. Lo, for Dong's father had epilepsy, hooked up with a bad woman with whom he had two children (including Dong) before she deserted him and the kids, then Dong's father subsequently died when chosing to pay for groceries for the children instead of taking himself to a hospital for his condition, and Dong and his sister were split up and placed in foster care, but, according to Dong, "You only have bad days to appreciate the good ones." OH. Then Dong takes time out on the date to counsel Mr. Wood, who is having a hard time coping with missing his son. He doesn't even make fun of Mr. Wood's sweater, which has a popped collar, buckles, AND snaps. Double OH. We might have a little crush on Dong, who is probably a better person than we will ever be.
Conversely, we just can't get that excited about Sean, who informs DP's friends that "family and faith" are what is most important, and informs DP that he is looking for someone "who is confident, but also who I can lead." GAH. Babies, Sean, though only 28, is confident that he will be a Perfect Husband and Dad because his father has shown him how to do that for 28 years. We sigh, and once again wish we could drink.
In the end, and after playing with some children and then going to an me outdoor rooftop bar for the standard "end of group date" drinking session, Dolly Pemily sends Mr. Wood home to be with his son, and gives the rose to Sean. Nooooo.
But yay!! For Date Card #3 has arrived! Colon, thus far cut out from all dates, hopes that "Emily has planned something really over the top for our date," but the card is NOT for Colon. . but for Hot Wheels. Yay! Hot Wheels, for the win!! We like Hot Wheels because he's one of the least dandified of all of the men, and appears to be allowing himself to go gray. "Love is a wild ride," says the card.
So for about the last 20 years, this viewer has wanted to go to Dollyworld. Because, come on, it is DOLLYWORLD. And also, Dolly Parton is one cool lady. "I love me some Dolly Parton," says Dolly Pemily, and we like her even more, despite the fact that she is wearing jean shorts and cowboy boots. We do not care how many fashionable women wear boots and shorts -- that combination will forever be the World Of No that is socks with sandals and one-armed dresses to this viewer. The End.
Anyway, we feel Dolly Pemily's pain when she says that, despite going to Dollyworld all the time as a kid, she "doesn't do rollercoasters." This viewer will never, voluntarily, go on a roller coaster. Yet Hot Wheels gets DP onto one, AND keeps her from peeing herself during the ride. But soon all is forgotten, as Hot Wheels and DP sit down to write their own love song in a darkened theater (oh dear god) before . . the REAL Dolly Parton comes out on a stage to sing to them!! DP is shaking and "about to die." WE are shaking and about to die, being both excited and grateful that we do not have to hear any DP-penned love songs. Hot Wheels does not seem similarly stricken, but is very sweet with DP, thereby earning several points in this viewer's esteem.
In the end, Hot Wheels gets the rose. We are happy for him, as he just seems like a normal guy despite being a fancity racecar driver.
And then here we are at the rose ceremony. We are not quite sure what made DP wear cowboy boots with her floorlength dress, but we applaud her decision on comfort. So, the highlights:
(a) Colon, wearing fashion glasses, and no socks with his loafers and suit, tells DP "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish," after talking over her about 20 times during a conversation, told her that he always thought his "first" child would be his own, and that he's "never had to share much in my life, and to share you with others is difficult." We canNOT understand why she does not eliminate him on the spot.
(b) Travis, the dude that has been carrying around an egg since episode 1, allowed DP to smash it finally, and
(c) Latin gets summarily eliminated during 1:1 time with DP, when he describes becoming a husband and father as a "compromise" that would take him away from work. And really, this is the moment where we conclude that Hot Wheels and DP could actually make a go of it, as they both check in with eachother after DP gives Latin the axe. We do not give the same credit to Sean, who supposedly restores Dolly Pemily's faith by swearing again that he would be a Perfect Father to Ricky.
In the end, DP picks, to join Corporate Chris, Sean, and Hot Wheels:
1. Jef(f)
2. Charlie
3. Dong (YAY)
4. Pretty Michael
5. Travis (now egg-less)
6. Other Latin
7. Hulk (boooo)
8. Data Destruction
9. Colon (NOOOO)
10. Some guy named Nate.
Ducky gets the axe. But beware, for the Hulk has been enraged. He saw DP and Hot Wheels kissing after Latin got the Axe, and is going to Rain Down the Pain. For, Hot Wheels (at probably 6' 3" and 225 lbs) is "dainty" but the Hulk is more "physical," and ready for a fight. Ooooo.
KLo.
posted by KLo @ 3:11 PM
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