Dolly Pemily Part 5: West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods
Sis-boom-bah! We are finally caught up on our bachelorette viewing! And what better way to celebrate than to share a double decker bus with Dolly Pemily and Little Ricky in London before spiriting off to meet the remaining mathletes in this Competition of Skill. As we scan the crowd, our eyes fall onto the Hulk, resplendant in a neon salmon pink V-neck shirt and blue blazer. Why hello, Miami Vice. "Some of these guys are such D-bags," says KMu. "Like, all of them," we say together. Wonder Twin Powers, Unite!
Though we aren't really listening, we gather that DP Part 5 will contain two 1:1 dates and one group date. Date #1 goes to Sean, and we grip the sofa, preparing to be bored. "Love takes no prisoners," says the card. This is going to be a long night, for Sean has decided that DP is his "ideal woman." And while we DO covet The Dolly's fabulous coat, we cannot but feel that Sean has a problem if his ideal woman is a tour guide. Sings DP: "This is Big Ben. . . This is the cathedral where Princess Diana got married .. This is Buckingham Palace, where Queen Elizabeth lives, and where Will and Kate shared their first kiss."
Unfortunately for us, Sean decides to Make Like Will & Kate. We drown our muffled protests to the WORST KISS EVER in our wine glass. Everybody drink. Coming up for air, Dolly Pemily speaks through the television to us, saying, "Look KLo [ok, we made that part up, but she DOES say], I like my kisses with Sean. Hopefully, they will get better over time." Ahhhaaaa, and also, no, no they won't because he is TERRIBLE, The End.
So blah blah Sean tells DP that he was on a date 4-5 months ago, and then before that, not for a long time because he is "selective." DP tells him that usually guys who look like him are "boring," but that he is not. We take another drink, vertigo be damned. But it only gets worse, for Sean has leapt onto a podium at Speaker's Corner and is blathering on and on about Love: "To love someone is like giving yourself completely to them. Like an eternal kind of love. A bond so strong that MOST PEOPLE cannot comprehend. Though I have never experienced such love, my parents have shown me great love, as did my grandparents. . . "
As our sister SHa might say, love is not about diamond shitting unicorns, Sean.
But Sean and DP have the last laugh, as they get to eat dinner at the Tower of London. Damn you, ABC, for scheduling one of the most insipid dates of season DP at the Greatest Place on Earth for this viewer. We even forgive the Tower Guard for uttering the following: "Please enjoy your short internment." Sweetheart, you have NO idea.
But now we are jealous of DP and Tweedle Dee, for whom The Dolly is rapidly falling. She swears she cannot imagine better Marriage Material than Sean, who is "humble," yet does not advertise it. She peppers him about children, asking whether he wants 3 or 4, and he nervously says that he hasn't given it much thought but 2 is a nice number. Dolly, this man is not right for you, and if he is, he is not right for Us (All of Us), so please let him go so that we can all stop hearing about his selectivity and how only his family has taught him about love. Because that is just asinine, and/or he is blind to all the other loves in the world.
He gets the rose.
Back at the hotel, Colon is well, being himself.
Colon, regarding the group date: "Pretty much any day is a group date with Emily, since it's going to be you, her, and Ricky." [insert high pitched giggle].
Colon, when he learns he is going to be on the group date: "This day is going to smell like shit."
We are not surprised by these comments. But we are surprised in Jef(f) for confronting him about them, as Colon was apparently raised by a single mother and so the irony is rather deep. We like Jef(f), despite his haircut and skinny jeans, and despite ourselves. Oh dear.
Yes, so by the way, the group Date Card has arrived, and it is for Corporate Chris, Hot Wheels, Hulk, Dong, Other Latin, Travis, Data Destruction, and Colon. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," it says. "Is that Shakespeare?" says some unnamed person. Our heart breaks for English teachers everywhere. But it gets worse.
Babies, they are in Stratford-on-Avon, where, DP informs them, "Shakespeare lived." And about to enact scenes from Romeo & Juliet with the help of three Shakespeare Experts who have perjured their souls by being on reality television for the sake of promoting The Bard. After a brief audition, our Romeos are: Other Latin, Data Destruction, Colon, and Hulk. Our nurses: Hot Wheels and Dong. To Colon, gentle readers, this performance is "Extremely Important." It is his Moment To Shine. Which is why, when The Dolly comes over to see how rehearsals are going, he tells her to "Run Along" because he and the Hulk need to get back to it.
Unsurprisingly, Colon is terrible, and Hulk steels a big kiss, in their respective scenes. But we like Dong's spirit, as he concludes that he is going to be the "best damn woman he can be" as nurse, and procedes to give Data Destruction a hearty kiss during their scene (which DD says was scratchy, but "warm, and moist -- two out of three ain't bad." GAH).
However, our heart really suffers a blow when Hot Wheels says he doesn't understand a word he is saying, including the word "poultice." We fully recognize that not every person in America devours trashy Period Romances as does This Viewer, and therefore might not frequently read variations on the following theme: "Jessamy, put a poultice on my horse's hock, as it is badly strained." Nonetheless, it is with a broken heart that we learn Hot Wheels' vocabulary skills are so limited.
After thoroughly turning Shakespeare in his grave, the boys head to the aptly named pub, "Cox's Yard." Indeed. Various 1:1 times ensue, including Hulk presenting a necklace to DP after sweeping her behind some curtains, for, as he sagely concludes: "If a woman says you are trouble with a smile on her face, she probably wants to get IN trouble." We wonder how many girls Hulk has taken behind the middle school. DP is caught off guard by the unexpected "thoughtfulness." Noooo.
But the main story here is that Colon, the night before, called Ricky "baggage." This starts as a rumor -- Corporate Chris wheedles to Hot Wheels that Colon supposedly said this, and the news spreads. We are annoyed and wonder if it actually happened. But then, our appreciation for Dong increases as he clarifies the rumor with Colon himself. Colon's response: " Yeah, I said it, and I'm not going to apologize or retract it. 'Baggage' has a negative conotation, but really what I meant was great responsibility . . . " We are so very surprised that this man is single.
Dong tells Dolly Pemily, thus guaranteeing the Best Moment in Dolly Pemily History, in which our fair maiden strongly desires to take out her earings and go "West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods On His Ass," but instead utters the following: "Ricky is a huge blessing that is my heart and soul. [Colon attempts to talk]. . No, I love to hear you talk, but not until I'm done. I learned that line from you. Ricky is not baggage. Anyone with the tiniest heart can see that. Your mother was a single mother. She was in my position. And that's what makes this so very disappointing, on so many levels. Now get the f*ck out. "
Dolly Pemily, FOR THE WIN. After eliminating Colon, she walks off for some alone time, and then comes back to cooly inform the remaining boys that she will not be giving out a rose on this date. And this is our thing (All Of Us): We understand where she is coming from. Because it's not that she can't handle herself or fight her own battles, but it would have been nice for one of these men to pull Colon's lungs through his nose on DP's behalf. And no one did (though Jef(f) did get pissy with Colon in his own quiet way, and Dong brought the matter to DP's attention). And in that moment, DP felt terribly alone. And we understand that, and feel bad for her.
We also regret the inevitable aftermath of this episode, in which all of the men will now stumble over eachother to tattle on the slightest offence, on the thinnest rumor, to Dolly Pemily so as not to be accused of being The Passive One.
Finally, we are moving towards Date #3, with Jef(f). We know that Dolly Pemily is getting ready for this date, and we are supposed to be able to see her doing so, except we are blinded by the Sea of Pink tumbling forth from her hotel room. There is no way on God's Green Earth that any London hotel voluntarily decorated its top suite in shades of Florida trailer park.
But soon we are with Jef(f), liking him unaccountably, as he and Dolly Pemily suffer through an etiquette lesson during afternoon tea at Chiswick House. Jef(f) takes it in stride, but finds it frustrating that all he really wants to do is hold DP's hand, and yet here is Jean, the etiquette battle axe, droning on and on in his ear. We like DP when, during a brief absence by Jean, she says "I thought this was a good idea, but I'm ready to get the hell out of here." Jef(f) jumps at the chance, and they go for fish and chips at a pub. They talk about the "Baggage Incident," and Jef(f) says that if Ricky is baggage, then she is a vintage Louis Vuitton. We don't know whether to appreciate the attempt, or to be concerned that Jef(f) came up with that analogy on his own.
Yet as this date progresses, we can no longer hear over the buzzing in our ears: "There, you see her, sitting there across the way. She don't have that much to say, but there's something about her. . . Kiss de girl, la LA la la la." And then louder "KISS THE GIRL DAMMIT OR I AM GOING TO JUMP THROUGH THAT TELEVISION AND KICK YOU." And finally, after fish and chips, dinner, hugs, and Countless Other Perfect Moments including over a dessert of Whipitude capped with Potato Chip which makes this Viewer vomit a little in her mouth, Jef(f) makes his move. KMu does a rain dance, for Jef(f) -- despite all his stalling -- is actually GOOD at it. Yay!! We don't know whether to be happy we can watch a kiss on this show without hiding behind our afghan, or whether we should be telling Sean to take notes. He gets the rose.
At last, the rose ceremony is upon us. But Dolly Pemily has lost her mind, as she is wearing a one-shoulder blue velvet spandex ribbon with one entire arm covered in the offending material, capped with a bedazzled bracelet. While this color looks good on The Dolly, we hate this dress, if not for the cuff alone. And, after various 1:1 times in which Dolly Pemily grills each man on whether he would Have Her Back, as the Colon incident has shaken her To The Very Core, she picks (to join Jef(f) and Sean with roses):
1. Dong
2. Hulk
3. Corporate Chris
4. Data
5. Travis w/o the egg
6. Hot Wheels.
Other Latin is gone, babies, gone! It was only a matter of time, as he is a 24 year old mushroom farmer, and it is not clear what Dolly Pemily would do with that. But, we still feel bad for him.
Stay tuned for next week, when the Electric Eight go to Dubrovnik, Croatia, and more controversy ensues.
Though we aren't really listening, we gather that DP Part 5 will contain two 1:1 dates and one group date. Date #1 goes to Sean, and we grip the sofa, preparing to be bored. "Love takes no prisoners," says the card. This is going to be a long night, for Sean has decided that DP is his "ideal woman." And while we DO covet The Dolly's fabulous coat, we cannot but feel that Sean has a problem if his ideal woman is a tour guide. Sings DP: "This is Big Ben. . . This is the cathedral where Princess Diana got married .. This is Buckingham Palace, where Queen Elizabeth lives, and where Will and Kate shared their first kiss."
Unfortunately for us, Sean decides to Make Like Will & Kate. We drown our muffled protests to the WORST KISS EVER in our wine glass. Everybody drink. Coming up for air, Dolly Pemily speaks through the television to us, saying, "Look KLo [ok, we made that part up, but she DOES say], I like my kisses with Sean. Hopefully, they will get better over time." Ahhhaaaa, and also, no, no they won't because he is TERRIBLE, The End.
So blah blah Sean tells DP that he was on a date 4-5 months ago, and then before that, not for a long time because he is "selective." DP tells him that usually guys who look like him are "boring," but that he is not. We take another drink, vertigo be damned. But it only gets worse, for Sean has leapt onto a podium at Speaker's Corner and is blathering on and on about Love: "To love someone is like giving yourself completely to them. Like an eternal kind of love. A bond so strong that MOST PEOPLE cannot comprehend. Though I have never experienced such love, my parents have shown me great love, as did my grandparents. . . "
As our sister SHa might say, love is not about diamond shitting unicorns, Sean.
But Sean and DP have the last laugh, as they get to eat dinner at the Tower of London. Damn you, ABC, for scheduling one of the most insipid dates of season DP at the Greatest Place on Earth for this viewer. We even forgive the Tower Guard for uttering the following: "Please enjoy your short internment." Sweetheart, you have NO idea.
But now we are jealous of DP and Tweedle Dee, for whom The Dolly is rapidly falling. She swears she cannot imagine better Marriage Material than Sean, who is "humble," yet does not advertise it. She peppers him about children, asking whether he wants 3 or 4, and he nervously says that he hasn't given it much thought but 2 is a nice number. Dolly, this man is not right for you, and if he is, he is not right for Us (All of Us), so please let him go so that we can all stop hearing about his selectivity and how only his family has taught him about love. Because that is just asinine, and/or he is blind to all the other loves in the world.
He gets the rose.
Back at the hotel, Colon is well, being himself.
Colon, regarding the group date: "Pretty much any day is a group date with Emily, since it's going to be you, her, and Ricky." [insert high pitched giggle].
Colon, when he learns he is going to be on the group date: "This day is going to smell like shit."
We are not surprised by these comments. But we are surprised in Jef(f) for confronting him about them, as Colon was apparently raised by a single mother and so the irony is rather deep. We like Jef(f), despite his haircut and skinny jeans, and despite ourselves. Oh dear.
Yes, so by the way, the group Date Card has arrived, and it is for Corporate Chris, Hot Wheels, Hulk, Dong, Other Latin, Travis, Data Destruction, and Colon. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," it says. "Is that Shakespeare?" says some unnamed person. Our heart breaks for English teachers everywhere. But it gets worse.
Babies, they are in Stratford-on-Avon, where, DP informs them, "Shakespeare lived." And about to enact scenes from Romeo & Juliet with the help of three Shakespeare Experts who have perjured their souls by being on reality television for the sake of promoting The Bard. After a brief audition, our Romeos are: Other Latin, Data Destruction, Colon, and Hulk. Our nurses: Hot Wheels and Dong. To Colon, gentle readers, this performance is "Extremely Important." It is his Moment To Shine. Which is why, when The Dolly comes over to see how rehearsals are going, he tells her to "Run Along" because he and the Hulk need to get back to it.
Unsurprisingly, Colon is terrible, and Hulk steels a big kiss, in their respective scenes. But we like Dong's spirit, as he concludes that he is going to be the "best damn woman he can be" as nurse, and procedes to give Data Destruction a hearty kiss during their scene (which DD says was scratchy, but "warm, and moist -- two out of three ain't bad." GAH).
However, our heart really suffers a blow when Hot Wheels says he doesn't understand a word he is saying, including the word "poultice." We fully recognize that not every person in America devours trashy Period Romances as does This Viewer, and therefore might not frequently read variations on the following theme: "Jessamy, put a poultice on my horse's hock, as it is badly strained." Nonetheless, it is with a broken heart that we learn Hot Wheels' vocabulary skills are so limited.
After thoroughly turning Shakespeare in his grave, the boys head to the aptly named pub, "Cox's Yard." Indeed. Various 1:1 times ensue, including Hulk presenting a necklace to DP after sweeping her behind some curtains, for, as he sagely concludes: "If a woman says you are trouble with a smile on her face, she probably wants to get IN trouble." We wonder how many girls Hulk has taken behind the middle school. DP is caught off guard by the unexpected "thoughtfulness." Noooo.
But the main story here is that Colon, the night before, called Ricky "baggage." This starts as a rumor -- Corporate Chris wheedles to Hot Wheels that Colon supposedly said this, and the news spreads. We are annoyed and wonder if it actually happened. But then, our appreciation for Dong increases as he clarifies the rumor with Colon himself. Colon's response: " Yeah, I said it, and I'm not going to apologize or retract it. 'Baggage' has a negative conotation, but really what I meant was great responsibility . . . " We are so very surprised that this man is single.
Dong tells Dolly Pemily, thus guaranteeing the Best Moment in Dolly Pemily History, in which our fair maiden strongly desires to take out her earings and go "West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods On His Ass," but instead utters the following: "Ricky is a huge blessing that is my heart and soul. [Colon attempts to talk]. . No, I love to hear you talk, but not until I'm done. I learned that line from you. Ricky is not baggage. Anyone with the tiniest heart can see that. Your mother was a single mother. She was in my position. And that's what makes this so very disappointing, on so many levels. Now get the f*ck out. "
Dolly Pemily, FOR THE WIN. After eliminating Colon, she walks off for some alone time, and then comes back to cooly inform the remaining boys that she will not be giving out a rose on this date. And this is our thing (All Of Us): We understand where she is coming from. Because it's not that she can't handle herself or fight her own battles, but it would have been nice for one of these men to pull Colon's lungs through his nose on DP's behalf. And no one did (though Jef(f) did get pissy with Colon in his own quiet way, and Dong brought the matter to DP's attention). And in that moment, DP felt terribly alone. And we understand that, and feel bad for her.
We also regret the inevitable aftermath of this episode, in which all of the men will now stumble over eachother to tattle on the slightest offence, on the thinnest rumor, to Dolly Pemily so as not to be accused of being The Passive One.
Finally, we are moving towards Date #3, with Jef(f). We know that Dolly Pemily is getting ready for this date, and we are supposed to be able to see her doing so, except we are blinded by the Sea of Pink tumbling forth from her hotel room. There is no way on God's Green Earth that any London hotel voluntarily decorated its top suite in shades of Florida trailer park.
But soon we are with Jef(f), liking him unaccountably, as he and Dolly Pemily suffer through an etiquette lesson during afternoon tea at Chiswick House. Jef(f) takes it in stride, but finds it frustrating that all he really wants to do is hold DP's hand, and yet here is Jean, the etiquette battle axe, droning on and on in his ear. We like DP when, during a brief absence by Jean, she says "I thought this was a good idea, but I'm ready to get the hell out of here." Jef(f) jumps at the chance, and they go for fish and chips at a pub. They talk about the "Baggage Incident," and Jef(f) says that if Ricky is baggage, then she is a vintage Louis Vuitton. We don't know whether to appreciate the attempt, or to be concerned that Jef(f) came up with that analogy on his own.
Yet as this date progresses, we can no longer hear over the buzzing in our ears: "There, you see her, sitting there across the way. She don't have that much to say, but there's something about her. . . Kiss de girl, la LA la la la." And then louder "KISS THE GIRL DAMMIT OR I AM GOING TO JUMP THROUGH THAT TELEVISION AND KICK YOU." And finally, after fish and chips, dinner, hugs, and Countless Other Perfect Moments including over a dessert of Whipitude capped with Potato Chip which makes this Viewer vomit a little in her mouth, Jef(f) makes his move. KMu does a rain dance, for Jef(f) -- despite all his stalling -- is actually GOOD at it. Yay!! We don't know whether to be happy we can watch a kiss on this show without hiding behind our afghan, or whether we should be telling Sean to take notes. He gets the rose.
At last, the rose ceremony is upon us. But Dolly Pemily has lost her mind, as she is wearing a one-shoulder blue velvet spandex ribbon with one entire arm covered in the offending material, capped with a bedazzled bracelet. While this color looks good on The Dolly, we hate this dress, if not for the cuff alone. And, after various 1:1 times in which Dolly Pemily grills each man on whether he would Have Her Back, as the Colon incident has shaken her To The Very Core, she picks (to join Jef(f) and Sean with roses):
1. Dong
2. Hulk
3. Corporate Chris
4. Data
5. Travis w/o the egg
6. Hot Wheels.
Other Latin is gone, babies, gone! It was only a matter of time, as he is a 24 year old mushroom farmer, and it is not clear what Dolly Pemily would do with that. But, we still feel bad for him.
Stay tuned for next week, when the Electric Eight go to Dubrovnik, Croatia, and more controversy ensues.
posted by KLo @ 4:51 AM
2 Comments:
This episode enraged me. SO MUCH DUMB ON SO MANY LEVELS. That is all.
ABe
OMG, Jean the etiquette lady was my 5th period english teacher sophomore year in high school. Nice to know she landed another gig after the public school budget cuts.
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