Dolly Pemily Part 4: High on a Hill was a Lonely Goatherd
One day, this viewer was relaxing in the window of her ballet school dorm, blasting Jane's Addiction off the mix tape sent to us by our dear friend LGi, feeling like the veriest badass that our 16 year old self could muster. "Hello, men of Boston!" we sang to ourselves. "We are magical and mysterious and you will See Us In This Window and Never Forget Us." And then this happened: "I got caught stealing when I was five . . . The HILLS are ALIVE, with the sound of MUSIC. . la la la la .. " For LGi had sent us, masquerading as Jane's Addiction, the entire Greatest Hits of The Sound of Music.
And really, babies, that's what Dolly Pemily Part 4 is all about: The Liederhosen Effect. Pretty good on top, if not downright attractive in an off-beat kinda way... but Cullote's Revenge down below. And what better place to experience this all than in Bermuda!! But the stakes are high, for on this week's dates (which actually happened last week, but we are still catching up), there will be one 1:1 date, one group date, and a dreaded 2:1 date. And not everyone gets a date this week. Oooooo.
So let's get started. Oh, here is DP and her daughter Ricky frolicking in the sand, for the Dolly has brought Ricky along on this world-wide adventure! Oh, here are the men folded up like grasshoppers as they ride teensy scooters towards their hotel! As this reminds us of some of the more terrifying moments in Italy, we shall ignore it. So. .. soon we are in the hotel, and the first Date card has arrived. For Dong! "Let our senses lead the way," it says. This invitation is dearly needed, as common sense seems to have evacuated the building.
Dong is super nervous for this date, allegedly. He wigs out as Hot Wheels is teasing him about it, at the very moment DP comes to pick Dong up. As we see DP's floor length sundress, we wish that we were the sort of woman who could wear such dresses without looking like a support column for a small squat house. Sigh. At any rate, The Dolly senses the tension, but tactfully ignores it. Instead, she takes Dong shopping. And shopping. And shopping -- for rum cake, for little glass animals, and for perfume. And we KNOW that Dong is lying through his teeth when he declares himself to love shopping on islands.
But trouble is brewing, as Dong seems to be giving answers that are "too perfect," to DP. What was the biggest criticism his ex-girlfriend would probably level at him? That he spent too much time with his son. Their last fight? Over the fact that Dong didn't wash her car enough. Oh, and did we mention that he started a charity to help his son understand how one person really can change the world? And also, that he will cherish and forever hold dear the fact that DP wanted to write a postcard to his son from Bermuda?
We are beginning to get suspicious of Dong. To whit: This viewer's last fight with her husband was over the food processor, which this viewer SWORE to be a Vile and Evil Machine which Did Not Work and Had Never Worked even after she had sent it in to be Serviced and it had unaccountably Been Sent Back with the accompanying check Not Cashed.. . .only to be shown (by said husband), that when the doohicky on the container is lined up with the pin thingy on the base, it works. RAGE. This standoff, following on the heels of The Blender Incident, has resulted in a tacit agreement between All Parties Involved that this viewer will not be present in the kitchen when appliances are being operated. And that, gentle readers, is a real relationship.
Yet we still like Dong, unaccountably. We do not, however, like DP's dress when they sit down to dinner. It has rhinestone wings. Across the midsection. In front. WTF. At any rate, over dinner, Dolly Pemily admits to never exercising, for which we feel there can be No Justice in the World, until we remember that she has at least another 4 years before the Twinkie Hits the Thigh. Yet even after this declaration of depressingly good genetics, Dong does not kiss the Dolly when she gives him a rose. "If DP wants to kiss Dong, DP will give Dong a sign," says he, in third person.
We don't care about Dong anymore, however, because Date Card #2 has arrived, for Charlie, Hulk, Jef(f), Sean, Hot Wheels, Travis w/o the Egg, Colon, and probably some others we have missed. "Let's set sail on a sea of love," it says.
Yes, gentle readers, the men are dividing up into "red" and "yellow" teams, to engage in a sailing competition with the winning group getting to spend the evening with Dolly Pemily, while the losers go home. Colon is excited because he is "in his element." We secretly think DP summed up that "element" most accurately when she says "a booze cruise does not a sailor make." And, while this part of the episode is weirdly exciting, we have to close our eyes because the vertigo Has Not Gotten Better yet.
Suffice to say, yellow team wins, causing Hulk to toast Emily as his "beautiful trophy possibly wife." Babies, Hulk thinks he knows "exactly what he's doing." And that is to make Dolly Pemily feel like she has let him down if she pursues her own interests. For, she has been given a "great responsibility, being the bachelorette," says he to her. And "I want to see you do a lot with it." For "tons of women will be watching you, and how you behave yourself, and comport yourself." And, for THIS REASON, darlings, Hulk had concerns when he saw DP kissing Hot Wheels at the Rose Ceremony the preceeding week.
Oh HELL no. When this viewer was in her first year of college, we were summarily dumped by a boyfriend in order for him to pursue his high school flame.. . only for him to return a week later with a proposition to get back together. When this viewer said no, not good enough, the following speech was uttered: "Wow, I have just been hurt a lot in the last week. First, [insert flame] told me she didn't want to date me, and now YOU are telling me goodbye too. I had thought you were a better person than to hurt me like that." And so, forgive this viewer for snorting her lemonade with Hulk's latest speech.
But Hulk is not done. When Dolly Pemily brings up his commentary regarding maintaining her weight, Hulk dances around the question, finally saying " God made you a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman. " Ugh. In the end, Hot Wheels is impassioned about Time Standing Still when They Are Together during 1:1 time with Dolly Pemily on this date, and Jef(f) -- while not making the least amount of push to fix his interests with DP -- manages to convince her that he has a crush on her, in a very analytical hipster way, during their own 1:1 time. And the safety rose goes to Jef(f) on this date, which Hulk thinks is a very "safe" choice. For once, we agree with Hulk.
Finally, we are on date #3. "Let's Explore this Bermuda Love Triangle," says the card, for Data Destruction and Nate. We don't know what to say here, other than that a 3-person date in which all 3 people sit side-by-side in a dank and dripping cave and attempt to eat a mystery meal, has got to be the most Awkward Thing Ever. And also, we are utterly uninterested in either of these two men. The rose goes to Data Destruction here.
We suppose that the more interesting thing about the 2:1 date is the fact that while it is happening, Dong has managed to infuriate Corporate Chris back at the hotel, by commenting that a man of 35 is more mature than a man of 25, generally speaking. We don't find this to be that surprising of a concept, and cannot help but feel that the fact that Corporate Chris takes this benign comment as a Personal Attack which Requires Him to Declare Swords or Pistols at Dawn rather supports Dong's point, than refutes it. We are not much interested in this fight.
And last, it is the Rose Ceremony. And we See Him: Jef(f) in a jacket, tie, and . . . LIEDERHOSEN. WITH PASTEL BLUE KNEE SOCKS and brown shoes. Just for a second, but it is Burned In Our Brains and we cannot now Unsee It. Suddenly, and again after Colon flashes a hairy cankle between his suit pant and sockless loafer, we are hit with a suspicion that there is a Very Good Reason why ABC is only filming this particular rose ceremony from the waist up. It always comes back to the Cullott, babies, lurking underneath all that surface polish.
And here to prove our theory is the Hulk, all dressed up in his requisite goodlookingness, and advising us that he feels like he has been blessed by God and is a Veritable Tulip of a Catch. He is athletic. He is romantic. He is really evaluating Emily because he doesn't want to "fall in love with the wrong person" and, you know, waste himself that way. But rest assured - if this doesn't work out with Dolly Pemily, he is "involved with the Media back at home. Let's do Bachelor Ryan. Emily is a very special person, but I feel called to something higher. If I was the bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart, and wouldn't that be a neat for everyone to see."
Not as neat as it would be to watch Dolly Pemily filet you nape to navel, asshat.
Blah blah there is a big confrontation between Dong and Corporate Chris regarding Dong's ageist comments. Blah blah 1:1 with Sean, in which we learn that while he may like to "lead" whatever woman he is with, he is a Perfectly Awful Kisser. Blah Blah Emily reveals to Chris Harrison that she has got Hulk's number, and yet in the end, she picks, to join Dong, Jef(f), and Data Destruction with roses:
1. Sean
2. Hot Wheels
3. Travis without the egg
4. Corporate Chris
5. Hulk
6. Colon (what???)
7. Other Latin!!
Wow, Charlie and Pretty Michael are sent home. We feel bad for them both, even though Pretty Michael totally had it coming with his yellow headbands and long flowing locks, and Charlie seemed all wrong for The Dolly also.
Stay tuned for TONIGHT, when everyone goes to London and DP unloads the F bomb on who we strongly suspect to be Colon.
- KLo.
And really, babies, that's what Dolly Pemily Part 4 is all about: The Liederhosen Effect. Pretty good on top, if not downright attractive in an off-beat kinda way... but Cullote's Revenge down below. And what better place to experience this all than in Bermuda!! But the stakes are high, for on this week's dates (which actually happened last week, but we are still catching up), there will be one 1:1 date, one group date, and a dreaded 2:1 date. And not everyone gets a date this week. Oooooo.
So let's get started. Oh, here is DP and her daughter Ricky frolicking in the sand, for the Dolly has brought Ricky along on this world-wide adventure! Oh, here are the men folded up like grasshoppers as they ride teensy scooters towards their hotel! As this reminds us of some of the more terrifying moments in Italy, we shall ignore it. So. .. soon we are in the hotel, and the first Date card has arrived. For Dong! "Let our senses lead the way," it says. This invitation is dearly needed, as common sense seems to have evacuated the building.
Dong is super nervous for this date, allegedly. He wigs out as Hot Wheels is teasing him about it, at the very moment DP comes to pick Dong up. As we see DP's floor length sundress, we wish that we were the sort of woman who could wear such dresses without looking like a support column for a small squat house. Sigh. At any rate, The Dolly senses the tension, but tactfully ignores it. Instead, she takes Dong shopping. And shopping. And shopping -- for rum cake, for little glass animals, and for perfume. And we KNOW that Dong is lying through his teeth when he declares himself to love shopping on islands.
But trouble is brewing, as Dong seems to be giving answers that are "too perfect," to DP. What was the biggest criticism his ex-girlfriend would probably level at him? That he spent too much time with his son. Their last fight? Over the fact that Dong didn't wash her car enough. Oh, and did we mention that he started a charity to help his son understand how one person really can change the world? And also, that he will cherish and forever hold dear the fact that DP wanted to write a postcard to his son from Bermuda?
We are beginning to get suspicious of Dong. To whit: This viewer's last fight with her husband was over the food processor, which this viewer SWORE to be a Vile and Evil Machine which Did Not Work and Had Never Worked even after she had sent it in to be Serviced and it had unaccountably Been Sent Back with the accompanying check Not Cashed.. . .only to be shown (by said husband), that when the doohicky on the container is lined up with the pin thingy on the base, it works. RAGE. This standoff, following on the heels of The Blender Incident, has resulted in a tacit agreement between All Parties Involved that this viewer will not be present in the kitchen when appliances are being operated. And that, gentle readers, is a real relationship.
Yet we still like Dong, unaccountably. We do not, however, like DP's dress when they sit down to dinner. It has rhinestone wings. Across the midsection. In front. WTF. At any rate, over dinner, Dolly Pemily admits to never exercising, for which we feel there can be No Justice in the World, until we remember that she has at least another 4 years before the Twinkie Hits the Thigh. Yet even after this declaration of depressingly good genetics, Dong does not kiss the Dolly when she gives him a rose. "If DP wants to kiss Dong, DP will give Dong a sign," says he, in third person.
We don't care about Dong anymore, however, because Date Card #2 has arrived, for Charlie, Hulk, Jef(f), Sean, Hot Wheels, Travis w/o the Egg, Colon, and probably some others we have missed. "Let's set sail on a sea of love," it says.
Yes, gentle readers, the men are dividing up into "red" and "yellow" teams, to engage in a sailing competition with the winning group getting to spend the evening with Dolly Pemily, while the losers go home. Colon is excited because he is "in his element." We secretly think DP summed up that "element" most accurately when she says "a booze cruise does not a sailor make." And, while this part of the episode is weirdly exciting, we have to close our eyes because the vertigo Has Not Gotten Better yet.
Suffice to say, yellow team wins, causing Hulk to toast Emily as his "beautiful trophy possibly wife." Babies, Hulk thinks he knows "exactly what he's doing." And that is to make Dolly Pemily feel like she has let him down if she pursues her own interests. For, she has been given a "great responsibility, being the bachelorette," says he to her. And "I want to see you do a lot with it." For "tons of women will be watching you, and how you behave yourself, and comport yourself." And, for THIS REASON, darlings, Hulk had concerns when he saw DP kissing Hot Wheels at the Rose Ceremony the preceeding week.
Oh HELL no. When this viewer was in her first year of college, we were summarily dumped by a boyfriend in order for him to pursue his high school flame.. . only for him to return a week later with a proposition to get back together. When this viewer said no, not good enough, the following speech was uttered: "Wow, I have just been hurt a lot in the last week. First, [insert flame] told me she didn't want to date me, and now YOU are telling me goodbye too. I had thought you were a better person than to hurt me like that." And so, forgive this viewer for snorting her lemonade with Hulk's latest speech.
But Hulk is not done. When Dolly Pemily brings up his commentary regarding maintaining her weight, Hulk dances around the question, finally saying " God made you a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman. " Ugh. In the end, Hot Wheels is impassioned about Time Standing Still when They Are Together during 1:1 time with Dolly Pemily on this date, and Jef(f) -- while not making the least amount of push to fix his interests with DP -- manages to convince her that he has a crush on her, in a very analytical hipster way, during their own 1:1 time. And the safety rose goes to Jef(f) on this date, which Hulk thinks is a very "safe" choice. For once, we agree with Hulk.
Finally, we are on date #3. "Let's Explore this Bermuda Love Triangle," says the card, for Data Destruction and Nate. We don't know what to say here, other than that a 3-person date in which all 3 people sit side-by-side in a dank and dripping cave and attempt to eat a mystery meal, has got to be the most Awkward Thing Ever. And also, we are utterly uninterested in either of these two men. The rose goes to Data Destruction here.
We suppose that the more interesting thing about the 2:1 date is the fact that while it is happening, Dong has managed to infuriate Corporate Chris back at the hotel, by commenting that a man of 35 is more mature than a man of 25, generally speaking. We don't find this to be that surprising of a concept, and cannot help but feel that the fact that Corporate Chris takes this benign comment as a Personal Attack which Requires Him to Declare Swords or Pistols at Dawn rather supports Dong's point, than refutes it. We are not much interested in this fight.
And last, it is the Rose Ceremony. And we See Him: Jef(f) in a jacket, tie, and . . . LIEDERHOSEN. WITH PASTEL BLUE KNEE SOCKS and brown shoes. Just for a second, but it is Burned In Our Brains and we cannot now Unsee It. Suddenly, and again after Colon flashes a hairy cankle between his suit pant and sockless loafer, we are hit with a suspicion that there is a Very Good Reason why ABC is only filming this particular rose ceremony from the waist up. It always comes back to the Cullott, babies, lurking underneath all that surface polish.
And here to prove our theory is the Hulk, all dressed up in his requisite goodlookingness, and advising us that he feels like he has been blessed by God and is a Veritable Tulip of a Catch. He is athletic. He is romantic. He is really evaluating Emily because he doesn't want to "fall in love with the wrong person" and, you know, waste himself that way. But rest assured - if this doesn't work out with Dolly Pemily, he is "involved with the Media back at home. Let's do Bachelor Ryan. Emily is a very special person, but I feel called to something higher. If I was the bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart, and wouldn't that be a neat for everyone to see."
Not as neat as it would be to watch Dolly Pemily filet you nape to navel, asshat.
Blah blah there is a big confrontation between Dong and Corporate Chris regarding Dong's ageist comments. Blah blah 1:1 with Sean, in which we learn that while he may like to "lead" whatever woman he is with, he is a Perfectly Awful Kisser. Blah Blah Emily reveals to Chris Harrison that she has got Hulk's number, and yet in the end, she picks, to join Dong, Jef(f), and Data Destruction with roses:
1. Sean
2. Hot Wheels
3. Travis without the egg
4. Corporate Chris
5. Hulk
6. Colon (what???)
7. Other Latin!!
Wow, Charlie and Pretty Michael are sent home. We feel bad for them both, even though Pretty Michael totally had it coming with his yellow headbands and long flowing locks, and Charlie seemed all wrong for The Dolly also.
Stay tuned for TONIGHT, when everyone goes to London and DP unloads the F bomb on who we strongly suspect to be Colon.
- KLo.
posted by KLo @ 2:09 PM
1 Comments:
Curious to know if the lemonade snorted thru the nose was fresh squeezed and if so, on what appliance?
Fantastic and funny blog for this episode.
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