Pringles Part 1: 50 Shades of Nay
'Tis the season!! The Bachelor and its ugly step-sister, the BNU, are back! And with it, the knowledge that all This Viewer must do to summarize the season is put on a bathing suit, suck helium, scream "whoooo," and chase a man in a dayglo tank top around a roller derby rink. That's right, babies: if we had known that we could either suffer through the next three months, or simply watch a Richard Simmons video, we would have ReThought Our Priorities last night.
So here he is, The Bachelor. Sean Lowe. What lucky lady wouldn't want to give up their job to date a 29 year old insurance salesman from Dallas, Texas whom Chris Harrison once said was so devoted to his body building plan that he ate 20 boiled eggs a day, and who suggests that it was "God's Plan" for him to do reality television? While these may seem like minor obstacles to all of you, Intrepid Readers, here is This Viewer's Main Issue: the Man is Beige. From the top of his beige, waxen head past paradoxically hairless,waxen chest down to the tips of his beige and waxen toes. He is like the exact color of a Forbidden Pringle.
And also, apparently to prevent him from blending in to his environs too completely, ABC has shown him in nothing but lime green, electric pink, navy blue, and neon blue V-Neck t-shirts and/or naked entirely except for jogging shorts for the last 20 minutes. Stand him up against an apartment wall and Pringles here would be a Warhol print. Or George Michael, circa his "Gotta Have Faith" video.
Speaking of faith, Pringles is talking about his past season with DP, about getting over heart break, playing with his niece and nephew, and about now moving on and being prepared to "protect the heart of' his "girl," "honor her, and be her rock." Goody.
And now the Biopic portion of the show is over, and Pringles, clad in a blue v-neck muscle T, is welcoming a surprise guest to his new Bachelor Pad . .. Hot Wheels!!! What follows is this: "Dude, dude, remember that one time in Curacao?? Yeah, that was fun." Hot Wheels grills him on how he will hand out the roses, makes Pringles break up with him several times for practice, and finally, provides a lesson on how to kiss ("it's all about looking into her eyes," "one hand in her hair like this.. .") and the importance of Church Tongue (not too much, not too little, like a knee-length skirt).
Okay, This Viewer has made it five whole paragraphs without reference to Narnia and All Closets Associated Therewith. But we Just. Cannot. Do. It. Any. Longer. as The Pring is now shuffling around in the shoes searching for A Way Through. Go towards the light, Pringles!!!
One hard edit later, and Pringles has donned a skinny tie, even skinnier suit, and is now standing upon the hosed-down hearth, extolling his excitement with the opportunity to meet "The Girls." Chris Harrison pops out from behind a bush and suggests that we all waste some time getting to know a few of these contestants more personally. Cue the tape:
Desiree, or "Des" is a 26 year-old bridal consultant and hopeful dress designer. We don't want to like her, because we are creeped out by any woman who thinks its a good idea to put on a wedding dress in her in-depth interview, but for whatever reason, we like her despite it.
Tierra is a 24 year-old Leasing Consultant. She wistfully declares that she has "fallen in love, twice, and gotten her heart broken, twice" as she fingers the cross around her neck. We try to look away from the baby pacifiers she has attached to her ears, and notice that she is really pretty in a bump-shimmy kind of way. We look down at our mismatched socks and bitten nails. In the words of the Princess Diaries, in case this Viewer was not enough of a freak already, let's add a Tierra.
Robyn, a/k/a Michelle Obama, a 24-year-old african american oilfield consultant. We like that she is trying to learn Spanish by putting sticky notes with new words all over her house. We do not like that she can do handstands. Bitch.
Diana, a/k/a Priscilla Presley. She is a 30-year-old single mother and hairstylist from Utah. Her parting words: "Would you like a blow out today?"
Sarah, an advertising designer who was born with only one arm. We know that this is is supposed to be her big reveal, but we find it far more distracting that she squints constantly.
So to recap, and aside from the anomaly that is Tierra, we have (1) an artist, (2) a P.O.C., (3) a single mother, and (4) a woman with one arm. "It is like ABC's version of March of Dimes," we comment to our reluctant viewing companion, SKu. "You are going to hell for that statement," says she.
So we return to Ashley (the first of many), a 28-year-old hairstylist from Michigan that has "no idea why she is still single" because she has "actively searched for a boyfriend" while also being obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey. She hopes to bite her lip at Sean. She also hopes that he will rip her clothes off and spank her. We are traumatized.
Lesley, Kristy and AshLee follow. We know that Lesley is toast because she is a 25-year-old political consultant, and also, a Democrat. No amount of being from Arkansas is going to cancel her political affiliation out with Pringles, unless perhaps she is a Creationist. As for Kristy, this 25-year-old chicky is like Janice Dickinson - all legs and teeth and hair. She is apparently a Ford Model, and the "best in the midwest," whatever that means. Finally, AshLee is a 32-year-old professional organizer who bounced from foster home to foster home until being adopted into a pastor's family at age 6. We are so beyond excited to have a PK (preacher's kid) on the show that we cannot even tell you, though she will no doubt be eliminated for being over the age of 30.
As if this episode and all of its listy-ness isn't enough, the first Limo now arrives in "real time" as Pringles mumbles something about being "humbled" by the experience and looks like a deer in headlights. And in a steady stream, we meet:
1. AshLee, the PK, in a red boob bandage of a dress.
2. Jackie, a 25-year-old cosmetics consultant who informs Pringles that she is going to "make her mark" on him. We are terrified she is going to lift a leg, but she only puts a big lipstick swak on his cheek.
3. Selma, a 29-year-old real estate something-or-other that talks in a kind of groan and pulls tissue out of her chest to wipe off the swak.
4. Leslie, a 29-year-old poker dealer and P.O.C. We like her.
5. Daniella, a very blonde "commercial casting associate." "She's a gofer," says SKu, "I can translate these things."
6. Kelly, a 28-year-old cruise ship entertainer who looks exactly like This Viewer's old Angel Hair Barbie and sings in a horrible country cabaret:
Sean and Kelly has a nice ring to it.
So good in fact, I think I' gonna sing about it.
You're from Texas, I'm from Tennessee.
I"d love to take you home for my momma's sweet tea.
We are horrified, both for the song, and also by the memory of This Viewer's very own audition to be a cruise ship dancer 100 years ago. All we remember were the Wedge hair cuts, the Jazz Hands, the High Kicks, and how everyone took it so very seriously (which meant that this Viewer could not stop laughing). Oh, how different things might have been. .. .
So we continue with:
7. Katie/Edie Brickell, a 27-year-old yoga instructor from Texas. She's not aware of too many things, she knows what she knows, if you know what she means.
8. 50 Shades (Ashley). She pulls a grey necktie out of her cleavage and makes Pringles crumble a little. Okay people, this Viewer does not know much about the male psyche, but we are Pretty Sure that pulling kleenex and neckties and all manner of homemade Chicken Cutlet out of one's bra does not a turn-on make.
9. Taryn, a 30-year-old health club manager whose hair, skin color, or both are not found in nature.
10. Catherine, a 26-year-old graphic designer from Seattle. We like her (all of us).
11. The First Lady (Robyn), who attempts to do back walkovers to the Bachelor and falls on her butt in all her spangly glory.
"You've got to be shitting me," says SKu. Sadly, shit we not. But we are not done, for there is:
12. Lacey, a 24-year-old graduate student who is now pulling a lace triangle out of her bra that we swear she cut from cheapo Wal-Mart underpants. You know, so Pringles can "remember" her. OMG people what is up with pulling things out of your top??
13. Paige, a 24-year-old JumboTron Operator who was apparently on a show that we boycott, Bachelor Pad. We don't think she will get a rose because she informs Pringles of her prior contestantship.
14. Tierra, who bump shimmies out of the limo in black spangles and shows Pringles an "open heart" tattoo a la the necklace design hawked by Jane Seymour on her finger, noting that she needs a man to complete it. We are speechless, for we find the "open heart" design to look more like a little buttock than a heart. And also, a finger tattoo, really??? But Pringles is a speechless for other reasons, and immediately flees the scene. He begs with Chris Harrison to let him change the rules and and out a rose to her.
He returns: "You have such a sweet, exciting, positive energy!!" and gives her a rose. What he meant to say was "you look smokin in that dress, babe." But she giggles missishly anyway, and shimmies her way into the house with a wide-eyed declaration that all she did was say one sentence to him. The other women instantly hate her.
But we have a bunch more women to go, so we meet:
15. Amanda, a 26-year-old "Fit Model" in some weird black-top-long-white-skirt outfit who proposes an "awkward moment of silence" to get it out of the way.
16. Keriann, a 29-year-old "entrepreneur" who traveled over 2,700 miles to meet Pringles. Meh.
17. Desiree, who brought pennies with her to make a wish in the fountain at the mansion. Did this viewer mention we like her? We hope she saves herself by getting the axe.
18. Squints (Sarah), who declares that this is "exactly" how she thought she would find love.
19. Brooke, a 25-year-old P.O.C. with red hair and some sort of hairy feathery top. She floats up and aggressively gives Pringles a hug, terrifying him. There is no way that woman is getting a rose.
20. Diana the salon owner, in a fishtail braid and some sort of tank top.
21. Lesley The Democrat, with a football. She loses points for making him bend over to look at his tush.
22 . Janice Dickinson (Kristy), who once again reminds Pringles that she is the "Best in the Midwest."
23. Another Ashley - another model. Because this is real life.
24. Lauren, a 27-year-old journalist/bobblehead/self-professed bleach-blonde Italian who wants to feed Sean and also have her dad break his legs. and finally. . . .
25. Lindsay, a 24-year-old substitute teacher dressed like a Cake Topper, in a full-on wedding dress. We think she's drunk. She kisses Pringles. We think she's drunk and unhinged.
But then, SURPRISE, we are not done!!! Out pops a really long pair of legs, and it is Kacie B from season Buffaloed Ben (which we did not blog, for we were in Early Retirement). Apparently, she thought they "had something" when she previously met Pringles at some Bachelor-related event, and wants to give it a go.
Okay,we get it, ABC. After the last 1.5 hour long Parade of Horribles, we get that Sean is a leg man and therefore may not care much what is on top of said legs, either physically or mentally. But that does not mean that one has license to wear nothing but a slash of ill-fitting black mesh across exactly 1/2 of one's jubblies (and the inside 1/2 at that). We Hate This Dress (all of us). As Kacie B takes her mesh covered little lentils on a plate inside the house, we hope that we do not have to see much more of that as the evening wears on.
What follows is not worth writing about. There is cattyness, interspersed with various 1:1 times with Desiree, Kacie, and others. Suddenly, women start showing up with roses. The PK, Groaning Selma, Desiree, Edie Brickell, The First Lady, Jackie, and some other chick also are given roses as the night progresses. Other women inform Tierra that while she may have gotten the "first rose," it is not the "first impression rose" because all that can be said is that it was "first." Tierra fights back that others may have gotten roses, but hers is still special because all she said was "one sentence" before Pringles was swept away. Are we really having this discussion? Soon things dissolve into tears, as some wonder what's "wrong with them (Squints, Taryn) and others feel the pressure of not having a rose. 50 Shades gets drunk, booty dances for Sean, and then falls on the floor.
In the end, we lose track of which women have roses and which do not, but Pringles picks a few more to join the many he has handed out to join at least the ones described above:
1. Amanda in the horrible white skirt/black top
2. Lesley the Democrat.
3. Kacie B.
4. Janice Dickinson.
5. Daniella.
6. Taryn.
7. The Cake Topper, Lindsay.
As the others say their goodbyes, Ashley the model cries about lost love. Cruise Ship Kelly is "embarrassed that she's that girl that sang on the bachelor and got cut after 1 episode." Then maybe don't sing next time, girlie. JumboTron lady (Paige) is sad she's been on two shows and never gotten a rose. And finally, 50 Shades shows her ass tat, dances with her necktie, and concludes with "Mom, don't be mad."
Stay tuned for this season, which includes various beach and ice-like adventures.
-KLo
So here he is, The Bachelor. Sean Lowe. What lucky lady wouldn't want to give up their job to date a 29 year old insurance salesman from Dallas, Texas whom Chris Harrison once said was so devoted to his body building plan that he ate 20 boiled eggs a day, and who suggests that it was "God's Plan" for him to do reality television? While these may seem like minor obstacles to all of you, Intrepid Readers, here is This Viewer's Main Issue: the Man is Beige. From the top of his beige, waxen head past paradoxically hairless,waxen chest down to the tips of his beige and waxen toes. He is like the exact color of a Forbidden Pringle.
And also, apparently to prevent him from blending in to his environs too completely, ABC has shown him in nothing but lime green, electric pink, navy blue, and neon blue V-Neck t-shirts and/or naked entirely except for jogging shorts for the last 20 minutes. Stand him up against an apartment wall and Pringles here would be a Warhol print. Or George Michael, circa his "Gotta Have Faith" video.
Speaking of faith, Pringles is talking about his past season with DP, about getting over heart break, playing with his niece and nephew, and about now moving on and being prepared to "protect the heart of' his "girl," "honor her, and be her rock." Goody.
And now the Biopic portion of the show is over, and Pringles, clad in a blue v-neck muscle T, is welcoming a surprise guest to his new Bachelor Pad . .. Hot Wheels!!! What follows is this: "Dude, dude, remember that one time in Curacao?? Yeah, that was fun." Hot Wheels grills him on how he will hand out the roses, makes Pringles break up with him several times for practice, and finally, provides a lesson on how to kiss ("it's all about looking into her eyes," "one hand in her hair like this.. .") and the importance of Church Tongue (not too much, not too little, like a knee-length skirt).
Okay, This Viewer has made it five whole paragraphs without reference to Narnia and All Closets Associated Therewith. But we Just. Cannot. Do. It. Any. Longer. as The Pring is now shuffling around in the shoes searching for A Way Through. Go towards the light, Pringles!!!
One hard edit later, and Pringles has donned a skinny tie, even skinnier suit, and is now standing upon the hosed-down hearth, extolling his excitement with the opportunity to meet "The Girls." Chris Harrison pops out from behind a bush and suggests that we all waste some time getting to know a few of these contestants more personally. Cue the tape:
Desiree, or "Des" is a 26 year-old bridal consultant and hopeful dress designer. We don't want to like her, because we are creeped out by any woman who thinks its a good idea to put on a wedding dress in her in-depth interview, but for whatever reason, we like her despite it.
Tierra is a 24 year-old Leasing Consultant. She wistfully declares that she has "fallen in love, twice, and gotten her heart broken, twice" as she fingers the cross around her neck. We try to look away from the baby pacifiers she has attached to her ears, and notice that she is really pretty in a bump-shimmy kind of way. We look down at our mismatched socks and bitten nails. In the words of the Princess Diaries, in case this Viewer was not enough of a freak already, let's add a Tierra.
Robyn, a/k/a Michelle Obama, a 24-year-old african american oilfield consultant. We like that she is trying to learn Spanish by putting sticky notes with new words all over her house. We do not like that she can do handstands. Bitch.
Diana, a/k/a Priscilla Presley. She is a 30-year-old single mother and hairstylist from Utah. Her parting words: "Would you like a blow out today?"
Sarah, an advertising designer who was born with only one arm. We know that this is is supposed to be her big reveal, but we find it far more distracting that she squints constantly.
So to recap, and aside from the anomaly that is Tierra, we have (1) an artist, (2) a P.O.C., (3) a single mother, and (4) a woman with one arm. "It is like ABC's version of March of Dimes," we comment to our reluctant viewing companion, SKu. "You are going to hell for that statement," says she.
So we return to Ashley (the first of many), a 28-year-old hairstylist from Michigan that has "no idea why she is still single" because she has "actively searched for a boyfriend" while also being obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey. She hopes to bite her lip at Sean. She also hopes that he will rip her clothes off and spank her. We are traumatized.
Lesley, Kristy and AshLee follow. We know that Lesley is toast because she is a 25-year-old political consultant, and also, a Democrat. No amount of being from Arkansas is going to cancel her political affiliation out with Pringles, unless perhaps she is a Creationist. As for Kristy, this 25-year-old chicky is like Janice Dickinson - all legs and teeth and hair. She is apparently a Ford Model, and the "best in the midwest," whatever that means. Finally, AshLee is a 32-year-old professional organizer who bounced from foster home to foster home until being adopted into a pastor's family at age 6. We are so beyond excited to have a PK (preacher's kid) on the show that we cannot even tell you, though she will no doubt be eliminated for being over the age of 30.
As if this episode and all of its listy-ness isn't enough, the first Limo now arrives in "real time" as Pringles mumbles something about being "humbled" by the experience and looks like a deer in headlights. And in a steady stream, we meet:
1. AshLee, the PK, in a red boob bandage of a dress.
2. Jackie, a 25-year-old cosmetics consultant who informs Pringles that she is going to "make her mark" on him. We are terrified she is going to lift a leg, but she only puts a big lipstick swak on his cheek.
3. Selma, a 29-year-old real estate something-or-other that talks in a kind of groan and pulls tissue out of her chest to wipe off the swak.
4. Leslie, a 29-year-old poker dealer and P.O.C. We like her.
5. Daniella, a very blonde "commercial casting associate." "She's a gofer," says SKu, "I can translate these things."
6. Kelly, a 28-year-old cruise ship entertainer who looks exactly like This Viewer's old Angel Hair Barbie and sings in a horrible country cabaret:
Sean and Kelly has a nice ring to it.
So good in fact, I think I' gonna sing about it.
You're from Texas, I'm from Tennessee.
I"d love to take you home for my momma's sweet tea.
We are horrified, both for the song, and also by the memory of This Viewer's very own audition to be a cruise ship dancer 100 years ago. All we remember were the Wedge hair cuts, the Jazz Hands, the High Kicks, and how everyone took it so very seriously (which meant that this Viewer could not stop laughing). Oh, how different things might have been. .. .
So we continue with:
7. Katie/Edie Brickell, a 27-year-old yoga instructor from Texas. She's not aware of too many things, she knows what she knows, if you know what she means.
8. 50 Shades (Ashley). She pulls a grey necktie out of her cleavage and makes Pringles crumble a little. Okay people, this Viewer does not know much about the male psyche, but we are Pretty Sure that pulling kleenex and neckties and all manner of homemade Chicken Cutlet out of one's bra does not a turn-on make.
9. Taryn, a 30-year-old health club manager whose hair, skin color, or both are not found in nature.
10. Catherine, a 26-year-old graphic designer from Seattle. We like her (all of us).
11. The First Lady (Robyn), who attempts to do back walkovers to the Bachelor and falls on her butt in all her spangly glory.
"You've got to be shitting me," says SKu. Sadly, shit we not. But we are not done, for there is:
12. Lacey, a 24-year-old graduate student who is now pulling a lace triangle out of her bra that we swear she cut from cheapo Wal-Mart underpants. You know, so Pringles can "remember" her. OMG people what is up with pulling things out of your top??
13. Paige, a 24-year-old JumboTron Operator who was apparently on a show that we boycott, Bachelor Pad. We don't think she will get a rose because she informs Pringles of her prior contestantship.
14. Tierra, who bump shimmies out of the limo in black spangles and shows Pringles an "open heart" tattoo a la the necklace design hawked by Jane Seymour on her finger, noting that she needs a man to complete it. We are speechless, for we find the "open heart" design to look more like a little buttock than a heart. And also, a finger tattoo, really??? But Pringles is a speechless for other reasons, and immediately flees the scene. He begs with Chris Harrison to let him change the rules and and out a rose to her.
He returns: "You have such a sweet, exciting, positive energy!!" and gives her a rose. What he meant to say was "you look smokin in that dress, babe." But she giggles missishly anyway, and shimmies her way into the house with a wide-eyed declaration that all she did was say one sentence to him. The other women instantly hate her.
But we have a bunch more women to go, so we meet:
15. Amanda, a 26-year-old "Fit Model" in some weird black-top-long-white-skirt outfit who proposes an "awkward moment of silence" to get it out of the way.
16. Keriann, a 29-year-old "entrepreneur" who traveled over 2,700 miles to meet Pringles. Meh.
17. Desiree, who brought pennies with her to make a wish in the fountain at the mansion. Did this viewer mention we like her? We hope she saves herself by getting the axe.
18. Squints (Sarah), who declares that this is "exactly" how she thought she would find love.
19. Brooke, a 25-year-old P.O.C. with red hair and some sort of hairy feathery top. She floats up and aggressively gives Pringles a hug, terrifying him. There is no way that woman is getting a rose.
20. Diana the salon owner, in a fishtail braid and some sort of tank top.
21. Lesley The Democrat, with a football. She loses points for making him bend over to look at his tush.
22 . Janice Dickinson (Kristy), who once again reminds Pringles that she is the "Best in the Midwest."
23. Another Ashley - another model. Because this is real life.
24. Lauren, a 27-year-old journalist/bobblehead/self-professed bleach-blonde Italian who wants to feed Sean and also have her dad break his legs. and finally. . . .
25. Lindsay, a 24-year-old substitute teacher dressed like a Cake Topper, in a full-on wedding dress. We think she's drunk. She kisses Pringles. We think she's drunk and unhinged.
But then, SURPRISE, we are not done!!! Out pops a really long pair of legs, and it is Kacie B from season Buffaloed Ben (which we did not blog, for we were in Early Retirement). Apparently, she thought they "had something" when she previously met Pringles at some Bachelor-related event, and wants to give it a go.
Okay,we get it, ABC. After the last 1.5 hour long Parade of Horribles, we get that Sean is a leg man and therefore may not care much what is on top of said legs, either physically or mentally. But that does not mean that one has license to wear nothing but a slash of ill-fitting black mesh across exactly 1/2 of one's jubblies (and the inside 1/2 at that). We Hate This Dress (all of us). As Kacie B takes her mesh covered little lentils on a plate inside the house, we hope that we do not have to see much more of that as the evening wears on.
What follows is not worth writing about. There is cattyness, interspersed with various 1:1 times with Desiree, Kacie, and others. Suddenly, women start showing up with roses. The PK, Groaning Selma, Desiree, Edie Brickell, The First Lady, Jackie, and some other chick also are given roses as the night progresses. Other women inform Tierra that while she may have gotten the "first rose," it is not the "first impression rose" because all that can be said is that it was "first." Tierra fights back that others may have gotten roses, but hers is still special because all she said was "one sentence" before Pringles was swept away. Are we really having this discussion? Soon things dissolve into tears, as some wonder what's "wrong with them (Squints, Taryn) and others feel the pressure of not having a rose. 50 Shades gets drunk, booty dances for Sean, and then falls on the floor.
In the end, we lose track of which women have roses and which do not, but Pringles picks a few more to join the many he has handed out to join at least the ones described above:
1. Amanda in the horrible white skirt/black top
2. Lesley the Democrat.
3. Kacie B.
4. Janice Dickinson.
5. Daniella.
6. Taryn.
7. The Cake Topper, Lindsay.
As the others say their goodbyes, Ashley the model cries about lost love. Cruise Ship Kelly is "embarrassed that she's that girl that sang on the bachelor and got cut after 1 episode." Then maybe don't sing next time, girlie. JumboTron lady (Paige) is sad she's been on two shows and never gotten a rose. And finally, 50 Shades shows her ass tat, dances with her necktie, and concludes with "Mom, don't be mad."
Stay tuned for this season, which includes various beach and ice-like adventures.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 4:28 AM
3 Comments:
I. Am. Terrified.
ABe
The first episode is typically the worst episode of any Bachelor season. Once again, the BNU is better then the actual show. I only watch the show so that I may enjoy BNU to its fullest heights of humor. I am also no big fan of Sean. Just to bland.....and I'm an accountant!
The best part of the first episode was the Shades of Gray lady's walk of shame.
I am looking forward to a great season of BNU....hopefully ABC has given you worthy material.
Dear Accountant Friend: thanks for the kind words. May we raise our mini-bottles of wine to a noteworthy season! - KLo
Post a Comment
<< Home