Bachelor News Update

Monday, July 23, 2012

Dolly Pemily Part Finale & ATFR: The Man Who Will Fight For Her Honor Is . . .

"Let's get it started, HA." Says ABe.I.Am.  "Let's get it started In Here." 

And off we go to begin DP Part Finale. Except, Crisis: We missed the first 20 minutes of the episode.  Typically, this would not concern us because it would just be recaps and Chris Harrison giggling behind  his  hand.  But ABC has decided to Mix Things Up, and so as we turn on the television, and the date in which Jef(f) has met Dolly's family has ended!  And we are half way through the Date with Hot Wheels and the family!  Nooo!!.  

Relax, this is likely what happened in the first 20 minutes:  Jef(f) wore skinny jeans and his  hipster bouffant.  He was charming.  We liked him in spite of ourselves.  We met Mom, Dad, brother Ernie, who probably got beaten up in school with that name, and his wife/girlfriend/significant other.  All of whom were charming.  Jef(f) asked for permission to marry DP, and it was given.

See, now you are caught up.

So here we are still in Curacao, and now Hot Wheels is talking to DP's brother, Ernie, about the LAST TIME  he dated a single mom. We are not sure this is a good move.   Next up is Dad, who looks like J.R. from Dallas circa Our Childhood, listening to Hot Wheels profess his love of The Dolly.  But after Hot Wheels asks for Dad's blessing to marry Dolly Pemily, there is  . . . radio silence from Dad.  Hot Wheels' face completely falls, our heart breaks for him, and then we all breathe a sigh of relief when Dad says: "Well, you seem like a good guy. 'Specially whe you say you will work hard not to lose her.  That's a doggon' good place to start. So I will give you my blessing."

"I did not see that Dolly Pemily was a 'West Virginia Hood Rat' until this very moment," says KMu.

Suddenly, Dolly Pemily is kissing Hot Wheels goodbye.  Except we really aren't focusing anymore, because we are blinded by the dayglow crochet sundress that DP is wearing. ABe does not think it is that bad, but this viewer Objects.  Crochet does not belong On the Body, babies, unless it is a sweater. 

So, DP is confused and a little upset that her family is not telling her who to pick, as both gentlemen Are So Fabulous.  We secretly applaud this reserve, as one's family should not be deciding who a person marries. Then Mom, who has smoked more than a few cigarettes in her lifetime, takes Dolly aside for a fireside chat.  We love mom because she is wearing a red mumu, and therefore can be considered to Put Comfort First.  "I would suggest that you not get engaged. Just see how things work with Ricki first."  The Dolly starts to cry.

One hard edit later, and we are foist into a "live" viewing audience.  WTF?!? We fear that we are suddenly back at the Men Tell All until Chris Harrison says something about last dates with Jef(f) and Hot Wheels coming up.  Sweet Jesus in the Desert.  We are watching a taped show of a live studio audience watching a taped show of what once happened live.  We search the table for some wine.

But now DP is with Ricki, asking her whether she wants to help her mother get ready for her date or play some more.  "Play some more" says Ricki.   We wish she would have picked the former, because when we first see Dolly Pemily walking towards Jef(f) on their final date, we see some sort of black stringy top in the back, and thick black waistband, and neon lime green mini-towel covered in a long slit of neon lime green World of No.

"Oh. My. God." says ABe.  "I thought that was some sort of S&M thing at first."

Jef(f) and the Dolly sit on the beach and have an awkward conversation:
Jef(f):  What are you thinking about?
DP: "Oh, how I don't want to hurt anybody . . . This is stressful" [and I like talking and not talking, soup]
Jef(f):  Well, I am not stressed.  I am very clear in my mind about this. But you  know, I have not met Ricki. 

Once again, Jef(f) for the win.  He encourages her to let him meet Ricki, as that is important to him to make sure this is all going to work. She incoherently stumbles about not having planned to introduce Ricki to either of the final guys.  Finally, Jef(f) gently points out that, if their positions were reversed, wouldn't she feel weird about meeting someone so important and perfect for her, and thinking about marrying that person, never having met his daughter?  We at the BNU love that Jef(f) does not simply assume Ricki will be cool with whatever her mother decides to do.

Dolly Pemily concedes, puts a denim shirt over the heinous neon & black contraption, and they go to the house where DP and Ricki have been staying.   Oh, to be the unsuspecting babysitter sitting by the pool as Ricki plays, not realizing that they are both being furtively watched through the slats of the blind.

"So, is she going to let him meet her, or just look at her through the blinds?' asks KMu.  We turn to KMu and gasp.  Gentle readers, we have a WOMAN DOWN.   Lo, for she is holding All Manner of Washcloth to her nose, and has informed the remainder of the BNU staff that EMu likely broke KMu's nose as she was putting EMu down to sleep.  That's right: The #1 baby-related injury occurring to parents of toddlers just happened at the BNU.  But fortified with ice cubes, KMu is determined to Soldier On.  The remainder of the evening will be spent casting furtive worried looks across the sofa.

Ricki has a "who the f*ck are you" look on her face as Dolly Pemily introduces Ricki to "her friend Jef(f)."  Our heart breaks for the little girl, as we see a fleeting look of "uh oh what does this mean" cross her eyes.  But then things improve, as Jef(f) convinces Ricki to let Jef(f) wear her pink goggles and they goof off together in the pool.  In the end, Ricki is giggling about her stuffed animals, one of which has eaten too many cheetos, and they are letting hermit crabs loose in the sand.  Ricki is wondering if Jef(f) will come back the next day to play, and Dolly Pemily is positively glowing, as Jef(f) walks away to get ready for dinner.

"There's is a calm love," states KMu sagely from behind her icepack.  Well, one doesn't want it to be like "Oh, HEEEAAAATHCLIFFF!!!" thinks this Viewer.

At dinner, Dolly Pemily is wearing a rosary with a Star of David dangling off the end of it around her neck.  Way to walk the line, Dolly.  As DP and Jef(f) laugh and talk on the sofa, he says "I have a gift for you."
"Book of Mormon?" wonders ABe.
No no, it is a book about Curacao.  "Meh," thinks this Viewer, until Jef(f) shows Dolly Pemily that he has drawn them, stick-figure style, into all sorts of the pictures:  snorkeling, sitting on a sofa, at the beach. 

Okay, this is the Best. Gift. Ever.  This Viewer gives up and falls a little in love with Jef(f).

Suddenly, here is Chris Harris again.  And now he is asking some woman named "Paisley" from the viewing audience what she thinks about Jef(f).  "Oh, Jeff is very genuine, natural, blah blah" says she.  We wonder where her brother, Plaid, is.   But Chris Harrison is not done with time-filling interviews from the taped live audience, because now a second woman is telling him how she can relate to DP, and there's no faster way to a woman's heart than a man who will love both her and her children. And then finally, Madonna circa Desperately Seeking Susan is tittering about how she hopes DP picks Hot Wheels, so that Jef(f) can be left for the rest of America.  

At this, two thoughts jumble together in this viewer's brain:  (1) Who told this woman that a black bra would not show through a yellow linen shirt, and (2) WHY IN TEN YEARS HAS THIS VIEWER NOT MANAGED TO FINAGLE HER WAY INTO A LIVE VIEWING AUDIENCE.  Babies, one day, the entire BNU staff is going to Go On A Fieldtrip. You know, for research.

And then:  we are faced with an Iguana.  WTF.  But Chris Harrison has made his way from our live viewing audience into the taped version of the live show that said audience is presenty watching. Dolly Pemily wants to see him because She Is Torn.  Last week, she didn't know what she was going to do, but seeing Jef(f) play with Ricki made it click in her mind:  She wants to be with him. . . but she has a date with Hot Wheels coming up. What ever will she do?  We feel bad for her and understand the horrible nature of the break up that is about to ensue . . and then. . .

We see Hot Wheels, cheerfully making a Love Potion with the help of a P.O.C. named "Dinah" at "Dinah's Botanical Garden" as he talks about how he will propose the following day.  ABe just threw up her wine.  We want to scream through the television, "No, Hot Wheels! Don't do it!" for as soon as he touches that "thing guaranteed to symbolize love" he will join the ranks of Joe VanDerBeek, Travis w/o the egg, Data, and all the other castaways whose dates involve locks/notes/clocks/gates of love, and so forth.  

But he doesn't listen to us.  Or, at first, Dolly Pemily.  When he sees her, he says, "that's a lovely necklace.  Is it a penis?"  We rewind.  Phoenix, PHOENIX.  Well, that makes a world of difference.

But DP is crying already, and leads him over to a strategically placed love seat for a talk. "I always thought it was going to be you, from our first date, but. . " And he's all "you don't have to say anything more."  And he gives her a kiss on the cheek, and starts to walk away. Dolly Pemily chases after him with a lame "wait. . . " and he shows a little more snap, saying "what do you want from me? I can't give you the goodbye you are looking for.  Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of tomorrow."  He gives her a hug, and gets in the car.

Considering that his heart is obviously shattered, we think he handled that pretty well.  We at the BNU salute you, Hot Wheels.  As he flees the scene, Hot Wheels says that DP is the love of his life, and that he is confused and feels like he misjudged the situation.  We feel bad for Hot Wheels -- truly bad -- as apparently does the live/taped viewing audience, who is silently stricken and crying.

And because this is the Worst Possible Moment Ever, Chris Harrison decides to interrupt our sadness for Hot Wheels with some pointless interviews with some former cast members about how they think Dolly Pemily and Hot Wheels must be Feeling Right Now:  The Dentist, J.P. , Double D, Michael Stagliano, and the Nanny from season Wombat, wearing a white and terrible bandaid of a dress.  We do not care what these people have to say.  And also, we hate the Nanny's dress.

Thank God for Neil Lane to bring us back from this nightmare.  We have returned to Curacao, and Dolly Pemily is preparing for the final rose ceremony, while recapping her relationship with Jef(f). 
"Oh, the dumb f*cking puppets," says ABe. 
Meanwhile, Neil Lane is advising Jef(f) that a ring "really cements the deal."  After Jef(f) picks out a giant and impractical ring, he is seen wandering the beach in pegged pants before preparing for The Event by draping himself in his special Skinny Tie.  Dolly Pemily, meanwhile, is putting on a gladiator chest piece a/k/a pink dress.  We at the BNU really do not like this dress.  It is fine, or at least better than the neon S&M monstrosity.  But ABe keeps wondering if The Dolly is preparing for battle.

Blah blah, Jef(f) walks the Green Mile to the platform where DP is standing.  Blah blah, she says she loves him (during ongoing voice overs of her saying "I don't know if i will accept if he proposes, if I'm ready for that step).  Blah blah, he describes her as "my everything," asks if she will allow him to be a part of her and Ricki's lives, proposes, and . .. she says yes.   The live taped viewing audience is clapping.  Except WE are not, because this is happening;

"Tonight it's very clear. . . .as we're both standing here. . there's so many things I want to say.  I will always love you. . . I will never leave you . . alone. . . I AM A MAN. WHO WOULD FIGHT. FOR YOUR HONOR. . I'LL BE THE HERO.  YOU'RE DREAMING OF. "

We LOVE us some Peter Cetera.  We sing.  ABe sings.  KMu sings through her ice pack, as she eases two aspirin down her throat with a swig directly from the wine bottle.  Stay classy, BNU.

Bur now we are at the After the Final Rose Bonus Third Hour of the show where we want to stab our eyes out.   So we are going to make this short:

(1) Hot Wheels comes on stage, having now adopted his own skinny-tie look, and is all worlds of gracious.  He was heart broken, needed closure, and so took a plane to see DP in Charlotte before thinking the better of it.  He never ended up seeing her, because he realized that would be a mistake and respected everyone else involved too much. But, he did end up speaking with Jef(f) on the phone (who happened to be Hot Wheels best friend in the house), and that helped.  Hot Wheels also left his journal for DP to read, so that she might understand his love for her.

Gentle readers, if this viewer kicks the bucket, she has instructed her husband to BURN her journals.  We do not know what Hot Wheels is thinking.

(2) Dolly Pemily takes the stage in stripper heels.  She has not read Hot Wheels' journal, as that is personal to Hot Wheels.  He is a little hurt, but handles it reasonably well.  They have some sort of closure .

(3) Jef(f) comes out, and he and DP look stupid happy together.  We secretly think this is probably one of the happiest, most comfortable-looking couple we have seen come on AFTFR.  Babies, Jef(f) is moving to Charlotte so that Ricki can remain in school with her friends and around her family.  He is getting a separate place down there, and they are planning a wedding. We are a little impressed by him, as he is the only male contestant that this Viewer can recall ever moving for the woman to whom he has become engaged.

And with that, we at the BNU will rest our fingers until next season.  And god help us, if the next Bachelor is Sean, we will Take No Prisoners.

-KLo

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aside from feeling silly, giddy joy for the happy couple (yes, seriously), am even MORE thrilled (and relieved) that the BNU will be back next season (was dreading possibility that the BNU was out of retirement for Dolly Pemily and Dolly Pemily only). Thank you! Hope KMu is alright.

8:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A lousy final episode but at last, maybe a happy (fairly) normal couple! The most interesting tidbit to come out of last night was the fact that the BNu team is considering an ABC field trip. I'm in, assuming my boss can find someone to sub for my spot manning the drive thru window.

Great season BNu. It's great to have you back and I'm looking forward to next season.

8:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good times and great update, KLo! I'm fine, everyone, but thanks for worrying!
--KMu

10:23 AM  

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