Dolly Pemily Part 9: Intimate Time
As we think about Dolly Pemily Part 9, we can only conclude: "meh." We begin with an overt plug for American Airlines, as The Dolly touches down in Curacao for the Week of Overnight Shame. She soon wanders aimlessly in the sand with sundress trailing behind, woriting over the "three greatest guys" ("except Sean," whispers ABe) remaining, and whether or not they will be interested in her. Seriously. Suddenly, she is perched on the rocks, and recapping her relationships with all three. Except we don't care anymore because we are wondering if she wants to be where the people are, and if she wants to, wants to see them dancing.
After said Recaps (which we at the BNU abhor and thus do not report), we bear witness to one of the more ridiculous moments of beachwriting Heretofore Seen on the Bachelor. Lo, for DP has written "Emily plus ?" in the sand . . soon to simply say "Erm" as the waves wash it away. We share a moment of silence in honor of Ephemeral Romance.
Suddenly, Good God. Sean has presented himself, waxed chest on display in a V-neck down to his navel and coral shorts. KMu chokes. We would choke too, if we were not so desperately bored already, and unable to summon the effort. Surprise! They are going to explore Curacao via helicopter. Sean says quite a lot of things during this trip, generally along the lines of "we are floating. Over Curacao. Taking in a. beautiful sight. What better way to do that than. with a. beautiful woman." Sigh. And then: double surprise! They are going to a private island, Just For Them.
This viewer is having flashbacks to Season Wombat, and All Private Islands Associated Therewith. Surely, surely The Dolly cannot think this is date a good idea, having already shared stilted conversation with a neanderthal on a private island previously. But, apparently, she does. And for the next 5 minutes, we bear witness to a conversation along the following lines:
Dolly Pemily: "So, why did your family say you tend to treat girls you date like buddies?" [RUN, Dolly, RUN.]
Sean: " I think I mainly did that with my one three year relationship. Because I knew I didn't want to marry her. She would bring up marriage all the time, and I would just deviate."
DP: "So, how do you feel about me?"
Sean: "Let's go snorkeling."
All of this occurs in conjunction with a steady stream of television confessional from Sean: "I want. So desperately to. Open up to her and tell her how I am feeling."
Soon we are at dinner, and she is saying that he is perfection, and he is saying no no, he's not perfect and oh, by the way, "no one I have ever dated has 'measured up' the way you have." That's because you are chasing the Wild Asparagus, f*ckwit.
And then this happens: " I wrote Ricki a letter."
Yeeesssss. We at the BNU *love* a heartfelt note.
Sean reads something along the lines of: "Dear Ricki. I wrote this note before meeting you. . I will never try to replace your father. But you will be a daughter to me. I hope to shower you with the unconditional love that my father has shown me by loving your mother" or something. ABe and this viewer sit quietely on the sofa, taking it all in. "He has 4th grade girl handwriting," she says finally. And that about sums it up.
So the date ends with a Sean and the DP lounging on a candlelit beach, as he tries Every High School Way to Express Feelings Known to Man: He is "crazy about" her, babies. He is "ready to take the next step." Oh, and did he mention that he "doesn't see love any differently than proposing" (Dear Sean, one is a feeling, one is an action that results in 50% divorce). But Sean "can't stop thinking" about DP. He "can't picture himself without" her. And the Piece de Resistance: "never in a million years did I think I would have these feelings."
Finally, FINALLY, Sean confesses that he has "fallen in love with" her. Yet only his arm moves to awkwardly paw her thigh, as they kiss in the moonlight before heading to a hot tub. Gentle readers, he "wants to open up to her and for her to open up to me and to have that Intimate Time" We silently thank god for DP's morals, as she sends him home from the overnight suite without letting him stay the night.
Here is our thing about Sean (All of Us): He is trying to pretend to be the man he hasn't yet grown into. Cut Him Loose.
As we prepare for Round Two with Jef(f), PMu comes from the kitchen with a welcome sight: "Here's some wine for the winos," says he. "Some girls have a book club. Some have the Bachelor." No truer words have ever been spoken.
Thus fortified, we turn our attention back to the Twin Horrors that are the hair of Dolly Pemily and Jef(f). We already know that Jef(f) cuts his hair with a Flowbee. But in preparation for their date, gentle viewers, Dolly has chosen to french braid 1/3 of her head. And while this is intended to be a Subtle Nod to Beauty, nothing quite works out that way when one is At the Beach. In sum, homegirl looks like she's got her wig on backwards.
But this date is already thousands of miles advanced from that with Sean. As they prepare to board a private sailboat, Jef(f) notes that he wants to meet Ricki in order to determine whether they would work, as a family. For, he "feels like this is coming together like a crazy painting that I didn't understand at first. I was just seeing the beginnings of it. But as I've seen it develop and take a step back, it's a masterpiece."
Ahahaaaa. Jef(f) better damn well hope he's not stepped into the land of cubism.
In the end, we hold These Truths To Be Self Evident about the Jef(f) - DP overnight date:
1. We don't like DP's bikini bottoms, which look suspiciously like "Oops I Crapped My Pants" pants.
2. DP's dress at dinner is going to give us a seizure, so heavy, beaded, and complicated it is.
3. Jef(f). FOR THE WIN.
For Jef(f) is actually asking DP questions. Serious questions about where she would want them to live, why her prior relationships have not worked out, and whether she believes he would be a good father to Ricki, and WHY. We are speechless. This has never before happened on The Bachelor. We rail against womens' general willingness to uproot for a man when The Dolly breathlessly says she would be happy to live wherever Jef(f) lives. Nonetheless, we at the BNU have never seen a male contestant pay more than lipservice to these issues, and certainly never to follow up with a "why."
Damn Jef(f) and his hipster jeans for winning us over.
And when the overnight card comes, Jef(f) actually TURNS IT DOWN because both of their families are watching, and he knows she is wanting to be a role model to Ricki. "I plan to spend every night with you, in our own fantasy suite," says he. "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's time for us to bridle these passions."
Sayeth KMu: "I can't believe he just said 'bridle.'
But the DP wants to ride her some sidesaddle, as she convinces Jef(f) to go to a bedroom full of dead animal skins to "talk" at least for awhile, before shoving him out the door. We look in vain for The Kitty, but alas, ABC apparently does not use Stock Pieces when it can decorate with the Real Thing.
Finally, we are on Date #3 with Hot Wheels, who has managed to make at least two driving analogies in the first five second of this date: his heart is "racing," and he's excited to see "the finish line." We don't really know what to say about this date. Dolly Pemily has the hots for Hot Wheels, and spends almost all of the date kissing him. Even she admits that when they are not talking, they are kissing. Secretly, this viewer doesn't think that's such a bad way to go.
However, we do understand DP's desire to inject some Real Life into their date, and what better way to do that than taking a catamaran to swim with the dolphins! The Dolly is terrified of said dolphins, and takes it as a good sign that Hot Wheels is so 'protective' of her because he is "not afraid of anything."
"THEY ARE DOLPHINS," says KMu. Still, this viewer can't but feel that DP has a point, as we are also afraid of All Animals Most Likely to Be Depicted in Tattoo Form.
At dinner, The Dolly struggles with whether or not there is more than just Crazy Chemistry between them. Thus, she asks him what a typical day is like, when he is not racing. Gentle readers, he gets up at 9. He might go to the shop before coming home from work approximately 6 p.m., and then he goes out for dinner almost every night with friends. We immediately think "damn Europeans/why do they have to have such a healthy approach to life," while also thinking of our own new resolve to wake up at 4:50 a.m. in order to Stave Off the Ravages of Time through a sedate walk before work, which has thus far been Wholly Unsuccessful in Staving Off Said Ravages.
Dolly Pemily is so overcome with her attraction to Hot Wheels that she does not even offer Hot Wheels the fantasy suite card, at risk that it would lead to improprieties. Thus, this date mercifully ends with a steamy kiss.
So, the remainder of this episode -- and we are talking full on 45 minutes, babies -- is about Dolly Pemily's angst in sending one suitor home. We are at the rose ceremony, and DP is wearing boudoir fringe on a fish tail masquerading as a skirt, topped with a cotton tank top and candy necklace. We actually feel bad for her, as Chris Harrison tries his best to make her cry: "You know this is almost over. Like, we are HERE. There is no more rose ceremony after tonight. Hopefully, there will be a proposal coming out of this in a week."
We are sad for DP, and trying to pay attention to her deliberation, and feeling like she is a truly classy lady. Except we have a problem. And that problem is the Vagina Chairs into which ABC has placed DP and The Harrison for this discussion. We. Cannot. Look. Away.
Thank god that The Dolly finally gets up from said chair to watch Video Messages from the three remaining Knights: Sean again saying that "never in a million years" did he expect to feel this way, and that he cannot see life without her. Jef(f), proclaiming that when he was on the ferris wheel in London, he never wanted to come down. And when he was on the floor in Dubrovnik (you know, with the puppets), he never wanted to come up. Oh, how he wants to defend, protect, and make DP laugh, and to be a family with Ricki. And finally Hot Wheels, who claims to have "known we would be in for a wild ride" when he "looked into her big brown eyes."
At last, she walks out to the rose ceremony. And, as John Tesh plays in the background, she picks:
1. Jef(f)
2. Hot Wheels.
We are not surprised at this at all. Sean, however, is. And for the first time, we at the BNU believe he actually displays his real emotions, rather than the emotions he is trying to emulate, as he rides off in the limo: For lo, when DP walked out tonight, he thought to himself "that's my wife," and never anticipated that this would be coming. We feel bad for him, but figure he will bounce back just fine as he concludes his exit interview with the generic "I want to love someone. . . "
Stay tuned for next week, and the dreaded "Men Tell All" Parade of Horribles. We will be drinking heavily for that one, babies.
-KLo.
After said Recaps (which we at the BNU abhor and thus do not report), we bear witness to one of the more ridiculous moments of beachwriting Heretofore Seen on the Bachelor. Lo, for DP has written "Emily plus ?" in the sand . . soon to simply say "Erm" as the waves wash it away. We share a moment of silence in honor of Ephemeral Romance.
Suddenly, Good God. Sean has presented himself, waxed chest on display in a V-neck down to his navel and coral shorts. KMu chokes. We would choke too, if we were not so desperately bored already, and unable to summon the effort. Surprise! They are going to explore Curacao via helicopter. Sean says quite a lot of things during this trip, generally along the lines of "we are floating. Over Curacao. Taking in a. beautiful sight. What better way to do that than. with a. beautiful woman." Sigh. And then: double surprise! They are going to a private island, Just For Them.
This viewer is having flashbacks to Season Wombat, and All Private Islands Associated Therewith. Surely, surely The Dolly cannot think this is date a good idea, having already shared stilted conversation with a neanderthal on a private island previously. But, apparently, she does. And for the next 5 minutes, we bear witness to a conversation along the following lines:
Dolly Pemily: "So, why did your family say you tend to treat girls you date like buddies?" [RUN, Dolly, RUN.]
Sean: " I think I mainly did that with my one three year relationship. Because I knew I didn't want to marry her. She would bring up marriage all the time, and I would just deviate."
DP: "So, how do you feel about me?"
Sean: "Let's go snorkeling."
All of this occurs in conjunction with a steady stream of television confessional from Sean: "I want. So desperately to. Open up to her and tell her how I am feeling."
Soon we are at dinner, and she is saying that he is perfection, and he is saying no no, he's not perfect and oh, by the way, "no one I have ever dated has 'measured up' the way you have." That's because you are chasing the Wild Asparagus, f*ckwit.
And then this happens: " I wrote Ricki a letter."
Yeeesssss. We at the BNU *love* a heartfelt note.
Sean reads something along the lines of: "Dear Ricki. I wrote this note before meeting you. . I will never try to replace your father. But you will be a daughter to me. I hope to shower you with the unconditional love that my father has shown me by loving your mother" or something. ABe and this viewer sit quietely on the sofa, taking it all in. "He has 4th grade girl handwriting," she says finally. And that about sums it up.
So the date ends with a Sean and the DP lounging on a candlelit beach, as he tries Every High School Way to Express Feelings Known to Man: He is "crazy about" her, babies. He is "ready to take the next step." Oh, and did he mention that he "doesn't see love any differently than proposing" (Dear Sean, one is a feeling, one is an action that results in 50% divorce). But Sean "can't stop thinking" about DP. He "can't picture himself without" her. And the Piece de Resistance: "never in a million years did I think I would have these feelings."
Finally, FINALLY, Sean confesses that he has "fallen in love with" her. Yet only his arm moves to awkwardly paw her thigh, as they kiss in the moonlight before heading to a hot tub. Gentle readers, he "wants to open up to her and for her to open up to me and to have that Intimate Time" We silently thank god for DP's morals, as she sends him home from the overnight suite without letting him stay the night.
Here is our thing about Sean (All of Us): He is trying to pretend to be the man he hasn't yet grown into. Cut Him Loose.
As we prepare for Round Two with Jef(f), PMu comes from the kitchen with a welcome sight: "Here's some wine for the winos," says he. "Some girls have a book club. Some have the Bachelor." No truer words have ever been spoken.
Thus fortified, we turn our attention back to the Twin Horrors that are the hair of Dolly Pemily and Jef(f). We already know that Jef(f) cuts his hair with a Flowbee. But in preparation for their date, gentle viewers, Dolly has chosen to french braid 1/3 of her head. And while this is intended to be a Subtle Nod to Beauty, nothing quite works out that way when one is At the Beach. In sum, homegirl looks like she's got her wig on backwards.
But this date is already thousands of miles advanced from that with Sean. As they prepare to board a private sailboat, Jef(f) notes that he wants to meet Ricki in order to determine whether they would work, as a family. For, he "feels like this is coming together like a crazy painting that I didn't understand at first. I was just seeing the beginnings of it. But as I've seen it develop and take a step back, it's a masterpiece."
Ahahaaaa. Jef(f) better damn well hope he's not stepped into the land of cubism.
In the end, we hold These Truths To Be Self Evident about the Jef(f) - DP overnight date:
1. We don't like DP's bikini bottoms, which look suspiciously like "Oops I Crapped My Pants" pants.
2. DP's dress at dinner is going to give us a seizure, so heavy, beaded, and complicated it is.
3. Jef(f). FOR THE WIN.
For Jef(f) is actually asking DP questions. Serious questions about where she would want them to live, why her prior relationships have not worked out, and whether she believes he would be a good father to Ricki, and WHY. We are speechless. This has never before happened on The Bachelor. We rail against womens' general willingness to uproot for a man when The Dolly breathlessly says she would be happy to live wherever Jef(f) lives. Nonetheless, we at the BNU have never seen a male contestant pay more than lipservice to these issues, and certainly never to follow up with a "why."
Damn Jef(f) and his hipster jeans for winning us over.
And when the overnight card comes, Jef(f) actually TURNS IT DOWN because both of their families are watching, and he knows she is wanting to be a role model to Ricki. "I plan to spend every night with you, in our own fantasy suite," says he. "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's time for us to bridle these passions."
Sayeth KMu: "I can't believe he just said 'bridle.'
But the DP wants to ride her some sidesaddle, as she convinces Jef(f) to go to a bedroom full of dead animal skins to "talk" at least for awhile, before shoving him out the door. We look in vain for The Kitty, but alas, ABC apparently does not use Stock Pieces when it can decorate with the Real Thing.
Finally, we are on Date #3 with Hot Wheels, who has managed to make at least two driving analogies in the first five second of this date: his heart is "racing," and he's excited to see "the finish line." We don't really know what to say about this date. Dolly Pemily has the hots for Hot Wheels, and spends almost all of the date kissing him. Even she admits that when they are not talking, they are kissing. Secretly, this viewer doesn't think that's such a bad way to go.
However, we do understand DP's desire to inject some Real Life into their date, and what better way to do that than taking a catamaran to swim with the dolphins! The Dolly is terrified of said dolphins, and takes it as a good sign that Hot Wheels is so 'protective' of her because he is "not afraid of anything."
"THEY ARE DOLPHINS," says KMu. Still, this viewer can't but feel that DP has a point, as we are also afraid of All Animals Most Likely to Be Depicted in Tattoo Form.
At dinner, The Dolly struggles with whether or not there is more than just Crazy Chemistry between them. Thus, she asks him what a typical day is like, when he is not racing. Gentle readers, he gets up at 9. He might go to the shop before coming home from work approximately 6 p.m., and then he goes out for dinner almost every night with friends. We immediately think "damn Europeans/why do they have to have such a healthy approach to life," while also thinking of our own new resolve to wake up at 4:50 a.m. in order to Stave Off the Ravages of Time through a sedate walk before work, which has thus far been Wholly Unsuccessful in Staving Off Said Ravages.
Dolly Pemily is so overcome with her attraction to Hot Wheels that she does not even offer Hot Wheels the fantasy suite card, at risk that it would lead to improprieties. Thus, this date mercifully ends with a steamy kiss.
So, the remainder of this episode -- and we are talking full on 45 minutes, babies -- is about Dolly Pemily's angst in sending one suitor home. We are at the rose ceremony, and DP is wearing boudoir fringe on a fish tail masquerading as a skirt, topped with a cotton tank top and candy necklace. We actually feel bad for her, as Chris Harrison tries his best to make her cry: "You know this is almost over. Like, we are HERE. There is no more rose ceremony after tonight. Hopefully, there will be a proposal coming out of this in a week."
We are sad for DP, and trying to pay attention to her deliberation, and feeling like she is a truly classy lady. Except we have a problem. And that problem is the Vagina Chairs into which ABC has placed DP and The Harrison for this discussion. We. Cannot. Look. Away.
Thank god that The Dolly finally gets up from said chair to watch Video Messages from the three remaining Knights: Sean again saying that "never in a million years" did he expect to feel this way, and that he cannot see life without her. Jef(f), proclaiming that when he was on the ferris wheel in London, he never wanted to come down. And when he was on the floor in Dubrovnik (you know, with the puppets), he never wanted to come up. Oh, how he wants to defend, protect, and make DP laugh, and to be a family with Ricki. And finally Hot Wheels, who claims to have "known we would be in for a wild ride" when he "looked into her big brown eyes."
At last, she walks out to the rose ceremony. And, as John Tesh plays in the background, she picks:
1. Jef(f)
2. Hot Wheels.
We are not surprised at this at all. Sean, however, is. And for the first time, we at the BNU believe he actually displays his real emotions, rather than the emotions he is trying to emulate, as he rides off in the limo: For lo, when DP walked out tonight, he thought to himself "that's my wife," and never anticipated that this would be coming. We feel bad for him, but figure he will bounce back just fine as he concludes his exit interview with the generic "I want to love someone. . . "
Stay tuned for next week, and the dreaded "Men Tell All" Parade of Horribles. We will be drinking heavily for that one, babies.
-KLo.
posted by KLo @ 4:41 AM
1 Comments:
I now know why I was single until age 35. I never took my (now) wife on a picnic nor did I ever write and read some sappy love letter. I'm sure if I had, my wife would have suspected me of cheating on her, or maybe breaking her stupid crystal bell that her college sweetheart gave her. I like DP and I feel sorry for her, I don't know why. I also feel sorry for myself as I'm addicted to this show....made all the better by BNU. Loved the write up.
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