Dolly Pemily Part Men Tell All
Babies, we despise the Tell All Episode, whether it be Men or Women doing the telling. And were it not for running into our friend AHeNi in the grocery store parking lot minutes before the start, bottle of cheap wine in one fist and cheap sushi in the other, we are not entirely certain we would have Made It to the BNU headquarters without doing a U-turn and heading back home. But she said "go, go!!" and so we did.
Predictably, the beginning of this episode is a pre-taped interview with Dolly Pemily as we relive some of the "characters" with whom she/we have been forced to put up. Here is Hulk and his comments about not gaining weight after marriage, Colon with his helicopters and dramatic exit, Dong and his lack of kissuition. We drain our first glass of wine and look bleakly out at the audience. Or we would, if "GuessWhatANewCarDealershipJustOpenedandYouMustComeHereRight
Now!!!" stationary spot lights were not blinding us from behind Chris Harrison. "Next year, they're going to have one of those blow up gumby things," mutters KMu. We secretly think that would be *awesome.*
Our mind wanders and we force it back for some "Unseen Moments" that we are supposed to cherish. Did you know, gentle readers, that Dolly Pemily dropped champagne on her If-I-was-a-princess-my-name-would-be-RosePetal-LadyFlower dress during her date with Joe VanDerBeek? No? We all breathe a sigh of relief when whe says that the stain dried and her relationship [with the dress] continued. But soon, we are drinking again because she is singing "Twinkle Twinkle" to Travis' egg, in an Unseen Moment of them putting the egg to bed. We are rapidly concluding that these are Unseen Moments Which Can Be Left Unseen, until we learn that Hot Wheels' teenage twin brothers spied on them kissing during DP's meet the family date. "She's a beauty," said one. Ahaaaa, we love Hot Wheels' brothers. And then this happens:
"I can do the running man," says DP.
STOP THE PRESSES. This viewer LOVES a Running Man. And in fact can make said Man run down the hallway, across the street, and all manner of Other Distances. It is our only useful skill. As Dolly Pemily promises to do the Running Man on After the Final Rose, we think things might be picking up.
And then: No, no they are not. For we must suffer through an extended Promotional for a show which we (All of Us) boycott: Bachelor Pad. And we do not care if this "fun filled, sexy" new season includes (a) Ed Swiderski, (b) Le Ca, (c) Ross from Friends, and (d) Hugh Hefner's girlfriends. In addition, and for good measure, we do not care that CorpChris is shown to be hooking up with not one, but THREE women in this particular promo, and comparing acquiring a new "girl" to "that new car smell." We at the BNU always knew you to be a scumbag, CorpChris.
Finally, we are meeting the Men Who Are About to Tell All: Some dude named Randy, Joe VanDerBeek, Charlie, Ducky, Latin, Travis without the Egg, Pretty Michael, Other Latin, some dude named Nate, Hulk, Data, Mr. Wood, Dong, Colon, CorpChris, Sean, and probably some others that we are seeing for the first time.
"This is the worst show ever," says ABe.
It really is. Because now we have to hear each of their experiences exiting the limo on the first night because "when there are 25 guys and one hot blonde, it's a recipe for" drama, jealousy, and crazy. That's right, babies; The "manclaws" come out. And now we see flashbacks of Dong being upset, and of Data concluding (about Colon): "I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you are a dude, you're an asshole." But CorpChris, from the peanut gallery, is now declaring that he "cared about that girl so much. I admit I was childish, but it's only because I wanted to take her home and show her my family, who I am." And what better way to show your total devastation at getting the axe, then taking three new cars for a test drive, so to speak.
Colon takes the "Hot Seat." During this interview, we learn that he had determined that he did not want to be a stepfather but came on the show/chose to stay anyway because he felt it would be less gentlemanly to drop out than to repeatedly insult DP on national television. Oh, and also, his comments about baggage and general asshatery were simply a reflection of his "humor" and the strains of the "environment." Because, "unlike other people in America," he "doesn't sugarcoat." He really is a vile, smallminded little coin purse of a man.
Next up: Hulk. Who is orange, babies, ORANGE. And here we are, flashing back to his relationship, and the International Male tank top, and the comments about wanting to be the next bachelor. As we watch DP cut him again, CorpChris heckles "see ya" from the stage. Really, CorpChris??? Hulk is now talking about his "many worldly gifts" and how he "found his journal the other day, and recalled how excited he was to meet Emily. But it never was about Emily for me. It was about finding my wife."
This viewer pretty much stopped listening after learning Hulk kept a journal. Oh, if pens could talk.
But suddenly, CorpChris is heckling again:
Hulk: I am looking. . .
CorpChris: I just want to say. . .
Hulk: What do you. .
CorpChris: I'm trying to
Hulk: What are you
CorpChris. . I'm trying to say
Hulk: Go ahead and talk then
CorpChris: I just want to say that BEYONCE HAD THE BEST MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL TIME, PEOPLE. ALL TIME.
Ok, that last part was KMu, but you get the picture.
But we are not done with CorpChris, because now HE takes the ridiculous "Hot Seat." We instantly drain glass No. 2. We are so sick of CorpChris right now and his bad attitude and rude departure that we actually appreciate The Harrison for asking: "So. . . do you anger easily?" Which, of course, he does not because, babies, he is really not an Angry Man, but a Misunderstood One. Everything he does, he does for a reason.
Finally, Sean is in the Hot Seat. We don't hear the first part of this interview as (a) ABe is excited to have finally identified the lone P.O.C. in the audience, and (b) closed captioning is saying "EZ. EZ. WOWEEZZ." Which we do not feel at all, because we are being forced to watch Sean & DP's special moments and to hear how much he learned from her and how he is "now open to finding love. Hopefully, it will come around sooner rather than later." Babies, he wants to be the next Bachelor and is campaigning hard. And if that happens, this viewer will stab her eyes out.
At last, Dolly Pemily takes the stage in a hot pink bandaid. If this viewer wore that dress, we would look like a poison berry. But DP can carry it off because she did not make the unwise choice to become a lawyer, and has therefore not turned into a Fat White Albino.
But you know, we really like DP anyway. She is admitting to doing the "ugly cry" when she saw the episode with Sean, and laughing about awkward moments on the show, and then fileting Colon. While this is All Manner of Awesome, we select only the following to report here:
DP, regarding the disclosure, by Dong, of the baggage comment: "I could be engaged to Colon right now, and thank God for Dong."
The Harrison: "Do you really think that would have happened?"
DP: "No."
For the Win.
Finally, and after our ears have almost bled dry, we are treated to some bloopers which include the disclosure that Dolly Pemily "likes guys who are tattoed, maybe a little homeless looking." So basically, DP is like this viewer in college, before we learned that Presence and Cleanliness are much better basic requirements.
Stay tuned for next week, when, in a special Sunday night finale, we must sit through three hours of tears and emotional drainage before learning whether Neil Lane will put a ring on it, once again.
-Til then, Babies.
KLo.
Predictably, the beginning of this episode is a pre-taped interview with Dolly Pemily as we relive some of the "characters" with whom she/we have been forced to put up. Here is Hulk and his comments about not gaining weight after marriage, Colon with his helicopters and dramatic exit, Dong and his lack of kissuition. We drain our first glass of wine and look bleakly out at the audience. Or we would, if "GuessWhatANewCarDealershipJustOpenedandYouMustComeHereRight
Now!!!" stationary spot lights were not blinding us from behind Chris Harrison. "Next year, they're going to have one of those blow up gumby things," mutters KMu. We secretly think that would be *awesome.*
Our mind wanders and we force it back for some "Unseen Moments" that we are supposed to cherish. Did you know, gentle readers, that Dolly Pemily dropped champagne on her If-I-was-a-princess-my-name-would-be-RosePetal-LadyFlower dress during her date with Joe VanDerBeek? No? We all breathe a sigh of relief when whe says that the stain dried and her relationship [with the dress] continued. But soon, we are drinking again because she is singing "Twinkle Twinkle" to Travis' egg, in an Unseen Moment of them putting the egg to bed. We are rapidly concluding that these are Unseen Moments Which Can Be Left Unseen, until we learn that Hot Wheels' teenage twin brothers spied on them kissing during DP's meet the family date. "She's a beauty," said one. Ahaaaa, we love Hot Wheels' brothers. And then this happens:
"I can do the running man," says DP.
STOP THE PRESSES. This viewer LOVES a Running Man. And in fact can make said Man run down the hallway, across the street, and all manner of Other Distances. It is our only useful skill. As Dolly Pemily promises to do the Running Man on After the Final Rose, we think things might be picking up.
And then: No, no they are not. For we must suffer through an extended Promotional for a show which we (All of Us) boycott: Bachelor Pad. And we do not care if this "fun filled, sexy" new season includes (a) Ed Swiderski, (b) Le Ca, (c) Ross from Friends, and (d) Hugh Hefner's girlfriends. In addition, and for good measure, we do not care that CorpChris is shown to be hooking up with not one, but THREE women in this particular promo, and comparing acquiring a new "girl" to "that new car smell." We at the BNU always knew you to be a scumbag, CorpChris.
Finally, we are meeting the Men Who Are About to Tell All: Some dude named Randy, Joe VanDerBeek, Charlie, Ducky, Latin, Travis without the Egg, Pretty Michael, Other Latin, some dude named Nate, Hulk, Data, Mr. Wood, Dong, Colon, CorpChris, Sean, and probably some others that we are seeing for the first time.
"This is the worst show ever," says ABe.
It really is. Because now we have to hear each of their experiences exiting the limo on the first night because "when there are 25 guys and one hot blonde, it's a recipe for" drama, jealousy, and crazy. That's right, babies; The "manclaws" come out. And now we see flashbacks of Dong being upset, and of Data concluding (about Colon): "I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you are a dude, you're an asshole." But CorpChris, from the peanut gallery, is now declaring that he "cared about that girl so much. I admit I was childish, but it's only because I wanted to take her home and show her my family, who I am." And what better way to show your total devastation at getting the axe, then taking three new cars for a test drive, so to speak.
Colon takes the "Hot Seat." During this interview, we learn that he had determined that he did not want to be a stepfather but came on the show/chose to stay anyway because he felt it would be less gentlemanly to drop out than to repeatedly insult DP on national television. Oh, and also, his comments about baggage and general asshatery were simply a reflection of his "humor" and the strains of the "environment." Because, "unlike other people in America," he "doesn't sugarcoat." He really is a vile, smallminded little coin purse of a man.
Next up: Hulk. Who is orange, babies, ORANGE. And here we are, flashing back to his relationship, and the International Male tank top, and the comments about wanting to be the next bachelor. As we watch DP cut him again, CorpChris heckles "see ya" from the stage. Really, CorpChris??? Hulk is now talking about his "many worldly gifts" and how he "found his journal the other day, and recalled how excited he was to meet Emily. But it never was about Emily for me. It was about finding my wife."
This viewer pretty much stopped listening after learning Hulk kept a journal. Oh, if pens could talk.
But suddenly, CorpChris is heckling again:
Hulk: I am looking. . .
CorpChris: I just want to say. . .
Hulk: What do you. .
CorpChris: I'm trying to
Hulk: What are you
CorpChris. . I'm trying to say
Hulk: Go ahead and talk then
CorpChris: I just want to say that BEYONCE HAD THE BEST MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL TIME, PEOPLE. ALL TIME.
Ok, that last part was KMu, but you get the picture.
But we are not done with CorpChris, because now HE takes the ridiculous "Hot Seat." We instantly drain glass No. 2. We are so sick of CorpChris right now and his bad attitude and rude departure that we actually appreciate The Harrison for asking: "So. . . do you anger easily?" Which, of course, he does not because, babies, he is really not an Angry Man, but a Misunderstood One. Everything he does, he does for a reason.
Finally, Sean is in the Hot Seat. We don't hear the first part of this interview as (a) ABe is excited to have finally identified the lone P.O.C. in the audience, and (b) closed captioning is saying "EZ. EZ. WOWEEZZ." Which we do not feel at all, because we are being forced to watch Sean & DP's special moments and to hear how much he learned from her and how he is "now open to finding love. Hopefully, it will come around sooner rather than later." Babies, he wants to be the next Bachelor and is campaigning hard. And if that happens, this viewer will stab her eyes out.
At last, Dolly Pemily takes the stage in a hot pink bandaid. If this viewer wore that dress, we would look like a poison berry. But DP can carry it off because she did not make the unwise choice to become a lawyer, and has therefore not turned into a Fat White Albino.
But you know, we really like DP anyway. She is admitting to doing the "ugly cry" when she saw the episode with Sean, and laughing about awkward moments on the show, and then fileting Colon. While this is All Manner of Awesome, we select only the following to report here:
DP, regarding the disclosure, by Dong, of the baggage comment: "I could be engaged to Colon right now, and thank God for Dong."
The Harrison: "Do you really think that would have happened?"
DP: "No."
For the Win.
Finally, and after our ears have almost bled dry, we are treated to some bloopers which include the disclosure that Dolly Pemily "likes guys who are tattoed, maybe a little homeless looking." So basically, DP is like this viewer in college, before we learned that Presence and Cleanliness are much better basic requirements.
Stay tuned for next week, when, in a special Sunday night finale, we must sit through three hours of tears and emotional drainage before learning whether Neil Lane will put a ring on it, once again.
-Til then, Babies.
KLo.
posted by KLo @ 3:29 AM
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