Pringles Part 3: Seven Minutes in Heaven

Babies, Pringles Part 3 starts on the bowflex, the treadmill, and same damn blue shorts that Pringles has apparently worn for nearly a month now.   We canNOT believe that this manchild goes to the gym without a shirt every day, or that it is really enjoyable to sit on a bowflex with ones sweaty sweaty back pressed up against the pleather seat.  We are simultaneously (a) curious to know if he's ever picked up ringworm, and (b) ashamed for not exercising ourself.  But Pringles doesn't care about our shame; he cares only that he is "really digging a lot of the girls."  Meh. 

So now we're in "the mansion," and Chris Harrison is explaining the rules of the week:   "There are 16 of you still here [wait, really??  OMG, this is never. going. to. end.].  This week there will be one group date and 2 dates that are 1:1.  Use your time wisely."  Aaaaaaaand, the first date card is for La Democrat:  "Let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real."  

Oh, wait. That was just The First Lady's dream date card.  We know you secretly whisper that to the president every time Congress is in session, but DAMN, girl.  The real date card says "How long will this love last?"  About 3 months sweetheart, if you make it to the end. 

So The Democrat puts herself into a doily and heads out the door.  Let's discuss this dress.  It is nude lace. Someone forgot to sew it closed in the back.  It has frontal stomach pleats.  And also, This Viewer can see The Democrat's snowballs dangling out from underneath the hem when she walks.   Great, the Democrat thinks she's the star of a Prince video circa 1985.  

"Nice handerkerchief," says ABe. 

Pringles is taking Dems her to The Second Worst Place to Go On a Date If it Is Abandoned [Second Only to a Carnival And/Or Back Alley]:  An abandoned Guinness Book of World Records Museum.  

"You know, your television set is in there," remarks KMu. 

And it's TRUE.  This viewer's 1982 Sony, having spontaneously combusted three weeks ago in a violent ball of clicking, flashing rage, appears to have gone to R.I.P. alongside a creepy waxwork of the smallest woman in the world.   But we are ripped away from the novelty of seeing our television on television by Pringles leading the Democrat into a dark dark corner of the building with some pictures on the wall and. .. . 

Pringles:  "My dad. . . likes to do things out of the norm. . .. And by that I mean. . ."

KMu:  "Your Mom."

Pringles: "[yes], and a few years ago, he set a Guinness world record by driving to all 48 contiguous states in 97 hours and 7 minutes." 

Le Democrat:  "Wow.  That is so. Awesome."  [really??? This Viewer is pretty sure Pringles' Dad peed in a pop bottle to make that record, and that is Not Okay].  

Pringles:  "So do you want to set our own Guinness World Record?"

Le Democrat, secret thoughts:  'Yay, now we get to do something REALLY fun." 

Except it's not, because they are going to try to beat the record for Longest On Screen Kiss (3 minutes 16 seconds) in front of a little crowd that has assembled outside the museum, which includes (a) a homeless man, (b) some wanna-be rapper jumping up and down and clapping, (c) a woman in ripped jean shorts, and (d) Chris Harrison in a vest.  Well Babies, we've left Prince circa 1985 and are now in Portland circa 1992. 

La Democrat is pumped, because she works in D.C. but this, gentle readers, THIS is the "coolest thing she's ever done."  Except we don't care because Stuart Clackston, British Person With a Trapper Keeper, is giving the rules.  And we KNOW it's legit now because the Brits are involved:  

"Your lips must, of course, touch through the entire attempt.  Any moment they are separated will invalidate the entire attempt." 

Oh, Mr. Clackston we love you because you accented at us (we love an accent) and also, you know as well as this Viewer that "attempt" is like the best euphemism ever.  

So, they Attempt for like 3 minutes and 17 or whatever seconds.  She is rubbing his hair.  He is pulling up her skirts.  We think back on a frantic email sent by ERo last week about needing eye bleach and vodka to get through this show.  Finally, finally, it ends and they go to an abandoned rooftop on which they can cozy into a couch designed by Georgia O'Keefe.  

"Tell me about growing up," he asks.  We secretly think she turned 10 and then came on this show on her way back from Disney World. 

But no, she also was "in clubs, was a nerd, studied a lot, but the best times were with" The Democrat's Family.  She wants that for herself again, Gentle Readers, but she is So Very Worried That She Will Not Find Her Soul Mate" . . . at 25.  Ok, if this Viewer had Frozen On The Clutch at age 25, we would now be anxiously married to an actor.  Grow a pair of ovaries and learn who you are first, Dems. 

But Pringles likes what she has to say. They Attempt some more, and she gets the rose. 

Meanwhile, Date Card #2 has come for Kacie, The First Lady, Desiree, Leslie the Poker Dealer (a/k/a Poker Face), Janice Dickinson, Groaning Selma, Hillshire, Amanda Knox, Taryn, Drunk Daniella, Jackie, Lindsay the Substitute/General's Daughter, and Tierra Firma.  "Who's going to win my heart?" it reads. Ooooo.  Let's find out. 

Off we go to the beach, where Pringles is wearing, once AGAIN, a dayglo tank top.  As the women stream out of their limos to say hello, we notice that they are all wearing standard issue athletic bikinis, one size too small.  Except Janice Dickinson, who has embellished hers with a bandana (ok, Brett Michaels), and Drunk Daniella, who is wearing a neon pink grapefruit bag overtop.  They are supposedly going to "hang out, play some football, etc."  except None Of Us Believe It.  

Sure enough, Chris Harrison pops up in suit pants and an untucked shirt, and announces that the ladies will be playing beach volleyball For Pringles' Heart.  That's right:  Winning team gets to continue on the date, but losing team has to go home. It's like choose your own adventure. 

Drunken Daniella is all, "This is my WORST NIGHTMARE." 

Taryn is all, "This is the most important game I will EVER PLAY." 

Red team loses, blue team wins, Janice Dickinson starts crying, the losing team is sent home in their sandy bikinis without any other clothes, and we're done. 

Hard edit to the winning team, which is now fully dressed, and by that we mean "marginally covering ladybits."  The General's Daughter is in the midst of 1:1 time, but we are not hearing a word she says because she has a wrestling belt around her neck.  "It's like a whole set of mini-gongs," marvels KMu.  

Oh wait, The General's Daughter wants to be able to look across the room and "give Pringles a look and just know that you know what I mean."   Oh Lindsay, within one year of married life, that "speaking" look will go from "my darling, my heart and soul, what a fabulous inside joke we are sharing in smug silence," to "my darling, my heart and soul, where the f*ck did you put the f*cking tuna." 

Soon she is done, and we are into a series of other 1:1 times.  Pringles is complimenting "Desiree, Who Should Be Black" (so sayeth ABe), on how she "looked good in her little bikini."  And Desiree WSBB is asserting that she is "very spiritual, very emotional, and thinks differently than other people."  She "enjoys the beauty of the day," and that, gentle readers, is why she is "loves life."   Our stock in Desiree WSBB just went down.  We despise a woman who intuits about her own intuitive gifts.   

A. Knox creeps us out a little (all of us) by coming back from her 1:1 time to say that with the events of today, she was "able to really show Pringles a side of her." Desiree WSBB notes, "well, you did kill it at volleyball today," to which A. Knox responds, with scary smile, "Oh, volleyball has nothing to do with it.  NOTHING."  eek.

But 1:1 with Kacie is the biggest train wreck of them all.  Gentle Readers, Kacie tells Pringles that SHE feels as though she has been punched in the face. Why?  Because there is a allegedly a fight brewing between two other women in the house (Desiree WSBB and A. Knox), neither of which is her. 

Pringles, finally putting points on the board for the first time all season, responds, "So why are YOU telling this to me?  Neither of them have complained to me.  What does it have to do with you?" 

And the Great Backpeddle begins: 

--"Well, I don't want to be telling you this either, but if I don't tell you about this fight between two people neither of which is me, it will Come Between You and Me."

-- "Well, I am only Desiree's friend and not A. Knox's friend so clearly I am stuck in the middle of this fight."

--"Well, I don't want to be the one to tell you about it either, but I am stuck in the middle so I have to tell you, you see."

He doesn't see.  He calls her a crazy person, we give a little cheer, and Kacie B flees the scene. 

At the end of the date, Pringles gives a speech about seeing things in people that he hadn't seen before, and gives the General's Daughter the rose.   Oooooo. 

And at last, at LAST, we are on to date #3 with PK.  Tierra reads the date card, making a bad joke that it was the dreaded 2:1 date for both PK and Groaning Selma and WHICH IT WAS NOT.  Squints is offended.  PK and Selma are traumatized.  And the date card reads, "Do you believe in magic??"

So we interrupt this date for a little drama, in which Tierra Firma falls on the stairs right before Pringles is going to pick up PK, and the paramedics are called.  At first, TF is legitimately not responsive and appears confused, but then rebounds and refuses to go with to the hospital. 

"You understand that by removing this collar, it may cause you further injury" helpfully offers a paramedic.
"Having had a few concussions myself, I suspect she has a concussion," comments Pringles. 

OMG, that explains so much. 

But no, Tierra wants to be left alone so that she can canoodle in a cabana with Pringles as he nurses her back to health on the day of his date with PK, while PK waits in the kitchen.  We are not impressed. 

Finally, we are on the last date, with PK.  We secretly think she is too old for Pringles because she is 32 (which is like 115 in Bachelor Dog Years), but we give her an A for effort.  Except, as she walks out of the car and towards An Abandoned Six Flags Great America, we realize that PK is trying up for her age by dressing too youthfully.  In a little girl's Easter dress.  

"Oh my god, she is wearing a giant titty flower," observes KMu.

Yes, babies.  Her dress is white.  It is net, sleeveless, cropped, and is adorned with what would be a charming pattern on the chest of a 4-year-old's pinafore.  But on PK, it is a Huge. Flower Shaped. Pasty.  We have no words.

Pringles announces that they will Not Be Alone on this date, but will instead be joined by two young girls with chronic illnesses who are best friends but have never met because they live in different states and communicate over the interwebs and by phone.  We are a little offended by ABC's continued advocacy of Pringles as the Pied-Piper for the sick, differently shapen, P.O.C.'s, and starving artists.  But, these two girls end up being the best part of this date, as They Are Awesome and make up for the fact that it is so so clear that PK and Pringles have no chemistry. 

A bunch of rides are riden, and stuffed animals won on this date.  We are very bored, only waking up slightly when the Eli Young Band plays, without any introduction from ABC.   ["Please don't let that be train," mutters KMu].  In the end, the girls go home, and PK is left with Pringles.  She tells the story of her adoption, which makes us all cry a little, and ends up getting the rose.   Sadly, we think it was a Respect Rose, and not a Romance Rose.  But she gets it all the same. 

And at last, it is the rose ceremony.  Hillshire, for like the 11th time in two episodes, proclaims that everything is "getting more serious." (everybody drink).  Kacie is wearing the arm of a wetsuit and horsey hair, with an electric lime green ponytail holder matching her electric lime green back zipper.    We HATE horsey hair (all of us).  We also think Kacie could go running in this dress at night and be seen from a distance. 

Pringles surprises Squints with her dog, since she didn't get to go out with him this week. Groaning Selma is wearing a floral tablecloth.  Desiree WSBB is wearing a horrible knee length white cut-out dress that is a weird cross between a wedding dress and a baby sundress, and Tierra Firma is wearing a one-armed black tube sock.   All manner of "women stealing Sean for 1:1 time from each other's 1:1 time" ensues. 

In the end, and to join the Democrat, the General's Daughter, and PK with roses, Pringles picks . . . 

 . . .. oh wait, he just showed Kacie the door. . . . .

1.  Tierra Firma

2.  Poker Face

3.  Hillshire

4.  Drunk Daniella

5.  The First Lady

6. Growling Selma

7.  Squints

8.  Jackie the makeup lady

9.  Amanda Knox, aaaaand.

10.  Desiree Who Should Be Black. 

Taryn and Janice Dickinson go home (plus Kacie, see supra). 

Stay tuned for next week, when the First Lady wants to know if Pringles "wants to taste some chocolate," and there is a ROLLER DERBY.  

Finally, Happy Birthday one day late to our sister, SHa.  This viewer loves you very much.  

- KLo